Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

The chaos aspect of dating is getting to me a bit.

• Hot girl that I connected with on every level, made out, was super down after the first date, randomly decided to ghost me. I was really getting my hopes up. (Maybe she made a deal with her friend?)
• Woman who I had set up an explicit sex date with (it was her being so open with those desires) cancelled on the same day, for the second time. I decided to tell her off. In hindsight, that was not necessary, could have just ignored. It was the sign of "it getting to me"
• Unattractive girl who I gave a chance anyway because her personality is fun, flat-out rejected me because I wasn't gentlemanly enough to walk her to the door/bus stop. Well I stand by that, I had stuff to do. But still. I thought it went really well.
• Extremely hot girl who I exchanged numbers with, clearly has a low opinion of me and is now mocking me for pursuing her
• My regular managed to cancel-and-postpone a date 4 times on the same day. Clearly losing respect for me, or testing.
• Extremely hot girl who I had a very solid dinner date and makeout with, responded nicely (although late) to my messages, never had time to meet up and now flat-out told me that she's not looking to date and not to get any ideas.
• Just many other girls who I had high hopes of randomly stopped responding.
• Some got offended/turned off by a vulgar joke that I thought was very funny at the time

So I realize all this is part of it, and the more I can appreciate that and let go, the better things will be.

But yes, it's a roller coaster. Constant getting my hopes up, thinking I have it in the bag and it's going to happen, then getting those hopes crushed.

I'm learning... that you never know what's going to happen. A great time and great connection afterwards doesn't mean you'll see or hear from the person a week later, apparently.

I know I'm sounding a bit like I'm complaining. I'm not in full self-pity mode: actually I'm happy that I'm learning. Just venting a bit about the unexpected harshness of the reality of dating

[flowboy]

I was going to write all sorts of negative sounding musings here, but then I realised that they don't matter. Let's just say that I stopped meditating and I'm looking forward to starting again.

What Went Well

I had someone over who ordered a delicious looking and smelling pizza and ate the whole thing in front of me, and I didn't have one bite. Just a loose piece of pineapple.

She also drank 3 beers in front of me, and kept offering because she had picked it out just for me! A month ago I wouldn't have been able to say no to that. This time it was quite effortless. I had one very tiny sip, just to taste it.

I bought a sleeping mask as part of my continuous efforts to improve my sleep. I feel like it helped a bit.

Got up at                           : 9:00
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 0
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 25
Total infield time                  : 12h20
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 80
    alcohol                         : 15
    caffeine except tea             : 17
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 28
    sugar                           : 18
    dairy                           : 34
    peak orgasm                     : 0
    porn                            : 37

 

Edited April 2, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

The Universe is joking with me a bit, and I can kind of see the humor. My door handle broke. It took 5 (!) attempts to lock my bike. My regular girl is becoming doubtful and flaky. The girl who I was looking forward to seeing the most, and who I thought was very solid, cancelled permanently for mental health reasons.

Universe: Do you get it yet?!

Me: "I think so...? Ha, ha." *stealthily wipes tears*

The ego-mind has once again found something to attach itself to. The having girls around thing seemed permanent, so the ego said: "MINE!!" and slapped a label on it with its name. And it started protecting it. Stressing about keeping this new status quo.

But I'm still here. There is some sadness, some anger, some frustration. Some relief.

Monday was also weird. Universe was like: "You think you're good with girls now? Here, have a night of falling totally into someone's frame, being milked for validation and having your balls handed to you."

Alright, I get it!! Nothing is mine, about me, or because of me. There are no good and bad events. And the ones I happen to like exist by the grace of the Universe. No use building an ego around them because they can be ripped away at any time.

I've been a fucking narcissist.

And I've lost my sense of humor, I noticed. Too busy stressing about girls flaking me.

Better RELAX

[flowboy]

I'll be happy when...

Good enough when...

* all my habits are implemented? When did I decide that to be good enough I had to be organized, meditating daily, everything...

