Viking

how do i break out of this loop?

20 posts in this topic

I'm lonely -> I want a girlfriend -> i want a girlfriend too much -> it's harder to get a girlfriend because i want one too much -> I dont have a girlfriend -> i'm lonely

I tried to deal with the loneliness alone for the last 3 years but it just gets worse and worse. The fact is that i'm a human and i need companionship. My current friendships don't satisfy my needs. As much as I don't want it to be that way, I need a woman.

Another thing which makes it hard for me to find a woman is my geographical location, so all I have are dating apps. I've been on them a few months but I didn't get a 'yes' to go on a date yet. I have been close, but I feel like the women just get turned off because of me wanting it too much.

What makes it worse is that I felt like I connected with a few women and got a little taste of what it's like to be with a woman, even though it has been only over text, and the emotions I felt were incredibly strong, which made me desire a woman even more. And not to mention how strong my emotions were when things didn't work out. I never feel such excitement over anything in my daily life, which only downgrades my satisfaction from daily activities. I'm pretty much bored by everything in my life, which increases even further my longing for a woman.

I feel like im digging my own grave, how do i get out?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why are you limited to dating apps? Are there any streets with pedestrians where you live? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

16 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Why are you limited to dating apps? Are there any streets with pedestrians where you live? 

there are no busy streets in my town and the average age is 65.

i tried even walking in malls and places like that but they're almost empty and the people there are aged 40+ with little kids

Edited by Viking

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, that's quite limiting... I suppose moving to a busier location is out of the question?

It sounds like you're in a funk, and therefore if I were you I would move to another place and push my comfort zone. Unless you have something really keeping you there, I obviously don't know your life circumstances.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Ok, that's quite limiting... I suppose moving to a busier location is out of the question?

It sounds like you're in a funk, and therefore if I were you I would move to another place and push my comfort zone. Unless you have something really keeping you there, I obviously don't know your life circumstances.

i am moving to the busiest city in my country in half a year

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that's a good choice, it will be easier when you move there.

In the meantime, a meditation practice should help you deal with the loneliness and the boredom. Just my two cents...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

In the meantime, a meditation practice should help you deal with the loneliness and the boredom. Just my two cents...

thanks, i am trying to set it up again

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i think that youre doing great, youre putting yourself out there, youre realizing that you have strong emotions and want love, i dont see much of an issue, just keep moving

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, Viking said:

I tried to deal with the loneliness alone for the last 3 years but it just gets worse and worse.

Seems like your dealing with it the wrong way.

Are you actually sitting down with this emotion ( loneliness) when it arises, and allowing it to be there, without ANY distractions?

3 hours ago, Viking said:

I've been on them a few months but I didn't get a 'yes' to go on a date yet. I have been close, but I feel like the women just get turned off because of me wanting it too much.

Maybe yes, maybe no. I honestly think you shouldn't go for dating apps, even if that's the only thing you got. Most of the woman on there are approval seekers and they don't really care. Maybe you should go and travel somewhere to meet girls in real life.

Edited by Psyche_92

My journey came to an end. It's all crystal clear now. The "I" that i thought i was ceased to exist. The 5 years of suffering were totally worth it, although i couldn't have done it any differently.

Probably not visiting this forum anymore as of now 5/11/2019.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Viking who and how would you be if you already had a girlfriend? What would your behavior look like? How would your confidence be? The neediness will not help you but don't beat yourself up about it, let the neediness come and go, then act like someone who loves themselves would. You might find this helpful to reflect on your values/needs

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Rilles said:

i think that youre doing great, youre putting yourself out there, youre realizing that you have strong emotions and want love, i dont see much of an issue, just keep moving

i think you're right and im just disappointed by my lack of results and start to get desperate. so maybe what i gotta do is keep on going patiently.

29 minutes ago, Psyche_92 said:

Seems like your dealing with it the wrong way.

Are you actually sitting down with this emotion ( loneliness) when it arises, and allowing it to be there, without ANY distractions?

that is all ive been doing. i even went on a 10 day goenka vipassana retreat. ive also been meditating daily and been aware of my emotions, and sitting down to observe them when they come. the thing is they wont stop coming and i keep suffering. also its not only about the emotions, but also about the lack of excitement and meaning and desire for it in my life.

32 minutes ago, Psyche_92 said:

Maybe you should go and travel somewhere to meet girls in real life.

i do have a few months where i can travel, but i dont know where to travel and what activities to do to meet girls. also regarding the dating apps, maybe youre right but i did meet a few women which genuinely seemed to want something beyond attention.

