Mushroom Trip - Possible Energetic Damage

[actuallyenlightened]

First time posting - sorry for the long post but just wanted to share my trip and hopefully gain insight into what could have happened:

I took 6g of mushrooms (dried) 3 days ago. It's the third time I've taken such a high dose so expected a difficult trip but no damage: Here's what happened - 

For the first time, I experienced a God consciousness awakening. It felt as if God took off his mask and behind it was me. Not the ego me but the universe being one awareness. I started getting confused because it felt like no matter what I do, it didn't matter. All God is interested is in gaining new perspectives. Having a good life vs having a bad life is all equally valuable and it was starting to become difficult to convince myself that doing what it takes to live as an individual ego is 'truthful' living (of course I still come in from the assumption that I'm doing this to develop myself - I'm still 22 and should have a full life ahead of me). 

The scary part begins soon after the insight when I feel this 'damage' on the left side of my heart chakra. At first I thought I will be able to heal it but it got worse and worse and I got the sense that I is irreversible and that I was going to die. I got in the shower and saw my skin turn pale and started begging to live but I felt like I was lying to myself. Thoughts of my death rushed into my mind and I decided to accept my fate rather than resisting.  I texted goodbye to my parents and they called the police. While the police rushed me to the hospital, I felt power gradually leave my body - it was honestly a peaceful experience. While waiting in the hospital, I felt a glimmer of energy in my heart, something that I believe saved my life - I don't know why or how this even happened. 

After spending the past 3 days at the hospital (doctor found an enzyme from muscle breakdown - wasn't sure if this was due to an intense deadlift session 2 days before the trip, but no sign of any heart problems) I still feel uncomfortable in my heart and a certain volatility in my energy - It feels like my identity could be easily shaped within the next few days to weeks.

Here are a few theories on what happened:

1) I was just high 

2) My energy system wasn't ready for such insight considering how my lower/gross chakras are still fairly underdeveloped.

3) I simply brought up some deep blockage/trauma that was strong enough to make me feel like I would die.

4) It's dangerous to have such insight before discovering what love truly is. 

5) I had a soul walk-in - i.e. my soul was ready to leave my body and a more suitable one for this stage in my life set up shop.

I decided to rest for the next few days and shift my focus toward developing my life physically - ie relationships, university, motivation to get conventional 'good' results before continuing any further in this pursuit. No psychedelics in the near future

Also wanted to add that I took a tab of modafinil that same day - I have done this for every one of my 30+ trips in the past so assumed it shouldn't have been the cause.

I would be grateful if anyone could provide some insight into what could have happened or perhaps a similar experience (energetic damage from mushrooms or any other psychadelic)

[Member]

57 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

All God is interested is in gaining new perspectives. Having a good life vs having a bad life is all equally valuable and it was starting to become difficult to convince myself that doing what it takes to live as an individual ego is 'truthful' living

God is interested in keeping you alive and fine, so don't force yourself into anything that harm yourself. If it doesn't feel fine, then simply let it go. The ego does not equal to the human body and it's in your best interest to live a healthy life.

[rav]

Hi! Love you!

Some insights as short as possible:

1.) I took Modafinil for a while (about 1 year) and I decided to get off of it. Explanation: It's a chemical compound that interacts with other bio-chemical reactions in your (my, our) body. Not sure if it is advisable. It's man-made and have you ever seen anything man-made that is not full of shit?

From ego-perspective, it gave me depression, fatigue, anxiety and panic (after the positive effects wore off). Not sure whether that is due to elevated consciousness or just due to a bag full of shit.

2.) You say you felt like dying. And before you felt like God-Consciousness entering your state of mind.

Maybe you weren't dying. You just told yourself you were dying. Because before you were not really in God-Consciousness, but you were only telling yourself that you were.

See? A rat winning the rat-race is still a rat. A rat exiting the rat-matrix is still a rat exiting the rat-matrix.

3.) Do you really believe in an ancient chakra/energy system? Or is that maybe a construction of your mind that it really wants to believe in?

4.) I am not trying to put you down or anything. You're great!

But ask yourself: Do you think a mind that has developed itself over the course of 2 decades in order to survive in a dream world of applied language will just abandon everything without resistance?

It struggles. It doesn't want to cease. It throws everything it can at you when it notices that it is in danger due to elevated consciousness.

So in your case I would advise: Stop psychedelics for now. Stop Modafinil. Do sports and meditation and slowly grow yourself towards consciousness instead of forcing it too soon too much.

Much love!

[actuallyenlightened]

@Member Thanks for the kind words, I'll need to slow down and find a way to realize this

[actuallyenlightened]

Thanks @rav for the insights! Here's my experience with the above points:

1) I also used it for around a year - daily. It definitely made me more fatigued probably because it interfered with sleep and oftentimes felt down as you mentioned. But it allowed me to meditate through the negative emotions and I usually could find a memory associated with each one, allowing me to let it go using the Sedona Method. Still on the fence about using modafinil at this point...

