Jai

Spiritual Review and Progress

484 posts in this topic

Nov 24

+ Spiritual practice: Another good day doing chanting, japa, nice meditation and prayer session. This is really important to me and I'm sticking with it.

+ Attitude of service: good today, reached out to a newcomer to be helpful. Just trying to do service and positively impact others.

+ mental and emotional states: good. Still have a way to go to get back to a really semi permanent positive state. I didn't fall too far, but I'm off of the consistency I had a couple of months ago. But today was good.

+ Life habits: Good. But I ran out of energy and took a nap. Need to stay focused on the long haul and find something that is sustainable. I'd like to really go hard and also study every day but it may turn out I need a weekend day off so I don't crash too hard. Nice having this week vacation to progress. Thursday is Thanksgiving so that will be a nice break.

Overall: A good day. Feeling more motivated and that I'm on the right path. Felt the presence of God and felt some more trust. Just keep doing what I'm doing.

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Journal session

I have a week off after working pretty hard for 6 months. I've decided to dial back the intensity a little bit during this week just so I can prep for going back to work. Good news is there is a Christmas break not too far in the future. And after that another long stretch of work without a big break. Anyway, I'm getting a decent amount of studying now so I'm happy with that. I had thought I would just keep the same intensity of a work day but do studying and I've decided not to. I'll still get a lot done for study, it's just I feel I also need to relax a bit. During a work week it's up at 4 to study 2 hours before work. One weekend day I treat like a work day so I can get 8 hours of studying done, and one weekend day off. Which I may reconsider. If I need it off then fine, but I've thought about also at least studying a little, especially if I can review things and not be on my computer. Anyway so this week I'm going about it a little differently.

It's funny though because today I didn't set my alarm, it felt like I had slept in and I was like it's finally time to get out of bed and it was only 5am. So I've definitely built a habit of waking up early. And going to bed early. Usually I work out right away and take a cold shower, all good things. But with lowering the intensity I think I'll do that on a break later in the day. So right now I'll just journal and do some meditation, reflection, prayer, etc and then begin a nice study session.

One thing that is definitely present and has resurfaced is porn. I was 15 months of no porn and watched it 3 times in the last 1.5 - 2 months. Not something i'm happy about but something i have to deal with. I'm still operating on a pretty high level, but I also have to admit that it took the wind out of my sails a little bit. There's something about it where I lost a little edge, lost a little confidence, lost a little motivation and purpose. So it's not worth it. The other problem is that it's reintroduced that as a mental option for when I have high sexual energy. That's the real problem since it's tempting again. Over that 15 months it was basically eliminated as an option. I've been caught off guard since when I watched a little once it just presented itself again and was pretty relentless. The whole point is that I'm going to have to deal with this until I get to a point of freedom again. I know there's a place where the new porn free habit takes over and I basically never think about it. I just have to keep away until I get there. That means just dealing with the mental weak spots. I can have a great week but if one day I feel a little down, or want distraction it presents itself as an option and I give in. That's what happened the last two times.

So really it's just prepping for the mental weak spots. I really want to have spiritual strength in those moments to just do anything besides watch porn. I can just jerk off without porn and get it over with, or anything else, go for a walk, go grocery shopping, call friends to see how they're doing. It's just the habit that when I feel I'm in a weak spot to just do something different.

Going back to porn has shown me a lot about how persuasive bad habits are. I don't want this bad habit to become consistent. So it's crucial I take care of this now. So I'm working on being grateful for this learning opportunity, going to really rely on God to give me strength and direction. It's a glimpse into how far I've come and how I don't want to go back. There's too much on the line now. I got a job that asks a lot of me and I'm meeting the circumstances. I'm taking on an intense computer course that will require so much effort. All my other habits are solid so porn doesn't really fit in to the equation. So I have to move forward in this area. I see how it can really hold me back and make me dull.

Another reason for it is feeling a little bit lonely. That's something I can work on. It's odd times with Covid so everyone is feeling a little socially isolated. But I can't use that for an excuse. I can reach out to friends and do my best to be friendly. Eventually I'll meet a girl somewhere. This is something that can also throw me off emotionally. I really am building a nice life, and I look to this one area and feel lonely or discontented. So I don't want to sweat this area of life. I've dated a bunch in the past. Now really isn't the time. I'm super focused on work and my future. It's covid time so not really the best time to be dating either.

