flowboy

Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

790 posts in this topic

[06:48] Crap...

Got into a bad habit of deciding to get back into bed after shutting off the alarm.

Told myself I would sleep in until 7, and start getting up earlier 'tomorrow'...

And at 6:44 I finally stopped this nonsense.


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Feeling angry, frustrated with myself and desperate

I had a schedule for my morning, but instead I spent AN HOUR biking to the city to get coffee, because I just couldn't do without that reward.

God why am I such a pussy.

At least I can still do 40 push-ups

At least I meditated


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That is just total lack of discipline. I had a schedule, but I chose to throw it out in favor of following an addiction.

Biking all through the city looking for a shop that is open on Sundays. Madness.

Reminds me of the days when I would get out of bed and get on my bike just to get cigarettes.

During the frantic rush to the store, the only thing on my mind was lighting up, that crackling sound when the flame eats into the cigarette, followed immediately by a nauseating first buzz. That would make it all okay, I would project.

Then I would light up, calm down and smoke while thinking about the great things I would do with my life "later".

Well, it's later.


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If this were a friend of mine saying this, I'd say: "well, what's the point of beating yourself up? What are you going to do about this?"

So, yes let's be constructive.

I'm going to cut my date for today short for 4 hours, to make up for the lost time.

Yes, that seems quite punitive, but I shouldn't have planned a date at all looking at the amount of things I have to do.

I need time to clean.

 

Additionally, I'm going to at least clean up 10 emails and do some dishes before I leave.


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Date went great, got home on time.

Did not use time productively at all.

Improved relationship though :)

Tomorrow will be better


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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[6:27] Jumped out of bed at 6:00 :) did not crawl back in

now going for a run


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[6:38am] Alarm woke me up, I crawled back in because "it's cold and I'm tired"

Which are true things, but I have to prioritize consistency here


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[6:50am] I had set my alarm for 5:00 am, because I wanted to work on something for the men's group. However at 5am I simply said: "this must be a mistake" and went back to bed, to be woken up at 6 by a different alarm.

Which I ignored, because I'm still tired.

And I feel like that was right. Setting the alarm early even though I'm not sleeping that early, is like an attempt to cheat myself out of sleep.

I need to rebuild trust with myself here and go to bed at 9.

 

More energy with less coffee

Yesterday I only had 1 cup at home, and at work only drank tea. And... I had better focus, and did not feel like all my life energy was down the drain around 18:00!

So drinking more than 1 cup actually takes energy away from me. It makes me crash after 18:00, feel depressed and crave alcohol.

Granted, yesterday I also did not have the sugary yoghurt cup I sometimes get for breakfast at work. Not sure if it's the sugar, the dairy or some other ingredient in this heavily processed yoghurt, but it makes me feel like there's a blindfold tied too tight around my brain.


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It's amazing how much clearer I feel.

Even though today started stressful and angry, like most days where I don't wake up on time.

I can code. And read. And understand. Cognize.

Is it that I am not drinking the weird coffee at work, or is it that I'm not eating rye bread, or is it that I'm not eating sweetened yoghurt?

Let me just have one cup of weird coffee to see if that fucks me up.


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My food so far today:

  • Eggs fried in olive oil
  • 85% dark chocolate
  • Raw spinach, a lot
  • Raw carrots
  • Sardines in olive oil
  • Orange
  • Coffee
  • Green tea

Amazing how productive and clear-headed you can be when you don't start the day with a good dose of poison :D

Somehow over the past months I let my diet slip, and came to believe that it did not make much of a difference...

Well, it does.

 

Edit: yes, the extra coffee makes me feel anxious, stressed, and raises my heart rate.

It does not seem to impact my productivity. Just slightly raise levels of stress and discomfort.

Mostly I think I've been drinking it to compensate for a bad diet with a lot of dairy and bread

 

Well, it seems to be the pattern that a new habit often follows. I implement it, then I let it go, then that makes me aware of why I implemented it, then I pick it back up with more calm and conviction.

