Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

solve is an anagram of loves

Just noticed that dissolve is the last word posted above. Talking about riddles above that. Synchronicity never gets old. 

 

It's SO sneaky. I read posts on the forum, and I like certain people and am triggered by other people. Other people I leave it up to what they say, I form no opinion. My opinion (based on memory, which are stories based on opinions, all a house of cards with no foundation under it) colors what I see. Sometimes people I feel are parrots post stuff that resonates that I need to hear. Do I believe there's someone (not someone in actuality but my opinion of someone I take to be fact and don't question) behind the post? Do I believe wisdom and understanding are possessions held by people?  

I throw things out in my own posts to see how people will see them. I post double meanings, implicit clues. I make references that are hard to understand, that tie around from one referenced story into another. I refer to "I" when I don't mean myself. Am I entertaining myself? Do I hide Easter eggs for my kids because I want to entertain them or myself? Should I just hand them their candy without fanfare, and say "here, there you go". Truth be told, the candy is a necessary but very small competent of the fun. The excitement is in the search. At the end, the candy just goes in one big bucket, no one gets to keep it for themselves and no one complains. The funniest Easter eggs are the ones you hide too well. The ones that only turn up accidentally when you're looking for something else weeks later. 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

You are a mag-nificient spell caster. So very p-ow-Erful, all, incantations are highly suspicious 

I must digress 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows I am very powerrorful 

[mandyjw]

"There aren't two to come together." 

I think I never liked this guy because... of his hair cut? (Reasoning is fuzzy.) "Shut the fuck up bro." Being 19 and seeing a video of Eckhart Tolle sitting on a stage doing nothing and me getting furious comes to mind. 

 

[mandyjw]

"Every time I tell the story it sounds different.

"It can't imagine what is because it's in it making what is look like something else."

"A lot of the energy of me is "yes but," -Jim Newman

Funny story, when I was in 6 or 7th grade, I had another of what I felt was a fat shaming teacher moment, (the other one was part of my shadow work/story fuckery last winter) She said that we weren't supposed to say "yeah, but". So she got creative one time I said it and drew a character on the chalk board. She drew an enormous round girl and wrote "yabut" above it. Everyone laughed and I identified with it (I think she intended for it but who knows) and was embarrassed by it. 

I am a yabut. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

@Marc Schinkel

 

There was something that I think my father used to say when I was a kid that stuck with me. He said for kids who grew up in the church, Jesus was the "wallpaper". There was nothing to discover, love, seek, explore, it was just something to overlook and accept without thinking. Same with a kid born into a rich family, making money is something he has to do to maintain himself, not a dream of sheer possibility with that "nothing to lose" attitude behind it. 

Then you realize that the "wallpaper"... , your wallpaper... is what you seek. If you seek the mundane, unwanted and overlooked here and now with the passion and drive of someone seeking something they desperately love and want but have never known

What are you looking for? The end of the sentence? Who told you that sentences had to be finished? Where does a sentence start and end? Does it start when it's thought of, or when it's begun to be typed? Does it end when it's read or does it end when it's understood?

Are you looking for a satisfying conclusion or pointer? The end of seeking? 

 

Edited June 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Why does this denial not "work"? Why does it sometimes drive you into nihilism and depression? Because a thought or ideal of nothing, of now, or infinity is something. A thought of no ending, of no "aha moment" is just a thought trying to be an ending unto itself. 

"No", is not a thought. Negation is not a thought. It is not a step, a method, or something you do. 

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a dream that I was in a building full of people who were dying of various causes, (infections, Alzheimers) and I tried my best to avoid them for the entire dream but couldn't and was traumatized by it all. At the very end it turned into a horror movie scene. There was this beautiful woman (who looked almost like Evangeline Lily from Lost) and a man told her that he had switched her body parts around from someone else (his victim), and her eyes, etc were not her own. I watched her reaction of horror.

When I woke up I realized that the dream was showing me my attachment to being a body.

[mandyjw]

I noticed that my resistance to a lot of teachers was simply attachment to being a body. Especially where a lot of the teachers are men, I have to hack my survival mode, even to listen to a youtube clip because that sizing up (am I safe here?) is always happening. Something in the ego senses fear and assumes that it is a body, so this man is not to be trusted, therefore not to be listened to. In order to hack this and open my mind, it sometimes flips to attraction if it can, sometimes a kind of motherly love (all biological filters/self hijacks of love). It sounds really shallow and silly but it's not personal, and it can't be observed if it were made to be personal. The body mind thinks it has to have a good reason to love, it has to get something from it. The "whore" and Mary Magdalene devotional whore archetype during awakening makes sense. I'll let anyone into my head, into my psyche, because it's not mine and was always infinitely open. Non-existent in fact.  

There's nothing to get, and everything to lose. 

I had a flip out of a somewhat depressed state a few days ago. I was at the river and after writing through the events of the years of life and my struggling to tell that story honestly, (knowing that my memories are always pulled out of my ass in the here and now ), I realized that it's really fucking brutal of "me" (the yabut) to think I should be anywhere else than I am right now with the thought patterns that the yabut has practiced still running, seemingly. Seeing and feeling alignment (awakening, falling into this "knowledge") is a completely random gift, not a new standard to use as a measuring stick that you smack yourself with more than gain information from. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with anxious thoughts going. Things I have forgotten about pop up immediately with the emotion of anxiety and judgement of neglect. I think this happens to almost everyone. I sort of observed it and the thought came up that I forgot a fishing hook in my pocket. 

