Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a wild and creepy dream, and it's making me start to wonder if I need to journal privately, but I've never had a good sense of what I shouldn't or shouldn't share online, so here we go. 

If you're reading this without knowing me, long story short, last year a story line about a clairvoyant doctor who lived in the 1800's, reading his book and uncovering the story and finding the remains of his home coinciding with the death of of my grandmother who was born and lived in the same town 3 months before he died, all this served as a thread that wove through my life and helped in opening my mind and breaking my reality as I had previously clung to it and knew it. (it's an entire paragraph in one sentence!)

As you can imagine, it was later difficult to "let go of" the story, so to speak. It's as if the One "I" created a story, (that was true but unbelievable) to break the story (that was true but very believable).  As we let go of beliefs about reality, and open ourselves up to new possibilities, sometimes the mind goes to default mechanism and filters and turns the new possibilities into beliefs, concreteizing (is that a word?) them. When you try to concretize the ephemeral, well... it sinks like a lead balloon. 

Anyway last night, I dreamed that I requested that Dr.P be exhumed. I don't know why but it was like it was already done and I thought "they'll never do that, they can't do that", "I shouldn't have asked for that, why did I want that". So, my "wish" was granted, and gone beyond. "They", (suddenly there was this incredible organization who worked together to make this into a formal event), "they" basically planned a second funeral celebration for him. There were carefully written up histories and it was a big event. And there was Dr.P's body all set up in a casket. No one seemed to notice or care that this was disgusting and disrespectful. My thought upon seeing him was "wow! embalming works REALLY well!" because it was as if he had recently died, not died over 100 years ago. There was something off about his nose and the strangest thing, the symbolic one was that there was this deep crack through the center of his forehead. I felt no love for him or the situation, indifference, slight interest, and a very mild form of horror. 

In the dream I felt as if I had made it happen by a horribly inappropriate ridiculous suggestion which sent everyone around me into making my ill advised wish come true, forgetting it was mine and taking it as their own.

Is the message that it's best to leave some things buried? In consciousness "buried" is just a thought after all. There is no surface, and no below, no above, no below. 

Lately I have been thinking about mystical experiences and strange connections, and how the mind loves to take them and run with them. It does no good to deny them, but they must be carefully handled. It's kind of like sex education for teenagers, if you say too much, that's BAD... if you say too little, that's BAD. 

I've been eating vegan for the past few days, yesterday my mom brought up some baked beans, and I ate some. I realized that she had cooked them with a tiny bit of pork and immediately I felt disgusted. Pork is something I avoid mostly, even when I eat other meat. There was this horrible feeling and I realized that I had turned again meat = anti-spiritual into a belief I felt it was worth suffering for, EVEN though, I have been carefully resisting this by NOT GOING VEGAN in the first place. The one who thinks of himself as vegan doesn't exist. This eating meat/food thing was a them/realization of my awakening and I still don't quite understand. Maybe because I'm still trying to understand? Thoughts and ideals like to grab on to food and diet ideals quicker than...

Oh... I was just trying to think of a clever metaphor and as my mind scanned it thought of "a quick brown fox" and I remembered that after waking up this morning, contemplating the strange dream, a fox ran across my backyard. 

A fox heralded the awakening/discovery of where Dr.P's mansion had been. I rarely see foxes, but I saw one while running by his house, before knowing I was running by his house. It ran out from there Iahead of me, crossed the road and ran off, and it was a beautiful notable event for me to see it. Then, this past summer in the heat I went up on the platform to where his outlook gazebo had been and on the other side, feet from me was the fox looking hot and stressed out. We stared at each other in terror, and thankfully he ran away. The real fear of foxes is not that they are wild animals but that they carry rabies. Then mid summer, it killed a white rabbit (not supposed to be white rabbits midsummer) and left its foot and a path of fur on Dr.P's property. I haven't seen one again, until this morning in my own backyard.

