flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

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A Week Of Success

How to describe how I'm feeling...

I'm walking around chest forward, shoulders wide, chin up. Relaxed and ready to face anything head-on.

I feel exhausted but deeply content. Healed. Confirmed. Slightly arrogant.

 

The meeting went well.

Yesterday my team expressed their lack of faith in my bold decisions. I took away some stuff that they cared about, and now it was all ruined. They were even afraid to lose the customer, and therefore did not dare to show my work. I let them cry it out.

It was quite hard not to cave, admit mistakes, and apologize. But I merely said: "I do not share your concerns. I'm not worried. At all. I'm sorry to hear that this is how you feel. But I believe that fear is rarely a good adviser. If you don't want to do the demo, I will do it. If you don't know how to explain this to the customer, I will handle it. " Upon more expressions of doubt, I said: "Wait and see then. Pay close attention."

I never had even met this fucking customer.

All I was going off of, was this hunch that I had, that my coworkers actually don't know how to present well, how to handle customer objections, how to make the customer feel heard.

I simply suspected, based on anecdotes, that they simply were handling these meetings poorly.

I was right.

I walked to the front. Calm and collected. Clicked on a few buttons. Showed what I made and explained why I made it so. Explained that I understood they had a hard job and we aimed to make it as easy as possible.

Now this customer is the kind of guy that has a permanent scowl on his face, because he has too many responsibilities and too little agency in an inflexible organisation, his body literally visually trembling with built-up stress and frustration.

This is just my reading. Maybe he has some sort of nerve disease, I don't know. But he was definitely trembling and mean-looking.

And his face lit up, and he smiled.

Remarked enthusiastically that this was a lot better than they had seen last time (which my coworkers had said was better!), and finally we were getting somewhere. He was seeing the possibilities.

 

I could not believe my luck. This, to me, is just the ultimate confirmation that making bold decisions pays off, if your heart is in the right place. If you do what you think is right, in the face of derision and adversity, later people will thank you for it.

And I knew that, but I didn't have much practice actually doing that.

I'm doing things at work lately that make me wonder at night whether I am going to lose customers and/or my job.

But I'm trusting my own judgment over others'. For the first time, with something at stake.

 

The rest of the meeting was just me making the customer feel listened to, making him feel important, and taking copious notes of what was important to him. All the while cringing at the stupid, IDIOT mistakes my two colleagues were making:

  • Interrupting the customer ALL THE TIME. He was trying to give his view. We were there to hear it. And my manager guy keeps interrupting him with questions like an ADHD kid.
  • Not repeating what he said, and missing opportunities to show that we understand.
  • Saying that their jargon is wrong, and trying to force him to use the terminology that we're familiar with
  • Making stupid remarks that imply that his job is easy/should be simple. Ignoring his explanations about his hard work.
  • Forcing him into our frame, instead of building onto his.
  • Talking about subjects that he clearly doesn't like and make him feel negative
  • Just when the conversation is going in a positive direction, start talking about problems
  • Arguing over details. Or semantics. Arguing at all!

I cringed so many times man... These people don't know anything about sales, they can't be decent to customers, they don't know how to come correct.

One of my team members (in his fifties at least) can't even sit up straight, and started leaning his head on his arm with this intensely bored expression on his face.

This was the same guy who had had so many complaints, and whom I had to tell to not fear and leave it to me.

Later, I heard that his evaluation of the meeting was that "he hadn't heard anything new".

What. The fuck.

 

Anyway. I was right. The customer seemed excited to make the acquantance of a software guy who seems to actually give a fuck about his needs.

And I need to be around more professional people than this bunch of dipshits. Or at least have the power to choose who I go to meetings with.

 

It's interesting to find that when you give up on approval from others, others come and seek it from you.

The other guy who was so disgruntled about me deleting his code, actually came to show me very proudly that he had made it in a better way.

And it's actually better now! The project is on track, and a better track than it was before.

All is well that ends well.

 

This arrogant rant has gone on for long enough now. If you actually read it, I am sorry and will surely offer you a beer.

 


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Beautiful!