I'm still adding to the pile of requirements. I don't feel entitled to have fun or enjoy myself, now that I'm not doing my morning routine.

How can I do things like meditate daily, without feeling like I'm not good enough when I "fail"?

It would require another kind of motivation, besides the neurotic one (I should).

How do I tap into that though?

 

I just remembered that I have a whole document with my overarching vision, and detailed reasons for all the habits and goals. I remember being much more intrinsically motivated when I was editing that document daily.

Ironically, it's a habit. Better add that back in to the morning stack.

Lesson learned: being motivated is continuous work. If I stop that work, only the neurotic motivation (guilt) remains.

Another thought: is there a way I could work on my own project every day? To feel more aligned with that project as a main goal, throughout the week?

 

"Don't let the burden of yesterday's learning affect today. You can start a fire once, from scratch, and maybe get lucky, and then maybe not be able to start it for the next four times. What are you going to do, think that you've lost all hope? No, you just keep trying to make fires, and eventually you get better!"

- Aubrey Marcus

Edited April 4, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

So I've been pushing too hard and overcomplicating my life, wanting to do way too many things at a time (as is my nature).

And now I'm in this state of constantly feeling guilty. And that in itself is interesting.

Because really, all these things like strict daily meditation, yoga and workouts are nice-to-haves.

I believe in the immense benefits of them, and am only selecting habit goals that I truly believe in.

But I shouldn't be feeling like shit when I don't do them.

Yeah, that's basically been my life since I got into self development at a way too young age.

An everpresent dark cloud of feeling like shit because I'm not doing everything I think I should.

 

Digging Up Some Dirt

Why am I doing all this stuff in the first place? To make up for something. A perceived deficit.

The following is me examining some motivations that I've been overlooking. It's ugly, so brace yourself. This was very cathartic for me to write.

I wanted to meditate and practice concentration daily, because i'M NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE MY  CONCENTRATION SUCKS

• I'm not enough because when my energy to focus runs out, and I'm overwhelmed, I can't be social and conversations with me are short and awkward. I'm not good enough because I can't be interested in and focused on other people all day. I'm not good enough because I can't bear to be at a party with strangers for more than 3 hours, after which I need a break from talking. I'm not good enough because that way, I may never be good at pickup or making friends.
   
• I'm not good enough because I don't have the concentration skills to be focused all day, so I could never hold a high position at a company or have any demanding, high paying job. Let alone run a business! I'm too chaotic and unfocused for that. That makes me not good enough.
   
• I'm not good enough because the previous point would mean I could never become a high-status individual, call up my high school class mates who were mean to me / looked down on me, and go: "HA HA!! SEE?! YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT ME!!"
   

I wanted to learn to become good with girls. But, I'm not that bad with girls, at all. I'm doing better than the average male.

No, what I secretly wanted is to become SO good with girls, that I can go back to every SINGLE girl that rejected me and/or was mean to me in highschool, apply my skills, and have sex with them. Be validated. Not be rejected this time. Doesn't matter if they are married by now, I'm just going to go systematically look up every single girl from highschool that I had a crush on and couldn't get, make a giant list, devise a master plan to fuck each and every one of them, and that would be my life. The nerd's revenge.

[ I know it seems like I'm exaggerating. I'm really not. This is SCARY real. There's a part of me that believes that this is actually what I'm going to do with my life...]

Oh god? So strange to actually write this down. This shit has been in the background of mind semi-daily, but in the shadows. So it's very familiar, but I've never shone a light on it. Haven't ever spoken of it or written it down.
It's been my little secret. Well, not so little. I've been holding on to this Nerd's Revenge Master Plan like Smeagol to The Ring.

MY PRECIOUSSSS.

Thinking that this is instrumental in motivating me to become my best self, and in the end, be happy. Not just happy, happier than everyone else who used to laugh at me! To WIN!!

To let go of this secret master plan would mean to accept my past, in a way. To accept that I was unpopular and a social outcast in the past, and that there's nothing I can do to change that. Yikes!