During or right after the awakening, (timelines and such events fail when questioned) I went somewhere that had become a powerful analogy and place of "power" and had an intuition to turn over a rock and it was covered in fossil imprints. I've spent hours looking there before and not found one so nice. It's become quite clear to me that the awakening was only a contrasting event, a glimpse of my true self without veils, and while I knew that logically, I still held this "event" on a pedestal and my mind held me from "it". Yesterday I went back to this place and looked for fossils with my kids.

I ended up on this section of the beach and the rocks were incredibly colored and varied and I started looking at types of rocks I didn't think would be fossils. I started digging, because there was this green rock I really wanted to unearth. Rock after rock, fossil, after fossil, better and more interesting than the previous one, more beautiful and varied rocks, until I was bored with fossils, they had no value to me any longer. I started getting a headache from looking. "Just sit and look over the water." That's what I wanted, but I kept pawing through the rocks out of habit. When I left I felt it made no difference if I looked for them or looked at the water, took them with me or left them there. 

I so adore my meta-fors. 

Like Rupert Spira says about the right attitude to have for the things that we recoil from, resist and avoid, in the same way we should aim to feel about the things that we passionately love and get taken away with, a kind of "loving indifference."

Edited April 25, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I was feeling down and started writing about how it feels like you lose the path, the sense of oneself on a path, because this is "seen through" and time and time again no longer makes sense. Then there's this feeling of groundlessness, which thoughts react to and form an image of oneself being lost which is more delusional than the belief of someone on a path. 

Out on a run today, just after my favorite spot, I had to go around a truck and on the way back I saw all kinds of stickers on it. One was a rabbit with wings and the others a "Not all who wander are lost" quote. 

 

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

And there was Dr.P's body all set up in a casket. No one seemed to notice or care that this was disgusting and disrespectful. My thought upon seeing him was "wow! embalming works REALLY well!" because it was as if he had recently died, not died over 100 years ago. There was something off about his nose and the strangest thing, the symbolic one was that there was this deep crack through the center of his forehead.

 

2 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

[mandyjw]

I'm reading a book by Arin Murphy-Hiscock about self care, am really enjoying it and I wanted to try this out. There are a lot of good journaling suggestions there. 

 At the end of the day list three successes, three things that brought you joy, three things that you are thankful for. 

Three successes: 

When life got challenging this afternoon with the kids and puppy, I stole away and went upstairs to meditate and was fine that it only lasted a few minutes and was refreshed enough that I could invite my daughter in to read a book to her happily

When my daughter started getting into a screaming, barking match with the puppy, because he wanted to eat her unicorn hat, I was able to appreciate her whimsical nature, and appreciate the puppy's crazy instinctual playful nature, rather than purely taking it personally how they were matching together to make my life obnoxious. 

I did my yin yoga routine, and progress is noticeable, even though flexibility is not my real goal for the practice. 

Three things that brought me joy:

Going for a walk and appreciating the wild beautiful energy of this place.

Reading.

My puppy's surprising reaction to a barking dog, completely calm, super alert and almost a natural heel, even though none of that was trained.

Three things that I am thankful for:

The privilege to do this "work" to have the resources available at my fingertips to pull myself back into alignment, the teachers I have access to, the forum, to have a guidance system of feelings and emotion and to understand how it works. It seems like the craziest luck to me to have "discovered" this, that was here all along. 

My crazy household, as crazy as it is, is exactly everything I've ever dreamed, more, than I ever dared dream. 

The smell of a new book. Mmmmmm... 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I've been utilizing my dream board more often, and also after meditating I write out what I want to do, feel and focus on that day in a notebook. 

I finished the first book in this, and am reading "Ask and It is Given". I'm reading four books at once, but this does not seem to be a problem at all so I'm ignoring all programming that wants to tell me otherwise, because reading four books seems to make me read all the more as I pick up what I need at the time. 

When I can't seem to be specific about my intentions, "It is my intent to see that which I want to see" from Abraham Hicks, gets right to the core of it. 

Powerful, powerful, powerful.

The next exercise in the self care book is to write about things that stress you out to identify them.