 


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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On 3-6-2019 at 4:14 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Good honest, objective self observation!

I used the 3 minute rule a lot in the first few days in quitting smoking. Primarily when a strong craving to smoke came about to not look beyond the next three minutes and to just stay with the breath for the next 60 seconds x3. Not to get overwhelmed by looking into the future and also knowing that life can be experienced again one day with zero craving for nicotine. Craving subsides. 

@Zigzag Idiot Again thank you for supporting me there, a little message meant a lot. I'm almost on day 80 now, and am ascribing a great deal of that success to the support of the community, offline as well as online.


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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On 17-6-2019 at 9:48 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

i had some chronic sinus infection a few years ago that would move around from head to ear to throat. I eventually got rid of it.

The cannabis you smoked might have been a mixed strain with a greater percentage of sativa and not good for relaxing and calming. That would add to your tension and paranoid feeling.

I hope your able to get some decent sleep at night for the time being. That means a lot. And belly breaths,,,with letting go of repetitive thoughts,,,,

@Zigzag Idiot Yeah, that actually sounds pretty similar to my symptoms. Seems to move around both ears and makes random lymph nodes swell up. I recently had yet another episode of being pretty convinced that I was going to die soon for a few days, until I had the doctor draw my blood and reassure me. It's really kind of pathetic the sorts of compulsive thoughts I have in such moments, basically imagining saying goodbye to family at my deathbed, many times a day, and with every action I plan, wondering if it will be my last. So melodramatic... and unnecessary for a person in good health! Feels quite ungrateful, but I try to not judge it too much. I'm fine now. Thank you for sharing your related experience.

On the cannabis: I have yet to find a strain that relaxes and calms me! Literally every time I use cannabis, there is an unstable/anxious/worried component to the experience, and I feel restricted in my breathing. I do manage to enjoy it despite that, sometimes.


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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I'm glad that some of what I wrote may have been a help. 

I respect your Journaling bits about everything. The good and bad and things in between. Besides helping your own integration, it helps others deal with their shadow elements. Thank you for sharing.

 


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

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On 26-6-2019 at 5:35 PM, LoveandPurpose said:

Appreciating your honesty! Although what you did wasn't acted out with the best intention, I think your reaction and your thoughts on it really show your character. Everyone gets overtaken by his animalistic nature sometimes, so even though learning from this experience is important, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. We make mistakes to know what we won't do in the future anymore.

@LoveandPurpose I appreciate your forgiving comment here! Sometimes seeing an ugly part of our behaviour up close can be quite jarring. I do think that by talking it through with her, this particular trigger has lost a lot of its power. But who knows.

Thank you for reading!


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Saying Goodbye To My Old Self

Today I had set out to do a seemingly simple, overdue cleanup: deleting/archiving my old WhatsApp conversations. (WhatsApp is what everyone uses for texting in the Netherlands)

It seemed simple enough. Yesterday I processed 635 overdue emails without a problem. But this... I encountered so many conversations that reminded me of situations and memories. I couldn't resist reading them, and I even started a bunch of "Hey how are you, we haven't spoken in 2 years but I came across you while cleaning up ha ha so how've you been" conversations.

And 'a bunch' is between 5 and 10.

Additionally, I found myself creating a whole bunch of new contacts for numbers I didn't have in my phone anymore, but used to have whatsapp conversations with. I just could not let go.

Are these people important to me? Not really. Am I important to them? Doubtful.

But I can't just not add their number anymore... What if I'm in town someday and want to hang out...

It's easy throwing papers and emails away, but these contacts and conversations represent people! How the hell am I supposed to cold-heartedly throw people away?!

This is where it dawned on me what the thread I was pulling was actually attached to. Facing the death of my past self.

After going through a bunch of them, my 'head' is filled with memories, feelings, hopes and dreams from the past. Even old negative self talk and insecurity is coming back to say hello. I really am feeling quite melancholic and down at this point. Also a bit ungrounded, not being that sure of who I am. Even feel like smoking, because I used to feel like this a lot and use smoking to cover up that ungrounded feeling. Weirdly, that used to be a part of my identity.