All of this has to do with spiritual growth and really mastering sexual energy and lust. I definitely want to enjoy sexual energy and have a nice relationship. But I also want to improve my mastery over this. In many spiritual traditions there is importance placed on discipline hre. I think the reason is that since the energy is so strong that if it can be channelled there area. lot of benefits to that. Especially at the mental level. It's really easy to get distracted thinking about girls, I really want to channel this energy and bring this area under guidance and control. I've already done this to a certain extent with semen retention. But i want more strength here still after going back to porn 3 times.

Another thing is just keeping a long term perspective. I think this computer course could take a year and a half. It could actually take more. I need a mentality of whatever it takes. I'm working so I can pay my bills. I can afford the class. So I can do it at a good pace and not worry about money. My work is with databases and computers so it's helpful to what i'm looking to do after this course. So the focus should be on learning it really well.

So today I want to have a nice study session. Have some good habits and spiritual practice. Feel really connected and that I'm moving some place good.

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Nov 25

+ Spiritual practice: My chanting has really progressed. It was stagnant for awhile but I'm making really nice progress now. If I keep it up I can probably finish this chant by the new year. That would be good. Then I'd have a solid 10 minute or so chant down. I really want to mix that in to the regular practice when I've fully learned it.

+ Attitude of service: Made some nice guacamole for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm not the best cook so I can contribute a nice thing like this for people to snack on before dinner. Pretty decent outward energy.

+ Life habits: Pretty good. Day off so lower intensity but pretty decent study session and pretty decent habits. Need to build up my sexual energy again and gain more discipline there. Feel like I'm moving in the right direction. The main thing is just not watching porn.

+ mental and emotional states: Pretty good also. Not where I want to be, but never really fell into negativity. I want to get back to a place of really strong gratitude and positivity. Have that be how I feel most of the time. I'm still feeling a little dull and just want to get more momentum.

Overall: A solid day. Pretty good all around. Taking it a little easy since it's a vacation time. I knwo the intensity will charge back up once we get back to work. I'm doing a good job studying. Just got to stay consistent and really move forward day by day. I've had some setbacks recently. Part of it is how dark out it gets early. Part of it is the cold and I'm not enjoying things like biking and being outside as much. I'm adapting, but those definitely affected me. So I just got to prep and get more serious about winter and really holding things together.

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Journal Session

Woke up today and first thing was to bring my thoughts to God. I think that is such a good habit. Just think "God how can I serve you today" or something similar and then go in to  a quick prayer. It's nice having some time off because I can do a morning journal session like this and then go deeper in to spiritual practice. I'm really at a cross roads now becasue I've had a really solid spiritual practice for like 7 months with nice urgency. I settled in to work a little bit, and got a little complacent in my sex ideal and watched porn like 3 times. This took the wind out of my sails and was a setback. The point is I need to get my momentum and confidence and motivation up again and really turn to God even more. It really can be a transformative mistake if I rely even more and surrender even more to God. I just have to accept the mistake and get my edge back by continuing and deepening my spiritual practice. So today I want to keep up my good work and good habits.

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Nov 26

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice morning session. Again good emphasis on chanting. Also had a really good prayer session, best one I've had in awhile.

+ Attitude of service: Was helpful for thanksgiving. Helped with dishes and had good outward energy. So the right orientation herre.

+ Life habits: Pretty good. Didn't eat clean because I had some food I normally don't eat for thanksgiving. Other than that I'd say pretty good.

+ Mental and emotional states: Also pretty good. Felt pretty connected today. Didn't really fall in to fear and worry. Just keeping my focus on spiritual things.

Overall: A nice thanksgiving and a nice day off. Didn't do a study session so I'm ready to get back in it. From time to time I'll need days off to recharge. Overall just need to stay consistent and motivated. So ready to get back tomorrow and have a solid study day.

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Nov 27

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort today. Didn't have as satisfying a session as yesterday but still good effort.

/ Attitude of service: Stuck in self a little bit. Didn't have good outward energy, was kind of bothered and distracted.

