Jai

Spiritual Review and Progress

486 posts in this topic

Mar 1

Glad it's March, summer is getting closer. Days are becoming longer which is nice. I notice it when I'm studying in the morning. Good day today overall. Only negative issue is frustration and resentment at work over a project. It's the one negative spot. It's not horrible but it's been problematic for awhile. Definitely something I need to work on. Big thing is to not be invested in outcomes and just focus on service. When I started that was the pledge I made, just to be helfpul. So I want to keep this perspective. Lately this has bothered me more and I need to pray on this and turn to God. Other big thing is just keeping good habits and avoiding distractions. I had great effort today. Focused and worked hard, made nice progress. I don't want to become unplugged by bad habits and distractions. Online dating can be a huge distraction, so can porn. Want to stay away from porn and not get distracted by online dating. Probably shouldn't worry too much about that and just keep focusing on building my future.

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Set aside time for two nice sessions. Can't compromise on God. As long as I put time in to this and keep this the priority my life will go well. I'm almost a full year in to a consistent spiritual practice without taking days off. That's the attitude i need to keep. This is something i don't compromise on. I'm going to succeed or fail with God. Not putting work or anything ahead of God.

+ Attitude of service: All pretty good except for the resentment I have. Generally looking to help and good outward energy. Not overly stuck in self.

+ Mental and emotional states: Big improvement from last week. Getting out of a recent funk. Higher energy and vitality, better optimism. Feeling more motivated. So want to keep this up. Big part of this is just feeding the good habits and building momentum.

+ Life habits: All pretty good today.

Overall: Moved forward today.

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Mar 2

Much better day today. Really felt complete. Good effort on my part and really good connection. So want to keep this up. Finally felt like I got some momentum back and had a top notch day. I faced adversity well. At work there was a potentially stressful situation and I handled it well. So that felt good. I made good progress on getting over my resentment. I really felt the presence of God on a nice walk. Set aside 60 total minutes for spiritual practice, 30 in the morning, 30 after work. Got some extra studying done also. So a really solid day. Probably even make it to bed a little early.

+ Spiritual practice: Solid here. Put aside a lot of time and had a meaningful practice.

+ Attitude of service: Got over my resentment and looked to serve. That was good. Had really good outward energy and felt like I was working on God's team.

+ mental and emotional states: Back to how I started 2021. I was in like a 2 week back and forth struggle. All because I compromised and watched some porn. It does throw off my sense of presence, confidence, focus, etc. Just a distraction that pulls me into mediocrity. So I want to avoid that obviously. Want to have another solid day tomorrow.

+ Life habits: Pretty good all day also. Even improved on being distracted by my phone. That is the one I need to work on. Really easy to always be checking my phone. That's definitely not what I want.

Overall: Moved forward today.

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Mar 3

Solid day overall. Just a little dip toward the end of the day. Felt a bit lonely. But ended up studying for an extra half hour. Probably get to bed 10 minutes early here. A girl I used to date sent me a sexy pic so that made me feel a bit lonely. Miss having sex with her. So I thought about watching porn, checked some photos on my phone, but ultimately I didn't which is good. Got to keep my focus going forward. Most of the day a really strong day except for that. Had really good habits and energy all day. Looking to repeat tomorrow. Also feeling more motivated by my goal. In about a year things will be shaping up nicely. It's just up to me to put in maximum effort. Doing what I'm doing now by fitting in extra study sessions is great.

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice 30 min morning session.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy, still frustrated by a project at work.

/ Mental and emotional states: Really strong except for the last couple of hours, dipped a little in the evening. But I think I can still have a strong day tomorrow. Today was overall actually really good.

/ Life habits: Generally really good except for wanting to watch porn. Dumb to check a couple photos on my phone.

Overall: Moved forward today.

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Mar 4

Good day overall. Not feeling as energized. But solid study session. I also had a good day at work and contributed. Feeling a little lonely again. But still pretty excited about life overall. Things are going pretty good. Glad tomorrow is Friday and I'm going skiing on Saturday. Will be good to get out one more time and have some fun. I'm more excited about summer overall.

