Jai

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About Jai

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  1. Aug 1 Decent day, feel more connected now but somewhat difficult times during the day with the doubt I have about work. Probably moving on though. Gonna see what that looks like and gonna talk to people tomorrow about this I think. Might have an opportunity to work with a friend cleaning carpets which would be nice. That way I can make some money and just kind of see what's next. Today did some fun things to take my mind off of the decision. Was nice to hike and go for a bike ride. + spiritual practice: really nice meditation session after wim hof breathing. That really got my morning off to a good start. I have got to keep up my investment with God. That is number one. Really got to keep God first. No matter what happens if I keep God first I'll be okay. - attitude of service: stuck mostly in self today. Just really worried about the future and myself, didn't have really good outward energy. Need to look to stay oriented toward others and contribute - mental and emotional states: in a lot of doubt over the future. I want more faith and the feeling that I can't make a wrong decision. That God is directing me and that I need not fear. Easier said than done of course. But I'd like to have that feeling that God will direct me and that I can meet the circumstances that present themselves. + life habits: pretty good here. Really nice cold shower, pretty good diet which is nice. Exercise was good also. Moved forward today
  2. Journal session I really am not sure what to do. I'm really thinking about leaving this job but I have worry about what would be next. Of course I could work somewhere else but it's just I'd like to leave on good terms and I've only been at this job for a little over a year. My problem is I only have really done anything lately for a year and then I switch. And it's tough starting over. When I'm not working I don't feel good. Working gives me direction and purpose. I do worry about not having a strong reference even though it's clear I'm not one to climb the ladder or have anything that looks like a normal career. So part of me wonders why I should even worry about it. But money is more important to me the older I get and starting new is always tough. But I definitely also don't see myself working do the same thing for years without a break. So that's the predicament really. The practical thing to do would be to just stay at this job for another 10 months and make the best of it. That way I'd have 2 years at the same job. And I'd have some more savings. But it would suck to just count down the time at work just to say I worked there 2 years. That kind of thing makes me cringe. I don't feel like I've been put on this planet just to count down my time at a job. It's also tough because the practical thing would be to just find a similar job that pays better, get that job before I leave this job. But I also don't want to do that. I just want to take a little time off and travel and take a sabbatical. So even if I stay two years I just see myself taking time off anyway. I could just leave and get another job now... but I don't really want that. Even some of these jobs that pay more. I look at them and I feel that it's not something I really want to do. There's a lot of people out there that can somehow just stick with a career path, keep on the trajectory and they end up having more responsibility and making more money. That was never me when I was younger and now I feel like I'm trying to turn myself into that so I could make more money. Some people do want different things out of life, or have a different set of values, or just accept that that's how things are and stick it out doing the same thing. What's holding me back also is that I kind of feel bad for our team, I definitely contribute and it would be one less person on the team that would make life difficult for everyone else. I do like some of the contributions I've made over the past year. The pros of leaving are I get to get on with my life and figure out whatever is next, I get to take some time off and travel - i could go visit a girl I dated in Italy for awhile, i wouldn't have to stay at a job that I don't see myself doing long term, work atmosphere can be tense at times so i wouldn't have to deal with that The cons of leaving are it's covid time and it's limited with where I could really travel or what I could do, i would have to start over - that is emotionally draining something about that makes me feel worthless and in doubt, I'd lose out on the 401k plan i'm in now at work which is pretty good, my intention was to stay two years which i wouldn't have done The thing is this isn't the life I want... I'm glad I've given this a try but the way things are now isn't exactly what I want. So I know a change is coming, the question is just when. It feels like the things holding me back are mostly negative emotions - say doubt, fear of letting people down, uncertain future, etc. Maybe I just need to get more excited about whatever is next and just go do it. I'm more leaning toward that than staying. But I just can't pull the trigger - will probably try to talk to the bosses tomorrow.