It's like I have this hole in my garden, filled with garbage. Every time something happens that confirms that self image of the awkward little kid who gets laughed at, hated, bullied, rejected, something that could be taken as a sign that I'M STILL THAT KID THAT i CAN'T ACCEPT,
I put more crap in the hole and I push it down. If it doesn't fit, I stomp on it, run it over with a car, whatever I can do to make it fit in the hole, and make the garden look even.

But, more and more work is going into pushing it down. And it's been rotting and smelling bad. People who visit my garden are wondering what I'm hiding. Maybe. Are they?!

Time to clean out the hole.

My garden is uneven. Can't hide it anymore.

I could put flowers in it or something ?

Edited April 5, 2019 by flowboy

[tsuki]

That's very powerful. I'm so happy that you want to confront the hole.
When it comes to practices, I tend to treat them as lessons to learn about my everyday consciousness.
There is always an insight within a technique that I can merge with my ordinary way of being.
This is why I'm not concerned with formality too much.

Edited April 5, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@tsuki Thank you for reading and responding!

What do you mean by practices?

And I'm also curious to know what you mean by being concerned with formality.

I'm wondering what to do with this realisation. Is there action to take?

[tsuki]

33 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Because really, all these things like strict daily meditation, yoga and workouts are nice-to-haves.

What I read in your post is that you feel guilty for not adhering to a specific, self-imposed, schedule of practices.
I treat techniques as lessons to learn. I learn them by merging, integrating, what I do in formal sitting with my ordinary (organic) way of being.
You don't have to sit and still your mind at one particular point during the day. You can meditate and walk, you can even meditate and sleep.
This applies to do-nothing, self-inquiry, mindfulness, 3-centered awareness, and even yoga.

5 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I'm wondering what to do with this realisation. Is there action to take?

Which realization? The one about the underlying scarcity mindset/hole?
It's a gateway to spirituality, enlightenment work. Egoic mechanism and duality are the root cause of that.

[dharma-shishyah]

I really applaud your honesty and bravery in writing down your 'dark suspicions' concerning yourself. In my experience, those moments of my life have been very healing. You have written down a truth that was there in the back of your mind all along, and apparently now you feel strong and self-assured enough to put it in writing. 

And let me also add that even if your suspicions were completely true, there is nothing in them that you should feel ashamed of. It would simply mean you are "human, all too human".

I also like what @tsuki said about using 'practices' as a way to shed light on ordinary consciousness. I believe that we shouldn't depreciate ordinary consciousness too much. In fact, some good-old fashioned common sense can be intensely reassuring and grounding. Better still, I think we should trust and develop our common sense to the point that we can use it as a yard-stick to measure the utility of our spiritual practices by. This is also what the Buddha said (paraphrasing): "Don't blindly trust authority, don't be taken in by fancy sophisticated arguments, don't trust sacred writings just because they're sacred writings, but verify for yourself that what I say is true." (The exact quote is in Chapter 1 of The Art of Living by William Hart.)

Sometimes it even seems to me that the whole point of spirituality is to make you see that all of spirituality is a mirage, but you just have to go through the process of self-delusion and disenchantment to find that out for yourself.

Edited April 5, 2019 by dharma-shishyah

[flowboy]

So I've been making an identity out of following a diet perfectly, being perfectionistic about self development, being better than normal. To compensate for this perceived lack. Self discipline as a way to feel special. This has been going on since I was in my early teens and was given a book "Seven habits of effective teens" by Sean Covey. I vowed: I will implement all these seven habits, and that will stop me from feeling inferior.

After this realisation, I had (and am still having) a very blissful afternoon doing nothing in particular.