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Good effort. Normal session which is pretty good overall.

+ Attitude of service: pretty good at work, just got to watch a resentment.

/ Mental and emotional states: A little dull. Not as vibrant as I'd like.

/ Life habits: Good but also hit snooze and ate a few cookies so compromised there.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 7

Missed a couple days here which never happens. I think I've basically done a review every day for 11 months except when I went camping. Anyway. Went skiing yesterday and had a bit of an off night Friday. Watched some porn Friday which makes me feel a bit empty. It's the one bad habit I've been periodically going back to. Frustrating because I know what it's like to be away from it. It's gonna take a bit of effort to really put that habit behind me again. I think I just need to step away from online dating also. It ends up feeling frustrating and it makes me distracted. It feels like it can be a net negative to my life. I may just have to trust God, do my thing and if a girl shows up great. My focus would definitely be better placed on building my future and putting maximum effort there. Today had a solid day. Got a bunch of studying in and had pretty good habits overall as well. It's warm out and went on a really long bike ride which I like. I really miss my bike rides so can't wait for the warm weather and long days to come again. It's a nice hobby and it is great stress relief. Saw a part of town I hadn't been to before. Also stopped by an old cemetery which was interesting. Interesting to see old graves and wonder how people lived and what were there dreams, loves, worries, regrets, etc. Really puts things in to perspective for me. I really want to keep putting the God stuff first.

+ Spiritual practice: Good session today. Happy with my chanting, japa, meditation, prayer. Maintained good connection during the day.

+ Attitude of service: good outward energy, not stuck in self too much. Made some calls to check in on friends.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good here. Overall pretty positive. Big thing I want to do is focus on giving 100%. Day in and day out give 100%, really put my mental and emotional focus on improving my life and working toward my goal. So definitely want to give up porn for that reason. I can't have that distraction and net negative in my life.

+ Life habits: Good today. Took a nice cold and hot shower, lived pretty clean overall for habits.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 8

Had such a strong God presence today on my walk on lunch. Really felt connected and in the presence of God. It brought me to tears some. I really felt a good sense of peace and serenity and purpose. Even though I sometimes have doubts and struggle a little I've been really consistent with my spiritual practice and I'm definitely on the right path. I have really clear moments where I connect like this, it's all possible because i'm consistent and working toward this goal. I'm almost to a year of a consistent spiritual practice and time for me to keep my foot on the gas. I can never give this up. There is so much benefit to giving God time everyday through meditation, prayer, review and service. I have doubts about the future and if I'm on the right path and how things will work out - that's normal. All I have to do is keep investing in God and good things will happen to me. Also just need to get rid of distractions.

+ Spiritual practice: Good session this morning. Didn't do chanting because I went for an extra long walk, that's okay really stayed in God's presence.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work. Really tried to contribute and stay on top of things.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good here. Felt really positive and motivated. Want to keep this up. Also wasn't distracted too much on my phone. Phone distraction can really unplug me also.

+ Life habits: Living nice and clean. Cold shower, sleep on the floor, no processed food, just making progress by cutting out things that will drag me down.

Hope I can keep up the high standard for this week.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 9

Had another really strong day. Good all around. Got up early, exercised, cold shower and studied before work. Making progress with studying and staying motivated. Contributed at work and settling in. I've been there 10 months and things are starting to feel more predictable and less overwhelming. This is good because I can put a lot of my emotional effort in to studying and just stay consistent at work. Really happy with the progress I'm making overall. It's gonna take time but I'm moving forward daily.

+ Spiritual practice: did really good here, had a nice chanting session at lunch.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy, tried to be helpful. Not stuck in my own problems which is good.

+ Mental and emotional states: Also really good. Felt confident, felt like I had some direction. Was able to stay focused and just stay positive.

+ Life habits: Good here today.

Moved forward.