  3. Jul 31 Mixed day. Some victories but also challenges. My internet use on my phone is distracting and a big negative. It's just checking pointless websites to distract myself. It just instantly disconnects me. I got to bring back the phone box and just turn off my phone sometimes. I'm feeling doubt and uncertainty over the future and what to do so I go to this habit. Also didn't have the best diet and just was feeling a little off. Pretty soon here I'm going to have to commit on what to do. Beyond that I'm glad I didn't watch porn. Kinda felt like watching porn but it's important that I keep that area of my life clean from that distraction. So that was a victory. Also did some nice service today. Washed a car to help out, tried to be helpful at my sisters also. Big thing is just making a decision though. + spiritual practice: really strong morning session of chanting and meditation with the monks at the temple + attitude of service: found multiple ways to be helpful today. so that was something that made me feel more connected and useful - mental and emotional states: definitely want to improve here. felt some uncertainty and doubt, receded into a bit of self pity and lower thoughts. didn't have the confidence and faith that i want. / life habits: mixed. not living super clean which should be my standard. I want to get back to living a motivated and purposeful life. last year this time i was because i was taking work and life seriosuly and was not compromising on habits. i need the same attitude: I just can't compromise on habits. i can't compromise on my spiritual life and putting God first. I have to work really hard to build a nice life. so it's up to me to do this. still moved forward today
  4. Jul 30 Decent day. Had the day off but decided to work to contribute on a project and just take another day off next month. Felt good to get a lot done so I'm not too stressed about work. Might be leaving anyway. That's a big decision. I feel like I got to make it this weekend also. Other than that I've been having good morning sessions. Got to keep that a priority. + spiritual practice: good effort in the morning. also did a nice meditation at lunch. that was really nice to step aside during the day to recenter + attitude of service: good at work to contribute. also good when I came to my sisters house. found ways to be helpful. so real good effort there + mental and emotional states: definitely better. not in a lot of fear over the upcoming possible changes. just need to be in a place of trust which i'm working on / life habits: can be cleaner here. need to get back to waking up really early, eating a clean diet, etc. It's not horrible but I want to set a higher standard. also i'm not feeling really strong. my exercise needs to improve still moved forward today
  5. Yes, I agree about the initial discomfort, it's over relatively quick and my body is used to it. After my body adapts to the cold I really enjoy the cold for awhile... especially just letting it run over my head. I think that gets really good blood flow to the brain and then after I feel so alert for meditation. Some time I'd like to also get into cold water immersion, but there isn't any place really close by for a swim. I did go in an alpine lake a couple weeks ago which was fantastic. Totally different sensation than a shower. Good to know I'm not the only one with mental resistance 👍 I also just feel so much stronger, prepared and ready after some cold exposure. I always say to that the mind that talks me into a cold shower is the mind that talks me out of a bad habit. If I can face the cold I can change anything else in my life. Be well! That kayaking looks amazing!
  6. Jul 29 Decent day but also a big decision looming over work and I feel it. Not sure if I'm going to leave... but I'm leaning that way. Got to do some soul searching this weekend. Just trust God. Other than that a good day with contributions. A little agitated with work but also volunteered to work tomorrow even though I was off so just gonna take a different day off. Truth is we got a project that is pretty important so it's important that I get some stuff done tomorrow. The real big barrier though is I'm not really loving life. I've kinda been there and done that with what I'm doing. So I don't have a lot of excitement or enthusiasm. I want to be more pumped about my path. That's why I'm feeling a change coming on. Basically that's it. Want to have the best possible days and keep my commitment to God no matter what. I also have to realize that it is difficult to start over so I can't discount that. But I do want to take a weekend and decide. What I've pretty much always opted to do is to go for something new and different instead of stay in the same place. Anyway, my comittment to God is strong so I'll be okay. I really want to keep my daily spiritual practice forever. That's the kind of commitment I felt in my heart about 16 months ago. To never take my foot off the gas and to never let up. Just to day in and day out make spiritual growth a priority and I'm doing that. / Spiritual practice: okay, but woke up a little late and didn't have the greatest session. Was decent and better than some days so not bad. But