Yesterday at the river I found a red fishing hook. I thought that the right thing to do was to pick it up so no one got hurt on it. Once I did I realized I had no where to put it and I couldn't safely get rid of it. I had a dog on a leash that was jolting me around and it was a huge inconvenience. Eventually I settled on wrapping a piece of grass around it and putting it in my pocket. In the night I remembered that I just took off my shorts left them on the floor and never took care of it. Then I realized that finding a red fishing hook at the river, was not the mundane event I thought it to be, but symbolic and I had to go do something, I had to speak up about something. If it's uncomfortable to carry around a fishing hook that might hook you, you have to (want to) do it anyway for the well being of others. 

My husband and I have connected really well lately, but we got into a sort of debate fight which was really emotionally driven on my part. I knew I was projecting but, I was arguing the case that I was furious about people gathering in protest after we've gone through so much to tame the virus. I realized that I had a problem with protest, speaking out against something. Am I pushing against, pushing against? 

The day before I was running in the woods and thinking about how suffering is a projection and how running all my life has allowed me to see through that in a way, and just then I rolled my ankle. It hurt really bad. My mind projected out in a bunch of different ways. It blamed me, worried about how it was going to go on with being a busy mom, worried what my mom might think and how she might react and projected a story of someone I know who is a busy mom who hurt her knee and had to deal with that. All this within a few seconds. Then the pain went away. I saw the funny timing of it, then I was able to run on the ankle again after a minute.  

A week or so ago I went for a walk in the woods. I was having horrible back pain and was with my Dad. He was in a horrible mood and started complaining. We went past a spot that they told me the dogs went crazy by and had told me they thought there was a bear or something there. My dog went off with my parent's doberman. The doberman came back and my puppy didn't. He never showed up. We called and called, waited and waited and he never came back. I ended up running, hard even though my back hurt. The pain completely went away. My mind spiraled into stories, stories about the neighbors losing a dog in those woods and her never being found, stories of people nearby stealing dogs for dog fights in the past, stories of bears and coyotes luring dogs in. Worry about how my kids would react if her were gone. And I told myself the entire time I shouldn't be worrying, shouldn't be concerned, should be able to intuitively know where my dog is. And the thought came up, if this is what enlightenment is about it, FUCK it. And I realized that something had been let go of it that moment. A long time later I found him staring ahead at me in the trail, fine. The worry of the situation wiped out my back pain and Dad's depression as we worked together to find him. 

[mandyjw]

You're the light, you're the night
You're the color of my blood
You're the cure, you're the pain
You're the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care
'Cause I've never been so high
Follow me through the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

 

 

[mandyjw]

JESUS CHRIST, this song just showed up and the video is 50 Shades of Grey???

The thing I spoke out against was blurring the lines between consent and setting a bad example and yet women's fantasy entertainment goes and does the same thing. 

Synchronicity, go fuck yourself.

Edited June 6, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

"Experience is separation."

This guy makes me resonate deeply and also gives me nausea. Apparently.  I make myself. 

Edited June 6, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

My mom used to worry that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the antichrist when he started running for politics, and she had read some prophesy that the antichrist would come from Austria.  I was raised to be a bit racist to be honest. I remember working with another kid younger than me and telling him that and he thought it was HILARIOUS. Anyway, I guess Jim Newman is from Austria. Main character in 50 Shades of grey, Christian.

Well Jesus Christ on a bike. 

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say black, I say white
You say bark, I say bite
You say shark, I say hey man
Jaws was never my scene
And I don't like Star Wars

You say Rolls, I say Royce
You say God give me a choice
You say Lord, I say Christ
I don't believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I wanna do is

Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle

 

That's weird, I always heard "Christ died" and was offended by it. But it doesn't say that. It says Christ! ... I... 

 

[mandyjw]

Look at the cat on Freddie's sweater. Reminds me of my "care killed the cat" cat. 

[mandyjw]

I dunno. The Victorian era was mostly just a bunch of fuckery. Spirituality = fuckery BTW. 

https://www.agefotostock.com/age/en/Stock-Images/Rights-Managed/MEV-10991364 I found these 100+ year old cats postcard in my wall when I gutted it years ago, minus the last cat who is inexplicably flipping you off, they were a big part of the shadow work that happened at the start of this year. 

"These are the days of our lives
They've flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but some things remain
When I look and I find, no change"

Oh God, oh God, it's so beautiful. This creation, Freddie Mercury in some stage dying of AIDS performing his heart out in this video, being raised a little bit racist, all those things you'd like to shudder about the ugliness of. A memory, a dream. They are an inseparably beautiful part of this story. It's just a story. It's just pure creation, seamless unfolding. 

When I look and I find, no change

I still love you

[mandyjw]

I've never heard this one, Freddie's last vocal performance. 

I don't want to sleep with you
I don't need the passion too
I don't want a stormy affair
To make me feel my life is heading somewhere
All I want is the comfort and care
Just to know that my woman gives me sweet
Mother love ah ha

He can't make it through the song Brian May finishes it. 

God works in mysterious ways
Eeeeh dop, de dop, dep dop
I think I'm goin' back to the things I learnt so well in my youth

[DrewNows]

I was warned about the "gayness" of Bohemian Rhapsody by my stepfather, but watched it anyways, such a ride, glad to gain more appreciation for that art story. Have you watched it? 

 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Oh yeah. I've been a Queen fan since I was 14. 

[DrewNows]

@mandyjw awesome, I never knew much about the story but after playing the theme in marching band back in hs, quickly learned to dig it with all its strangeness and abnormality ?