Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

I was in bed 2 minutes past 9. I'm going to count it.

After 45 minutes, still no sleep, got up to brush my teeth (which I had skipped to be in bed on time)

It is now 93 minutes later.

I'm going to read Unscripted until I fall asleep.

All this is expected

[flowboy]

4:57am. I'm here. It's dark and it's cold.

But I'm doing this as a free man, not as a slave!

No employer is making me do this.

I made ramen noodles for breakfast, because I heard that's what entrepreneurs eat.

?????

 

Edited October 2, 2019 by flowboy

[allislove]

Waking up early morning is so amazing habit to build, from this habit may stem so much other amazing habits.

In summer 2018 I was waking up till around 6 am for about 3 month. I was meditating or jogging, or doing some fitness.

It was a great time and I was super productive.

I hope you keep this habit longer than I did in 2018.

[flowboy]

@dimitri  Thank you for sharing that! The confirmation helps

I do indeed think that it is one of the most crucial ones. I've underestimated it before.

Knowing that makes it easier to sacrifice what gets in the way.

[tsuki]

@flowboy I remember having terrible trouble getting up in the morning when I started my first regular job.
Waking up at 5:30 was a nightmare because all of my morning negativity was happening at work and it was making me despise it. I even made a rule for myself to never reflect upon my life in the morning because it was spiraling into depression.

The answer was to start waking up at 4am to enjoy myself in the morning instead of waking up to get to work. It was something like "getting up for my own sake instead of waking up because my boss wants me to".
Many years later, I'm still waking up 2 hours before getting to work to have a normal breakfast, iron my clothes, and do basic stuff at my own pace.
I can't stress enough just how much it had improved my life.

Edited October 2, 2019 by tsuki

[allislove]

Cool. In my experience to wake up early becomes easier after doing that for a few weeks, but you have to know what exactly you want to do in the morning, otherwise there is a danger to fell asleep.

Oh, you motivated me to try to waking up earlier again. I need to think about it. It's much harder to do with a small kid.  

[allislove]

Funny story: once I had to wake at 3.30am in order to run 21 km before the work.

[flowboy]

59 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@flowboy I remember having terrible trouble getting up in the morning when I started my first regular job.
Waking up at 5:30 was a nightmare because all of my morning negativity was happening at work and it was making me despise it. I even made a rule for myself to never reflect upon my life in the morning because it was spiraling into depression.

The answer was to start waking up at 4am to enjoy myself in the morning instead of waking up to get to work. It was something like "getting up for my own sake instead of waking up because my boss wants me to".
Many years later, I'm still waking up 2 hours before getting to work to have a normal breakfast, iron my clothes, and do basic stuff at my own pace.
I can't stress enough just how much it had improved my life.

Thank you for sharing that! I see many similarities.

Even getting up 2 hours before work is hard, because in my mind the point is still just to go to work. But getting up way early to work for myself... that seems to motivate me much better!

Even though I couldn't sleep, I was excited for the alarm to ring. Imagine that.

[flowboy]

7:33 Woke up, wondering why it's light out. Failure. Oops.

After Toastmasters evening I rushed home and was home at 10pm, but had some wine and got to bed at 10:30 (I changed the time rule)

Maybe even 1 glass of wine is disturbing my sleep.

Anyway, these are just startup problems. I'm tired enough to go to bed reeeeal early today

[allislove]

Good morning @flowboy

Little motivation for you: 

 

[flowboy]

Thank you and good morning to you too

That's funny, I actually did work out this morning.

Overwhelmingly many folks I look up to recommend that.

[flowboy]

8:10, almost bedtime.

Went to the gym before work and had a reasonably productive work day. I am noticing that I recognize when I'm off on a tangent quicker than I used to, and I know that even reading forums is a distraction.

The first thing I do tends to be what my day is about. So if I start by watching a video, the day will be video watching with short breaks of work. If I open Visual Studio first thing and get going, the day will be mostly programming with short breaks of browsing.

16:00pm I crashed hard after eating apple pie. Made brave attempts to do the tasks on my schedule (planning a trip) but decided to do them later, because I'm too sleepy to make decisions that I trust.

At least I have a daily schedule again. I'll make the next one and then read UNSCRIPTED for some minutes before turning in.

Good night.

[flowboy]

6:05. Missed my alarms again, but getting there

Some contributing factors:

- Had 2 glasses of wine right before bed. Probably I should stop that, it can also wake me up.

- I got involved in a heated forum debate (other forum) which was stupid. I should quit all debate forever.

- I was hungry and the fridge was empty.

 

No matter, let's start the day I got some programming planned!

[flowboy]

[4:50 am]   I'm here, reporting for duty?

Interesting how getting up at this time makes me vividly remember my dreams. Last time: I was captured in a war by some enemies. One of my good friends was among the enemies. I had to murder him. He called me today.

This time, I can't remember of ever having so vividly dreamt a smell!

It was so intense, I was surprised the scent was gone when I woke up.

Too bad it was the scent of cat turds.

That's right, I had a dream of cats wanting to sleep next to ferrets and molesting them. But told from the ferret's perspective.

Great?