- Life habits: Bad diet choices today. This basically never happens but the day after thanksgiving I had some sweets I took home and snacks. So that through me off. Plus feeling lazy out of bed. A slow start to the morning isnt the best for me. I do so much better if I exercise first thing and then take a cold shower. Start the day with accomplishment. Tomorrow I want to do better. Just start my day off strong.

/ Mental and emotional states: okay but not energized. So below standard. I want to get back to feeling energized and motivated. I've been drawn back in to a lower state just because of some bad habits and losing a bit of edge by becoming complacent and comfortable.

Overall: Got some things done but what really stands out is bad diet choices and just some complacency. I guess I need a little break once and awhile. But the point is that I have better days when I have the discipline. It's like I feel better when I push myself a little and do rewarding things. I'm going to be asking a lot of myself over the next year and a half and beyond. So what this means is I don't have a lot of room for bad habits. It really means I should keep focused on progress. I want to get some good momentum going again so I can really bring that good energy into each day.

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Nov 28

+ Spiritual practice: Put over an hour in today for meditation, breathwork, chanting. Really solid effort and rewarding. Definitely want to keep this up.

+ Attitude of service: good outward energy, letting God work through me, just putting my life together in a way that I can serve God.

+ Life habits: A lot better today. Even though I slept in a little I really did a good job of good habits. Exercise and a cold shower is so valuable to getting my day started right.

+ Mental and emotional states: Pretty connected today. Overall really optimistic and not distracted. Felt good to really feel the direction that I've gotten used to.

Overall: A good day all around. Felt good about things. Got some good studying in, also felt good about my down time. Had some good conversations with friends. So good all around.

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Nov 29

+ Spiritual practice: Great effort. took an hour in the morning and gave it to God. I'd love to have an hour every morning like this. An hour is about the perfect amount of time to do chanting, breathwork, meditation, prayer, japa and not feel rushed. During the work week I break it up and end up doing some on lunch or after work.

/ Attitude of service: Stuck a little in self today. Kinda felt a little overwhelmed by my own problems and worries. Didn't ahve the outward energy I want.

/ Life habits: good in some ways but I didn't practice retention. I think I need more discipline here. I felt down and a little lonely so that was a distraction. Glad I'm not watching porn though. Either way I want to get back to the disicpline I had a couple months ago. Release once, max twice per week and never before a work day. Just keep my energy high and let that discipline carry over into other areas of life.

/ Mental and emotional states: Good in the morning. I faded in the afternoon and sought distraction. I can learn from that though. Ready to go after it at work tomorrow. I'll need to be at my best after a nice vacation.

Overall: A little tougher of a day. Not really having the energy I'm used to having or the optimism. It's funny how "vacation" can turn me kind of lazy and fall into less than optimal habits. And then I pay the price and don't feel as energized. It probably wouldn't matter if I didn't have goals and aspirations, but I'm really trying to give my all to build a nice future for myself. So down time has to be beneficial. True rest and relaxation. Not falling into laziness or bad habits that are detrimental to how I feel. So today was a mixed day, representative of the last week. Some good things, but some other things that could be improved. Anyway, getting to bed a little early since on work days I get up at 4:00am. Haven't done that in a week. I was getting pretty used to it though. So have to get back into that habit.

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Nov 30

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Set aside an hour for God on a busy day. 20 minutes deep breathing and prayer before work, 20 minutes chanting and japa at lunch, 20 minute meditation after work. I have to break it up since I'm studying in the morning but this is a good recipe. Chanting is going good now and I'm making good progress.

+ Attitude of service: Helpful at the meeting today and was helpful at work. Good outward energy.

+ Life habits: Really good. Up at 4:00am and good habits all around. Real nice study session also. Just got to stay consistent and keep making progress.

+ Mental and emotional states: Pretty connected and positive. Felt pretty good overall. Never dipped into negativity or doubt, etc.

Overall: Great day all around. Good effort and good results. Got to keep it sustainable yet set a high standard and push myself a little. I"m really asking a lot of myself with my study sessions before work but I got to be willing to make that sacrifice.

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Dec 1

+ Spiritual practice: I put in another hour for God. I think that will be a really ambitious goal, to set aside that much time daily. i'm asking more of myself at work and at study so I need to rely on God. So it's good that I'm really prioritizing this. It helps me connect and be effective througout the day. So it really is a top priority.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work today. Good effort and action. Also in a pretty good place mentally.