the last few days I've had some really strong sessions. / attitude of service: good in action, volunteered to help a coworker that was nice. Still can improve what I call "outward energy". Still kinda in my own haead about the decision. Also not truly engaged with others. A day were I was and felt a little limited in action and not really putting myself out there / mental and emotional states: decent but not in deep focus during the day. Am not super intentful during hte day either. A couple months ago I had a really strong vision during the day and was really positive and motivated and ready to go / Life habits: same thing, okay but not great. Overall not a bad day, but didn't excel. I know I have a higher standard. Part of the problem is I really don't see a strong and clear path forward. Just gonna have to decide eventually and go for it. Still moved forward today
  7. Jul 28 Decent day, had another work conversation. Feeling a little uncomfortable with the changes happening. It does kind of feel like I'm going to leave this job. I don't want to dwell on this now. I'm sure I'll journal about this this weekend. Instead gonna get some sleep and have a strong day tomorrow. Looks like I have Friday off as well. So with all of this I still had a pretty decent day. Just not as motivated and energized as last summer. I really see the difference. Last summer when I started this job I was pretty driven and pretty motivated. Now I'm just in a normalized routine and not feeling as energized. Even though my habits and lifestyle stuff is overall pretty good. I just pretty much see that this isn't the actual path I really see myself on long term. Anyway, all to journal about this weekend. + spiritual practice: really nice morning session again. I'm really keeping my daily commitment to God. I really mean it when I say this is a life long commitment. I never want to take time off from seeking connection with God through meditation and prayer. Day in and day out I want to make this an important part of my life. / Attitude of service: okay in action, not so great in spirit. didn't really have a true attitude of service today. deep down I want to do better and have this orientation toward the world that I want to contribute. so i want to improve that energy / mental and emotional states: not really in a lot of fear or turmoil, but not exactly positive and optimistic. Kinda just sitting with the changes and felt a little dull. / life habits: decent but not great. ate some processed food, slept in a little. but also had other good habits so mixed. still moved forward today
  8. Jul 27 Good day all around today. Feel good about the conversation yesterday at work with a supervisor. Moving in a new direction, hopefully I can stay part time and be remote. Either way I feel it's time to move toward something new. It feels good to have already faced this and took a little action to find a solution. I'm okay with whatever at this point. Just got to accept that it was time to move in a new direction and that I was frustrated and in some fear and doubt. So today just felt good because there is relief I've accepted this. Had a good attitude at work. Felt more calm and focused. Savored the day a bit. So no doubt there will be difficulty ahead, there always is. Big thing is just keep my commitment to God and to my spiritual practice. Just really keep that as the focus of it all and the foundation. Trust that I'm on a good path and trusting God and things will work out for me. + spiritual practice: good morning session so i'm proud of that + attitude of service: got some good things done here today. good contribution at work, good effort, better orientation toward service and outward energy. not as stuck in self and my own problems + mental and emotional states: better today, more optimistic, more hopeful and connected. faced a difficult situation and now after I'm back to normal - feeling connected and directed toward God + life habits: pretty good all around
  9. Jul 26 Didn't have an internet connection last night so reflecting back on the day the this morning. Good day. Lots of relief from talking with my supervisor. I definitely feel better. Yesterday morning I was in a lot of doubt and was restless. I didn't have a strong clarity, purpose, direction. It was a difficult topic to bring up with my supervisor but I'm glad the conversation went well. I talked about wanting to switch directions and study coding more. I discussed the possibility of working part time so I could put more time into coding and my supervisor was receptive which is nice. That was a relief, I don't think my team will be upset if I pursue this. Or even if I were to leave to do this. I thought that my team might be upset or confrontational over this which wasn't the case. So I'm glad about that. I was overly worried and it was in my head. It's because I do care about the impact of me going to do something else. So I'm glad it wasn't a big deal and I'm glad I had that conversation because I realized really clearly that I wouldn't want to just remain doing the same thing for the next year. It would be too static and I wouldn't grow. So I know I ahve to alter course a little and I'm glad that I had that