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Mar 10

Another good day. Pretty good all around. Good study session, good day at work generally, got a decent amount of stuff done. Pretty positive. Solid habits. I'm definitely feeling motivated now that summer is coming. Feeling good about warmer weather and longer days. Feeling good about my studies and I really want to kick it into overdrive so I can make progress. I want to really build a nice life for myself and I want to put in even more effort. Over the next year I really want to give it my all. Day at a time I can just try to do my best and that's what will get me there.

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice meditation session in the morning. Setting aside time for this is the foundation. I always want to keep God first.

+ Attitude of service: Good effort here. I want to be helpful at work and contribute. So will continue to try that.

+ Mental and emotional states: Never drifted into negative territory. Generally feeling free from fear which is good.

+ Life habits: Pretty clean today overall. Have had a nice week of discipline. Getting up on first alarm, cold showers. Good motivation.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 11

Good day overall but got to my sisters and snacked a bunch. So didn't eat clean. Definitely feeling pretty motivated to study a bunch. I think this weekend I'll get a bunch done. Off tomorrow so I'm planning on getting a lot of hours in. That's becoming more and more of a part of my life. I see my goal as somthing I'm excited about so i want to work really hard. Just also have to put my hours in at work and do okay there. But my main focus with effort is studying. Also just need to keep my habits clean. That's a big part also, just really living a disciplined life.

/ Spiritual practice: Decent session this morning. Didn't do a normal lunch session.

+ Attitude of service: pretty good at work. Trying to contribute.

/ Mental and emotional states: All good until I ate some processed food and just kind of took a dip. Watched some tv also witch was a drag. Funny how when I live really clean anything that isn't drags me down a bit.

- Life habits: diet wasn't good today. Ate junky food.

Still moved forward.

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Mar 12

Started the day poorly but finished strong. Got a little studying done in the morning but I was a little out of it. Made bad food choices and was just in a funk. Got a couple errands done and then took a little nap to restart the day. After the nap exercised and took a cold shower. That turned it all around. Really finished the day strong after that. Better habits and a way better study session. More optimistic and positive and feeling capable. Glad I put in some effort instead of just staying in a funk. I'm getting more motivated by my computer course. I really want to give 100%. This weekend I want to put a bunch of hours in and keep improving. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice but I'm up for it. Tomorrow got to start my day strong with some exercise and a cold shower. Just wake up early, do those things, do a meditation and then have a solid study session. Starting the day strong makes a big difference for me.

/ Spiritual practice: Pretty good meditation session, but not my best. Good effort though. Didn't do an afternoon session.

+ Attitude of service: okay here. Tried to be a little helpful around the house.

/ Mental and emotional states: Weak first half, strong second half. Funny how this depends a lot on my habits. If I rally and do something productive and that has benefit I end up feeling more optimistic an focused.

- Life habits: negative on the diet today. That threw me in a funk. Also felt weak around the sex ideal. Felt like watching porn for a bit. Glad I didn't. I want to have a solid weekend and really get ahead studying.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 13

Solid day. Studied 6 hours and made good progress. Just talked with a new sponsee I got also which is good. Had a good meditation session this morning. Tomorrow I want to have an even better session, probably try to do a longer session during the day. Overall things are pretty good and I want to keep up the good momentum I've built up. Just stick with it a day at a time. My goal is really over a year away and it feels so far. But I'll get there as long as each individual day is solid. I can drop the worry and just try to make the day as good as possible.

+ Spiritual practice: nice morning session. Doing a review now. Being helpful to a friend and had a good spiritual conversation.

+ Attitude of service: Took out the shelves of my sister's fridge and cleaned them. Good outward energy in general.

+ Mental and emotional states: in a pretty good place today. Felt pretty optimistic.

/ Life habits: Generally good but making compromises on the clean diet.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 14

Good day all around. Used my camera some which felt good. I kind of regret that purchase and wish I would've saved money but I also think it could be a nice new hobby. I set it up to work as a webcam and I also set it up to automatically send photos to my phone. I took a couple nice photos of my sister's dog. So I want to use it more so I don't regret the purchase. I really want to go to Moab this summer and take some great photos of the landscapes there. Other than that pretty good day all around. Got a bunch of studying done. Couple nice meditation sessions. Talked with a good friend about spiritual stuff as well.