Last night I got a message from my mother-in-law that brought up all kinds of patterns and feelings. I reframed our relationship much in the same way that I reframed this event last night,

16 hours ago, mandyjw said:

When my daughter started getting into a screaming, barking match with the puppy, because he wanted to eat her unicorn hat, I was able to appreciate her whimsical nature, and appreciate the puppy's crazy instinctual playful nature, rather than purely taking it personally how they were matching together to make my life obnoxious. 

My mother in law and myself are both very similar, we have very strong desires but mismatched world views. And neither of these things are wrong and each is equally loved as a different perspective. But I have to let go of my fear that she can make me unhappy, or that I must act in the way she wants to make her happy. I am not responsible for her happiness, only my own and the more I honor my own happiness and intuition, the better it is for everyone involved. I must also see her with an open heart and see and appreciate the things in her which I wish to embody, which is that she asks for what she wants and boldly grabs for it without a care what other people think. 

I also want to stop second guessing my decisions, and to become more conscious that there is no doer and no perfect one judging me, outside me. 

Something funny happened last night when I was doing my gratitude exercise, it felt like a sort of test. The self care book is printed beautifully and I love the colors and design. I was right about to write this down when my puppy jumped on the desk, spilled my tea all over my desk and the book. The book was ok, but my whole computer was soaked and as I cleaned it up I considered the quote "I don't mind what happens". I shortened the puppy's reach and today noticed that my whole stack of beautifully printed business cards was ruined. I was really sad about this and threw them away reminding myself that "nothing is wasted" and asked myself what's the desire behind it.

Emmm... new business cards? I wrote it down on the dream board, but as I did I thought that what I really want is inspiration and direction for my business, and the current one is something I want to not let die but have an integrative merging sort of death (the only kind there is!) with my passion.

Which brings me back to feeling as if all my passions are integrating, and it seems like some of the smaller more feminine ones, that I considered silly all my life are integral to self care and the "Ask and It Is Given" book, ties everything in so that nothing is insignificant or unworthy. 

I had extreme resistance to starting homeschool work with my son this week, to the point where I felt nauseous, and then his folder didn't get delivered until a day late and I was a day behind and I thought "whew was that law of attraction at play". He has extreme resistance to doing the work, and I had having to constantly remind him, to work on it. He will stall an assignment for hours literally. It's hard to accept that he is mirroring me, and that the unnecessary resistance he is modeling is present in myself. Of course it feels awful to resist his resistance, but I feel responsible for him learning to complete tasks. 

I'm afraid the teacher will think I'm lazy. I'm afraid that he is lazy. 

2 and half hours later, I started this entry, and things devolved, and I ended up smashing and stomping my magnet fridge mail container with such violent fury it hurt it my leg, and going upstairs and crying. I have noticed that life is like this, exactly when you seek to change a pattern, to get to it's root, it explodes in your face. 

Why? Because it's working.

I wrote today that I want to feel "productive, relaxed, and content." 

The tea spilling on the book exactly when I started an exercise to list things I appreciated.

The sink plugging last year right when i discovered the law of attraction and trying to use it as control, having an awakening and then weeks later getting an excavator to fix the sink plumbing and them digging up the antique lightning jar after that morning I listened to "electric love" and thought about the line in the song, lightning in a bottle.  

Seeing that my resistance to my son's resistance, a story about resistance, was JUST resistance, that my doership and his doership was doership and resistance, and shit hits the fan as the body tries to release the tension.

It would be tempting to feel like a failure, like a fucking idiot. That would be a story, a failed self concept to try on. 

Normally I would say this doesn't work, stop reading Ask and It Is Given, the law of attraction doesn't work. You want an unclogged sink, you imagine it and try to will it, and the sink clogs further and stays that way while multiple people fail to fix it for weeks. Then you end up getting everything else you ever asked for and never thought was possible. 

In fact, it's working perfectly, you are getting everything you asked for. The clog in the drain has to come out before water can flow through. Even if you have to dig deep through the earth to get to it. 

Yeeeeees.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes to everything.

There's no exclusion in this universe. 

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Some things get broken and some things stay buried for decades and yet stay perfectly intact. 

