Life Transformation Documentation/Journal

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Documentation of transforming my career to be about My life purpose. 

Current life purpose as of now:

LP Statement: Design and share methods, systems and techniques for accessing and embodying bliss, love and insight/wisdom/intelligence.

Domain of Mastery: Meditation, Contemplation, other spiritual methods for accessing bliss, love and wisdom.

Medium: to be determined. 



1. Maintain a consistent habit of at least 2 hours of high quality meditation.

2. Eat at most 3 meals a day. All meals fall under 50 carbs a day. 

3. Read 30 minutes a day on shamanic or magick techniques. Apply shamanic or magick techniques for at least 30 minutes a day. Explore whether these methods contribute to your LP. 

4. Replace procrastination with mindfulness meditation or strict contemplation.

5. Go to the gym at least 6x a week. 


Interesting thoughts today:

1. problem solving these days are just a more concrete, but more indirect way of accessing divine bliss, love and wisdom. For example software engineering is an inefficient, indirect but more concrete way of accessing bliss (as it solves a problem for a person, just in a small way). 

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Really became aware today of the relationship between the devil and god.

The devil and god are are both capable of being highly complex or simple. The more complex the devil is, the less complex (less aware/lower consciousness) god is. The more complex/aware god is, the less complex the devil is. To become more aware means to necessarily simplify and reduce the complexity of the matrix. Its a zero sum game. The more room god takes, the less room the devil can take. And vice versa. 

The more complicated western science and engineering becomes, the lower consciousness scientists and engineers are. To be lost in thought means to advance and complicate the devil, and to simplify God. To increase consciousness, and to create a western science and engineering that is more true and aligned with God, also necessarily means reducing the complexity and simplifying thought. Which means simplifying scientific theorems, concepts about how engineering parts work, etc. By simplifying theorems, you give more room for consciousness to flourish.

So your life purpose necessarily means a transition from high level of theorising and thinking (as a scientist/engineer) to reducing it, and to increase experience or knowing or higher consciousness activities. You cannot develop sophisticated, highly technical and advanced theorems and concepts AND high consciousness at the same time... thats the key insight. To develop more effective methods to be loving, blissful and insightful you will need to abandon complex theorems and concepts. So that should be your direction moving forward. 

So as a scientist, to transform your LP in the right direction, your focus for the next weeks should be to reduce the complexity of your hypotheses about why things are happening (hypotheses about software bugs, behaviour of AI algorithms, your solutions) and increase your empirical tests, your feel for the situation, your observations, contemplation (without thought or answers, just the process of contemplation itself), etc. 

Edited by electroBeam

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36 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

You cannot develop sophisticated, highly technical and advanced theorems and concepts AND high consciousness at the same time... thats the key insight. To develop more effective methods to be loving, blissful and insightful you will need to abandon complex theorems and concepts. So that should be your direction moving forward. 

This is a very interesting observation. Nice post @electroBeam


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Do you work full time in addition to pursuing this life purpose? 

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On 16/07/2020 at 5:02 AM, Consilience said:

Do you work full time in addition to pursuing this life purpose? 

sure do.

I saw you've got diabetes in your other thread, good on ya for meditating with such a disease, a disease which significantly hampers meditation abilities. Love it!

On 17/07/2020 at 10:08 PM, Himanshu said:

This is great. May you be a superconductor of infinite intelligence!

an INTP/J's dream ;)



Have I been meditating 3 hours a day? No about 1 hour. I see the importance of meditation, but whats occured to me is the greater importance of being conscious ALL the time, not just for 3 hours a day. 


My experience in the past week (I'm a bit of an insensitive and profane guy. I'm not scared of a bit of negative emotions. So reading the below you gotta just take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy it, dont take it too seriously ).

