Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

It's the basis of everything, forgiveness, open-mindedness, clear perception, unconditional love, healing. And it's only possible because no thing/no condition makes all things, well... infinitely possible.

LOVE IS ALIVE!

Even learning to follow your intuition means learning to question intuition. Even receiving insights means letting go of insight. 

Even a marriage, long term relationship or a skill that you have spent your life mastering is only alive when it is let go of and freely experienced in the moment. It is only then, when the weight of time and the one who is committed to or doing, is let go of that this "investment" is enjoyed or experienced. Ironically the deepest, longest commitments require the most letting go.

Which is exactly why or how you committed to being you. You aren't even...a you. 

 

[mandyjw]

I am a rascal, I am a rascal, I am a rascal, I am a good girl and I know it. I've never been one for affirmations. I am full of shit. I am unbelievable. 

 

 

"I'll let go!" 

What is depression? I have some sort of ego backlash. I get up at 5 to meditate and the past two days my daughter has gotten up too. Today is so rough that tomorrow I'm getting up at 4 to meditate. Meditation is an addiction. Because, I still am so distracted during the day that I cannot hold my connection like I want to. I want to be able to not meditate. I can not meditate. But my beliefs and fears about meditation and depression are showing, like an uncovered blister. The bandaid helps it heal, yes. But it also allows you to forget that the sore exists, which may or may not be helpful, if it requires attention in any way. 

Depression is a kind of self created drama, which though this statement may sound yucky and heartless if one identifies with depression, there's a kind of desire for the profound that is mixed in with depression. It's like a desire to create the profound, to hold out for it. To hold on to it. But you are it. Let go and...

TA DA! 

Oh, go fuck yourself. I've suffered from depression since I was 10. My life and my self actualization journey has been a game of chase, I'm the prey and the depression is the lion. I have literally, literally run for miles and miles since I was 10 to run away from depression. Now, I've found that I can sit to run away from depression. What a revelation!  

But I am the lion. Lying. Sitting in meditation, running, or sleeping, sitting watching Leo Gura or Leo DiCaprio on youtube, I am the lion. 

I truly enjoy the profundity of meditation, of running, the drama of dreams, or Leo's videos and romantic dramatic stories, but, in the end I may have to admit that I unconsciously enjoy the profundity of my depression as well, and the unconsciousness of this enjoyment is the only veil that colors the profundity the illusory color "depression".  

Homeschooling my son off and on while writing this and look over and my daughter has powdered the puppy's entire butt with cornstarch and it's all over the floor. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe I should just do neither and just clean up the mess. 

 

 

A brilliant parody of what was ALREADY both a profound AND funny song. 

"Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?" I'll never let go Jack.

"Oh let me joke..." "We do not like your jokes" "Oh let me joke..." 

Edited May 6, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

My daughter pretends to find jewels in the house, "look a jewel! Look, ANOTHER one!". My son says "You can't find jewels in the HOUSE, only in the basement!" 

Me: "She's PRETENDING, go do your  WORK." 

[mandyjw]

Oh shit.

Peter- verb decrease or fade gradually before coming to an end.

Peter name, meaning stone

The name Ralston is a boy's name of English origin meaning "Ralph's settlement".

ralph /ralf/verb INFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN vomit.

Ralph name- meaning "wolf-counsel".

 

Edited May 7, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I remember Leo making a comment somewhere on the forum about how it's sort of like you have to mourn your life, and it is, it does feel like that and it's compassionate to acknowledge that but also what a lot of dramatic bullshit. 

There was also someone else who asked what they should do before they became enlightened and I thought that was such a ridiculous question and answered with "get all your suffering out of the way first."

Who's ridiculous? Moi. 

I'm this level ridiculous. 

Today in the shower I was trying to meditate and not think. I get a lot of color and pattern seeing when I close my eyes in the shower, and for whatever non reason see royal blue a lot. I was seeing it and not trying to notice it and my inner voice shouted in a hilarious voice, "BLUE!!!" I laughed. 

 

Three Successes: 

Lots of shooting down thoughts and assumptions today

Realizing that I also need to allow, appreciate and dream or I become like this level ridiculous above, only with a nihilistic flare.

Clarity on how profoundly and completely desire works just to fuel appreciation. 

Three things that brought me joy:

My son's enthusiasm about building electrical project experiments with my dad.