On 4/25/2020 at 11:58 AM, mandyjw said:

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

 

[mandyjw]

If there's no doer what's a loss of control? It's a scary and beautifully freeing thought, forgiveness and Self Love itself. 

Also... ohhh fuck. 

Oh... Jesus. Why DOES ANYONE TALK ABOUT IT BEING LOVE???

OR PEACE? OR EQUANIMITY? OR WISDOM?

FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

I couldn't give you any directions that would possibly save you from karma. You just can't exclude anything. Even exclusion. 

*barfy face smiley face* 

OHHH!!! barfing, clearing karma, exclusion is inclusion!!! The seeing of what was irritating you as you re-experience it. 

 

I really want to buy my bobblehead Jesus but I'm afraid the amazon workers will be like "who the fuck needs this in the middle of a pandemic". 

CARE KILLED THE CAT, but BOBBLE HEAD JESUS BROUGHT IT BACK. 

WHY IS THERE NOT A SINGLE VIDEO OF A CAT PLAYING WITH A BOBBLE HEAD JESUS ON THE INTERNET? 

Oh mindfuck of mindfucks. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

There's nothing to lose, there never was. If you find $20 and then the wind blows it away a moment later, you aren't too upset. It came, it went, you lost it in the way someone else did, it's almost poetic. It's almost funny. It is funny. If you lose your own $20 you are upset and more, you blame yourself. 

If your parents buy you your first car and buy everything for you, it doesn't matter much to you if it gets scratched. If you work your ass off for your first car, it matters a lot if it gets scratched. Life is meant to be lived so that the car is appreciated as if you worked for it, but also to have so little concern over it as if it were a gift. 

Like spilling tea over a perfectly beautiful new book you were appreciating. Life is a beautiful mess. 

Shit. I didn't know this existed. 

 

[mandyjw]

God, I love that song and the symbolism in the video.

Three successes: 

Insights today into how anger and "loss of control" is created and the function/desire behind it.

More clarification of what I want and how I want to relate to others. 

Emotional release with minimal blame and story going into.

Three things that brought me joy:

The smell of the woods outside on this beautiful spring day.

The sound of a mourning dove, and the symbolism of them too.

I have a crystal rainbow prism that casts little rainbows all over the walls and ceiling at a certain time of day. 

Three things that I am thankful for:

My mom and how wonderful, smart, nurturing and supportive she is.

My dad and how creative, funny and emotionally intelligent he is. 

My husband and how calm, collected and smart he is. 

 

[mandyjw]

Last night when I was writing about being thankful for my husband, I noticed that there was more resistance than with my parents. I also felt like admiring certain qualities about them was a little tricky in a way, something didn't feel right or true about that. Then, like clockwork of the tea spilling on the book, my husband exploded at our son for procrastinating on his work all day. 

Yesterday when I was talking with my Dad he said that he was fixing a tire for his wood cart and that the tube had to be repaired so he had a kit for that and he opened the sealed metal tube of glue and there was absolutely nothing in it. I thought this was odd and was trying to understand how LOA fit in with the story. He then said that he fixed the tire with something else and pumped it up and the entire thing exploded and hit him the stomach. 

Last night I dreamed that I was with my husband and I took out a metal tube of something and fed it to him. I did this unconsciously as if it was a routine, but after I became conscious that I fed him poison and he was going to die, and I had been doing this routine for ages. Funny, that black widow spiders have a red hourglass shapes on their backs. 

Some of my thoughts are poison, but someone forgot to fill it with any substance that sticks. 

Apparently my gratitude exercise at night is making all hell break lose. I say WE FORGE AHEAD.

Perhaps I'm only becoming more conscious of my desires and the ways I myself block them. 

BTW, Ask and It Is Given, wow. I love Abraham Hicks clips, but the books are allowing me to focus and learn it in a deeper way. Repetition and focus is key. 

[mandyjw]

Three successes: 

Got lots of time to read and lots out of what I read.

Great job with diet, exercise and fitness today.

Intentions and goals for today were achieved for the most part without much effort.