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort here. Had a couple nice sessions. My mind feels really activated in meditation which is nice.

+Attitude of service: good outward energy, not overly stuck in self.

+ Mental and emotional states: pretty good here. Overall pretty positive, never sunk in to a negative zone. Really want to stay on offense and be excirted about life and the future.

/ Life habits: all pretty good except for diet. With diet I end up just snacking when I'm at my sisters. On a good streak of retention also. My sexual energy is high, and that discipline has benefits. Big thing is just keeping this going and not go back to porn intermittently.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 15

Overall a good day. But I was a bit frustrated at work. Need to be on the look out for this. I don't want an internal reaction of being stressed or frustrated. I want to take things lightly and have a good orientation. So this is definitely something to work on tomorrow. I want to stay in gratitude and keep a smile on my face and enjoy life. Today wasn't that bad at all, but I did feel a little disconnected. Also need to step away and reconnect when things are difficult at work. Definitely worth the time it takes to step away and reconnect with God.

Also took this evening off from trying to squeeze in an extra 30 minute study session. I studied a bunch last week, 5.5 hours more than my target. Studied both weekend days so today it caught up with me a little. Still got in 2 hours in the morning. But I want to keep energy high for this week and I'm going to bed early tonight. Studying really is my top goal now. I really see in the future a nice life if I keep working. I think I'm about a year away from finishing up the computer course and starting to make a jump to a programming job. I really want to work hard to get there. This is really going to challenge me to the max. It's hard and I got a lot to learn. I'm working full time so it takes a lot of effort. I have to sacrifice a bunch. But I'm totally capable. I just have to stick with it and keep practicing.

+ Spiritual practice: Nice, I had two nice meditation sessions. One first thing in the morning and one on lunch. Got chanting in also.

/ Attitude of service: Good in action, decent orientation but not enthusiastic. Was a little bothered and overwhelmed. So I want to improve and see opportunity in service and have God work through me.

/ Mental and emotional states: Pretty good overall, but again a little frustrated at work. This unplugged me from being really optimistic.

/ Life habits: all pretty good except for diet choices. Always snacking at my sisters. Good retention streak is going. Kinda stopped online dating. Felt like such a big distraction. Just going to have to follow spiritual guidance. I've liked online dating in the past, but now it just feels off. I don't feel excited or motivated. Would rather do my thing I guess. If I meet someone then great. But I want my focus to really be on building my life. Girls have to be secondary. Could still totally meet someone but can't feed distraction. Eventually I will so no need to worry. Plus I need the focus to stay away from porn also. Been watching that every couple of weeks. Just want to stay away from it for good. I have to use that energy better.

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Mar 16

Tougher day today. Was feeling a little low energy. didn't sleep well so that is a factor. Never got really deep sleep so I slept in some. Didn't exercise first thing either. Meditation session was really short today and didn't really orient myself spiritually the way i'm used to. So felt a little sluggish at work and also not as optimistic. Just felt not really motivated or positive. This is odd because i usually start out the week strong. Tomorrow I want to come back with more effort and a better outlook. Good thing is I didn't watch porn. Sometimes on off days I seek distraction so glad I'm keeping to the no porn thing. That is definitely something that unplugs me and limits me. So tomorrow I can bounce back. gonna try to get to sleep a little early.

- Spiritual practice: Didn't do that much here. My meditation session was too short and didn't do a lunch session.

/ Attitude of service: good in action. Dropped everything and helped someone today at work. That was good. But didn't feel energetic in service and didn't feel really outgoing.

/ Mental and emotional states: Wasn't in gratitude today really, was generally disconnected, didn't have the optimism and positivity that i like to have

- Life habits: woke up late, didn't eat clean. Just a little worn down from going all out last week. Hopefully tomorrow I'm well rested and ready to go.

Still moved forward today. Got a bunch done at work. Studied two hours. Just did okay on a low energy day which is good.