conversation. I also said I wanted to be remote which is what I want with it. I want to get to some place warm before the winter comes. Anyway maybe this will happen or maybe I will just go do my own thing and find something else. But the good news is I can be on good terms with everyone at work which is really important to me. + spiritual practice: good morning session. I now have a good amount of time in the morning to really set myself up right. My morning spiritual time is so important for setting up the day. + attitude of service: improved here. better outward energy, felt better after discussing everythign with my supervisor. I felt good about that converation and I had renewed energy to contribute / metnal and emotional states: challenged in the morning with doubt and worry over my work situation and the conversation i was going to have. the day prior i was really focused and had good clarity but not in the morning. after the discussion felt good that I brought it up for discussion and felt good about the place i was at mentally. so sometimes difficult things come up to face + life habits: good here. really happy about the trajectory i'm on again. back doing good habits after feeling frustrated and lazy here and deviating from a solid path moved forward today
  10. Journal session Today I'm in some doubt and feeling restless over a conversation I'd like to have with my bosses. I feel like transistioning to do something different. But I'm not sure what will happen. There is something safe about just staying and working and making money. And I don't like the feeling of starting over again either. There is also some worry over having a difficult conversation with my bosses. I'm definitely valuable to the team and I worry they'll be upset when I let them know I would like to leave. With a decision like this I'll never be 100% feeling good, just because it's difficult. The truth is I really don't see myself doing this forever and I'd prefer to not be here a whole year more. Over the past year I've put in really good effort, made good progress, so my peformance is good. There is some tension with a coworker, but with this I've put in effort to improve the relationship at work and communication but I've just accepted that it will never be perfect. Yesterday I felt a lot better about this, but today I'm not feeling great. It's the uncertainty over the future and the financial uncertainty as well. Just looking at it quick there are definitely some cons: having to start over, having to look for a job, how I feel when I'm starting over or looking for a job, feeling like I don't have the direction other people do, not being on a defined trajectory, not having that stable and reliable income that does feel good to work and cash a paycheck. But there are also pros: I know I'm not going to stay at this job forever so just getting on with it, being able to find a way to leave on great terms, not having to always try to improve a problematic communication/work relationship, being able to go do something different, being able to take some time to stay at a temple, being able to take some time to go live with a friend, maybe travel a little. The thing is that I do like working and saving money. So I'm sure I can work somewhere. It's just how I feel about this. I definitely don't have the normal work/corporate career trajectory. I can't seem to force myself to stick with something and climb the ladder. so that's the difficulty I have. But maybe that's just also me. I know if I work I can feed myself so that's good. So going to take a little time during the day and then schedule a call with my bosses I think and to have an honest discussion about this.
  11. Smartphones, internet, etc seems to be really addictive and is really common that people get distracted by these. As good as my spiritual practice is and as much discipline as I have, I get sucked into this from time to time. Usually when I'm feeling a little off, uncertain, or in self pity. I find myself checking dumb news sites or things like that on my phone. In the past I've had a phone box where I would put it in there. Or just turn it off. But like you said, same thing with a computer. It's there to be distracted by. Tough to find an optimal use for sure. And where it's makes my life better. Often times checking the internet, watching videos, etc makes me feel dirty after. It can be a dirty type of entertainment that drains me a little of life. Problem is at the same time it can be a great resource. Hard to find the sweet spot I guess
  12. I'm a big believer in Wim Hof breathing and cold showers. I've been consistent with this for awhile and get great benefit. It's funny but the cold showers still aren't easy for me, there's always mental pushback. And right now the water is relatively warm since it's July. That January water is so cold. How natural is it for you to get in the cold showers? Do you have any pushback? What do you tell yourself? Sometimes I just say to myself that this is going to be the toughest thing I do today, or steal Wim's "the cold is a merciless yet righteous teacher". Things like that. I love the breathing though - my meditation after is much better and more easily focused.