Three things that brought me joy:

The smell of the daffodils my daughter picked.

My seedlings coming up, kale, sage, lavender and brown eyed-susans

Fresh baked vegan oatmeal muffins

Three things that I am thankful for:

 A creative job that I can set my own hours and work when I'm inspired.

My green papasan chair for reading

Beauty everywhere I look

 

[mandyjw]

What's with the, "if I appreciate it, I'll jinx it" or "if I appreciate it and love something about it, I'll be stuck with it this way forever" tendency beliefs? 

Three successes: 

Started an Ask and It IS Given Board on Pinterest.

Much more patience with my son today, good day all in all homeschooling

Great awareness and maintenance of mood today

Three things that brought me joy:

My daughter playing in the rainy mud in her puddle jumper suit with the dog. 

Wearing my labradorite necklace for no reason

Reading the processes in Ask and It Is Given book, just shocked at how much I resonate with them

Three things that I am thankful for:

Time

My kids

the air I breathe

[Raptorsin7]

2 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Reading the processes in Ask and It Is Given book, just shocked at how much I resonate with them

Which of these processes resonated with you?

I've yet to be able to hit the highest tier on the emotional scale using the techniques in the book. It seems like they work well when you already feel great and want to re-kindle the feeling, but for getting to a good feeling place I haven't been able to have success.

[mandyjw]

23 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Which of these processes resonated with you?

I've yet to be able to hit the highest tier on the emotional scale using the techniques in the book. It seems like they work well when you already feel great and want to re-kindle the feeling, but for getting to a good feeling place I haven't been able to have success.

You won't be thinking of measuring and recognizing tiers when you're on the highest tier, so in a way you'll never know.  

I'm almost done the book, but I'd say all of the processes resonated. The only one that didn't was the precise directions for dealing with clutter, but only because I'm a huge fan of Marie Kondo and she has spent her life making a process to deal with your physical "stuff".  

The ones I marked off to go back to are scripting, the book of positive aspects, the creative workshop and the prosperity game. I've listened to Abraham Hicks so much, I'm not sure why I took so long to read the books. So far I've only read The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham and almost through Ask and It Is Given. 

 

[mandyjw]

Today got a little crazy again, I put off watching Leo's latest video all week and watching it activated some feelings I'd been avoiding, but feeling them felt better than the avoidance. Actually, the crazy started right before the video and the video was like the peanut butter in the crazy sandwich. Maybe I'll stop using the word crazy someday and accept all states and phases. Maybe not. 

Three successes: 

Finished Leo's video

Got a couple work projects done

Got my husband to laugh

Three things that brought me joy:

The red buds on an ancient maple tree against the blue sky with the half moon

Bald eagle flew over me on my run

Saw my first kingfisher this year

Three things that I am thankful for:

Spring

yin yoga

my house

 

I've been avoiding the forum too. Come back and there's this. 

"When a man’s meditation is growing, a woman’s love should grow. Only then can they keep pace,
and a higher harmony will arise and it will go on, higher and higher. And a moment comes when
the man is totally in meditation and the woman is totally in love – then only the PERFECT meeting,
then only the real, supreme orgasm between two persons. Not physical, not sexual – total! Two
existences meeting into each other, dissolving. Then the lover becomes the door, the beloved
becomes the door, and they both reach to the one."

The house with no door, where the story takes place. 

I wonder, has anyone ever wrote a true Love story? 

Of course, we're writing it everyday, every way and always forever. 

 

I never finished the painting. But the lack of the door was the scariest thing. Complete and utter darkness within. 

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don't go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep!” ― Rumi

Edited May 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Ask and it is given, and given, and given, and given. 

Today I went grocery shopping, which is weird during a pandemic. My cashier had used a bra cup for a mask and it didn't even cover her nose.  My mom made me a mask out of butterfly quilting fabric and every time I put it on I think of Silence of the Lambs, which I've never seen because I don't watch movies.

On the way out of store I heard someone singing, loudly but well and they proceeded to sing flawlessly across the parking lot and I watched a pair of guys walk across, the guy with the singer never cracked a smile, never looked awkward just kept walking normally. The singer wore a bright red baseball cap. 