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Mar 17

Better day today. Didn't get off to the best start but got some things done at work. Felt like I contributed. Also got a couple difficult problems solved for my computer course. So happy with the progress there. Cleaned my sisters house some which was good. Also got back home so I think I'll finish the week strong. Something about my own environment improves my habits.

+ Spiritual practice: good effort here even though didn't have the longest sessions. Short morning session but decent lunch session.

+ Attitude of service: good at work, helped out at my sister's house. Good outward energy.

+ Mental and emotional states: improvement over yesterday. Definitely was able to feel more positive and motivated.

- Life habits: woke up late, really short cold water exposure, didn't exercise, ate a bunch of snacks. Need to improve this.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 18

Decent day overall but weak start. Slept in basically an hour. Throws my whole morning off. Only did 5 minutes of reflection and no other formal spiritual practice other than review. Had errands to run. Work went well, but my study session was lower energy. So definitely something to improve. I'm at my best when I get up, exercise, cold shower, face the day like that. So tomorrow is Friday and I want to finish the week strong.

- Spritual practice: Not enough here. Need to make this a bigger priority.

+ Atttitude of service: actually pretty decent here. Good outwrad energy good effort at work.

+ Mental and emotional states: generally pretty good but a little regret over leaving last job. I need to have faith that I'm building something nice here.

- Life habits: Again bad day here. Just feeling weak getting out of bed. Diet was good but waking up late is costing me.

Still moved forward.

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Mar 19

Decent day overall. Good effort at work, better orientation. Felt good about the day. Again I woke up late so next week that is big improvement area. This week I just was slow to get up. Also a little lower motivation to study. So this weekend want to have a good study session and also go on a nice bike ride. Really want to make good progress and keep a nice weekend where I'm active. Also want to get more optimistic and excited and just live in gratitude. Been thinking about the future a lot because I'm putting in lots of effort, but I also have to really enjoy the present.

+ Spiritual practice: a little better today. Had a decent lunch session for chanting and meditation.

+ Attitude of service: good at work. Trying to be helpful. Feeling less pressure, things are starting to normalize some.

+ Mental and emotional states: Better. I want to live more in gratitude and also be more positive about things. I generally have been this year, but I want to really feel grateful and have that be my natural orientation

/ Life habits: mixed. Bad job on getting up on first alarm. That's how the day really starts.

Overall: moved forward today.

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Mar 20

Tough day today. And total mix of good things and bad. I've been bouncing back between good and bad days lately and this is frustrating. Last summer I was just consistently on a steady path. I want to get back to that. Recently I started 2021 out on a really hot streak but have since had a couple bad clusters of days. A lot of it really goes back to porn. This is the one bad habit that I keep revisting periodically a couple times a month. It's just sex energy and sex drive and I keep stumbling there. It's frustrating because I was 15 months no porn and now I'm back in a spot where I have to give it up again. It just doesn't feel like it goes well with my spiritual path and it's been holding me back. I know I'm not at my best. That was part of the problem today also. I had a bad day and didn't get any studying done, felt a little down and so I watched porn. What's odd is I also had a bunch of really good things, cleaned my apartment, went on a couple nice bike rides, took a cold shower. But I still fell short here. I'm struggling with being lonely and having some regret also. I'm struggling with not really being interested in putting in effort in dating and just being frustrated by that. I'm also struggling with kind of wanting to just give it up and be celibate for awhile and just gain more control over sexual energy. Problem is that is difficult. It's like I go celibate for 2-4 weeks and then I release even without porn and I feel a dip. That's what happened yesterday, didn't watch porn but still released and felt a dip in my energy and focus. Then today that was reintroduced, I felt compelled to watch porn. It's like that part of my brain was activated. Anyway it's a tough situation. I really want the freedom I had when I was 15 months no porn... but I know that it will take some work to get there. In general besides this my habits have been overall down. My exercise isn't as good, I'm not as excited about life and free time. Other little habits have struggled. I want to get back on track to where I was last summer. It's really clean living and porn isn't compatible. I make excuses a couple times a month and that isn't good. So that's the big roadblock I have to face and get past. Other things I gave up and don't go back. Caffeine is a good example, need to do the same thing with porn. Part of it is just improving internet use anyway. Distracted internet use leads there. And it always happens on bad days. When I'm feeling down I'm a little bit vulnerable.