About a week ago I developed an extreme anger and rage. I had just become conscious of how self deceptive, malicious, evil and cunning the ego was. The level of self deception was insane. I had taken spiritual teachings seriously for years now, thinking I was being wise and noble in my pursuits. Yet it had just occurred to me that all of this seeking, and practice was perpetuating the lie of the matrix. I had developed an identity around being 'the seeker', and used the teachings, practices and worldviews developed around spirituality as a way to keep myself maintaining my sense of self. This was extremely infuriating, because I really thought I had made progress, having gone through 50+ awakenings and over 100+ mystical experiences, lots that were radical. To find out that I was using those mystical experiences, and awakenings to perpetuate the false worldview of 'the spiritual guy' who was on this imaginary journey, becoming more enlightened, as a means to perpetuate the matrix was a real blow to my spiritual 'self esteem' and perceptions about spirituality. 

Not only that, but I saw how my hatred towards myself was a survival mechanism. I saw how free will didn't exist, and what I did (what my body did) was not up to my false sense of self. YET! The false sense of self did not want to admit that. So when I sat down and meditated, I thought I(the false sense of self) was doing it. BUT IT WASNT! It was God. And see, the way the false sense of self hid the fact that it was God, was by coming up with elaborate stories for why things turn out the way they do. When God wanted me to meditate for an hour, but my ego wanted me to meditate for 3, and I end up just meditating for 1, instead of admitting that I(false sense of self) wasn't in control, I covered up the truth by saying that 'I'm lazy' or 'I'm procrastinating' or 'im tired'. NO IM NOT! IM NOT IN CONTROL! THE LITTLE SELF IS NOT IN CONTROL! And when God does want me to meditate for 3 hours, instead of admitting my false sense of self wasn't in control, I fricken had the arrogance to take credit for it!

I saw how this whole "absolute vs relative" is bullshit. Oh what a perfect way to keep God hidden! Come up with some bs like absolute vs relative domain. That way if you see the truth, you've got an amazing story to still make the matrix believable and trick yourself to fall back into it by saying that there's such a thing as absolute vs relative, and we can palm that mystical experience off to this land of 'absolute', but now I'm in the relative domain so oh well  ?‍♂️. 

And I saw how the ego's entire purpose in life was to make the matrix more believable! That's it! Doesn't matter if I suffer, hurt others, be unethical, everything at the cost of making the map higher resolution! 

See the lies are highly consistent and 'normal'. See if the world was random, if aliens flew in and out and the trees jumped up and down, etc. Then the matrix would be highly unbelievable because its so sporadic and random. Its like drawing scribbles on the map, who would confuse a map for the territory when it has scribbles? How do you confuse the map for the territory? By making the map highly photorealistic!

If you want to make a highly immersive video game, you wouldn't get trees and make them jump up and down, you would make everything highly consistent, and make what you expect appear to happen. Don't make highly unexpected things happen too much, because that would ruin the immersion! If you're going to do that, at least come up with the lie that you took psychedelics ;) And if that doesn't work, make up the lie that you have schizophrenia ;) The ego has fucken lies for every single form possible that god could possibly be! The bastard!

Why am I into making a strong life purpose and making money? No not because I'm trying to make a better life and im responsible and deserve a pat on the back! But because I'm trying to trick myself into believing I'm a human. What do humans want? Money and a strong life purpose. So if I want to trick myself into thinking I'm a human? Pursue a fucken life purpose! And try and get lots of money! I'm just into money because it makes the 'map' or video game more realistic, not because I actually am a good boy who cares about having a better life!

And I saw how my entire life was this. It was the ego making up lies and tricking myself into believing things to cover up the truth. 

And this just pissed me off like you wouldn't believe, because all this time I thought I was the bloody indigo child who was so fucken amazing and hard working and awesome and good. Who had an amazing life purpose as was doing great in the world... and in the end all of that was going towards the very f**n thing I thought I was against, which was unraveling the ego!

And I just blew it: fuck this shit mate! Fuck this crap. I yelled: "I'm gonna completely and utterly disengage with all semantic meaning". Yelled it so all the demons/projections could hear it. I'm gonna shut off from all spiritual teachers,  and every conversation I have with anyone, my immediate questions will be "how is this conversation helping me keep in the matrix?" "how is it tricking me" and I'm gonna chuck my life purpose away, just screw everything! F** this devil! He's going down!