27 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

then act like someone who loves themselves would.

thanks for the advice, i think that this is what ive been doing, but unconsciously. ill try to do it while being aware of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Vippasana should help you. It removes cyclical compulsions like the one you have now. Just not in one day maybe. 20min is enough. I've tried it, it works.  Just be sure to close your sessions with 5min loving meditation, It's important. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Vippasana should help you. It removes cyclical compulsions like the one you have now. Just not in one day maybe. 20min is enough. I've tried it, it works.  Just be sure to close your sessions with 5min loving meditation, It's important. 

im currently doing anapana, so youre saying to change to body scans?

also why is it important to do loving meditation? i find it quite annoying and unproductive/forceful.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Viking said:

i am moving to the busiest city in my country in half a year

Great. You just need to expose yourself to more girls, so you have a better chance to succeed. Can you write every girl in your city online 'Hi'? Or find a place with a lot of women, like dancing courses. Or find a man friend who has a big women circle of friends (maybe go to gym or I don't know where you can find a man friend). First step - take responsibility on yourself and do not give up no matter what. If you really want it you'll find a girlfriend. Good luck. 


Love is understanding that we share the one essence.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

16 minutes ago, Viking said:

also why is it important to do loving meditation? i find it quite annoying and unproductive/forceful.

Because it creates pleasent sensations through the body. I remember you sayed that vippasana meditation used to create a lot of suffering for you. It's because you didn't close it with love meditation. It's important to do it to avoid that. 

16 minutes ago, Viking said:

im currently doing anapana, so youre saying to change to body scans?

Is this watching the sensations caused by the breath? 

It's a good practice but if you want to brake the compulsive cycles better shift to body scan. It's made exacly for this purpose. 

 

 

Edited by Salvijus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing is, having a woman won't magically solve all those problems. Fundamentally you will still be needy, unable to be happy on your own, and with nothing else going on in your life. You need to work on yourself first and be happy on your own. 

Moving to a bigger city is already a good step. You want to build as many reference experiences with women as possible. Cold approach, online dating, social events etc, lots of ref experience makes you better and it creates abundance. Even if it takes months and years to get to a place where you feel abundance, enjoy the process and be grateful for any results that come your way. Take note of all the good ones and visualize them over and over. Break down interactions and see where you went wrong. You can improve a lot if you focus on it consistently and follow your intuition. 

But at the same time, you have to work massively on your life. Life purpose, consciousness work, nutrition, money etc. So that you are happy no matter what. Also read Models by Mark Manson. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

The thing is, having a woman won't magically solve all those problems. Fundamentally you will still be needy, unable to be happy on your own, and with nothing else going on in your life. You need to work on yourself first and be happy on your own. 

tbh i dont know how to do that. i work on myself all the time, i journal, meditate, read books, nothing helped with the neediness yet. i dont think it's possible to be happy on my own, unless i distract myself with work or get enlightened or whatever, i think that's a fantasy spiritual people have and that takes decades of work. human contact is a basic human need. i cant wait decades to be happy "on my own" and then find a woman.

1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

Take note of all the good ones and visualize them over and over. Break down interactions and see where you went wrong. You can improve a lot if you focus on it consistently and follow your intuition. 

thanks for the reminder :) 

1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

 Also read Models by Mark Manson. 

ill check it out, thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, Viking said:

tbh i dont know how to do that. i work on myself all the time, i journal, meditate, read books, nothing helped with the neediness yet. i dont think it's possible to be happy on my own, unless i distract myself with work or get enlightened or whatever, i think that's a fantasy spiritual people have and that takes decades of work. human contact is a basic human need. i cant wait decades to be happy "on my own" and then find a woman.

No yeah I didn't mean that you have to be happy without seeing another human ever again. You work on yourself but at the same time you also interact with girls regularly so you have ref experiences and you know you have options and things you can do to meet girls. You just have to let go of that loser mentality, and that's a mix of previous inner work combined with actual outer ref experiences, find a balance between the two and make them reinforce each other. 

I think that scarcity mentality is also about simply expressing yourself with girls in general. Focus on interacting with girls even as friends, even a 20 minute friendly conversation can do a lot to change how you see yourself. Once you can interact with girls comfortably as friends, then the sexual component comes on its own if there's mutual attraction. Escalating is easy. The big part is being comfortable around girls in general. Last time I escalated physically, I literally punched the girl in the face, not an actual punch more like a fake one you would do to a friend, a minute later we were making out. Once you start seeing girls as normal human beings like you, not this big thing that you have to conquer, but just people like any of your other friends, to hang out and have fun conversations with, you will start seeing things more naturally and you will be a lot less obsessed about it. 

Once you have a few good experiences and you scratch that itch, you will be able to focus on other things much more easily, and you'll be much more comfortable being on your own and focused primarily on your life, your LP etc, because you know in the back of your mind you can meet girls if you want. But you'll also quickly realize that girls can never satisfy you, what is really fulfilling is stuff like LP and consciousness work. Girls, friends, relationships and everything else are like the cherry on top. 

Edit: just to make sure this post doesn't come off as bragging or anything, I've been in total scarcity and frustration for years too before I got better, so I know how you feel, that's why I wrote this post. 