2) Yeah that's definitely a possibility. There's really no way of knowing I suppose, unless I actually died. The God experience did feel very real but admittedly there's no way I could confirm nor deny it. But it barely felt like a win - just an unbeatable sense of nihilism setting in - but I'm just probably projecting my own problems onto God since I've been having trouble finding/integrating love.  

3) I definitely do. It was through mushrooms around 1 years ago that I was able to connect with my chakras. Ever since, when I meditate (my ability increases on mushrooms and modafinil), I can find blockages and their associated belief systems/traumas and remove them. It also becomes very evident when doing kriya yoga (haven't explored that much yet though). With my physiology now, my body literally hurts if I try to ignore a chakra imbalance.

4) It feels like recently my ego is starting to let go but not in the way I expected. I'm simply not as passionate about things and accept reality too easily I suppose. People say not to judge things but I stop judging things so much that life seems to lose direction. This is something that I'm definitely going to work on in the next while. And as you said no psychedelics and probably no modafinil 

Really appreciate your insight! 

[Leo Gura]

It's very simple. Your dose was way too high.

6g of mushrooms will fuck your mind up. Stick to 2g and contemplate.

And if you want to trip deep, you should upgrade from mushrooms to something like DMT or 5-MeO. Mushrooms are needlessly twisted and difficult.

[actuallyenlightened]

@Leo Gura You said that so many times.. I guess sometimes people just gotta play with fire and get burned before really learning their lesson 

After your 5-meo retreat for example or any difficult trip, was there anything specific you did afterward to recover and ground yourself?

[rav]

11 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

But it barely felt like a win - just an unbeatable sense of nihilism setting in

Would God "feel" like a win or nihilism? Or would it just be, free of human judgements like positive or negative?

Considering point 3: Alright. Continue believing and opening up your chakras. Push your energy up your spine and through the seventh chakra (crown, I believe?). You're doing great!

17 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

my ego is starting to let go but not in the way I expected

Ask yourself: Is "expecting" maybe a judgement?

13 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Mushrooms are needlessly twisted and difficult.

Needlessly? Maybe they exactly show you why you experience them as twisted.

[actuallyenlightened]

21 minutes ago, rav said:

Would God "feel" like a win or nihilism? Or would it just be, free of human judgements like positive or negative?

It was just so neutral, neither positive nor negative, that I felt like my life pointless - and that was ok at the peak of the trip but caused all these problems as my trip started fading away (around hour 4 or 5) and my ego started returning. 

21 minutes ago, rav said:

Ask yourself: Is "expecting" maybe a judgement?

I was expecting bliss and an ability to love life for what it is. Not a sense of indifference to everything lol. Perhaps this is just my ego speaking but my main goals are to achieve the former while having a deep understanding of the spiritual.

21 minutes ago, rav said:

Needlessly? Maybe they exactly show you why you experience them as twisted.

While I've only tried LSD, it is in general a lot more upbeat. I believe different psychadelics provide equivalent insights but with a different feeling attached to it so you could realize the twisted parts of yourself without falling into a twisted state yourself.. if you know what I mean

Edited September 22, 2020 by actuallyenlightened
typo

[Guest EmptyVase]

31 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Mushrooms are needlessly twisted and difficult.

Can you elaborate? Would you say other psychedelics are clearer, more transparent? Because my last deeper trip was a mixture of crystal clear Understanding and major mindfuckery.

But mindfuckery only came when I (more or less consciously) jumped between those two worlds and identified/didn't identify with ego.

But "only" from Egos POV it was a huge mindfuck.

From Awareness POV it was simply deep loving Understanding + Self-Recognization as Being to a certain degree.

Independent of any POV it is so incredibly beautiful. Pure, loving gazing at the beauty of reality. Recognizing its beauty.

[rav]

3 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

It was just so neutral, neither positive nor negative, that I felt like my life pointless

You're talking about "neutral".

Which of these statements is neutral?

1.) The crow says to the owl: "My life seems to be pointless."

2.) The crow says to the owl: "My life is just what it is."

7 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

I was expecting bliss and an ability to love life for what it is.

Define for yourself: What is the ability to love life for what it is?

Do you have to be judging in order to love life for what it is?

Do you have to be indifferent in order to love life for what it is?

Do you have to just love life for what it is?

Do you have to just live?

Do you "have to" do/feel anything at all?

Do you just live?

Is there any indifference in just living?

15 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

my main goals are to achieve

Could achievement be a judgement?

16 minutes ago, actuallyenlightened said:

I believe different psychadelics provide equivalent insights but with a different feeling attached to it

If elevated consciousness is supposed to just show you reality, then why would there be any "feelings" be attached to it?

If insights are supposed to show you the nature of the human condition, would they be drenched in fragments of the human condition?

You say "you believe ... this or that".