People complaining "I quit everything I start" are not looking at a long enough timeframe.

Changing a habit is not a binary thing, motivation for it goes up and down in waves. But eventually you've seen enough of both states to reach an equilibrium at an optimal new configuration.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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[9:52] I'm out of control!

Not really. But yesterday I made a nice plan and then spent all day on the internet.

Not all day, actually part of the day I was brainstorming business ideas. They just kept coming.

Then I tried to go to sleep at 9:45, but guess what: more ideas. Had to be written down.

I think I need a day of controlled chaos and creativity every now and then, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

 

What I will do however, is turn off my phone for two hours.

I've been laying in bed, undisciplined, listening to youtube videos.

Anxious for people to reply to my texts because I'm addicted to the stimulus.

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I'm noticing that friends are reluctant to meet up, even one on one. And when they do, they want to keep a distance and not hug.

My inside is screaming: "THIS IS STUPID!! Can't you see humans are not supposed to live this way, because their bodies transfer healing energies to each other by regular physical proximity, and trying to cut that out is going to hurt everyone, a lot!?"

But no, they can't see that. And I'm _trying_ to respect them for it.

Actually, it's nice that most people do what the government says in emergency situations.

I'm just a natural dissident. That is a factor.

When the group says do A, I say that's insane, let's do B.

Since that's been the case so often, it would be irrational for me to believe that I've been right all the time.

Also, in my opinion the government is handling this poorly. But my opinion is just my feeling. I could be wrong.

I have to not hold it against other people when they are trying to do the right thing.

I have to not take it personally when they don't want to hug me or see me.

So this is what it feels like when everyone's going crazy at the same time, and I am the only sane one (from my perspective, of course statistically I'm crazy)

But yeah, I'm more afraid of mass hysteria and a shut down economy than I am afraid of the health hazard itself.

Still, it's fear.

There is not one right opinion, and it doesn't matter what I think.

This is what's happening.

Accept it.


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Update: just saw the clip from Italy. I was under the impression that this thing was just like flu, and the only reason that so many people are hospitalized was that nobody has immunity yet.

I see now that I was wrong about that due to being willingly uninformed. It's more like pneumonia. It doesn't only hit people who were obese, old or smokers, which is what I had been told before.

I now find my previous uninformed opinion disrespectful and ignorant.

To watch the news or not to watch the news

And I'm confused. Because I have adopted the belief that it's good to cut newswatching and general fear inciting media out of my life. But now that is causing me to be socially maladapted and have a lot of conflicts.

I think the difference here is: there is something I can do. I can fall in line and just follow the isolation guidelines.

With regular news about some horrible war somewhere, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm not going to watch.

Here, there's something I can do, and it affects my life. What I do affects it, allegedly, a little bit.

I am now very grateful that we have a government who doesn't enforce lockdown in an authoritarian fashion.

 

 

Still, it bothers me that it takes so much energy away from people, watching all this negativity and accepting fear into their lives, without being able to help it. 

I'm worried that I would lose productivity over it (which I am). I'm worried that I myself would use it as an excuse to not work out, or not carry on productively.

So, I'll make sure that doesn't happen :)

I'll follow the rules and recommendations from now on, and will stop being childish about it.

But apart from that, I'm not going to let fear in and will simply push forward and show everyone my positivity.

Because that's simply who I am. Apparently.

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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[8:13am] Good morning. Tonight I will really start planning my day and do my evening routine at 20:30 so that I can get up at eight.

Back to the routines and the scheduled day today!


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I started working out with Freeletics, recommended by a friend. It's wonderfully tough on me. Feeling like a pussy all over again :D

Maybe it's the working out, but I am experiencing a natural urge to only eat simple, wholesome things.

Bananas and peanut butter. Raw spinach. Raw carrots. Boiled eggs. Black beans. Olive oil.