+ Life habits: Good overall. Strong effort and study session. Felt a little down after work, a bit agitated and the thought of watching porn is out there. I need to keep no porn as a core habit. It will take a little while to get back to the freedom I had at over the past year plus no porn. Slipping up has made it an option again, so the idea is to just stay away until I get the freedom back.

/ Mental and emotional states: Overall really strong except for a little lull where I wasted some time on the internet and got distrcated mentally.

Overall: Good day. Definitely made progress. Just got to keep putting together days like this. Also got to think about dating again and putting in real effort there. I really don't want to watch porn, I'm just a little lonely and want to date. Making excuses with Covid but probably should look at putting some effort in.

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Dec 2

+ spiritual practice. I had two three meditation sessions today for a total of 80 minutes. Really good effort. Really good awareness of my breath during the evening meditation. Good effort all around here. I'm really investing in God.

+ Attitude of service: Good, trying to really contribute at work. good outward energy, never really got stuck in self today.

+ mental and emotional states: Was positive today, was energized, felt pretty good about things. Never really went into negativity or fear, doubt, regret, etc. So back to feeling pretty connected.

+ Life habits: Good. Up at 4 again, exercise and cold shower. Another good study session. Plus went for a walk outside in the cold with a t shirt. It was about 35 degrees today. I want to get more comfortable with cold exposure outside. Other than that other good things also.

Overall: A solid day. By turning to God I don't have to get overwhelmed at work by the grind. Or get discouraged by the long haul. I have to work hard and build my future and also just live life and enjoy what's going on now. It's gonna take awhile and i just have to accept it. Keep my focus on my good progress.

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Dec 3

/ Spiritual practice: Okay but not as epic as the last few days. Only meditated for 20 minutes. Didn't do a lunch or evening session. Okay though I'm still committed

+ Attitude of service: doing good. I do have good effort at work. Trying to be helpful and have outward energy. 

/ Mental and emotional states: felt a little overwhelmed in the afternoon at work. I've been going with really high energy all week so the tank feels a little empty. Also have been thinking about watching porn. Not sure about this. Always feels like a bad habit or something holding me back. But then I can be like what's the big deal during covid when it's hard to meet people. Anyway, was 15 months no porn and now it's like feel like watching it every couple of weeks.

+ Life habits: pretty good today. Like I said I've been high energy all week. Up at 4, exercise, cold shower, 2 hour study session. so it's been intense.

Overall: Good day. My actions and efforts were good. Got a little low energy and disconnected in the afternoon but that happens.

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Dec 4

Tough day today. Watched porn again. That's like 5 times now in the past 2 plus months or so. I was 15 months no porn which felt good. Never really thought about it. Sure enough I watch it a little and I'm drawn back in. I've been pushing myself hard in life. I keep a really disciplined life, I've been working hard and studying hard. Sure enough I think I broke at my weakest point. Just feeling a little lonely and isolated from covid and i guess I needed a little distraction. I'm definitely not at my high performance best if I watch porn. It lowers my vitality, mental states, emotional states, how I feel about myself etc. So I'm in a tough spot right now. It sounds stupid but I probably just need a girlfriend. Last time I gave up porn I had a love interest for awhile. That really kept me away. It's just with Covid it seems hard to meet people. Anyway, I want to get back to discipline in that area of life. If I have discipline with sexual energy that is a huge benefit to other areas of life. I'm really going to have to dig deep to turn this around and not fall back into porn. I remember how frustrating this can be. So it's gonna take some pretty good effort over the next few weeks to get past this. It takes awhile, that temptation has been activated again. It's like I had freedom from a bad habit and now I've gone back. I definitely think I need to put in consistent effort with dating. That way I'm not feeling isolated. If I put myself out there eventually I'll meet a girl. Plus it's like forward movement toward a better sex life and better sex ideal.

/ Spiritual practice: Okay put 40 minutes in. Chanting is still going pretty well. I'm almost done with this chant. Didn't get normal morning session in.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work. Trying to be helpful. Good effort.

- Mental and emotional states: Total fail here iwth watching porn. I wasn't at my best. This habit could erode a lot of the progress I've made if it becomes consistent. Over the past two or so months I minimize the damage from watching porn, get back to good orientation, make progress and then fall back again. It's a mental and emotional thing. I just get worn down by this temptation. Seems to catch me when I'm down and need distraction. I got a couple tough months ahead of me to move past this. Plus it's winter so I'm not as active and that affects my states. So I have to dig in and get more serious.