• I drank coffee and refactored some code. For my job. In unpaid time. I would normally have felt guilty about not spending this unpaid time on my own stuff, but fuck it. I had an idea, and it was enjoyable to execute it.
  I decided that I'm not banning coffee forever. It does something very good for my coding abilities. Rather, I'll keep it as a secret weapon. Not drink it daily, but about once every two weeks, in moments where I really could use a boost in work motivation.
• I drank the alcohol free beer that I forbid myself to touch because it's related to wheat. Yeah, I probably won't buy it again soon, and no, I'm not going back to eating bread. But it just feels great to be able to really enjoy the taste, without feeling guilty for making an exception.
• The thought arose to smoke (as long as we're breaking rules), but I was happy to notice that I still don't want to harm myself.

I had a very blissful and inefficient walk home. Not worrying about being time-efficient, like usually. Enjoying every step. Smiling.

Not being very social towards my neighbour, who asked how I was doing. Not beating myself up over that.

Sitting at my computer, researching some stuff. My room is a mess that I've been avoiding. But right now I can really enjoy being lazy.

It's like a cascade of subtle habitual beating-myself-up-moments that are now losing their power. I don't need to "be" anything to feel valid.

 

Tomorrow I'm doing a psilocybin trip. My intention is to, if I have a chance, contemplate these questions:

 

What am I trying to achieve?

 

How do I want to take care of my inner child?

 

What do I want to create?

 

Where am I a perfectionist?

 

• What is the reason for perfectionism?
• What would it be like to let that go?

[flowboy]

I'm amazed at the power of letting go of 'I SHOULD (be)' beliefs

Suddenly, I feel capable of so much more!!

A weight lifted off my shoulders. A door unlocked.

• I feel capable of having cheat days in a diet, and being happy about it! Something I couldn't imagine before. Not saying I will. But I could.
• I suddenly, in an 'aha'-moment, realized how people are able to work on one habit at a time. It's because they feel already good enough.
  For about 13 years I've been trying to implement entire stacks of habits at once. Many times I've convinced myself logically that one or two at a time is plenty, and the best strategy, but it just wouldn't work for me. I couldn't imagine trying to do less. Because I wanted to feel valid, give myself that validation. And I needed to be perfect for that.

Probably I'll want to start doing The Work regularly. If letting go of shit like this is this powerful. Wow.

Maybe I could just pick the moment of my day where I felt the most uncomfortable and start from there. We'll see.

 

[flowboy]

Trip Report 30g Golden Teacher truffles

What do I want to create? What do you mean, create?! There is already everything! I am already everything!

I AM THE COFFEE!

It's the next morning. I'm slightly bothered by people addressing me with my name (let's say Flowboy). As a separate person. I have to remember how to play that character.
I want to be alone. Or at least not be talked to. It's exhausting to be put back into the Flowboy role.

This is a report of a trip with what ended up being 30 grams of Golden Teacher sclerotia (psilocybe cubensis truffles). According to the internet, this is roughly equivalent to between 5 and 8 grams of shrooms. I bought two packs of 15 grams. B, A and me sit down on the floor around a candle, in a triangle, holding hands. We each say a prayer. Then A and me start consuming the shrooms. I took a "full" dose of 15 grams, then portioned out another dose of 10 grams for later, and set a timer for an hour, to decide whether we want to go deeper. Spoiler alert: I take all of it.

T + 1:00
As soon as we're both feeling it, and are feeling sort of stable, I suggest taking a walk. We want to see some nature. Our sitter B is on board. This is right around the 1 hour mark, I discover, and I'm sure I want to kick it up a notch. I eat most of the 10 grams and leave some for after the walk. This is just what felt right.

There's a hair in my mouth. This is a persistent sensation I keep having and remarking about throughout the night. Also happened to me on acid.

I briefly wonder whether it is a good idea to up the dose and go outside at the same time, but I decide that the concept of good and bad idea doesn't make sense and I should just trust.

I'm sitting at the lake, marvelling at the WILD nature visuals. Branches, trees are growing before my eyes. The other side of the lake is alive with growth. Everywhere I look is life sprouting. I am a part of nature. A. is standing right behind me and stroking the sides of my head with her fingers. But they are not her fingers. They are the tentacles of the organic Universe nature entity that is connecting through her and me. Tickling her tentacles through my consciousness, inviting me, sucking me up, penetrating my identity. I let go. "Take me" I think. With my eyes closed I see morphing green octopus arms / plant branches / tree roots, crawling and grasping at me. I can feel the energy running through A, her hands, me, and the ground. "This is just foreplay", I think.
[A had the exact same experience of connectedness, her hands connecting to me but not JUST me, but Everything.]