So for a couple of days I was acting like this. But then I had a dream, of a fucken spiritual teacher. "get away from me you matrix perpetuating demon!" I yelled to him. "get away, I'm retracting from all semantic meaning, only experience and truth allowed, everything else can f off!"

But that bloody guru in my dream kept persisting. And I just got angrier, to the point where I was gonna wake myself up and 'kill him'. hehehehehehhe! For revenge I'll wake up and effectively kill you! Woahhahahaha.

Then the guru said something "what's your problem with the devil friend"?

I looked at him and said "you're the devil! Projection of my mind! Everything but God is the devil! Don't even try to fool me! I know what you're up to! You're trying every sneaky F**n trick to keep me in this bloody matrix hell hole!"

He looked at me with a slightly chuckling face. Then said "if I (the devil) have the only intention to keep you in this hell hole, then why do I(the devil) help you realise how self deceptive you are?"

I thought to myself, how is this devil trying to trick me? What is this b** up to? 

But after a while, it intrigued me.

And I didn't really know, so I asked him why?. Then he fricken disappeared! Just left me hanging!

So I woke up in the morning, and the entire morning I was just thinking about that question "is this another trick by the devil to keep me trapped?" "or is there something to it?"

I walked over to my shiny looking computer table to start work, sat down while looking at myself in the reflection of the table's surface. And just stared at my face while pondering that question by the dream guru.

"actually that's really interesting, why does the devil deliberately undermine himself? He puts in so much effort to deceive  me, like unimaginable amounts, then he goes and deliberately undermines all of his brilliant work?"

Then the devil appeared right in front of me! Just standing tall and strong on my computer desk like he owned the house! And immediately, before blinking I said "F** you dude! I'm onto you! I've seen all of your dirty sneaky tricks! I'm not falling for any of it! Not the spiritual concepts, not politics, not the actualized forum, all of it!"

And that evil devil, he then said, "ok, well I guess I better bring all my friends along too!" 

So out appeared out of no where, my projections of spirituality, politics, everything. My projections of my opinions of the bullies I hated in school, my projections of trump, my projections of my parents and how they mistreated me.

I said "nope, all 'others' are imaginary, my parents are imaginary, trump is imaginary, leo and matt khan and anna brown and elon musk, and einstein are all imaginary! I'm the only one here, dont even try devil. You fucken bitch! Don't even try to convince me they are real"

And the devil said "well I'm gonna stand here all day and torment you!"

And I said "nope, time is imaginary, there's no time, you can't do that because its false! You're lying like what you always do! F off!"

Then the devil said with a mischievous face "I've got some important news, I kidnapped God and held him hostage!"

With a shocked face I exclaimed "waa.. ? What?"

Then he said it again with a more mischievous, and fierce face "I've kidnapped God! And he's asking you to save him"!

And I said "nope, I'm God, you're a lie, you're the devil, you don't exist. Only I exist! You're trying to keep me in the matrix bitch!"

And then the devil said in a snobby expression "oh well then who are you talking to?"

And I said "I'm talking to myself"

The devil said "exactly"

I said "what?"

The devil said "what if you're the devil and I'm God?"

I said "f off, you liar!"

he said "really?"

I said "yep"

He said "Well watch this"

Then the devil, in a horrible sight, took off all his clothes so he was naked. There was a zipper on his skin, from the top of his scalp, to the bottom of his toes. As he unzipped his skin, underneath the skin was Jesus/God.

All the projections 

The devil and all the projections said "Suprise!" Blew their party horns and then a massive wave of love swept over. It was the most beautiful experience ever. Amazing, like a cosmic organsm. And I don't know how, but the devilry is what caused it. Its like when you fool someone and then you reveal the trick and you feel great after realising it was just a prank. 