- Life habits: Not good today. Slept in a little. Watched porn. Doesn't matter if the rest was good if I fail on things that I shouldn't.

Overall: Had a good day at work. But failed personally. Got to commit tomorrow and dig in and get ready for really going for good habits and getting back to where I was.

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Morning Journal session

Despite me falling short of my ideal for sexuality a lot of good things are still going on. I want to keep that progress and deviance from a disciplined path in the sex ideal is a threat to that. One good thing is today I didn't set an alarm and slept in, and I still got up at 5:30. It really felt like I slept in, I had enough rest, and was like okay enoughs enough, time to get up. so that's good. I'm really used to waking up early. Today is going to be a total day of running errands and taking off for the most part. I'll do some studying of my flashcards but I'm not going heavy into studying that's for tomorrow. I want a day to regroup after watching porn yesterday. It really does affect my consciousness negatively. After I literaly feel a mental distraction. I really lose the clarity and focus I normally have. The real risk is watching porn regularly and falling back into that habit. It felt completely gone after 15 months away, I watch a little and that whole part of my brain is activated again. The pattern over the last two months is I watch it, I forget about it for a week or two, and then I feel frustrated or a little down and the idea and temptation comes. Then I feel weak at that point and just give in. So with this it comes down to facing this difficulty now, which I've already said. I realize the danger of this and it could throw me off course of my progress.

The truth is porn doesn't fit in at all in the life I've built. I have so much discipline and good habits, and it's just a threat to that. On weekdays I wake up at 4, exercise, take a cold shower, meditate, study 2 hours, eat breakfast, work 4 hours, take a lunch and go for a walk, listen to a spiritual podcast, meditate sometimes, work another 4 hours, then do chanting, meditation, japa, eat a healthy dinner, sometimes meet with friends, do a review of the day and go to bed around 8. Porn doesn't fit in with all of the discipline I want to continue to build. And porn definitely makes me lose motivation and energy to really conquer the day. It makes me feel dull. Just like today I feel a little dull and that I lost momentum. So there is no room for it in a high performance life, it's really just low performance.

The crux of everything is the pull it has in weak moments. I can definitely rationalize it and say: it's not so bad to watch porn a couple times a month, or I'll just watch it until I find a girlfriend, or similar things. The pull is really strong and I just give in also. It's like I feel a little down and that presents itself as a distraction. The truth is that I have a different ideal for my sex life. I think it's probably time that I put in some consistent effort toward dating again and be more positive about that than negative. I can get negative about dating but it is way better to put up with the difficulty of dating and eventually meet someone than to just be passive about dating and fall in to porn again. So for me to put my best self out there in dating i got to stay away from the porn. Otherwise I'm really not at top performance with confidence with my progress and self.

The other thing is that I really have been tested and pushed to the limit recently. This is where I broke and fell short. Since it's not summer I've lost two of my favorite activities, riding my bike and going hiking. When it's really cold these just aren't the same. Plus it's dark out after work so I can't really get outside that much. I'm working from home and don't have social interaction at work. And all of society is kind of isolated with Covid. On top of that between studying and work I'm putting in to close to 60 hours a week of really disciplined work and directed mental effort. I'm asking a lot of myself and I broke and gave in and have started watching porn again ocassionally.

This is a big threat because it could lessen my effectiveness in so many areas. It's just low performance. And I realize it wants to suck me back in. So after 15 months away it still has pull. It is going to be hard to give up again even though I've barely watched it. I've binged watched it like 3 times. And I don't even want porn, I want a girlfriend. So it's time to work for that.

And it's time to really step up in my weakest moments and just ride out the fact that I feel a little off and not seek distraction in porn. So that is the real commitment, to really not give in and ride out the fact that I'm tempted and just do anything else until the temptation goes away. So that and being more positive about dating and putting in some effort there.

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Dec 5

Had a good day today. Nice day off but still got some things done. On the right path again and willing to try again to stay away from porn. 5 times in last 2 months is no good. Need to drop it like before. Took a nice bike ride around town which I really liked. Now that it's cold and dark after work I never really bike and I miss it. Also had a nice study session. Tomorrow is my big day studying but today went well getting 2.5 hours in.