It's not personal. It's not about little me and little her. Source showed us that we are the same. I wouldn't describe it as loving, because even though we were connecting to something infinitely good, it is very different from the egoic feeling of personal love. Like the universe loves Flowboy, but could also kill him or make him suffer, and then that is good.

We're leaving the lake. I remark that "you" and "I" and places to go are concepts, and how I would like to let go of them. But, "I can't completely let go, because I need them to go somewhere. You need your ego to move places and make things happen." A understands.
Several bushes stick their leaves out at my face and say hi to me. I have wordless conversations with them. Their structure seems infinitely deep. I talk to several tree branches like that and say "Bye!" to them as we walk on.

"Is it me or is it getting kind of dark! B, is it dark? I have no idea! HAHAHAHA" I laugh maniacally and start skipping through the street. The street is now overgrown with magical flowers the size of me almost. The size of the street is exploding with fast growing magical-feeling bushes, plants and flowers. I'm skipping through Wonderland.

I remark: "I could worry about people looking at this guy, acting weird, but I'm gonna let that go!! It feels so much better to just let that go!" I laugh a deep rumbling laugh.

I am no longer Flowboy. I am an expression of infinite love.

Periodically throughout the evening, I jump up and down and clap my hands like a happy child.

The questions I wrote down instantly lost all significance. What do I want to create? "I"?? That's so silly. There is already everything! I am everything. Nothing is needed. There is nothing to be done. Everything is already perfect as it is. It doesn't matter what I think!

I fall back into the carpet in surrender. A trust fall into nothingness. Ecstatically shouting: "It doesn't matter what I think. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK!! :D"

I'm standing in the kitchen with a tea bag in my hand. And a cup. Puzzled, I attempt to put one into the other. "I" am putting "the tea bag". I start explaining to B how you need these concepts to do things. The concept of tea and the concept of I. Separateness. But I would rather let go of concepts for now. Concepts create the illusion of separateness. But you need them for tea.

I have always existed, and will always exist. Infinity. It's infinite. It's perfect.

EVERYTHING IS ALREADY PERFECT AS IT IS

I created it perfectly. I did good.

It's impossible to worry. Who is worrying about what? Fear needs to be relative to something.

There is nothing to fear. I am supposed to take it all. To see. If there is nothing to fear, why not go see? TRUST!!

I state that I will be back and walk to the table where I left the remaining 5 grams. Smiling, I start eating them, alternating them with strawberries. Let's see.
The term "ego death" comes to mind. I start contemplating this. Is that what's supposed to happen?

There is nothing to fear baby. Nothing to fear. Everything is an expression of love
Laying on the floor. Flowboy is drawing his last breaths. I put his hands together in front of his chest. Stretch his body out. Symmetric body posture. His breath is extremely slow now. Throat is partially closed. [Later I draw a parallel to what I think yogic breathing is] I could stop it, it wouldn't matter. There is the sensation that A is trying to prevent me from dying. Holding my hand, touching me, trying to interact with my body. She doesn't understand. But that's fine. I feel like not cuddling anymore and focus on putting my arms and legs in a symmetrical position. "Just let me die", I think. "It's okay."

The sensation of his teeth in his skull are all that's left of Flowboy now. His hands have melted into the carpet. His body and the carpet and the room, it's all one thing. All made of the same stuff. I created it perfectly. It's all an expression of love.

The vague, rudimentary, blurry, cartoonish shapes that make up the corner of the window. They expand. The corner of the window are now all there is. I AM the corner of the window. How could I forget. The corner of the window is ME!!! I dreamt all this up. The last place Flowboy looked (corner of the window) now zooms in and it is everything. I am the corner of the window. No more separateness. No more me. [ Later I wonder whether this is what is meant by satori ]

A deep laugh rumbles from Flowboy's lifeless body.