Pretty sure I'm noticing the testosterone- and serotonin-stimulating effects of eating spinach.

And just the act of sticking leaves in my face and chewing on them helps me concentrate.

I guess my spirit animal really is a sloth.


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What these times mean - Getting Lean

Here's my take on it: there is no going back. Most people assume that we're just going to go back to the way it was after a few months. I don't think so.

Because by forcing everyone to not do a whole bunch of things, that they thought were necessary but in fact are relics from the past, we are pushing companies to evolve and get rid of dead weight.

  • Most people like to go to the grocery store instead of ordering online. Out of habit and comfort.
    Now, having a strong incentive to order groceries delivered, they are pushed out of that comfort zone and forced to discover the benefits.
    Why would they go back?
  • Shoppers like to go to stores and discover and try things on. Now that there's pressure to order online, that's what we'll do. And no, they can't try clothes on in the same way, however we can solve that with VR.
    The stores who figure out how to provide the best VR shopping experience, will thrive.
    Why would they go back to the old way with massive overhead and real estate and human resource cost?
  • A whole bunch of sectors can work from home just fine, but were not comfortable with it yet.
    Now that they are forced to - why keep paying for the office space when this works just fine?

My prediction is that this pandemic means the end of brick and mortar, in many sectors. Physical storefronts will be reduced to only the very exclusive brands.

Also the end of commuting to work.

Maybe even the end of office space as we know it.

Everyone will have their personal office space in their home.

The undisciplined will go hungry.

 

Anyways, since there's no stopping this train, I might as well jump aboard.

I'm quitting the physical gym and committing to doing home workouts.

The attractive females were mostly a distraction anyway.

I don't expect to go back anytime soon. Rather, I'd build a full home gym when I can afford it.

 

 

 

Edited by flowboy

Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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Prestige means nothing to me!

 

Hedging my bets (career) is counterproductive! Burn the ships!

What do I mean by this: I'm in the process of changing cities, and may have to change employers, too.

Then there are some potential employers whom everyone knows, big names. It's attractive to go for those, because it provides the insecure ego with some validation. XYZ hired me, therefore I must be valuable and successful.

Also, and this is mainly what I mean: suppose the entrepreneur thing doesn't work out, I can still have a good career if I pick the right name

This thought is pure poison.

Thinking like this will make it harder to persevere through hardship. If I'm not fully invested in the entrepreneurial path, and feel like I have other options, I will at some point cave. Pure self-sabotage.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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[retro] I did not get up at 6.

- What happened, why did I stay in bed?

I had been turning off the alarm and going back into bed for the past week, so it felt like an option. And I felt that I needed more sleep

- What was I telling myself?

"I will have a better day if I finish my 8 hours"

- How will I handle this next time?

Next time, I will remember how much it sucks to start the day and already be behind on schedule. How hard it is to schedule or reschedule your day in the morning and get anything done after that. I will remember that if I get started right, I will do much more in the first 5 hours, and if I need I can take a nap after.

Next time I hear the alarm, I will jump out of bed, drink a glass of water, put on my getting-up-early song and start reading my mindset stuff.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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I'm worried that the email I sent to my potential employer will get me to be judged for being a scatterbrain.

> Are you a scatterbrain?

No, I'm a multifaceted person with many interests.

> Then why would they judge you?

Because they only want people interested single-mindedly in the job.

> And that's not you?

No.

> So suppose they don't want you, how does that make you feel?

Bad. Like a loser. Like a child who got caught. Shame, because no one is supposed to see my everything-connecting creative chaotic side. I've been judged for that before.

> Is it a bad thing? Should you fix it?

No, I should not. I love it. I can manage it now, and it's a superpower.

And, I don't want to lie or hide, or work in any place where I have to pretend to be something I'm not.

So either they think it's cool, or I don't want to work there.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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[6:00am] It worked! I'm tired but I'm sitting here. Visualising getting up helped.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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