Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed again, my life is full, rich, full of love and wonderful things, but oh my god, when I need to a break or to just be, it's like everything crashes around me. Honestly super jealous of the "me" time I project that others have on this forum. I remember during the awakening how it was like I totally checked out and oh my God, the mess and chaos sometimes and yet... somehow by the grace of God nothing really bad happened out of that.

Maybe I can check out and still do the dishes and get the kids to school on time?  I dunno. 

This book is really helpful with these thoughts and feelings right now. https://www.amazon.com/Rainbow-Way-Cultivating-Creativity-Motherhood/dp/1782790284/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+rainbow+waY&qid=1600212929&sr=8-1

I also feel like I need to do some desire identification, clarification in this area but tonight I feel too scattered. 

Here's Muninn almost all grown up. I got a new office chair and now I hardly get to sit in it because he likes it better. Vizslas are super cat like. They are like dog + cat, squared.

 

[mandyjw]

There's a type of manic pixie girl, disney princessesque happiness and in the vortex, connected with source excitement that once the mind brings in the idea of other, weakness, the weaker gender and threat, turns into what feels like vulnerability and fear. 

I think the mind is extremely dramatic about what might happen to it, when it's really just afraid of being silly and ashamed of itself. 

Ouch!

The LOA marriage book I read suggests just saying "ouch" when your partner says something that hurts rather than retaliating. My husband is almost always really kind, but own mind is real bad mother fucker, so I still needed that marriage advice. 

[mandyjw]

Listening to one of those mysterious free book box tapes.

Women develop a sense of self in relationship through others. 

Insights that make you want to throw up cause you're SO ready for them, but not quite ready. 

[mandyjw]

Everything seems to hinge on allowing what's wanted, and the non reality of what is not wanted feeling awful to focus on, because it's not true and cannot be focused on. It merges right in with acceptance of what is, and the actual nature of what is. I wrote this reply and the depths of understanding this in other areas my life are still filling in. So incredibly thankful for the conversations I have here, which end up being illuminating in so many unexpected ways.

 

[mandyjw]

Sometimes I get excited about posting videos. This one was exiting to make but since then I want to hide under a rock. I have cognitively distanced myself so much I don't even remember what I said really, so here you go, here's some sort of fuckery of some kind. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

This line was some sort of epiphany to me years ago "I'm still fighting for peace". Reminded me of my mother screaming at us "I just want some peace and QUIET!!!" and how funny it was that she yelled that. I think maybe though, I implied meaning that wasn't there.

"You did not break me.

I'm still fighting for peace."

Broke. Broke. The word has come into my awareness so often lately. Broke my reality. Other synchronicity. 

Does this mean I'm a sinner, doing something stupid? Or does it mean I'm living my life purpose? 

Syntax just came into my mind, I can't remember how. sin tax. ? 

I'm still fighting for peace.

I'm still for peace fighting

I'm still

And all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put the peaces back together again. 

Because it never broke. 

[mandyjw]

This book is really awesome. https://www.amazon.com/Outrageous-Openness-Letting-Divine-Take/dp/1476793484

[mandyjw]

 

After weeks and weeks of feeling great, I started feeling really energetically off and uncomfortable a few days ago. This intense sense of loneliness set in. My youtube video terrorized me, I hated myself and could barely stand to see my face or hear my voice. Yesterday I didn't even meditate, and the weird thing about the day was that most of was spent in "the vortex" even though parts were really difficult. I sent @Nahm a message about something unrelated, who I've been sort of pissed at for weeks but known it's all my own shit so said nothing, then that turned into that coming out and flying back in my face, literally in bizarre synchronicity and my smoke screen which fooled even me didn't work.  I've seen him mention that he makes a great punching bag before, I never knew how literally. My daughter reactively punched me hard in the face when I was putting on her swimsuit because I pulled her hair, she's never done that before. My glasses went flying across the room. I went swimming, in very cold water, kids screaming cause one tripped on her own and blamed her brother, storm cloud approaching, I didn't care and felt amazing. I ordered my dog a lion mane for Halloween and it looks like the most hilarious/realistic thing and laughed and laughed and laughed. The later the day went on the more I got confused and felt worse. Yesterday morning, I was doing word play in another thread and wrote. con fuse "The adjective comes from confuse, which has a Latin root, confundere, "mingle together."