I remember feeling vaguely like: "The Flowboy would find this freaky and cool. Right now there is no one here to have an opinion, so no room for judgment, but he would."

The infinite expression of love needs to pee.

The thought arises to comfort A, laying beside me. Should I leave her alone? I chuckle at that ridiculousness. She is an expression of me. She feels what I'm doing and thinking. No need to use words and pretend we're separate.

Stumbling through a world of blurry cartoonish shapes, I dream my Flowboy to the bathroom. I've been there before. I've been there all along. I lean against the wall and instantly melt into it. I stick Flowboy's arm through the wall. It doesn't exist. Whether Flowboy is actually in the bathroom is the wrong question to ask.
I feel A. I am her. Still on the carpet.

Right. I was playing a game. The "Flowboy has to pee" game. Seems unnecessary, because everything is already complete, there is nothing to do. But let's amuse myself. The colourful blurry cartoon hands take Flowboys dick out. It's glistening and shimmering like it just sparkled into existence.

Surrender. All there ever was, and ever will be, is this infinite moment, of trust, and surrender, surrender, surrender. There is no bad, just infinite flavours of good. There is no no, just infinite yes'es. I realize I'm alone. I've always been alone. This doesn't feel lonely, just surprising. I forgot that this has always been me, playing with puppets. Entertaining and playing a cosmic joke on myself. I am pretending to be A, and B. And Flowboy. And there is no time. I created this universe, made out of me, to tell myself stories with. The ending of one of the stories was Flowboy taking 30 grams of truffles. That was always going to be it. The closing of the book.

Desert Dwellers is playing. [Which is now my absolute favourite trip music.] At this point it is so loopy and repetitive and trance inducing that I become really convinced that time is either standing still, or never existed, and it's one of the jokes I made to myself

I'm sitting at the table filled with food, but I don't have a body. It has dissolved. The chair is empty, in a way. I'm transparent. I put my hand through the table. Wave it through the strawberries. If I concentrate, I can will a hand into existence, to pick up the strawberries and the orange juice. Distraction. Who is distracted by what? Separateness. Illusion.

I look back into A's eyes at the same time that she also looks up. Her hand mirrors my hand movement. I'm fully convinced now that we are one. Expressions of the same. Using language to pretend  we're different characters with separate minds is a fun, but unnecessary game.

We're remembering that we're the same. There is a conversation going on. With me. And me. Since always. And forever. I have always existed. There is only One. There is only Love. That's the answer. I dreamed all this up to entertain myself. To experience myself. And I suppose I also forgot about it to kid myself, for fun.

I look at A's blurry cartoon face and I AM her face. She/I looks at me. She/I remember. She/I were kidding ourselves/myself for awhile, but now we/I know.

There is tea in front of me. SEE!! I NEVER NEEDED TEA. I AM THE TEA. MY CUP WAS FULL TO BEGIN WITH. I am the tea.

I dream up a hand and start eating curry with it from the bowl. That's so funny. Curry eating itself. A made it. I don't personally remember it, but that means I made it.
Looking at A, I confirm: "We did good. We made it perfectly. I love you." Even that seems so unnecessary to say. I'm talking to myself.

A says: "Now I have that sensation of a hair in my mouth!" It makes sense to me because I am her. I look in her eyes, at her face and again this zooming-in happens. They're my eyes. My face. There is only One here. We know it.

[She experienced this oneness and connectedness similarly. We had to get used to being separate people later ]

A asks to make preparations for bed. I smile. There is nothing to do. It's already done.
A asks to get naked and feel skin contact. I'm already here. It is unnecessary.
A asks to give her a massage and stand/walk on her back. I'm puzzled: why would I walk on my own back? But why not. Let's humor myself and play something with the A and Flowboy characters.
I massage A's back with Flowboy, and put Flowboy on top of her. Then I let A ask him to lie down on her back, and make Flowboy do it.
Our hands connect and I honestly don't know which of the arms/bodies I am. We've always been one. Just consciousness playing with itself.