 "I was you all along! And all those projections were you too!"

My eyes went wide open, and I shouted "Nooooooooo! Fuck noooooo! Nooooooooo!"

"And yes, I created all that self deception, lies, devilry, Trump, wars, etc. Just so when you finally realise oneness, the realization would be the most impactful, most loving, most shocking, most beautiful thing you could ever experience".

"So... Trump is going through hell, Hitler went through hell, all animals are going through hell, wars, pain, suffering, they are all doing that, just so I can have the most beautiful awakening possible?"

"Yep! Ta-da!"

"ohhhh nooooo, and in return, I rejected you, hated you, hated trump, rejected trump, hated the kids in high school, my parents, and in the end they were all you just trying to give me an extremely amazing awakening? And that's how I repay you for creating this? By hating and rejecting you?"


Then I felt extremely, ridiculously, astoundingly sad. The saddest I've ever experienced. And also a massive idiot. And very stupid, and arrogant and ignorant. And ungrateful.

Then I cried and said "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise".

And to make matters worse, the devil/God/Jesus replied "Don't worry, I forgive all those millions of times you rejected me and hated me"

I said "No! No! No! You're not gonna forgive give me the most epic awakening AND forgive me for being a bastard! That's too much"

"No I must! You're the most precious thing to me! I must do it"

I didn't let him

"How can I repay you! I must repay you for what you've done! And make up for all the bad things I've done" 

"No don't repay me, just enjoy this gift"

It was sort of like your mum said she wasn't going to give you much (50 bucks only) on your 21st birthday because she's poor, then you attack her for it, chastise her for it, call her a horrible mum, then on your birthday you realise she actually gave you a million dollars and just tricked you to suprise you purely to make you happier, and you end up finding out that she worked 90 hours a week to give you that gift... oh and got hit by a bus and died on the same day as your birthday so you don't have the opportunity to thank her or make it up to her.

Then I just bursted out crying and said sorry a million times. Ended up getting a medical certificate for work for depression, took the day off, and cried the entire day and said sorry. Because there was no way to repay god. No gift that would make her happier than she was, because its fucken god. So all I had to do was cry and say sorry.


I'm still not totally over it, but now I find it really hard to hate and judge, because I see how all this violence and evilness and self deception is designed to give you an epic awakening experience. And its all Love. Literally everything is Love, so how can you hate any of it?

And my new spiritual technique, is still meditation for 30 minutes or so, but its to see the love in everything. Because ultimately that's what this world is about. And to just love the present moment to bits. I don't know I find the present moment kind of cute... like a really adorable girlfriend. She's extremely psycho, willing to make a world war 2 just to make a massively beautiful awakening, but she's the most loving thing ever. 

I don't know what to do with my life purpose anymore, or spirituality... As I see where it all ends up. So have to start from scratch again for the 1000th time on those things. So there goes this journal's direction. 








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16 hours ago, electroBeam said:

sure do.

I saw you've got diabetes in your other thread, good on ya for meditating with such a disease, a disease which significantly hampers meditation abilities. Love it!


Thank you man.

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So everything is love. What's next?

What I've noticed is my approach to spirituality has been highly jnana(intellectual) and all mystical insights have come from the angle of understanding, knowing, 'figuring stuff out' etc(ForestLuv's journal is a clear example of such an angle, and he explains in one of his posts very well what it feels like to be a jnana oriented spiritual seeker), which is great for having mystical experiences, but what's left out from this approach is extreme embodiment. Embodiment is not a jnana thing, its a heart thing. It comes from the heart rather than the mind. 

Now I 'know' everything is love, but now its time to feel it and experience it all the time, and to live life, make career, relationship, family decisions based off that feeling and experience.

Completely eliminating all judgments and hatred will be my goal for the coming months. This does not mean I will not get angry or fierce sometimes, but rather I'll accept and fall in love with the anger, rather than judge it. Its about having a massively high level, big picture understanding of reality, and see the value, importance, necessity, 'why its here' of everything, anger, hatred, judgment, jealousy, happiness, etc.