Warning, batshit crazy synchronicity processing to follow, that probably sounds even more crazier to someone else who doesn't have the foundational questions and desires and feelings behind it that I am aware of.

 I had to google the lyrics but I should have known. 

Oh, but if you want to win it
There's no speed limit
Just go faster, faster, don't be slow
Rev it up, rev it up 'til your engine blows

Ok, so I just looked up the plot of Silence of the Lambs. Then for some reason (I let my daughter watch my little pony videos on youtube and for SOME reason someone made a song out of this, so I googled the lyrics, cause it's really catchy. 

 

Seriously WTF with the song lyrics? Edgy band, bahahaha. Youtube name "horcurxes" first comment, this reminds me of "Bill Cipher" Bill? Bill from Silence of the Lambs? Creepy synchronicity. Google Bill Cipher, it's a cartoon based on the eye of providence. Which the peer amid thing I got into last winter, remembers avatar, and the song that I was listening to at the same time with all the synchronicity, the red jacket in the video driving all around an empty Las Vegas, I wore my red jacket to get groceries on an impulse last time and wore it again today, the guy singing with the red hat and the car theme of Shania's song...  rev it up, rev it up

Earlier today I went to the river and was thinking about ask and it is given and I saw a white shell thing in the water and imagined that it was something amazing to find, even though it wasn't. A few minute later I found a fossil there, even though I've never found one there. You can see the nautilus shapes in it. I put out another request. I really want to find an arrowhead. I've wanted to find one forever. My friend and I were both obsessed with Native American history when we were kids.  

I went on a hike later and tried to send out requests for inspiration to further write my story. I had one of those annoying impulses to go back and pick up a rock, I did and though it wasn't an arrowhead, it was shaped JUST like one. I had the realization while filming my eye of the storm video that THAT was the place where a scene in the book takes place, where the characters go out on the water on a cliff to watch the lightning. And I touched the pine tree that had been hit and scorched by lightning and looked at all the shells the hawks, bald eagles and other birds had dropped high on the cliff. The weather was so strange, rain came and went, sun streamed through the clouds and I heard it over the water first before it came to reach me. 

I just remembered that I went by the trail yesterday because I picked up Dr.P's book and just felt this connection so strong I held it to my heart and opened it and the slip of paper that fell out of my Grandmothers bible that caused me to FIND that trail in the first place was there. 

One of the things that bothered me the most about the story in my head was the age of the characters. Should they be younger or slightly older? I can't decide. My daughter handed me my phone, she had accidentally clicked on Leo's video, "Advice for Young People" 

I know that there's no duality between fantasy and reality now, so writing the book is digging through the depths of my psyche as well as creating my reality, and reality is creating the story. But there's no one writing it. It's tricky work, not doing any work. What is a distraction from what, really? 

Three successes: 

Experiments in intention and manifestation

Further driving home that I am fucking creating this, so you better take the steering wheel. Jesus, I'm taking the wheel back, every now and then anyway. 

Uhmm youtube music video discovery fuckery? How is that not success?

Three things that brought me joy:

The guy in the red hat singing

The smell of the woods after a rain shower

The puppy asleep under blankets my daughter carefully covers him up with

Three things that I am thankful for:

Music at my finger tips on youtube

Access to information anywhere in the middle of fucking no where, what kind of MIRACLE IS THIS??!!

Inexplicable connection

 

 

Galaxy, galaxy
Won't you be my consolation
I need someone to kiss my hands and my feet
And make me feel complete, oh, yeah
Mysterious universe
I know you're unrehearsed
But I see the light in your hands
You're the man with the plan, oh, yeah

But it feels just like I'm falling all the time
(Falling all the time)

High as a pretty star
Don't you break my faded heart
Don't put me out
Show me what it's all about

What am I writing? What am I creating? Universe, I know that it's as easy to create a button as a castle. Will I send (spend, misspelling but I like the word send here, yes I do) my life in the middle of no where thrilled with shells, rocks, marbles and buttons? Will I write a fantasy novel to entertain myself? Or will I build a pyramid/peer amid maybe? Or a house on a hill with a turret, with a circular balcony around it and a telescope. Mmm... Or a new world order?

