wordsforliving

Life Advice? "Letting Go" vs. Revenge

10 posts in this topic

I recently came out of an extraordinarily abusive relationship. Now, I am in the process of tearing down all my old beliefs and faulty foundation and starting to rebuild from scratch. 

So as I sort through things, my former partner was a very wealthy man who scammed the NYC Medicaid system. Meaning, he got benefits when he did not actually qualify.  

This man used me to move to a new location and start a new life and then threw me straight into the trash as soon as he got his new home and new business going (he thinks it will make him more wealthy). The man (63 yrs old) is a narcissist and alcoholic and stays in a state of exceptionally low consciousness, always wanting to fight. I was his verbal and emotional punching bag, but would always say -- well I didn't "hit" you (shoving didn't count in his mind). 

After this man nearly destroyed my life and I ended up in recovery from PTSD due to his severe abuse, I am thinking he at least should not just get away with defrauding the NYC Medicaid system and I am tempted to turn him in so he can bleed out lot of money that he worships into legal fees to defend himself. 

Most people give me the advice to just "Let it go". But I am uncertain because 1) I want him to pay for what he has done to me (just being honest); and 2) this type of fraud keeps benefits out of the hands of poor people who actually need it

I asked him to give me a dresser from the house we were living in, as I do not have money of my own right now, but he did not want me to have it. This is a man who has at least 1.6 million in his accounts, with another 2+ million coming in 3 years from the sale of his upper Manhattan apartment. This is a man who only wanted to scream and fight and gaslight the woman in his life.  Yet all the while getting benefits from the New York City Medicaid system, PLUS free attorneys from the state due to his "qualifications" for medicaid defending his DWI case. It does not set right. Not sure if I am wrangling with a question of morality or what.  

Ultimately I do have to let all the harm he did go, I do realize this, but not sure what to do as far as the things he gets away with. 

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Posted (edited)

Pause for a moment. Fuck him, he is a fucking piece of shit, we can agree on that. 

Revenge is great, do that, but the best way to do it is not because of him, to show him something, but thanks to him.

Get yourself in better shape, get tons of money, get great success, so the next time he will hear about you, he will know, what he lost and how stupid he was. That will be the greatest revenge, don't you think? Movie style xD

I am in a similar situation as you are. First, you need to understand, that this man in is great fucking pain, to do things like that, seriously. When you will understand him, you will understand yourself better, by forgiving him you will forgive yourself. It sounds woo-woo and really abstract, but trust me on that - I was dating a girl that turned out to be a whore. Great fucking experience finding that out. Nevertheless - try out hoponopono meditation, relaxation techniques, yoga, hot baths, whatever works for you. Find peace with yourself and work on yourself.

After that, you can decide, if your sense of justice is really that strong and is it a real thing for you, are you really a "savior of the world" type of person or is it just out of grudge.

 

Edited by 28 cm unbuffed

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@28 cm unbuffed I did do the Ho'oponopono meditation practice for a while, then got to the point that I wanted to do something ceremonial or meaningful to close that chapter and not think about it anymore. Realizing this is a temporary phase of this particular journey, I think I just want to learn from it and be done with it. 

I'll keep working on myself and just like you said, thanks to him I will be in a much better place. 

Sounds like you've been through the grind too.  

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Forgiveness would be my preference.

When you can forgive completely you also get back your power completely.

I would not feel bad about myself for reporting his fraud to the authorities.

But try to see how you wouldve done the same as he did, if you were born as him.

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I don't think forgiving means that you cannot take legal action. In fact it is often better to try to forgive first so you can pursue that route with a clear head.


namaste

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Posted (edited)

This is really interesting.

 

On one hand, for your own mental, emotional well being letting go is the best solution. Nothing will equal its efficacy.

 

Where is your moral position though? Can you take action without using it as a spiteful endeavor to ''get back at him''? Can you turn him in from a place of compassion and concern for those people who he is exploiting? The benefits he is accruing for himself?

 

Can you act from love instead of hate? You can do the right thing without activating your pain body.

Edited by Ya know

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I am sorry for what you have gone through. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now and I hope your situation will get better soon.

As for my advice: forgiveness, understanding and letting go are states of minds and ways of relating to yourself and others. They are not specific sets of action. I say we toss out our ideas of what they look like in action. You can 'let it go' by moving on and not getting over it for decades. You can get back at him by becoming a happy, healthy, self-sufficient and loving person. 

I'm trying to receive the advice I want to give to you. I guess it is that the action you choose does not imply a single one motivation by which to get there. So investigate your assumptions.

To make this advice a little more concrete: if you choose from a place of forgiveness and understanding you are free to look at this situation from a higher wisdom and free to act by however it dictates. You likely won't want to intentionally hurt him, but you also will not undermine your own need for closure.

Revenge is such a bizarre concept to me. I hope you will choose with love and find healing. 

PS: I hesitate in making this statement because I really don't know enough about your situation and feel my above advice can be much more helpful, but personally, I think I'd turn him in. -_-

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Posted (edited)

    How much of it is morality and how much is a desire for revenge? Common knowledge, movies and the truism tells us "oh don't go revenge letting go is the best path yada yada" I say do some research and validate that knowledge yourself

    Have you ever had revenge on someone? How did it make you feel? Did you regret it afterwards? Who knows maybe this is an opportunity to test if revenge is as sweet as it seems to be (especially since this guy seems to be an asshole so you have an excuse).

   However,  like someone said before me this guy is a direct result of his environment, genetics, etc. So you might want to allow him some mercy.  Also revenge may lead to lingering feelings and staying in this chapter of your life longer

    But then again, I think seeing living your best life as some sort of revenge in the way that he would see it and suffer from it, may be a pipe dream. Who knows if he will even know how your living your best life. It may be more of a sort of personal revenge thing where you are living your best life in spite of him, in triumph over him.

Edited by AlphaAbundance

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