My goal will also be to recognise and become more aware of how disagreements and differences of opinion with others is actually a "survival mechanism" or how God separates itself into 2 instead of 1. Judging others' opinions is a way to basically say "I'm this opinion, and that opinion im judging is that opinion, and there is a difference between me and that". To be one with the world necessarily means to not judge or even disagree with others' opinions. Rather its to see the opinions as Love. No matter what the opinion is, if you see it as love, you'll remind yourself of your oneness. 

MY other goal will be to reduce preference for 1 thing over another. Because again this is just a way of God separating him/herself into 2. By choosing to love one particular career, woman, car, house, etc over another, you're effectively saying "this car is me, but that car is not me. This house is me, but that house is not me. This career is me, but that career is not me". While in the relative world, your body and mind will act in accord to preferences, on a universal mind level, its important to remember how these preferences are facilitating division, and how really, all of the options you dislike are just Love. 

And then of course my last goal will be to continue to dis-identify with thoughts, with 1 hour of meditation. But 1 hour of meditation wont do it, I need to live 24/7 with this new loving perspective for it to be fully embodied, hence the other goals. 

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So I'm starting to develop sleeping problems from this trip report. I don't know why, but I'm worried that when I sleep, I'll accidentally merge with infinite love and wipe out the entire universe. 

My perspective changes so much on a daily basis, that setting goals is just impossible for me to maintain, because the premises which the goals sit on get unravelled. So I just gotta travel through this journey. 

I'm gonna brew ayahuasca myself and the plan is to take ayahuasca once a week. Surely that'll expel all devilry within me. Its also clear to me that to go further in the work, I need to take psychedelics. I'm the sort of body mind that needs psychedelics to move forward. 

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Entered another chapter of my life. 

I'm just so empty now. Its an attitude, a level of emptiness so empty that if you go meta on the emptiness, you end up with everything.

So empty that, if you see the buddha on the road, you neither desire to kill or not kill him. If a 2nd buddha appears, and tells you to kill the 1st buddha, you kill the 2nd buddha. If a 3rd buddha appears, and tells you to kill the 2nd, then you kill the 3rd. If an infinite number of buddhas appear, the last buddha to tell you to kill the 2nd last buddha, ends up being the 1st buddha. And so you kill the last buddha, and in the end, you therefore end up killing the 1st buddha all along.

Right where you started, but took you infinite meta steps to get there. 


Life's a movie, a play for me now. A deep self-centredness. A see a world where the entire movie, including the main character, is all set up for an epic play. Laws of physics, laws of economics, social behaviour, 3d world, etc. Doesn't dictate how reality works, but rather the storyline does. The great dance. My character's journey, experiences, desires, passions, fears, truths, falsehoods, all make up how this reality works. The president in the US, the poverty in Africa, the wars of the past, and prosperity of the future, is being caused by how my journey unfolds. Because it doesn't exist outside of me, but is created in the moment. 

And the suffering, the 'figuring it out', the exploration and discovery, death and birth, the insights, obstacles, wins and losses, highs and lows, the spiritual ego, the normal ego, the destruction of ego, is all part of this epic journey to explore, dance, play, discovery, perform. 

The nature of this reality is very different to materialism. And its very different to the views of other people. Those other people are in a journey, but unconscious of it. 