  13. Jul 25 Well it feels like I'm making a change with work. Gonna sleep on it, pray and meditate in the morning and then have a conversation with my boss. I'm going to see if there's a way to transistion out of this role while still being fair to them and setting them up for success after i leave. maybe go down to part time. I've kind of felt this for a bit, there's been some fear and doubt. Right now i feel a little unsettled. That's just how it is. I have some fear over starting over, fear over what's next. but at the same time I also feel like I definitely do not want to settle in to what I'm doing, that I'm being pushed in another direction. So I want to have a lot of faith in God, faith that things will work out. Faith that I can trust my instincts. I've been seeking God diligiently for over a year. Day in and day out I'm taking action to bring God into my life. So I have to trust to a certain extent that I'm walking a good path and have a good trajectory. So I can face the future confidently. It's just I've never had a "normal" life, never really fit in to the normal 9-5 work the same job for years. So I'm a little fearful that I'm not going to have enough money, and that I'm not as secure in life as if I were to do that. So I did that for a year and it's been nice, but I can't climb the ladder. I want to do something else, maybe learn coding more, travel a bit. Work some more also. I think I really want to work, but not with what I'm doing now. So the big thing is just leaving on good terms. Making sure I transition well, am fair to them, set them up for success so that they are pleased with my effort. + spiriutal practice: another really strong morning session. it was fantastic. extended meditation and prayer session. going for the same thing tomorrow. + attitude of service: pretty decent here, good outward energy, looking to contribute. had some good conversations today + mental and emotional states: mostly positive, despite journing about some doubts here i've been mostly in faith today, mostly optimisic. so i want to keep building that + life habits: better here, some progress. I want to keep this up more moved forward today solid day of effort trying to connect to God. want to keep that up
  14. Jul 24 Interesting day. I had a really strong meditation and chanting session in the morning after doing wim hof breathing. That made me feel more connected and solid. Felt nice to have a longer weekend session. Lately my weekend session have been lacking. I've been in sort of a funk of doubt, self pity, fear, etc. And this has impacted my spiritual life. So it was good to have a nice session. I need it most when times are difficult, but when times are difficult sometimes it's easy to sink in to complacency since I don't have the strong vision and clarity. For awhile I was ultra motivated and it felt good. I want to get back there so I have to try and do that even though I don't have a clear goal for the time being. I've been struggling with some bad habits as a result of the doubt. Unfortanately that's what happens sometimes when I'm tested, I turn to bad habits for comfort when I need good habits more than ever. Good news is I'm on my way out of the funk. Another good thing today is I'm staying away from porn. That's my ideal. I want to set a high standard. I've gone a long time without watching porn in the past- 15 months, a year, etc. I've done long spans of retention also and there is a lot of benefit to sexual discipline. The discipline there is so difficult that it spreads to other areas of life. The problem recently is I watched porn a handful of times which isn't good. So today was a nice victory because I felt an impulse to do this and just didn't. It has to do with the high standard I'm setting for myself and because of the lack of respect I have for myself when I do that. So with this I want that behavior to be beneath me. It really just comes down to not indulgin in a bad habit when I feel off or down. I definitely want to keep this area of my life clean and to have discipline here. I know there are good things overall coming if I clean up bad habits. + spiritual practice: really nice session todya, something to be proud of. I want to repeat this tomorrow. + attitude of service: better here, better outward energy, not as much stuck in self / mental and emotional states: decent here. still not in the place of optimism that I want to be. Still some doubt about what to do with work and the future, so that trips me up. But improvement over where I've been / life habits: pretty good overall. should be getting up on an alarm on weekends. It's okay to sleep extra but the lack of an alarm at all makes me just lazy to get out of bed. It's better to set an alarm and then take a nap later moved forward today
  15. Jul 23 Okay day but not at the level I'd like to be. Days off can sometimes be like that. The intensity is a little lower so I lose the urgency to really get the most out of the day. Languished a bit in worry about what I'm going to do with my life. Some of the uncertainty has tested my faith some for sure. I feel a little fearful and also uncomfortable. I feel like I'm kind of living a little trapped and that what I'm doing now definitely isn't what I want to be doing much longer. But then I also feel that I'm not really sure of what else to do and I don't want to start over from zero again. So it's kind of exhausting to tell the truth. But I do want to stay positive, stay in faith and keep bringing God into my life. - spiritual practice: really weak session today. Lack of a goal, lack of something to really work for like I had with studying has had a negative impact here. Boredom and free time doesn't exactly help me. Funny how this affects my spiritual practice + Attitude of service: good example here of helping to cut the cake at a get together. I was all over that. So that was good. Although not great outward energy today - mental and emotional states: not where I want to be. Not a horrible day, but also not in the solid territory of optimism and positivity. Was tested today as I'm in some doubt - life habits: not so great, bad diet choices, distracted use of the phone, etc. still moved forward somewhat. I was so strong when I was studying and really giving 100%. I probably just need to get back to working toward somehting. Might be time for a second job.