The sunset

Cut flowers from the garden

Three things that I am thankful for:

My son's teacher is amazing.

wisdom

humor

 

[Artaemis]

On 06/05/2020 at 7:07 AM, mandyjw said:

LOVE IS ALIVE!

 ??♥️

[mandyjw]

@Artaemis

 

Last night I read two threads here. 

 

Nahm's reply sort of cut through like a knife and was somewhat terrifying in my imagination. 

At some point last night, the answer came to me in "sleep", a thought is a thought.

 

 

Edited May 8, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

“The right art," cried the Master, "is purposeless, aimless! The more obstinately you try to learn how to shoot the arrow for the sake of hitting the goal, the less you will succeed in the one and the further the other will recede. What stands in your way is that you have a much too willful will. You think that what you do not do yourself does not happen.”
― Eugen Herrigel

“Don't think of what you have to do, don't consider how to carry it out!" he exclaimed. "The shot will only go smoothly when it takes the archer himself by surprise.”
― Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery

“The more one concentrates on breathing, the more the external stimuli fade into the background... In due course one even grows immune to larger stimuli, and at the same time detachment from them becomes easier and quicker. Care has only to be taken that the body is relaxed whether standing, sitting or lying, and if one then concentrates on breathing one soon feels oneself shut in by impermeable layers of silence. One only knows and feels that one breathes. And, to detach oneself from this feeling and knowing, no fresh decision is required, for the breathing slows down of its own accord, becomes more and more economical in the use of breath, and finally, slipping by degrees into a blurred monotone, escapes one's attention altogether.”
― Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery

“The man, the art, the work--it is all one.”
― Eugen Herrigel

“You must learn to wait properly... By letting go of yourself, leaving yourself and everything yours behind you so decisively that nothing more is left of you but a purposeless tension”
― Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery

“This, then, is what counts: a lightning reaction which has no further need of conscious observation. In this respect at least the pupil makes himself independent of all conscious purpose.” ― Eugen Herrigel

“You had to suffer shipwreck through your own efforts before you were ready to seize the lifebelt he threw you. Believe me, I know from my own experience that the Master knows you and each of his pupils much better than we know ourselves. He reads in the souls of his pupils more than they care to admit.”
― Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery

“How far the pupil will go is not the concern of the teacher and Master. Hardly has he shown him the right way when he must let him go on alone.”
― Eugen Herrigel, Zen in the Art of Archery

[mandyjw]

My mind blanks out completely sometimes, I also fail to grasp basic concepts, or I never seem to retain them. I have trouble memorizing things, having to guess again and again basic things like, how many weeks are in a year, etc. I have trouble learning in situations that stress me out, I have trouble learning verbally from a teacher, or in a class setting. I'm a slow learner. I tell myself this is why I didn't go to college. I've always been embarrassed by this. I can't learn as well when someone else is present, when someone else is teaching me because of anxiety. In driver's ed I could not remember which way was left or right. The one job I had working for a boss at a plant nursery, I couldn't remember how to run the cash register under pressure. 

Ditz, flake, blonde, worthless, stupid, incapable, pathetic.

This is ultimately is the cause of my driving anxiety, and anxiety in cities. I shut down completely and become stupid and incapacitated. I was supposed to be driving to a major city today for the first time, and thank God for corona virus. 

Sessions with @Nahm, this is coming up. Anxiety in full force. Subjective and objective elude me. Do I understand, not understand, which is the right understanding? I actually feel bad for him, that he even has to talk to me. There isn't understanding or subjective or objective, it's a joke, but I feel as if it's being played on me? Why do I feel like I'm the punchline? Rather, why DON'T I feel like I'm the punchline? 

But what is really going on? How can my mind "blank out"... what is happening there? It feels sometimes like coming close to the place of "passing out" which I do when I combine pain with thoughts, and resist in my attempt at transcendence. Sometimes with social anxiety I am actually afraid and feel like I will pass out. I'm not afraid of my fear, I feel the need to hide my fear in these situations which magnifies it. I want to hide this horribly embarrassing, unforgivable flaw. It makes me remember the first time I passed out, in biology class, I got a bad cut when my lab partner pulled a pen with a broken metal clip out of my hand hard and I wanted to hide it, but it was so bad I couldn't and the conflict within me made me pass out. How did I end up making him feel with all this effort to not make him feel bad? 100 times worse. Care killed the cat.