The book 'Crazy Wisdom' by Chögyam Trungpa, came into my grasp at exactly the right time. Time had dissolved, the world felt magical and imaginary, The 3D materialistic world was dissolving, I felt eternity, the impermanence of my existence, life and death, the dissolving of my spiritual views, perspectives and beliefs, the fact that life was a dance without an end. And lastly I felt hopeless, completely hopeless, because I had no experienced this thing called 'enlightenment'. Been trying so much, millions of techniques, teachings, sex, love, money, fame, yoga, caring for the family, hippyism, yet to no avail. That book had a passage, specifically on hope. About how enlightenment transcends hope. Because hope is an egoic attitude. And once you transcend hope... that's it. Once you no longer care about hoping or desiring enlightenment. And you just accept the play that's going on now, that is the goal. That is the leap. To no longer desiring or seeking or trying to attain something. But just to accept the dance the way it is... that was your goal all along. Life happens, it evolves, you achieve things, you evolve. But every single moment is the goal. Not the what your evolution will turn into, but what it already is. And appreciating and loving the changingness of it. You were shooting for the stars, but the stars weren't up in the sky, they were all in your eyes. 

The truth is so simple, so obvious, so big, so hard to see, so good, that it takes you lifetimes and lifetimes to fully see it. Its the exact opposite of what you think it is. 

I know the truth because, I truly know absolutely nothing. 

I'm free because, I have completely let go of control.

I'm richer because, I have nothing.

I'm immortal because, I have died.

I'm the wisest, because I'm always a student.

I'm the most passionate, because I have let go of all passion.

I'm the happiest because, I fully embrace sadness and tragedy. 


I'm where I began, because of the journey. I had the journey, because of where I began.


The buddha said, the root of all suffering is desire. And he's right, and wrong. Desiring is what makes us believe that the goal is in the future, its a state, something you can obtain, when its none of those things, but rather the opposite. So he was right. But he was wrong because, to not desire, and to accept the world the way it is, also means to accept and include desire. To not accept the existence of desire is to not accept the world. So to end suffering, also means to desire. 

Becoming enlightened, means to start all over again. 



Edited by electroBeam

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2nd time posting in this journal within an hour. But its really just hit me what's going on here. 

Life goes on, houses, cars, work, employment, relationships, etc. But at the exact same time, none of that is actually happening. And we are all using houses, jobs, cars, employment, relationships to obtain what cannot be obtained... and that's ending the game. We are all trying to end the game through employment, love, relationships, etc. But to end the game means to go in the exact opposite direction of all those things and focus inward. We are like runners who confused the starting line for the finishing line. And we are running the wrong way. 

And the answer to all of our problems, the goal, the key to happiness, the way of getting everything we want, etc. Is to just simply end the game. We're like a dog chasing its tail, where the dualistic world is the dog, and WE, or I AM, or the remains of dropping everything, is the tail. Duality and non duality go in circles forever, and it does this at the exact same time, at every moment. It doesn't go through periodic cycles, it goes through no time, instantaneous cycles. The solution is NOW. Not after 100000s of hours of meditation, but NOW. The solution wasn't made by 100000s of hours of meditation, it was made simply by NOW. 

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2 personal insights today:

1) Always value the Truth/nonduality/God consciousness over materialism/3D matrix/ego consciousness. Do everything for God, not for the ego.

2) All of the wisdom, insight, love, honesty is in the present moment all the time. You don't need to chase it or go after it. Every atom in the universe has infinite love, wisdom and bliss. And all of your chasing is coming from wanting what's in that atom. You already have what you seek. All the time. 

3) Be ruthless with thoughts. Don't give them any space to be believable. 


For example: bad pickup session generates negative thoughts about appearance, women's motives, fears about lack of income (inferiority complex), etc. For 1) you aren't picking up girls for pussy. You're doing it to get in touch with non duality and God consciousness more. Every rejection, embarresment, attack, bad perception that others have of you is an opportunity to drop thoughts, shed ego, and get closer to source. For 2) you already have everything that girl can give you every single second. For 3) The battle here is not believing thoughts. 



Further insights from 11/08/2020:

1) basically everything that causes suffering doesn't exist. It only seems to exist. Embarrassment, disappointment, annoyance, irritation, hatred, judgement, hopelessness, depression, are all surfaces. But they are not substance. You confuse those surfaces for substance, and that's the generation of suffering. Remember that the game has already been won. You've already completed the boss battle. You just haven't realised it till you penetrate the surface and enter the substance. You've already got everything that you ever wanted. Its the substance. 