All this is going on while the whole city is literally vibrating from noise - the dng-tss-dng-tss-dng-tss of a loud techno festival that is going on every year.

This is the first year since I knew about that festival that I'm not going. And it's weird. It used to be part of my identity that I went to festivals like that. I needed that to feel like I was living a good life, to tell myself and others that my life was fun and interesting and not boring at all (faithfully proving my 13 year old cyber bully wrong)

It used to be that I got anxious if I had no one to go with. I even made a point of going by myself, to prove to myself that I could meet new people and make friends, and didn't need anyone and there was nothing wrong with me.

 

This year, I planned to go but especially in the last months it has become clear that it just doesn't make sense for me anymore. Why put my body through half a week of no sleep, drugs, loud music at all hours and stressors of all kinds, after which I would need at least a week to recuperate, being totally out of my routine, JUST when I was getting my shit together and actually executing on what I believe to be a part of my life purpose?

It just doesn't make sense for me to do that.

And with that, obviously the part of me that needs to be a cool festivalperson is freaking the f*ck out. Am I suddenly a boring person? Am I pathetic? Am I seriously uncool, or lonely, or just have no one to go with? Have I given up on life?

 

None of the above. I'm just moving to a new value system.

My old value system said that having as many cool, interesting experiences as possible was important. Being at cool raves was important. Being a person in a certain scene was important. And somehow it would lead to more sex (it literally never did for me)

My new value system says that focus is important. Keeping my life simple. Essentialism. Hard work. Discipline. Routine. Efficiency. Sacrificing for a greater goal. All that stuff. Where does trying to be cool doing drugs at a festival and not sleeping for 3 days fit in?

 

Hearing the music of the rave I decided not to be at, combined with re-reading conversations with people I will never contact again, did get to me. I almost-cried a couple times on the bus. And I miss that worry-free version of myself, even though he was clueless in so many ways. His sheer desperation did make him have more adventures than I'm currently having.

The way I see it, it's okay to grieve a bit for worry-free times. But those times were the fake kind of worry-free, because I was simply postponing the difficult problem of starting a business until 'later'.

Later is here. I'm now in the phase where I can fight for an actually worry-free future. For real this time.

 


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Ordered Groceries Online

A small step for Flowboy, yet a big step for time efficiency. It cost 8,50 to have them delivered. However, the way I see it:

- I normally buy groceries for lunch in the morning before work, which can take 15-30 minutes

- I then would buy groceries again after work, for dinner, which can take 30-45 minutes easily

This is a dumb and inefficient process that costs me an hour a day.

Planning my meals for four days ahead saved me 4 hours, if I did it correctly. Multiplying that by the hourly rate I currently earn, I already saved more in time than the cost of the groceries including delivery.

 


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Even though I felt tired and achy all day, I still managed to spend 3.5 hours on my project after work!


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Posted (edited)

Current Morning Routine

  1. Grumpily walk to phone to shut alarm off
  2. Crawl back to bed clutching the phone like it's My Preciousss
  3. Scroll through instagram for 15 minutes. Resist urge to fap
  4. Get up again and brush my teeth. Use floss. Wearing wireless headphones, listening to some inspiring shit. Cause I need that motivation to floss.
  5. Drag self to gym
  6. Drag body through workout. Try not to stare at hawt girls
  7. Shower hopefully

It's a work in progress xD

Edited by flowboy

** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Posted (edited)

Sexual Frustration

Since I decided that I can not pursue financial independence at the same time as I'm pursuing going out a lot and becoming a massive player, I feel the same sexual frustration every time I see a hot girl. The same frustration I have felt ever since my balls dropped, added with the guilt and negative self talk of "I can teach myself to break through this fear. I should just go meet a hot girl if I want to so bad. Just do it bro, why pussy out" that started when I found out about RSD and stuff. And now... I don't even know what I should do in such situations. Talk to her? Would be a huge adrenaline rush and therefore distraction, and will definitely make me late for things. I'm usually on my way something, and almost never feel like I have a half hour to spare to talk to strangers. Then again, that might be an excuse I hide behind.