+ Spiritual practice: Actually a really nice and significant morning session.

/ Attitude of service: Stuck in self, just in my own head generally. Was helpful in a store and really recongized an opportunity to be helpful.

- Mental and emotional states: Fail here. Just felt down and not connected. No focus or concentration either.

- Life habits: Some good stuff but watching porn is the real fail. Not happy about this.

 

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Mar 21

Getting things back in order today. Still feel let down from watching porn. But also just lack of sexual discipline in general. Even before watching porn it felt somewhat of a defeat to orgasm. I was on a nice streak of retention and the reason I released was just feeling a little down and frustrated. So it was like and emotional reaction. Instead I'd prefer to have greater discipline in that area of life and not turn to it when I'm feeling down. The 15 months no porn was a good example of a pretty nice and healthy sexual practice. Now that i've introduced porn again I just feel off. It's been frustrating. It's definitely going to take some work to get back to the freedom I had. That's really a top priority now. I think back over the past winter and it was tough on me. Covid is going on, I was feeling isolated, it gets dark early, I didn't get outside a lot, etc. But what would it have been like if I didn't sporadically watch porn? I definitely think it would've been better. The problem is that from time to time I just go back to that. The problem isn't the frequency, the problem is that it has a negative impact on my overall well being. It just unplugs me. So I can't have any frequency with that. So I'm actually thinking about going celibate for awhile and really trying to gain more mastery over this energy. I've had nice streaks of retention, but full celibacy is difficult no doubt it is a challenge. With all of it the hardest part is the tough days when I'm feeling down. That's when I fall short. So just need to recommit everyday. That's really the only negative in my life now. 

+ Spiritual practice: 2 really great meditation sessions. Helping me prep for the week.

/ Attitude of service: not really good outward energy, just kind of stuck in self. Wasn't resonating today, not really an attitude of looking to contribute

- Mental and emotional states: couldn't focus and had to take a day off from studying. Didn't feel on the positive side of things. Spent most of the day in doubt and worry and second guessing myself. This is a by product of falling short with my sex ideal. I end up in a lower state.

/ Life habits: Mixed: Some good and some bad. Fell short with diet. I'm recommitting to being more serious here like I was last summer. My exercise has to step up, have to get up on alarm, etc. Can't compromise on these things.

Moved forward today.

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Mar 22

Had a really strong day today hope to keep it up. Really put better effort into cleaning up my habits. Last summer this was the norm and I've slipped a little since then. I'm really committing to bringing this discipline back. Avoided distracted phone use today and I feel great. Got up on first alarm. Glad I'm back to no porn and ready to do retention again. I think I have to look at this as part of spiritual growth and go celibate for 30 days, perhaps extend after that. 30 days for now because i've had streaks like that somewhat regularly. Point is the last time I watched porn it actually initiated when I just released without porn. That just kind of started the chain reaction. I noticed too how after I release I really do feel a drop of energy. I felt let down. I really want to direct this energy and maintain it. It's a strong force so if I can direct and control it all the better. Point is that this past winter has been difficult because i'm back and forth with the porn. Really have to give this up again. It holds me back and makes me fell defeated. I want to get back to a better place where I have freedom from this. So important thing is the first few months, to really give it my all and leave it behind me. It's going to be a test but I really have to do this. It's just a roadblock to spiritual growth and better relationships.

+ Spiritual practice: On a busy day had 50 minutes to give to God. Great work here and a product of getting up early and putting this first.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy. Looking to contribute.

+ Mental and emotional states: Felt really connected and positive. Last summer I really was in a spot like this consistently. This is what I need to get back. I've been dipping into negativity because of letting myself down and watching porn from time to time. That just unplugs the consistency.

+ Life habits: Excactly where they need to be. Living clean with high discipline.

Moved forward today. Best day in awhile. Need to keep up the willingness tomorrow.

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