A fox killed a cat by my house last fall, I suspected and my puppy reminded me of this by digging out bones of cat spine and hind quarters a couple days ago. He look so ridiculous running and playing and flipping around a horrifically dead thing without a care in the world. 

How do I know I'm even remembering this passing out story correctly? I'm not, it's not possible, but the sensations are the story I'm interested in here. What if the sensations are thoughts themselves? ALWAYS. If a thought is a thought, what is a sensation? A thought! So foxy. 

When else did I pass out? When I got my ears pierced, because I was so conflicted about making a decision to hurt myself for some vain purpose. I didn't want them to get infected so I put peroxide on them so often that they got infected.

When I slammed my finger in the door at my parents house, when my dad had been drinking and there was all kinds of awful stuff going on and I told myself that I had to be functional and responsible and didn't have time to hurt myself. That time I was into consciousness work, and I observed and enjoyed it that time. 

Why does the law of attraction work so quickly on me, it's creepy! I'm SURE it doesn't work so quickly on OTHER people. 

In meditation I'm trying to go from thinking to feeling, but in conversation and driving and learning under pressure, I want the opposite! What happens if you try to exclude a part of a whole? Pressure, resistance. 

I am afraid that I'm going to make myself so afraid that I'll pass out. That I'll forget everything I know. Is it possible to resist so much that you give in automatically? 

All of this is due to an illusory doer. No duer. Dew drops on a spider's web, interconnected and reflected each in another, indra's net, the stars in the universe, one light, blah blah blah beautiful poetry and imagery.

There's no one doing anything. No one resisting anything. Resist enough and you surrender automatically, it's done for you. HA! That's what I'm afraid of. 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2020 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

@mandyjw

Should I do that thing where I copy your whole thing and write a bunch of things? 

[mandyjw]

@Nahm I have no objections. I use my journal like a trash can for thoughts, sometimes forget to take the trash out though. 

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

My mind blanks out completely sometimes, I also fail to grasp basic concepts, or I never seem to retain them. I have trouble memorizing things, having to guess again and again basic things like, how many weeks are in a year, etc.

None of that’s true about you.      (?).   Overall (this post) ...misunderstanding is moving up and out! Yes!!!!! Understanding follows. Let it all out. It’s all views of the ‘separate self’, all beliefs about you, going bye bye. None of them are true. Emotion out, feeling arises (love). Thought try’s to thwart the whole purification. Seriously - make a mantra of “I am the sneakiest being in all existence”. It is surrendering to the fact. It’s a way to not get caught up in thought during purification. To not ‘hold on’, or justify with logic, reason, identity, etc.(Sneakery!)  Let the love that you are love it all right outta ya. No ‘going to the past’, no reinforcing the separate self. Don’t even “do” the love - get to know the cork & it’s nature directly! 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I have trouble learning in situations that stress me out,

That’s not true about you. That situations stress you out is deflection, projection, blaming. The stress is the result of believing thoughts which don’t feel good to you. Inspect em / let em go.  

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I have trouble learning verbally from a teacher, or in a class setting. I'm a slow learner. I tell myself this is why I didn't go to college. I've always been embarrassed by this. I can't learn as well when someone else is present, when someone else is teaching me because of anxiety. In driver's ed I could not remember which way was left or right. The one job I had working for a boss at a plant nursery, I couldn't remember how to run the cash register under pressure. 

The first time you believed thoughts about yourself which were not true, it did not feel good. Feeling had your back so to speak, but you believed the thoughts anyways. You continued doing it, continued ignoring and not listening to feeling...and...labelled your inner being... “anxiety” ?. It still loves you. It’s unconditional. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Ditz, flake, blonde, worthless, stupid, incapable, pathetic.

This is ultimately is the cause of my driving anxiety, and anxiety in cities. I shut down completely and become stupid and incapacitated. I was supposed to be driving to a major city today for the first time, and thank God for corona virus. 

“If a thought arises about myself which does not feel good because it is not true....I’ll just still be right!! Wait...that doesn’t even make sense though. I know...I’ll label the feeling as wrong...I’ll call it ‘anxiety’.”  “Yeah, that’ll work...I can invent driving anxiety, city anxiety, etc. I can be “sutpid” even...but atleast I’ll still be right!!” “I can just label my inner being all kinds of ways!! That’ll work!!” “And when a virus starts killing everyone - I’ll thank my inner being for it.” “This all makes perfect sense!!!” 

?

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Sessions with @Nahm, this is coming up. Anxiety in full force.