And what's the goal? Set a date? When? I basically am using all my free evenings to work on my project. Well that's a lie. But ideally, I am.

And that's not all. I don't just want to date a hot girl (I am dating a hot girl), I want to date lots of them, and go out a lot, and have lots of friends and throw crazy parties with them, and have sex orgies with all these hot girls that I would meet... basically go full bilzerian.

That's right. That's what I want. Part of it, at least. And part of me. I just don't know how to reconcile that part with my goals right now.

 

And I kind of pity myself because ever since my dramatic social failures in school, I have dreamt of being popular and well liked by girls and all the sex that comes with that. And now I feel like I am developed enough that if I were to direct all my energy into being a full on manwhore party animal, that I could actually achieve that dream and have that experience.

And now I'm not allowing myself that, because I want to work on all this grown-up stuff...

Or am I using the grown up stuff as an excuse? I don't even know anymore man...

Flowboy is confused.

Edited by flowboy

** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Hot Date And Thoughts

So I met up with this scientist girl, who I matched with on the apps. I actually felt way too tired/work-obsessed to be social, but luckily she also was in a work mindset still, so we could relate and relax together. Played some pool, did some dancing, kissed a little. I got really excited. She feels very soft and feminine, she has that quality of energy that I like and turns me on. It creates this nice polarity with mine. I found myself fantasizing about her being my girlfriend while I was brushing my teeth.

And after getting home, I still worked on my project a tiny bit. I'm really proud of that. The Flowboy that is looking to get distracted with women for as long as possible, is dead. I have a mission.

 

This morning at the gym, again I saw this girl who looks so perfect that it just freaks out my whole system. And same thing happens: I know I don't have the balls to talk to her at this time, so I just try not to stare and focus on myself. And I'm there just for myself anyway, to focus on my own workout, blah blah.

Then I see this smooth dude strike up a conversation with her. She laughs and plays with her hair.

There is jealousy. It stings. It hurts in just the right way. I up the weight and do another set.

Then it hits me how weird it is: when I'm on a date with a girl, I don't freak out, I feel pretty secure, I can just be myself, and if there is some connection it usually goes well.

This is not about the girl at all. Or about the sexual aspect. There's nothing particularly wrong with how I relate to girls.

I'm just not in the habit of talking to strangers.

And when I see a random dude, I don't care about that. But when I see a hot girl, it stings, because I see all the possibilities.

But it's not the talking to the hot girl. It's just the striking up conversations for no reason. That's the part that's missing. The sexual aspect is fine, I can take that out of the equation.

So my hypothesis is: if I could just learn to connect to people for no particular reason, as a habit, then it will all work itself out, and I don't have to suffer every time I see an attractive person anymore.

Probably the non-goal oriented part is what I should work on. I have no problem going up to strangers for a reason. But with strangers there is usually no reason. And then I try to talk to girls I see on the street, and it's weird, because it's for no reason except that I'd like to connect, and that's not normal for me so it feels weird and probably comes off inauthentic, plus it's kind of a lie because I'm only doing it because I'm horny and I'm forcing myself. Not very fertile ground for spontaneous connection.

I know what I have to do.

I will discuss this with the Men's group tonight.


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Bringing Meditation Back

It's been roughly a a month of brushing my teeth like an adult, two months of making daily schedules, 3 months of not smoking, and 4 months of making weekly schedules.

Now that I have these basic survival habits implemented, I feel like it's the right time to bring the daily meditation habit back.

I will do 20 minutes a day.

 

And additionally I will twice a week find a lull in my busy schedule to try and talk to a stranger, simply for the connection itself.

Which I kind of just did :)

Amazing when you set your mind to something and it just starts happening.


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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Sleeping over at someone else's house means not having time to work out in the morning.

Even bringing everything you need. It still disrupts your routine. It's time I were less reckless with my schedule.

I like working out 6 days a week.


** flowMAN ** Habits: { Making Weekly Schedules 4/19/19; Not Smoking 5/24/19; Scheduling Next Day 6/24/19; Better Teeth Cleaning 7/20/19; Meditation 8/17/19; Connecting For Its Own Sake 8/17/19 }

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