I can't decide. 

 

Edited May 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

The past couple nights I've had strange dreams in relationship to men, not relationships as in attraction or romantic ones, just general relationships. The night before last there were gay men and I was conscious of my judgment towards them. I've always subtly felt like gay men hate women, and I suppose that men feel this way about lesbian women too. I used to be really active on an art forum and there was this gay man who everyone adored, he was awesome and funny. But occasionally, he talked about the reason why he was NOT attracted to women and that was some of the most demeaning stuff I've ever read. And these liberal women thought they were open-minded to him because homosexuality is liberal and open-minded, so it was seen as ok for the most part.

This is a stupid story I'm perhaps remembering incorrectly, but I suppose it illustrates the fact that you can love anything and that love is pure, but when you come up with reasons why you don't love the other, well that's not how Source feels. I project judgement onto him for saying women are disgusting, but in reality it's the mechanism in myself that I don't like.

I say that it's his problem he was focusing on what didn't prefer, but I was identifying with the female body so that I could focus on feeling a way I didn't prefer about the female body. Tricky. 

I remember when I was a kid I used to ask my dad which of my stuffed animals or artwork he liked best. And as soon as he picked one I said "well, what's WRONG with the others?!" and eventually he told me why he didn't want to choose, that there wasn't necessarily anything wrong with the others, he just so happened to choose that one. But he strongly modeled this pick and choose and favoritism with his relationship with people. I learned patterns of connecting with people by demeaning others in conversation with them, which later destroyed my relationships and happiness until I saw through it. 

There I go again, it's dad's fault, or gay man's fault, someone else's fault. Men make fantastic scapegoats I guess. I use them to allow me to perpetuate my own inner bitch, but I'm the only one who can't ever get away from her. I've always hated this song but it came to me. I can only love my own inner bitch instead of trying to get away from her. 

Last nights dream was about someone who was watching me go about doing things, and he had this incredibly carefree fun loving attitude and yet he sort of questioned and pointed out things to me that I was doing. I can't remember more than that. I'll intend to remember by dreams more clearly next time. How did I feel though? Good, for the most part. Loved, but also unsure of how I should fit in to the mix of personalities and circumstances. 

I've never been able to interact well with men who are social butterflies, I only like the shy quiet ones because my playful side comes out unbidden and men who are fun make me shy, quiet and cautious in reaction. Living from ego is always a game of unconsciously playing devil's advocate and uncomfortable mirroring situations. 

This from Ask and It Is Given really struck me and I want to quote it here.

"You are an eternal Being always projecting from Non-Physical, and sometimes that projection is into a physical personality. When this physical personality is complete for this time, there there is a withdrawal of focus. It is sort of like: Here you sit, and sometimes you go into a movie, and sometimes you come back out of the movie, but you are always the you that went into the movie, whether you are in the movie or not.

Here is a rule of thumb that will help you; If you believe that something is good, and you do it, it benefits you. If you believe that something is bad, and you do it, it is a very detrimental experience. There is nothing that you can do that is worse for yourself than to do something that you believe is inappropriate, so get clear and happy about whichever choice you make, because it is your contradiction that causes the majority of the contradiction in vibration. 

Make a decision about what you want, focus your attention there, and find the feeling place of it- and you are there instantly. There is no reason for you to suffer or struggle your way to or through anything. "

 

[mandyjw]

Ok, so the first quote from above is in reference to physical death, which I took out of context and yet, this insight I got way back from Eckhart Tolle comes up again, that each goodbye and end of an interaction or conversation is a death... AND a new beginning. 

This the value of setting intentions, yet with complete allowing, holding to nothing. 

[mandyjw]

Learned some new variations toward the end of this video that felt really good.  

[mandyjw]

Love is alive, love is alive, love is alive.

I HATED this episode when it came out.

 

Edited May 5, 2020 by mandyjw