Married but need more experience with girls

[Learningeveryday]

This situation might sound pretty weird and even wrong , but I am really starting to get bothered by it, so much that seems hard to move forward in life, Can't focus on career unless i get it fixed.

My story should be pretty common, Immigrated to west ,but born and raised with Indian culture (which is dysfunctional culture if u have to live in west for your grown up life). Parents pressures and expectations lead me into married life (at 25) and also have a 2 year old now. 

Everything's great within the relationship and I don't have any issues staying the rest of my life with this person. BUT lack of experience with girls and almost virgin life before arranged marriage has really screwed up my thought processess. I know how i can fix it, by practicing pickup (just for personal development reasons) for a short time. 

But being Married isn't helping at all. Getting a 6 month break would help me fix myself, but I'm sure things won't be ever same then, what do I do? Any ideas?

[Roy]

Practicing "pick-up" and trying to get with other women when you're married is cheating. So unless you want to divorce and strand your child you can't do this.

Do you just want to get better at TALKING to other women? What's your goal exactly?

[Learningeveryday]

Thanks for your reply Roy,

My goal is just to eliminate neediness from my psyche and I am sure it'll make me better in taking my relationship deeper and make me confident in bussiness/other things in life. So that I could focus more on work and not always be thinking of other girls.

[Roy]

Have you sat with that neediness feeling before and really looked at it?

Do you know what it is, where it came from, and where it started?

[Forestluv]

56 minutes ago, Learningeveryday said:

Everything's great within the relationship and I don't have any issues staying the rest of my life with this person. BUT lack of experience with girls and almost virgin life before arranged marriage has really screwed up my thought processess. I know how i can fix it, by practicing pickup (just for personal development reasons) for a short time. 

But being Married isn't helping at all. Getting a 6 month break would help me fix myself, but I'm sure things won't be ever same then.

Very creative rationalizing!! 

[Learningeveryday]

This neediness has been always there since childhood but I couldn't really fix it because I was just given a wife, instead of having to work for it.

[Roy]

Well alternatively you could try doing a form of "pick-up" for making platonic male and female friends to fill that void in you.

Instead of the relationships which typically are "given" to you or just happen because of family or co-workers being in your life. Go out of your way to create new relationships in your life.

It's this kind of effort that will help remedy what you're feeling.

[Learningeveryday]

9 minutes ago, Forestluv said:

Very creative rationalizing!! 

Thats what our minds does, In a way our Minds are creating the whole reality from nothing and it does look real.

Similarly this issue feels so real to me, infact it might not be. But the big question is how to fix it

[Learningeveryday]

5 minutes ago, Roy said:

Go out of your way to create new relationships in your life.

It's this kind of effort that will help remedy what you're feeling.

Thanks for Your advice Roy. I do try to do that. guess i'll continue the work.

[Arcangelo]

Enjoy paying that child support

[wwhy]

11 hours ago, Learningeveryday said:

This neediness has been always there since childhood but I couldn't really fix it because I was just given a wife, instead of having to work for it.

Neediness does not get fixed by seeking validation from others.

Not everyone who is married is confident or even worked for it. Needy people will find their matching needy partners to settle down with, just like confident people will match with those on their level.

[Preety_India]

 

 

Maybe that's why Indian girls don't want to marry anymore. 

 

 

 

[Kross]

Ask your wife for advice. Discuss this problem with her, not with netizens. Otherwise you'll end up doing shady stuff behind her.

 

Edited August 7, 2020 by Kross

[Moon]

20 hours ago, Learningeveryday said:

This neediness has been always there since childhood but I couldn't really fix it because I was just given a wife, instead of having to work for it.

Neediness for what...Sex? A relationship? Friendships? 

 

 

 

[Roy]

13 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe that's why Indian girls don't want to marry anymore. 

I wouldn't want to if I was forced either. I imagine arranged marriages sours the taste for the institution in the eyes of most women (and men as well).

It's really amazing when you think about the fact India has ended up with the highest population in the world despite the fact most of the parents didn't really want to be together in the first place.