2) Your fear from doing great work (career) and picking up the hottest women (sexuality) comes from your fear of not being able to accept Truth. What if the truth is you're a shit guy? And that hurts your ego? What if pickup reinforces that? What if that hurts the ego? What if you can't accept that? The trick is, you can accept that, but you've been tricked into thinking you can't. THAT is where the suffering is coming from, from the fear that you can't accept the thing that causes the fear. 

Know that, you are capable of accepting everything. Regardless of what your thoughts or reality tries to tell you. Its in your nature, your blood, your DNA, to be capable of accepting every possible thing there is to accept. 

When going through fear in pickup or career about being rejected romantically or because of the work you do, know that if you penetrate through the thoughts, you CAN and WILL accept the way reality is by your nature. You don't need to fear about not being capable of accepting reality the way it is, because you CAN and WILL do that by default. 

Corollary to 2)

if fear was real, you wouldn't be able to accept it. But you can accept it, precisely because its not real. 

You can accept the possibility of being raped, murdered, blown up by ISIS, going to jail, etc. Because the fear of those things are not real. You only think the fear is legitimate because you think its real. Literally the answer to being fearless is simply the realization that what the fear points to isn't real. Can't get any more direct than that. 

Its all about revealing the trick, opening the curtains on fear. Seeing what fear actually is, rather than what it seems/tells you it is. It is the ultimate trick of the entire universe. The heart/core of the devil. 

You were born to accept Truth. Its in your DNA to accept truth. Its not in your DNA to accept fear (or what the fear points to as a real thing). But that's the whole trick. Fear isn't real(or what fear points to isn't real), and the reason why you can accept everything, isn't because you are capable of accepting what the fear points to (you/God is not capable of accepting that) but you ARE capable of accepting the thing that is revealed once the fear has been seen as illusion. And that thing that reveals itself once fear is seen as an illusion, ALWAYS ultimately is revealed because its permanent and true. Fear is impermanent and so its temporary. Truth is eternal. Fear is limited while Truth (opposite to fear) is unlimited. 

For example, you fear being rejected when handing in your resume to an employee. Because you fear him revealing you as an imposter, bad worker, surfacing old traumas. The trick is, those things the fear points to, imposter, bad worker, surfacing of old traumas, aren't real. And what's real is the creator. So when you hand your resume to your employee, you're worried about all of those things becoming true (imposter, etc). But in reality, all that will come true is God. And to be fearless, is to realise that the things your fear points to are not real, and what's real is God. So when you hand in that resume, what will be revealed in actuality is God. But its so God damn hard to accept this. You're so scared of the alternative, that its hard to realise this. But that's the core of the devil. If you unlock this, you get everything you want. 

You're right in that you cannot accept being an imposter, bad worker, etc. You/God is incapable of accepting that. Its too bad to be true. So you're right to fear those things. But where you're wrong is those things aren't real, and the only thing that has to be accepted in this universe, is something you can accept as your birth right: which is Truth. The creator, the one that is revealed when you penetrate through the millions of layers of thoughts. 


Holy shit, all negative emotions stem from confusing truth for something that isn't true ??????

Holy shit my life was a lie. Again.

How many times am I gonna realise my entire life was a lie, before I finally accept its a lie?


Alright next goals: Go through the most challenging, difficult, hardest, things in life (and most rewarding) and fucken do it blissfully, fearlessly and lovingly. Put this insight to the maximus test. Bash ALL the fear out of you. 0 fear is the goal. 


Edited by electroBeam
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Entered a new chapter today.

Became aware of the neutrality of spiritual materialism vs transcendence of spiritual materialism.

For the past several years, I've leaned too far towards the transcendence of spiritual materialism: deconstruction, 'not playing the game', rejecting materialism, etc. Due to following the buddhist way of precluding material accumulation. But it has now occurred to me how that way of life can actually bite you in the ass and allow the ego to one up you. 