A is coming out of it and starts thanking me for bringing her along in this experience, saying it was part of my purpose. This deeply puzzles me. I'm so wrapped up in believing that we are one mind, that her calling upon the separate Flowboy confuses me. Slight paranoid thoughts come up that there was once a Flowboy but he is destroyed because he took shrooms and permanently merged his mind with his tripping partner. I'm not worried though. I let her lead me upstairs to my bed, of which the shape is still sizzling and half-materializing, but getting more and more solid.

A book is on the night stand: Conversations with God. This strikes me as a synchronicity because I just remembered that I'm God. But that means I put it there.

======

Next morning, A suggests to listen together to an audio recording of some spiritual guy channeling Bashar, talking about the same stuff that we experienced. Could help us ground it. I hesitantly agree, but it turns out well. One insight from that really made so much sense to me that I had to write it down:
Source is creating different characters to experience itself. The sense of separateness, the egos, is what create self awareness. The first reflection.
======

That really feels true as being the purpose of egos. It intuitively made sense to me, because "as Everything" I at one point felt, well, bored? Not quite. But yes to differentiate into separate people would be a good thing. I've heard some guy say, or read somewhere, that after experiencing satori, you realize that what you want isn't satori.

D arrives and greets us with hugs. There is this nice calm presence and trust. I can feel the Flowboy having preferences, but that's just what they are. They have no bearing on the present moment and are not to be taken too seriously. There is trust that whatever comes is good.

When D is looking at me, and gesturing, I feel myself making those gestures. When A looks at me and talks, I feel her mouth moving.

I feel like I've seen the fabric of reality unweave and put back together. I wonder what is beneath the skin of my beautiful talking partner. I imagine her transparent, an infinitely thin layer. She's describing an Ayahuasca trip in color and detail. Interestingly, she mentions that she's not sure whether I'm real, in front of her, or whether she's dreaming me. I know what she means.

In the train station. In between a mass of people moving their legs. I am moving all of my legs. What a freaky, and pleasant sensation! I am a gigantic creature with infinite legs crawling through the train station. The sense of identity just expanded.
Standing across from strangers, I have a newfound empathy. Flowboy is worried about the stranger being freaked out by too much eye contact. But I also have apprecation for the stranger, experiencing an impression of Flowboy. A sense of impartiality.

Arriving home, I run into 3 people I know at the train station. A guy I know from improv class, a girl I dated a week ago, and a girl I dated 13 years ago. This strikes me as a synchronicity. The number of lost acquiaintances contacting me/spontaneously running into me has been ramping up noticably in the past week.

Edited April 8, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Ego Backlash

I feel shame, disgust, sadness. I smoked again. I made it 85 days and then yesterday I had 1 cig, and just now 1 again.

There have been many triggers/cues over the past weeks, and I was able to ignore them successfully. Although a craving and a certain curiosity had been building.

Then I made a mistake: I smoked a nicotine-free tobacco substitute. Thinking I could safely do that since it was nonaddictive. But it felt wrong and raised my cravings for the real poison.

And still I didn't consider touching cigarettes until after the amazing shroom trip. After feeling so godly, I convinced myself that I could try it again because I was 'above' addiction now. More bullshit I told myself:

• I've been too neurotic with rules and that means I should be able to break all my rules and be okay with not sticking to it perfectly
  • Well, sure but doing self-destructive behaviour on purpose, just to practice forgiving myself for that is backwards and stupid
• I've had my ego too wrapped up in my 'perfect' healthy living rules, so it's a good experiment to break that down
  • I'm okay with a cheat day in the diet once in a blue moon, but that doesn't extend to doing addictive and harmful drugs again
• The difference between cravings and authentic desires is confusing / there must be a reason I have this impulse now
  • That was just a lie. I was aware that it felt like a bad idea, but all the godly feelings had me in a place of arrogance where I thought I could do no wrong
• Just to see what it is like, and confirm to myself that it is not at all as good as I imagine it
  • Why prove to myself something I already know? And damage my body in the process?
• To confront the fear of having to start over
  • Mission accomplished. I was proud of being over 80 days clean. Now that's gone. And this is good how exactly?
• I live in the moment now. If today I smoke, tomorrow that doesn't matter anymore. Because time doesn't exist
  • Cool story bro. Explain that to the doctor while discussing your lung X-rays