My knowledge of this culture is pretty narrow though. What is your take as someone from there @Preety_India?

Edited August 7, 2020 by Roy

[Preety_India]

 

14 minutes ago, Roy said:

I wouldn't want to if I was forced either. I imagine arranged marriages sours the taste for the institution in the eyes of most women (and men as well).

It's really amazing when you think about the fact India has ended up with the highest population in the world despite the fact most of the parents didn't really want to be together in the first place.

My knowledge of this culture is pretty narrow though. What is your take as someone from there @Preety_India?

Yea it's a huge problem. The women used to be forced to marry only for survival. Or as a holy grail. Men mostly had a choice in the women they wanted to marry but women generally didn't have a choice in deciding the groom. They had to marry the man who picked them. Most families would tell the girl that it's in her best interests to marry the man who has approached or be single for the rest of her life. Girls were usually coaxed and 

India has a strong history of evil against women. Too many social evils committed against women. But the generational curse is breaking. Women are moving towards empowerment which is real feminism. They don't want to be stuck in abusive marriages. They are making their own money and living their own life. 

This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to be a mother in my life and why I promised myself that I will never marry into an Indian family. Because then the cycle continues. I wanted to break that cycle. 

My dad was kinda ugly, he was a good guy but he didn't look attractive, he was attracted to my mom and she was very beautiful in her younger years and my dad approached her family for marriage and she wasn't willing to marry him. Yet her family forced her and gave her the option to either marry my dad or be single or suicide. My mother tried to attempt suicide and she was saved. But she wasn't given an option to get a job because nobody would help her get an education or any other assistance. She wanted to go to college and complete her education but her family didn't allow her and she reluctantly agreed to marry my dad. 

Also my mom was attracted to another man who was quite handsome and charming. But her family never allowed that guy to make any approaches. Her brother's wives were jealous that she would get a good groom so they hastily arranged her marriage to my father.. 

In India a girl child is considered a burden in the family.. The boy child is considered a prince or treasure. So if a boy is born, the whole family rejoices and if a girl is born, some fathers will mourn the birth of a daughter. 

So the solution to this problem in their minds was  to marry the daughter to some man and get rid of this burden. She would be mistreated by the husband and the husband's family and this was her life, living like a burden on society. There was an inherent misogyny in Indian society, an inherent hate towards women. Even the Hindu scriptures demonized women and looked at women as the source of all evil. Probably that's where the misogyny comes from. 

The situation was so bad that my mom used to tell me that in an average Indian family, the boy would be fed milk but not the girl, she would be fed very little and the entire focus of the family would be on the son and not the daughter. The son would get all the love and attention from parents. 

The situation was so severe for so many decades that there was female infanticide, basically killing the girl child when she was born or aborting a female foetus once the gender of the foetus was detected as female. 

It was so bad that the Indian government had to step in and stop the gender identification of foetuses.

This is where the generational trauma for women comes from. 

Then there was a problem of dowry. If a woman wanted to get married to feel less of a burden on her family, her family had to pay dowry to the husband in the marriage, before the wedding is fixed. Or sometimes after. The dowry was an insane amount of money the family had to pay. Sometimes the groom would demand a house or a car or very huge amount of cash as a dowry gift. Or else he would threaten to divorce their daughter. And a divorced woman would be considered like a curse or a taboo in our society, like she would need to hide herself and live in misery and anonymously. Then the husband would harass his wife and tell her to ask for more dowry from her parents. Girls were poorly educated and there was no concept as "women working" back in the 80s. So her only survival was her husband. She also had to live with the husband's family even if she didn't wish to live with them, and she was supposed to serve the husband, and his family and she was considered a good wife if she was a perfect slave to everyone. 

So you will see in old Indian movies, the woman is shown as touching the husband's feet and calling him a God and massaging the feet of her father in law and serving everyone and eating last. Her life was all about serving everyone's needs in the husband's family but her own. There was nothing like her dreams, her career, her life, she was just a possession of the husband. 

The dowry system was so bad that many women in the 70s, 80s and the 90s were literally set ablaze and burned alive by the families of the groom. This was done In order to let the guy remarry the woman of his choice in an effort to collect more dowry. 