No! It’s LOVE. I love talking with you...but then again...I’m not judging you. 

Let the thoughts & beliefs about yourself go already sister!!

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 

Subjective and objective elude me. Do I understand, not understand, which is the right understanding? I actually feel bad for him, that he even has to talk to me. There isn't understanding or subjective or objective, it's a joke, but I feel as if it's being played on me? Why do I feel like I'm the punchline? Rather, why DON'T I feel like I'm the punchline? 

 

Because you’re labeling love - “anxiety”. Old habits die hard, I know. Slow down. Inspect one thought at a time. Check with your inner being, feeling...each thought. Start over, with the training wheels of feeling. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

But what is really going on?

You sneaky. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

How can my mind "blank out"... what is happening there?

A baby born, given food, clothing & shelter - but not love - dies. Do you wait until you’re dying of thirst or hunger to drink or eat? No. Do you wait until it’s running down your leg to go to the bathroom? No.  Do you wait until you’re blanking out to love yourself and let the repeating of thoughts which are in discord with feeling go? Uh...jury’s out. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

It feels sometimes like coming close to the place of "passing out" which I do when I combine pain with thoughts, and resist in my attempt at transcendence.

You’re not combining pain with thoughts. Not possible. It’s a deeper delusion to avoid feeling, which turns out to be the transcendence you’re seeking. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Sometimes with social anxiety I am actually afraid and feel like I will pass out. I'm not afraid of my fear, I feel the need to hide my fear in these situations which magnifies it. 

You don’t have fear - it’s a made up label, like “social anxiety”. Fear doesn’t exist. You believe it does...because you ignore feeling. You’re the one telling the story that you’re living. You’re a free creator...and if you really want to...you can even tell, believe, and create a story about you and your world....with “”fear””. Doesn’t mean it exists. It’s the misunderstanding, of yourself. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 

I want to hide this horribly embarrassing, unforgivable flaw.

No ma’am. You’re flawless. That a belief, to cover the beliefs of the rainbow of anxieties you’ve invented. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

It makes me remember the first time I passed out, in biology class, I got a bad cut when my lab partner pulled a pen with a broken metal clip out of my hand hard and I wanted to hide it, but it was so bad I couldn't and the conflict within me made me pass out. How did I end up making him feel with all this effort to not make him feel bad? 100 times worse. Care killed the cat.

Go directly to pain. Scrutinize it. Don’t avoid it. Woman up already. You’re a powerful creator!!!

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

A fox killed a cat by my house last fall, I suspected and my puppy reminded me of this by digging out bones of cat spine and hind quarters a couple days ago. He look so ridiculous running and playing and flipping around a horrifically dead thing without a care in the world. 

Universe it trying to help you laugh about this. What are you, some kind of adult, grown up? What’s even going on over there?!

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

How do I know I'm even remembering this passing out story correctly? I'm not, it's not possible, but the sensations are the story I'm interested in here. What if the sensations are thoughts themselves? ALWAYS. If a thought is a thought, what is a sensation? A thought! So foxy. 

No! Sensation is sensation. It’s presence! It’s “now”. It’s Being. It’s love! There’s no Mandy!!! That’s a word scribbled on a paper. A meaningless sound. “Mandy’s” not alive! Here’s an insightfully titled video which misses the point. ??? (jk, jk)

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

When else did I pass out? When I got my ears pierced, because I was so conflicted about making a decision to hurt myself for some vain purpose. I didn't want them to get infected so I put peroxide on them so often that they got infected.

When I slammed my finger in the door at my parents house, when my dad had been drinking and there was all kinds of awful stuff going on and I told myself that I had to be functional and responsible and didn't have time to hurt myself. That time I was into consciousness work, and I observed and enjoyed it that time. 

Why does the law of attraction work so quickly on me, it's creepy! I'm SURE it doesn't work so quickly on OTHER people. 

There is no source of bad. What you’re attracting is out-of-synchness...because you have bogus beliefs in your vibration. Appreciate the guidance of pain, and it is utilized properly. The body is an antenna of sensation / intuition. Allow it’s use. Best-friend-it. Maybe do that vagina - mirror thingy or somethin. ??‍♂️

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

In meditation I'm trying

No trying. Let go. Cork floats. “Trying” is sneakery. A narrative. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

to go from thinking to feeling, but in conversation and driving and learning under pressure, I want the opposite! What happens if you try to exclude a part of a whole? Pressure, resistance. 