How do you know?

[electroBeam]

This is just my 2cents. Don't take it too seriously if it doesn't help you.

I'll just be blunt because can't figure out a way to say it softly. 

chakras don't absolutely exist.

enzymes don't absolutely exist.

your skin turning pale doesn't absolutely exist.

 

2 hours ago, actuallyenlightened said:

The scary part begins soon after the insight when I feel this 'damage' on the left side of my heart chakra.

What's going on here, maybe, is the ego is about to die and you're about to wake up, and your ego is grasping at the straws to try and keep the illusory 3D matrix going. Its using all sorts of stories about you getting damaged and the likes, just to hold on.

And you're falling for them, in a huge way. And THATS the problem. Not the damage, but you believing your ego about the stories of damage.

2 hours ago, actuallyenlightened said:

After spending the past 3 days at the hospital (doctor found an enzyme from muscle breakdown - wasn't sure if this was due to an intense deadlift session 2 days before the trip, but no sign of any heart problems) I still feel uncomfortable in my heart and a certain volatility in my energy - It feels like my identity could be easily shaped within the next few days to weeks.

Did you actually go to the hospital? Or are you writing that here for dramatic effect?

2 hours ago, actuallyenlightened said:

I would be grateful if anyone could provide some insight into what could have happened or perhaps a similar experience (energetic damage from mushrooms or any other psychadelic)

Yep. You need to stop putting thought over feeling. You need to feel deep into your body, drop EVERY single thought that arises, including ones like "did I just serotonin overdose and die" "did this psychedelic just damage my chakras" "did I just destroy my brain by taking mushrooms" "omg taking these mushrooms were a mistake" "what are my family gonna think of me" "how am I gonna hide what I do" "how will i survive in life if I'm damaged".

You must not listen to other people. You cannot listen to doctors, therapists, and even people on here. The only ones you can listen to, are the ones supporting you to put feeling over thought. Especially in the vulnerable state you're in now. 

Read Nahm's reply here. Because I think its very relevant to you. 

 

I get that this is radical. It feels super radical to literally stop listening to every thought from the 3D matrix. You have to let go of deeply held beliefs like getting cancer, dementia, going insane. You need to let them go as if they don't exist. It feels super insane and radical, but you can do it. Just let go and dissolve into it. 

Edited September 22, 2020 by electroBeam

[Danioover9000]

Take a break, and lower the dosages down. Next time, trip safer, and progress in your journey at a comfortable pace.

 

[herghly]

@Leo Gura I'd disagree. We are all different. I've had mushrooms 6-10 grams and they have been heaven. You need to test for yourself.

[Leo Gura]

11 hours ago, EmptyVase said:

Can you elaborate? Would you say other psychedelics are clearer, more transparent? Because my last deeper trip was a mixture of crystal clear Understanding and major mindfuckery.

But mindfuckery only came when I (more or less consciously) jumped between those two worlds and identified/didn't identify with ego.

But "only" from Egos POV it was a huge mindfuck.

From Awareness POV it was simply deep loving Understanding + Self-Recognization as Being to a certain degree.

Independent of any POV it is so incredibly beautiful. Pure, loving gazing at the beauty of reality. Recognizing its beauty.

Any psychedelic can mindfuck you. But mushrooms are especially twisted. At high doses of mushrooms you will hallucinate like a motherfucker and get lost down infinite rabbit holes of your mind. A descent into madness. This is not necessarily a good thing for our work. Our work seeks clarity, not insane rabbit holes. An insane rabbit hole can still come with lots of valid insight, but its so chaotic and twisted that you're not going to be able to make much use of it, and it will traumatize you in the process.

What we seek are higher states of clarity, not descents into madness.

[herghly]

@Leo Gura I've found LSD better for contemplation. What do you think of people who use LSD and Mushrooms at super high doses. 

LSD and the mind of the universe is a great book about someone using mega high doses of LSD for spiritual growth.

[Leo Gura]

4 minutes ago, herghly said:

What do you think of people who use LSD and Mushrooms at super high doses.

If you can handle it, then by all means.

But I bet you can't handle it.

It is like you're asking to ride the meanest, wildest bull in the stockyard who has already gored a hundred others before you came along.

Be careful what you ask for, buckaroo.

[herghly]

 

Just now, Leo Gura said:

 

But I bet you can't handle it.

[electroBeam]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

If you can handle it, then by all means.

But I bet you can't handle it.

you can't, but can You

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

It is like you're asking to ride the meanest, wildest bull in the stockyard. Be careful what you ask for, buckaroo.

oh you're asking for trouble, buddy. 

[Natasha]

I had my first shroom trip on 2.5 grams a couple weeks ago. Beautiful experience, awesome senses enhancement (visual, hearing, touch, smell, rhythm), no side-affects afterwards, completely effortless and engaging. Did it with a trusted guidance and without a set intention, just to try out psychedelics for the first time