+ spiritual practice: Had a really nice hour long session in the morning. Felt the connection grow throughout the day.

+ Attitude of service: Went out of my way to hold the door for a couple ladies today. Decent outward energy.

/ Mental and emotional states: Okay but still a little dull and in hangover mode from watching porn. When I do that I just let myself down. It takes a little while to build up the vitality and mental focus and internal strength. So I definitely need to keep progressing and not let this hold me back.

+ Life habits: Pretty good day overall. Got up early at 5:30 and it actually felt like I slept in. Ate clean, took a cold shower. Studied some, ran some errands, went on a nice bike ride. Had some good conversations with friends where I felt like i was helpful.

Overall: Good day, nice day off where I enjoyed my time and got some things done.

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Dec 6

Had a really good day. Went on a great bike ride since the weather was warmer. I really miss riding bike like I did when it was warm out and sunny after work. The darkness has definitely affected me this year so I have to adapt and get stronger. Good habits today, I got some studying in and am learning a lot with my computer course. Plus I'm enjoying it some also. It feels good to have a goal that I'm working toward. Got some good momentum today for the week and glad I'm moving forward after watching porn a couple days ago. That is going to be the big challenge. Now that the door is open it's almost like that part of my brain is activated again after no porn for 15 months. I definitely want to get back to good discipline in my sex ideal and not fall short. So all that really means is setting a high standard and being able to handle the times when I'm feeling a little down, or in need of distraction. It's really just about stepping up at the weak moments and deciding to just doing something else no matter what it is. Basically I'm anticipating a difficult day this week where I'll be a little stressed or down and want to watch porn. I can also anticipate it will be a few months until I'm back to a really solid place where it doesn't present itself as an option. it's gonna take whatever it takes. But i know there is good freedom out there from porn. Been there before.

+ spiritual practice: decent effort. no mega session, no real deep meditation either, but still good effort. Chanting is back as a regualar part of my practice. excited about this! Almost finished with the chant. When I finsih then I'll enjoy it more because it will be chanting and not learning chanting. It's a pretty long chant also maybe about 10 minutes, I'll have to time it. Learned it in the pali language so i'm pretty proud of my perserverance.

+ attitude of service: good outward energy today. No real interaction with people though. I wasn't stuck in turmoil or my own problems. Just ready to serve God.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good today. Ready for this week. Definitely will be challenged. I want to keep the God connection up.

+ Life habits: Also good. Nice clean day of clean habits and good discipline. Also had a nice weekend pace so not too strong.

Overall: Good Sunday, ready to head into the week and do my best.

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Dec 7

Really good start to the week. I felt really connected and strong. Did some pretty good service at work, although I have to watch out for internal reactions of being critical or upset when things don't go my way. Good performance all around and never fell into negativity. It's nice this week because I have Friday off! I can go really hard and have a great study session on Friday.

+ Spiritual practice: good. Did meditation, prayer, pali chanting, japa. Went to a meeting also.

+ attitude of service: trying my best to be helpful at work. That is main arena for service. Also trying to make everything in my life an offering to God. Live really clean and just do my best here. Never perfect but i can make progress.

+ Mental and emotional states: where I want to be. today was a good example of a connected day. Not in negativity, playing offense. I think I'm adapting to the demands of my schedule. so i hope to consistently be in this positive territory.

+ Life habits: Really clean. Up at 4, exercise, cold shower, WHM breathing, meditation & prayer, study 2 hours, eat healthy breakfast and listen to spiritual podcast, work 4 hours with good effort, take a walk on lunch and listen to spiritual podcast, work 4 more good hours, chant and do a round of japa, prep dinner, go to a meeting with friends, eat healthy dinner, do this review, go to bed at 8pm. A really clean and disciplined day.

Overall: Solid day. Keep this up. I have too much good progress to lose in bad habits. I'm really just prepping for the moments when I'm tempted by bad habits. The very real pleasure of living clean is more important than short term unclean pleasure in bad habits.

