Break Up With Girlfriend - Feeling Annihilated

[Naviy]

Guys, I don't know what to say exactly. 2 years long distance relationship. I chose her to be my most trusted person, I consciously developed 100% openess with her. She was actually my first girlfriend. And it turned out she was cheating on me for more than 1 month and started another relationship without telling me (yesterday she told this herself). I've not slept for more than 24 hours, feeling devastated. This night was neverending hell. Not much emotions left. I thought I am so developed, mindful and conscious. But still suffering deeply because of break up. I also noticed that now I mostly try not to avoid suffering, as I would do several years ago, but to fully let myself feel it, be conscious of all the pain and let it be. 

This couple of days are probably worst in my life. Still, after more than 24 hours, the emotional pain is very sharp and strong. And because I cannot sleep or eat now, I also feel really bad physically. Can you suggest me anything in this situation?

[Nathalie]

@Naviy you practice meditation, right? So use your experience to go out of this hole: Don't let your mind tell you stories. 

The pain comes by thinking over and over again about what was, what could have been, what should have been etc. Stop this. Let it drop and flow away.

Eat something you like, take a bath, go out for a walk, drink a warm infusion very slowly, or what ever you like to do generally, and feel everything consciously, take deep breaths when a thought comes up, breath it out and come back to the now.

 I recommand you to watch a few videos from Eckhart Tolle, he use to be so quiet and profound, it may comforts you.. I hope..

Remember, every "bad" experience can make you grow a lot.. Maybe in a few days, you can look at it closely and find out how it can help you..

But for the moment take care of yourself..

Wish you the best

 

[Andrea Marchetti]

Reading your post makes me afraid, I have a girlfriend and I know I would be devastated like you if we would break up. Since I knew this I tried like one year ago to leave her, to go into a voluntary suffering. Because staying with her and knowing that I am kind of dependent on her was really scaring me... That night I felt like I could loose my mind so I came back to her, thinking I was not ready and probably that was not the right way out... But I know the fear that lies behind having a girlfriend and it scares me... So the other way out I am trying is to be independent whether I am with her or not. Trying to know myself, removing other deficiencies first so if it happens then I can be more stable.
What I can say you is to stay with suffering and accept it strong and sharp... I am com-passionating you. It's painful for me too... Wait for a week or two and if you'd like tell me how it's going on I would be interested... @Naviy
Stay strong, stay sensible.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Andrea Marchetti

[Christian]

Forget about it. If it happened, it should have and it is perfect as it is. I do not know what stage you are at on the journey. If you are a beginner - like me lol - do not listen to this because it probably won't work. Then, go through the experience of pain, sorrow whatever and play the victim if you have to . However, if you are conscious, you can take control and just let it go for the better. 

Try to realize that a relationship can never fulfill you in the first place. That is just a trick your mind plays to distract you from enlightenment which is the real fucking deal...

[Esoteric]

@Naviy I know that pain all too well, it gets better over time, friend.

Listen to some Rupert Spira, he has a very calming effect.

 

[kurt]

Shit happens. Shit doesn't happen. Shit happens again....life

[ajasatya]

instead of trying to run away from the pain, just accept it and feel it as much as you can. society has developed a sick tendency to run away from our feelings. if you learn how to get in touch  with your feelings you may find the profound beauty that can come out from sadness. then you may understand why this episode made you suffer, leading yourself to true wisdom.

people will talk about pride. don't listen to them. humility is the natural way. humility teaches you not to expect anything from anyone.

[kurt]

57 minutes ago, iago iriarte arhatha said:

instead of trying to run away from the pain, just accept it and feel it as much as you can. society has developed a sick tendency to run away from our feelings. if you learn how to get in touch  with your feelings you may find the profound beauty that can come out from sadness. then you may understand why this episode made you suffer, leading yourself to true wisdom.

people will talk about pride. don't listen to them. humility is the natural way. humility teaches you not to expect anything from anyone.

Thanks for this 

 

[30secs]

@Naviy one thing you should acknowledge that your System is not ready for this kind of situation. I mean heyy! wake up! you are not certainly trained years of meditation, positive psychology or whatever self development stuff, am I right? That's why you are depressed right now, see? I'm not giving you a nice and lovely advice here, I'm telling you to accept this challenge(all the pain you are right now) be a f**ng man! you gonna use all your knowledge and resources to defeat this goddamn illusion. Be courageous!

[alea]

It is normal to feel bad, you are not a machine or a robot. 

Before breaking up, men cannot see the problems of relation, maybe they feel some troubles, but they tend to think "it is okay". Generally, women can see and they  take action. And it is time to break up.. 

 

[Naviy]

Thank you, guys. Kind words and participation were a real help.

Here's a little report after a week of break up.

First 3-5 days were horrible. A lot of very sharp pain. But actually all this situation has led to some quite bold decisions, and now many things are positively changing in my life. 

- A couple of weeks ago I've met a girl online from Indonesia. She became my skype friend. Because of the break up, I was more ready to get out of my comfort zone and willing to change. So, next month I am going to Indonesia, and I will spend a week there with that new friend of mine. And even probably I'll try to find magic mushrooms on island Bali there. Anyway, I am sure, this trip is great importance for me, and it will be a serious step forward on my journey to authentic, free and healthy psychology. If not the break up, and if I would have been in a comfortable state, then I'd never make such a decision.