Edited by see_on_see

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

Once you have a few good experiences and you scratch that itch, you will be able to focus on other things much more easily, and you'll be much more comfortable being on your own and focused primarily on your life, your LP etc, because you know in the back of your mind you can meet girls if you want. But you'll also quickly realize that girls can never satisfy you, what is really fulfilling is stuff like LP and consciousness work. Girls, friends, relationships and everything else are like the cherry on top. 

Yeah, that's exactly why im doing all of this stuff. In the past I tried to go straight to the LP and consciousness work, thinking i dont need relationships but i noticed that i dont have any desire for LP and spiritual work, its just something i did because i knew that would make me happy and in a sense "what i had to do". What i really desired was relationships. now im wiser and im moving up there slowly.

1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

No yeah I didn't mean that you have to be happy without seeing another human ever again. You work on yourself but at the same time you also interact with girls regularly so you have ref experiences and you know you have options and things you can do to meet girls. You just have to let go of that loser mentality, and that's a mix of previous inner work combined with actual outer ref experiences, find a balance between the two and make them reinforce each other. 

That is what i plan to do :) 

1 hour ago, see_on_see said:

I think that scarcity mentality is also about simply expressing yourself with girls in general. Focus on interacting with girls even as friends, even a 20 minute friendly conversation can do a lot to change how you see yourself. Once you can interact with girls comfortably as friends, then the sexual component comes on its own if there's mutual attraction. Escalating is easy. The big part is being comfortable around girls in general. Last time I escalated physically, I literally punched the girl in the face, not an actual punch more like a fake one you would do to a friend, a minute later we were making out. Once you start seeing girls as normal human beings like you, not this big thing that you have to conquer, but just people like any of your other friends, to hang out and have fun conversations with, you will start seeing things more naturally and you will be a lot less obsessed about it. 

Ok so until now, i haven't talked to girls much, right. but i also haven't talked to men much either. I didn't know where to find people who are open to talk, they are always either busy or on their phone. The main social life i had is within closed inner social circles in my faculty, and i study physics, so not many girls there, though i did happen to talk to girls sometimes, and i don't have much problem with talking to them actually, it's just that it rarely happens. That social interaction with men was pretty limited too though, my "friends" were mostly busy, and so were I.

I actually went out of my way to try and meet new people, like in classes, or in meetup.com, but all pretty futile. In classes you cant talk during the class and people run off to their next plans right after the class ends, and in meetup.com there wasn't much going on. in between lectures sometimes I tried to talk to people which were not from my faculty but they all already had their "group" so i wasnt able to join their conversation because they talked about things i didnt know anything about. 

I didnt have any consistent way to have conversations with people. most of it was in short bursts, during parties or stuff like that that were once every few weeks or months.

All that was until now. In a few weeks im finishing my studies so all that is over. What i do have though, is about 4 months until I move to the bigger city, and I want to spend that time fruitfully, but I have no idea what places I could travel to in order to meet and talk to girls or people in general, because as I said, most people I see are busy or in their phones. Most people i ask just say "just go somewhere, do something" but i have no idea what to do. There seems to be nothing to do. 

Some suggestions would be very cool.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I dunno man, I don't know how it is where you live. But I live in a relatively small city too, and what I can say is that for years I couldn't see the abundance that I see now after trying to do things I thought were crazy or impossible, slowly changing my mind on things etc. Most girls I talk to are still from cold approach but I'm slowly transitioning more towards social circle.

I still think cold approach is great and a must, but once you have enough experience with it you can start merging it with more "normal" social circle situations. It can actually get pretty powerful because you use the power of cold approach together with the social validation of more "normal" contexts. Nowadays I take it more spontaneously, I go to more events and I don't spend as much time out to approach on purpose, I do it more as I'm going about my life, it's more organic. I got used to talking to many different people in different contexts and I don't even think much about it, I just flow through it and it's actually a lot more fun this way, I have less preconceived notions about where to go, what's the right context, who to talk to, and I meet a lot of people randomly as I go around by myself. 

I'd say try to do cold approach anywhere you can, regardless of how out of context or weird it seems. Then try to go to events with your existing social circle, try to build on it. I used to avoid my old social circle because I thought I would never meet girls through them, but in reality the problem was that I couldn't get myself to approach in social circle settings (when in fact things can be a lot in your favor when the girl has seen you talk to other people before, and you're not just some random dude in the street). You just have to know how to do it, have your mind open to it and be able to handle it. You can still fail but you have to be ok with that, ultimately it doesn't matter. You'll always have some people thinking you're weird if you try to push social boundaries, so the only thing you can do is stop caring, if you show up and make yourself vulnerable enough times and you are authentic eventually some people will see you. 

Get creative, try new things, build on them, open your mind to new possibilities. I can assure you that unless you live in the desert, if I can manage to do something in the city where I live, you can do too. And if you move to a bigger area in the next few months, even better. After all the practice here I know that if I moved to a big city I would easily have way more than I could possibly handle with no effort. Over time that's where you get. 

Edited by see_on_see

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now