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Dec 8:

Had a really good day, but was a little low on energy in the afternoon. Not as strong as yesterday. Still did good all around. Really good habits, a good morning spiritual session and study session. Really making the time for spirituality. And I went on a nice walk on lunch to get outside. Weather has been warmer which is nice. I really don't like the winter, even though I'm doing Wim Hof method and cold showers for over 6 months I'm still really sensitive to the cold outside. REally the only thing to look out for are my internal reactions at work. I never get really upset or anything, but I do experience disturbance. Today I felt a little more stress than normal. There is really never any end in sight. I just have to work and do my best. Beyond feeling a little more stress I find myself getting upset over new projects and when things go wrong. Again, I'm not way off balance, but I let requests and emails bother me sometime. So for me the big thing is to recognize this and move back toward service, toward being helpful, toward being positive and not negaitve at things or toward coworkers. Everyone is just trying to do their best so I can relax a bit and not get disturbed.

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort. Didn't have an epic session or anythign but did okay.

+ Attitude of service: good at work. Trying to contribute and keep up high activity. So my effort is there.

+ Mental and emotional states: pretty good. Like I said I have had some disturbances but I'm also very aware and don't let this affect me. Never really fell into negativity today or other things that would lead to fear, worry, doubt, etc.

+ Life habits: Good. Living really clean. I know I'll have a down day where I'm tested so I have to prepare and just keep a high standard. Bed time now so I can get up early tomorrow.

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Dec 9

Good day today. Improved my emotional reactions at work from yestreday and also adapted better to the stress. I'm definitely putting in good effort, have good intentions alos. Only thing is that I'm pushing myself to the max. So sometimes I do get a little stressed or a little upset. But as I become more comfortable with the demands of what I'm doing I'll adapt. I really am doing a lot and I'm proud of that. The big thing is to be consistent and to also not be in a rush. It's gonna take what it's gonna take. I have an idea of building anice future but it's far away and will take a lot of effort. I can't get stressed about that and just move a day at a time the best I can. So tomorrow is another day. Good thing also is that I feel like I have more discipline with my sexual energy and that I'm gaining more clarity here .

+ Spiritual Practice: Good today. Really nice chanting session after work. this is still going well. I can't wait until i finish this chant and have one solid chant down. Other than that normal solid practice with prayer, meditation, japa.

+ Attitude of service: Good today, good effort at wokr, good outward energy. Not stuck in self.

+ Mental and emotional states: good holding it together under the stress. Not falling into negativity. Not as optimistic and has connected as I can be, but still good here.

+ Life habits: Good here also. It's tough getting up early but it's worth it. I'm doing a good job of fitting as much as i can into a day. REally the bad habit out there is checking my phone and mindlessly looking at things on the internet. Need to clean that up. I can't be on a screen any more than I have to be since I work and study so much.

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Dec 10

Felt pretty worn out in the afternoon. Just mentally not sharp. I'm definitely pushing myself so from time to time I'll feel like this. Gonna go to bed now. I just spend so much time on the computer that I get a little worn. I'm really giving a lot of mental energy all day. Tomorrow I have off of work but I have to get a big study day in. A lot of the reason I'm pushing myself is to study and build a nice future. I work 40 solid hours, and each week I'm studying minimum of 18 hours, so around 60 hours if I put in 2 extra hours. All time spent on the computer either learning programming or doing my job with databases. I'm super entry level so I want to really work hard now for a nice future. This weekned I'm going to be with family so I want to make sure I get my study hours in. It's a huge priority. By end of december I want to be able to start this computer course i'm prepping for.

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice evening chanting session and meditation. Settled in really nicely. There's something about chanting that really does settle me in. So even with all of my work and studying I put in 56 total minutes in meditation, prayer, breathwork, chanting today. Gotta keep investing in God.

+ Attitude of service: Tried to be helpful today at work. Put in good effort, not stuck in inner turmoil.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good, but also felt dull and a little worn out. I'm pushing myself and adapting. I like it when I have that sweet spot of positivity, confidence, faith, etc. Also saw today how I can get distracted by lust. Sure enough during my meditation i was distracted. It definitely can be a weak spot. I really want to put that to the side and keep focusing on my progress and goals. Sooner or later I'll meet a girl. for now I want to stay with really building a nice life like i have been. It's okay if I date and stuff, but I don't want to get mentally distracted by girls.

+ Life habits: Really good. Up early, strong habits all day.

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