By being a hard liner on rejecting materialism (spiritual, physical, etc) you can actually develop a spiritual ego built on being the guy who rejects materialism. And that's what I've been, the actor pretending to be the anti materialist monk. So again, the ego one upped me. 

And then the ego uses that in a multitude of ways to keep you stuck in the matrix. For example, by making you believe that the world is ultimately pessimistic, dark, gloomy, etc.

Here are some ways the ego exploited the rejection of spiritual materialism to keep the matrix going:

1) Why do you feel a need to have sex? Because your ego wants you to, and that's bad. (sexual repression) -> in reality sex is God. And having sex is just accepting God the way he is.

2) Why is the law of attraction bullshit and not true? Because its what the ego wants, its getting materialistic things, and getting materialistic things is bad -> when in reality, getting materialistic things isn't bad, and the law of attraction isn't always about getting what your ego wants, its sometimes about getting things You want. Getting more in touch with love. If you use LoA to attract the perfect woman in your life, maybe that's not materialistic but a way of opening up infinite love within yourself (like how the tantra yogis did it).

3) I don't get the job I want and that's ok, because getting the job I want is materialistic. -> in reality, if you want a particular job over another, it could mean that you feel more infinite love for one job over the other, and its actually an anti materialistic thing.


I'm now going to balance and be more neutral about spiritual materialism. To overcome these ego exploitation. The tantra path does a great job of combining the 2. May need to immerse myself in it.

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Have been working with @Nahms invention of the dream board. And been doing it differently over the past few weeks. 

I've gotten a lot of value out of contemplating why the stuff on my dreamboard is there. When you draw stuff on your dreamboard, it feels good, but the stuff you draw is very concrete stuff. Like objects and places and roles you're playing. 

The issue I had was, my dreamboard would change almost daily. I felt like I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted. And so I got more abstract and deep about it to try and maintain some consistency in what I wanted to manifest. 

Here are a few pictures that makes me buzz:


They're all so different, a fighter pilot, dmt visions, video games and temples. 

Yet when you inquire closer as to why they generate good feelings, you get insights that are consistent between them.

Why do I like legend of zelda? Because its beautiful and magical and mysterious. I don't have any knowledge of the objects and beings in that story, so I'm super curious. It also clears my mind of thought because I'm too hypnotised in curiosity. They are also aesthetically beautiful, which brings out the love. Not when playing the game, but when watching the gameplay, there's no fear. Its just pure fascination and awe and curiosity and mystery. 

The temple is the same. There's no fear because its a temple. The patterns are beautiful, which brings out the love. The patterns are mysterious and I'm curious about them. Which makes my mind no mind

Same goes for the dmt experience. 

And the figher pilot is pointing to the fact that I want to feel good in my body. I need more mind body awareness. Its showing me I want to feel more, feel flying, expand what I feel in my body. 


So my dreamboard is pointing to me wanting a state of being where I'm a mindless, curious child who is deeply hypnotised by the beauty and love of the world. And a world where I feel my entire body. 

And the curiosity portrays my love of wisdom and understanding. Not understanding through the mind, but through direct experience. Feeling the understandings. 

Edited by electroBeam

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26 minutes ago, Nahm said:


Got me right in the feels. Nice work Zel. 

That's right where you wanna be, awesome!

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10 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@electroBeam A thousand yeps. :) 

What a coincidence, I accidentally wrote some software code today which printed "yep" a thousand times to the screen.


Last insight/goal to write down before the meditation session ends:

Every atom in the universe has what you seek. No matter the 'appearance' focus on channelling the atomic substance. 

Doesn't matter whether you're cleaning, driving, doing spreadsheets, programming, speaking to employees, etc. Every single aspect of reality contains the love and wisdom that you're seeking, the thing which you're making your business for in the first place. Access it all the time. You don't need to be talking to employees to access and learn wisdom. You can learn wisdom cleaning the toilet. It just takes channeling that which is under the appearance. 

Edited by electroBeam

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