- I have called an old friend of mine from the university whom I know for almost 9 years. We had no contact for 2 years, which I regret a lot, because I have always liked her very much. And she is the most intelligent, developed and successful person I know in real life. When I called her, she was so friendly and so positive. Now we decided to start our friendship again, and she even invited me to her apartment. Now, after 2 years, I am much more developed and now I can be more authintic with her and express my feelings. I have so much expectations from this restarted relationship. But I'd never call her, if not the break up.

- I have decided to go to another city where my best friend lives (actually, she is like sister to me). I'll go there for a week on New Year, and we'll spend a lot of time together and have a lot of fun, like always.

- I've called another friend of mine whom I know for 15 years, and we had no contact for 6 years. I'll meet her, and it will be very interesting for me to see her again.

- Now I am more determined to follow things that I see important. In particular, despite my limiting beliefs, I've decided to start a realistic search on how to obtain the psychedelics I am interested in. I know, this is not an easy task, and it will take time, but from the concept of Mastery I know that this is normal. I even applied to Ayahuasca retreat to Peru, but they do not have tours for the nearest months yet.

- Leo's videos and kind words of people on the internet helped too.

And about that girl I broke up with. I knew that she wants to continue being friends. And I want it too. So I called her yesterday. We were nervious at first, but then I told her about all this stuff, and she felt a lot of relief and gratitude for my understanding, she said that she supports me 100% and that she loves me and that she is always happy to hear a call from me. Of course, we will never be able to communicate like before (and there is no need in it anymore), but I will accept this offer to be friends, because I believe, we can actually be great friends.

__________________________________________

And that pain I have suffered. I kind of even feel good of this pain. For me it is the agony of ego, wrong expectations and delusions. This is the part of my low consciousness and parts of my ego that are burning alive in agony, and I want them to burn to death. So still, I experience sharp pain from time to time, but to me it is good pain, because it means that ugly parts of me dying. Where I want to focus now - is the high consciousness. And high consciousness tells me to do everything I can to drive through this situation the best way possible, to gather all the lessons, to use this situation as a chance to see my old delusions, to use it as a motivation for bold positive changes in life. I see all this situation as a signal, as a lesson that almost forces me to change. Lessons and changes are painful and difficult. And I am proud of myself doing all this instead of feeding the lower part of myself, which wants to be miserable. Now I actually feel like a noble warrior. Like a hero on Hero's Journey. You need to do hard stuff in order to follow your path to the worthy goal. My worthy goal is authentic, free and healthy psychology, clarity, wisdom, nobility, the will to give and not to attach to lower self, but to follow higher self, which I see as universal wisdom. You will get hit a lot on this path, but as a warrior, you do not hide frome obstacles.   

I still feel pain, but now I am ever more determined to be a wise warrior and to follow the noble path to a worthy goal.

[Xpansion]

Hi Naviy,

I am currently going through a separation from my partner after 17 years. It was more his decision than mine. We are trying to do it as amicably as possible. We have a deep love and respect for each other and don't wish any harm or suffering. The relationship was unhealthy and neither of us were happy. I wanted so much for it to work, to keep trying, but now I'm beginning to realise that maybe it was just never going to. I became so dependant and kind of lost any sense of my own identity. I was never happy in the first place anyway and had no clue what I wanted or how to create the life I wanted so not sure how I thought I ever could be happy in a relationship. I guess I just "fell in love" and then muddled through hoping that everything would work out but it turned into a disfunctional mess.

There has been no deception though as in your case with your girlfriends thoughtless infidelity. We really wished nothing but the best for each other but couldn't seem to figure out how to be happy together. There was a lot of sadness and confusion.   I have days now when I feel very scared and lost. Sometimes I feel a really heavy futility and depression and I have to say suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind several times. Not actual methods but just more the thought of how much easier death would be to the struggle of life. It's kind of almost a nice thought like it would be a relief. But then I have days when I feel really excited and curious about what will unfold and how maybe now I will find my way and find what makes me feel happy and alive.  

I have meditated twice daily for an hour in the morning and again in the evening for almost 5 years. I have also attended some retreats and done a lot of reading about Buddhism and mindfulness. This is helping me through it.  I am slowly realising just how much the clinging creates so much suffering. Having to accept what is and let go has been the greatest challenge I have ever had to face.  Trying to be kind and love myself through the anguish and pain is also very challenging. 

There is nothing in this world that can ever bring any lasting satisfaction. Not a relationship, not all the riches you could dream of, nothing. When you can have a deeply profound understanding and acceptance of this, not just an intellectual understanding, then you will stop searching for happiness, for satisfaction where it does not exist.  Enjoy everything while it lasts then let it go. Its really that simple but so hard to actually live it. 

Naviy I wish you peace and happiness. I'm sorry your girlfriend was not wise enough to break up with you in a harmless way but instead caused unnecessary suffering. Breaking up is hard enough as it is without people being deceptive, selfish and mean.  I hope it helps for you to know that you do not suffer alone. We all suffer and we can all find a way to end suffering. 

Edited October 6, 2016 by Xpansion

[ajasatya]

@Xpansion @Naviy
beautiful words. deeply human and kingly sincere. i could feel the connection with those feelings just by reading your reports.

[Jared Gregory]

@Naviy  I put a post very similar to your situation a week ago. 

I was also in a relationship until recently when we broke up. It still feels painful for me as i can relate to how you must be feeling too. But my advice would be this surrender! what i mean is you can't change what's happened that's a fact, what you can do though  is allow to feel these emotions now in this moment. just as @alea said ' you are not a robot" so the way you feel is completely natural. 

I could not sleep well for a while neither, but through meditation and other positive things you do you will find inner peace. and remember that you are enough!