No! You’re NEVER thinking. Though arises. Effortlessly. Pick on, create, effortlessly. Source got you covered all day. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I am afraid that I'm going to make myself so afraid that I'll pass out. That I'll forget everything I know. Is it possible to resist so much that you give in automatically? 

It’s source saying, “stop this nonsense and come here right now!” Never justify thinking about the future. There’s no future. It’s THIS! Now! It’s right “in front of you”!

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

All of this is due to an illusory doer. No duer. 

“Illusion” is a write off. 

?

 

[mandyjw]

12 hours ago, Nahm said:

“If a thought arises about myself which does not feel good because it is not true....I’ll just still be right!! Wait...that doesn’t even make sense though. I know...I’ll label the feeling as wrong...I’ll call it ‘anxiety’.”  “Yeah, that’ll work...I can invent driving anxiety, city anxiety, etc. I can be “sutpid” even...but atleast I’ll still be right!!” “I can just label my inner being all kinds of ways!! That’ll work!!” “And when a virus starts killing everyone - I’ll thank my inner being for it.” “This all makes perfect sense!!!” 

?

12 hours ago, Nahm said:

A baby born, given food, clothing & shelter - but not love - dies. Do you wait until you’re dying of thirst or hunger to drink or eat? No. Do you wait until it’s running down your leg to go to the bathroom? No.  Do you wait until you’re blanking out to love yourself and let the repeating of thoughts which are in discord with feeling go? Uh...jury’s out. 

12 hours ago, Nahm said:

“Illusion” is a write off. 

?

UGH! 

Just what I needed, thank you.

I have thought lately that I've never studied anything so intensely until now... but it's to forget everything I thought I knew. It's a classic excuse anyway, "I'm uniquely flawed or gifted or both in my capacity to learn". Easier to see in others than oneself. 

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby

This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my AD

Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the

Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my ADD
Blame it

La la la la la, la la la la la ooh
La la la la la, la la la la la ooh

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Sail with me into the dark
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)
Sail with me into the dark (sail)…

 

[Nahm]

@mandyjw Holy shit, yes, Sail. Totally!  If interested, watch this version, with the sound turned all the way down. Watch the process the girl on the left goes through. Very insightful imo. ‘Get’s somewhere’ words & sound can not.

[mandyjw]

@Nahm

You know that feeling of wanting to laugh but being conflicted because you're kind of pissed off because someone isn't acknowledging how profound you are? 

You know the feeling of laughing at something so absolutely ridiculous that you laugh and you cry and suddenly the hilarity and ridiculousness dissolves into something beyond profound? 

Yeah, me neither.

 

[Nahm]

?

[Artaemis]

@mandyjw I love you ♥️

[mandyjw]

@Artaemis I love you too. 

 

I give good advice sometimes. I know what to do, I can write and talk my way into alignment, but... that's the problem. It's not always embodied, not felt. I'm having a lot of ego backlash right now. And not even that. I can drop it if I want, but I choose to indulge. That's part of the resistance, it's not even ego backlash. I can't even have THAT! 

I choose to scare myself, because I refuse to love what scares me. I refuse to look at it. Do I have to? If I do I'll see it's love. Can I pass it off as love in thought? It's love. Love. love. It's all good. And still be scared.

As a spirit, I think only the boldest most courageous spirits would want to come into be a form that's meek, like a sparrow or something. Lions must the biggest pussys of the animal kingdom. Eh, wait that would be humans now wouldn't it? Of course women and girls would be the links to the animal kingdom, and the natural world, more than men. Makes sense.

Stories to assuage the knot in my stomach. This forum is terrifying. The world is terrifying. Am I predator or prey? 

There's no one to prey to anymore. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Question that comes up from suffering.

Do I really want to do this?  

Become conscious of what's actually the case? Feels like I'm dying.

Nope, you know what bliss feels like already. Doesn't feel like that at all. 

Do I really want to do this? 

I do. I do. 

I've had a few little love affairs
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce
I used to think I was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible
'Cause everything is new
And everything is you
And all I've learned has overturned
What can I do

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

 

 

[mandyjw]

Do you KNOW what ego death IS? 

Do you KNOW what ego death is? 

Play with the big boys and you always get kicked the shins. Stay in your place little girl. 

There's no one to prey to anymore. There's no one to pray to anymore. 

I laugh and I cry and I laugh and I cry.