Deeper into word origin,

confusion (n.)

c. 1300, confusioun, "overthrow, ruin," from Old French confusion "disorder, confusion, shame" (11c.) and directly from Latin confusionem (nominative confusio) "a mingling, mixing, blending; confusion, disorder," noun of action from past-participle stem of confundere "to pour together," also "to confuse" (see confound).

I cannot express how fucking perfect that is. I realized that I couldn't not confuse, I couldn't rage against my confusion. 

I wanted to let go of my thoughts about Nahm and caring so much what he thinks of me and using my mental construct of him as a standard.

On 9/16/2020 at 0:27 PM, mandyjw said:

Listening to one of those mysterious free book box tapes.

Women develop a sense of self in relationship through others. 

Since then I don't think this applies just women, to be clear. 

Started the Tosha Silver book, and she talked about a book that we have in our house,  that my daughter really likes. "Are you my Mother?" and how the meaning she read into it was that the entire universe is your mother. I had replied in a thread about prayer, then sort of automatically like old days prayed to Jesus to help me let go of Nahm and started laughing and laughing when I was actually praying to Jesus to help me let go of my imagination about someone, and realized that could never ever happen. I had tried to let go of Jesus. Some people you can never have and never get rid of. Ok, all people, real or fictional.

So I went to bed and woke up at about 3AM with a rush of clarity. I can't explain or reiterate it all, but a ton of connections were made about loneliness and inherent disconnection, Jim Newman's pointer about connection being duality. About what a conscience was, and even the con science spelling of it, which is funny because I forgot how to spell it and really struggled spelling it just now. 

"Borrowed from Old French conscience, from Latin conscientia (“knowledge within oneself”), from consciens, present participle of conscire (“to know, to be conscious (of wrong)”), from com- (“together”) + scire (“to know”)."

Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's anything within about my conscience at all. It feels like it's all projected out as caring what people think about me and projecting what i think would please or displease them. And that's what Nahm was pointing to in some of the sessions. That asshole. 

My need for an external God (so that I can be a psychological self) persists and takes on new forms. 

Almost? all my suffering stems from this conscious and unconscious caring what other people think.

And the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, and how that fit into this realization of not caring and disconnection and love being an actuality and how we don't want to accept the beauty of that and instead sort of mentally slave for it. 

Then for some reason I remembered the end of the Blue Lagoon. Random. The scene with the poison berries. And I remembered how innocently and unexpectedly they become parents in that movie, how profound and mysterious it is that babies actually come from nothing, (the undoing of sex education here), and how dangerous the love of parents really is. Poison berries growing on an herbal healers grave, healers who punch you in the face. The cosmic joke.

That was my other pain point, not wanting to be a mother. The exhaustion, the sense of loss of self which is actually a huge identification with self. The sense of requirement to always be loving, sweet, caring and giving that goes beyond my own children and how I see myself from form of an attempt at outside looking in sense of self. 

After this my husband woke up and I said nevermind to him, and the double meaning of nevermind hit me and I laughed and laughed. I tried to explain it to him, "it's like neverland, except nevermind" Then the dark meaning of Peter Pan and the Lost Children came to mind. 

I'm all children who ever were, and all their parents and neither of those things. 

 

 

Edited September 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

I once made up words but had no one to explain this to. Wasn’t concerning really, as days keep happening. 

[mandyjw]

@Nahm  Brilliant. 

[Nahm]

Don’t be a Cameron, tryin to record everything.

[mandyjw]

@Nahm The day may be coming, I know. But really if no one gives a fuck, why not? Some mansplain, others tell stories. Have a Ferrari I can trash? 

[Nahm]

@mandyjw 

Yes. Just go full on reverse. It’ll all work out. Can’t fail. Lol. 

[mandyjw]

GODDAMN IT. The Ferrari is my journal.

Tarot, cards should I really let go of my journal? 

The Hermit.

Fuck.  

[DrewNows]

Why does Love want/need to create stories? The good, bad, and ugly. I forgot to give you this video topic idea, as i'd like to hear what you'd come up with for it.

Your dog looks awesome, ill bet a handful, why do you say feline quality? I had one vizsla I "sat" and all can really recall is she'd been in heat, quite the handful and mess so i was too thrilled to see her go