My mom kept the old newspapers safe from the 90s decade and I used to read when I grew up and they will filled with news stories of horrible atrocities against wives /daughter in laws in the name of dowry. 

There was an ancient practice in India called Satee. Which meant that if a woman lost her husband to death, then during the funeral she had to jump into the funeral pyre of her husband and get herself killed as a sacrifice or tribute to her husband. She was then considered a good wife. This evil practice was then eradicated by the British. 

Indian men had the general belief that a woman should be a virgin or he will refuse to marry her or have a relationship with her. It was considered that a woman who was not a virgin was not pure and that she should be rejected. Even this day a lot of Indian men will directly ask the girl "are you a virgin?", but it doesn't matter if the guy is a virgin or not.

If a woman became a widow in our culture, then she was never allowed to remarry. These days they do, but it's rare. Back in those days, like 60 years ago,  if a woman was a widow, then she was forced to shave her head and wear white clothes so that she wouldn't attract any man 

My mom lost her husband(my dad) when  I was very young and she never remarried. If she ever wore makeup, people used to snare at her. She wouldn't get invited to parties. 

So you can see how Indian women suffered generational trauma under an evil patriarchal system where marriage was her saving grace from death or suicide but marriage was also her misery pit. 

Today, the situation is kinda better, not that much because we haven't completely yanked the patriarchy out. 

The government made laws against dowry and female infanticide and all other evil practices against women. But this does not mean that they don't happen. In some places they still do, and dowry still gets exchanged undercover. 

Indian women are deeply ingrained by their parents and general Indian culture that their survival is impossible without a man or husband. They are not taught freedom. They are taught their destiny is in the hands of a man. 

Compared to women, men have it much better here, they are given a lot of freedom and privilege. They are treated like kings in the family as well as society. 

But today the women in my country want to change this mentality. I don't want to marry an Indian man for survival. I am educated and I can survive on my own. 

So the women are fighting hard against patriarchal beliefs and rules and traditions. We are getting there, not just yet. 

Hinduism as a religion has all the good principles but the "treatment of women" part of Hinduism is deeply marinated in misogyny. All the female goddess stuff is bullshit. The goddesses only exist in the temple, in reality no woman is treated like a goddess. 

And don't let an indian man fool you by making you believe that Indian women have it good if a woman became a prime minister in the country in the old decades. First of all, the only woman who became a prime minister and on top of that, she was assassinated. It's like saying racism stopped in America because Obama became president. Such things are a ploy to distract from real evil. 

All in all, women in my country had to suffer a lot of evil and I feel bad for the women before me, especially my mom because she had to live her whole life with a man she didn't love, with a man she didn't wish to marry, he was a good husband, but she didn't want him, so it was a source of tremendous frustration for her and she never wanted the same fate for me so she raised me to choose the man I want to, she never forced me to marry or be with someone that I didn't want to be with. 

It's sad that women had to suffer so much in my country and yet get so much hate. India definitely has the blood of many innocent women on its hands. 

If you really want to witness what misogyny looks like in a real form, come to India.. 

[Roy]

That sounds incredibly frustrating and emotionally difficult. Sorry if you suffered through any form of that at all.

Puts things in perspective for sure.

I'm a white male in a first world country, born into a lower-middle class family. I've literally never had to deal with any discrimination or significant issues in my life, I thought about this a while ago after I went to a BLM rally at a park in my city.

I reflected for a few days after that. I actually can't think of a time I have ever had to deal with remarks or attitudes based upon my attributes.

It's all pure luck.

Edited August 8, 2020 by Roy

[Preety_India]

@Roy  I never suffered much because I never married and I never plan to.. 

I'm with a white man and so I'm safe. 

 

[Learningeveryday]

So the issue was kinda resolved by me getting into sales. Its still the art of persuasion and very similar satisfaction once the sale is made.

[Ar_Senses]

@Preety_India

Wow, sister, I’m terribly sorry for all woman in India.

Thank you for sharing that with us. You are such an inspiring human being! Keep it up! ❤️