I cringe at the stupidity of the above excuses but I'm committed to being honest here.

I almost didn't want to write it here, to not disappoint people maybe reading this who may have been inspired before.

 

Also, I ate sugary food again, watched porn again, drank alcohol, coffee, ate dairy and bread, basically I went on a trying-all-forbidden-things rampage.

Effects: bloatedness, farting, stomach cramps, low energy, lethargy, couldn't sleep, low self-esteem.

And I feel anxious. I scared myself that I might actually not 'make it'. I feel little hints of the sad, slightly depressed, ungrounded version of myself creeping back in.

I'm starting over immediately. Knowing what I know now, hopefully not falling into the same trap of thinking I'm above addiction now that I had an enlightening trip.

But, the cravings are going to be intense for the next couple days. I'll try not to hate myself too much.

[Zigzag Idiot]

You outed yourself and didn't have to. That's huge,,,,  Don't beat yourself up.

Have another last cigarette as a fuck you to the Super ego. 

Youve already demonstrated an ability to suffer Consciously. Don't self criticize. Whatever you fight makes it stronger. See something absurd about it that you can laugh about. We're all FOR you!

[tsuki]

2 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Have another last cigarette as a fuck you to the Super ego. 

@flowboy Ahahaha I love this!

We're here with you, don't add fuel to fire.

Edited April 8, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@Zigzag Idiot @tsuki You have no idea how much I needed to hear some comforting words like that! I'm tearing up. Thank you.

Edited April 8, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I didn't go back to smoking. I'm eating a mix of what I consider to be super healthy, and some sinful things like pudding and chocolate here and there.

My routines I'm not using right now, but hoping to go back to them soon.

Currently my studio is too messy to properly do yoga anyway. Or cook healthy food.

But all of that doesn't matter because...

I spent the entire day yesterday building my app idea!

It doesn't do anything yet because that shit takes time. But that's not the point. The point is: I spent my free time productively and creatively, working on something that I believe in. For myself, not for my employer.

My conclusion is that as long as I'm doing that, I can feel good enough without getting laid, eating super clean, sticking perfectly to my habits, et cetera.

 

I can even be late for appointments, forget about things and people, miss workouts, all my vices. Doesn't matter. I'm not trying to run away from something bottomless anymore. I am wearing the pants of purpose.

 

???

 

[flowboy]

I'm going back to my original method. Documenting my behaviour because awareness alone creates change.

All these insights are great, but I'm not above addiction. Yet, or maybe ever. Having something important to do certainly helps. But many successful people smoke or overcaffeinate themselves. So to live a healthy lifestyle goes nicely with living with purpose, but it still needs vigilance.

Got up at                           : 9:15
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 0
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 25
Total infield time                  : 12h20
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 0
    alcohol                         : 2
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 0
    peak orgasm                     : 0
    porn                            : 0

 

[flowboy]

Today seems a nice day to try the dreaded "meditation after work" thing.

[flowboy]

It ended up being 7 minutes of meditation at 3 a.m. ... But still! It led to more good things, like going to the gym this morning and buying better food for myself (smoked trout, tuna in olive oil and coconut yoghurt with blueberries and pieces of coconut).

Something Duncan Trussell said hit me: "Not too tight, not too loose"

It's easy to go from "everything is perfect the way it is" to "it doesn't matter if I eat bad food and don't exercise"

It's a paradox, and I can't resolve it. You're absolutely perfect the way you are. But you could do more.