 

 

[8:11pm] Spent a total of 726 minutes on my project today, of which 110 were market research and the other 616 programming. That's a 12.1 hour day of working for myself. Proud of that? Yes, yes I am.

Edited October 5, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

8:53am    Oops, totally slept through everything this time.

I should start a dream log. Although they keep getting more disturbing? This time, I woke up dreaming a story of having sex with my ex girlfriend, when she asked about a video tape that she had seen of me having sex or something, and she had some questions about that: "Who filmed that? I wasn't there!" And I said that it was the other girl and pointed at the bed. "But she's dead now." I told my girlfriend that the other girl was dead while I started fucking the other girl. "It's okay, she's still warm. Here, you wanna try" and I threw my girlfriend on the other girl. Upon which the presumed dead girl woke up, and was like "ha ha, you guys thought I was dead LOL".

?

I woke up horny as hell that's for sure.

[flowboy]

The oversleeping may have been caused by the schedule for today, that is too full. I've built up some leftover tasks this week and stacked them all onto today. That's too much, but I don't like to admit it.

Having a schedule that I believe in is really important.

[flowboy]

I've been working on this app for several months now, and dreaming about making it for several years.

BUT: I have no idea whether it's a hobby or a business.

I have a strong desire to make this product beautiful and into something I would love using.

But I have no market validation. I haven't done any questionnaires, or gotten any feedback from anyone except friends and family.

And it's a problem that has been nagging me.

So I will do market research. And I will get better at market research. I will learn everything about it. I shall make it my mission to validate my product idea.

But if the market says no, I commit to dropping the project and finding something else. I trust that I will find something that the market says it wants, and will help a lot of people, and will make money.

Later, when I'm rich, I can build whatever the fuck I want, and a lot quicker too.

I admire the stories of people pouring years of sweat and artistry into a project, without knowing whether it's going to work, and then being successful. That's not going to be my way. It's a nice dream, but there is too much 'hoping' and 'luck' in it.

So I'm prepared to kill my dear project, that I'm already so invested into, if I must.

 

Insights this weekend:

1. It's better to build something people want and makes money. Later, with that money, I can build my art and whatever I want, 1000 times quicker, too.
2. It's good to not let your ideas get too far ahead of your actions. Have some ideas, take action on them. Otherwise you're fantasizing, and will get way off course because you're not getting feedback from the world.

[flowboy]

[5:02am]    I'm here. It's dark and it's cold, but I'm here.

This time my dream was only about being peer pressured to make out with another guy I went to highschool with, and pretend to enjoy it because he was making a movie, and I did it to win the approval of the group, and also because I was confused. I thought I was showing them what a good lover I was. There was also a girl there that I was flirting with but didn't dare make a move on.

I suppose there is a lesson there: execute your plan or become part of someone elses plan?

Time to make coffee.

 

[5am-7am] Read about pain points of target market and take notes.

Make post guaging interest.

[7am] Run really fast for half an hour. Feel like a fucking winner. Sweat like crazy.

I didn't even realise what lifting weights in the gym every day would do for my running, until now. Man I can run fast for a long-ass time.

Edited October 7, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

[6:03]    Good morning. 6:03 is not bad, not good. Getting there.

I was tested yesterday evening. A very hot girl I know from Tinder was standing literally in front of my door, smoking a cigarette. She didn't know I lived there, or so she said. She did remember what my tattoo looked like at a party 2 years ago. Where she said we talked. I don't remember that, but I was on ecstasy. She seemed very interested in me. Like, very down.

But it was bedtime, and so I told her, hugged her, and went to sleep. Great coincidence or not. I made a commitment to myself.

It did cause me some doubt and trouble falling asleep??

Mostly because I have a life long habit of beating myself up for not capitalizing on opportunities like this.

But I did capitalize on the opportunity. The opportunity to stick to my commitment.

 

I've been taking the "in bed by 9" rule very literally: doing all kinds of things between 8 and 9, eating dinner with a friend, messaging people, and then suddenly, hastily I switch the light off and race to be in bed on time. No wonder I have trouble falling asleep.

I need to start winding down sooner, too. Like for example, only read a book after 8.

 

Don't feel as fresh and ready for the day as previous days. Feel rather exhausted. Oh well. We'll see how I feel after running

 

Got my first reply to a topic I posted as part of market research. It was positive, but indicated I have competition.

Good.

 

Ran another 4.04 km (2.52 miles) until I almost puked for another half hour. And I take big-boy steps too. It's almost like a prolonged sprint.

Grunting and pushing forward.

I am a motherfucking beast. I am success.

I am inevitable.

 

Edited October 8, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I'm experiencing weird feelings of ungroundedness with hints of sadness. Extremely hard to concentrate. Still doable, but harder than normal.

Sense of manliness was way up this morning, and I loved talking and probably sounded quite arrogant. This afternoon, I feel guilt for not being able to concentrate, sadness about leaving my job, and anxiety to contact a woman. Like my voice is actually shaking out of nervousness. It's very strange.

I wonder whether this is seasonal affective disorder trying to get me again.

Decided to call up a girl because sex would be a nice escape. Maybe. I'll have to watch myself extra to not cum.

Also, women don't exist for the sole purpose of providing me with pleasure and escape. I know that.

And it's better practice to be with my feelings and do my work anyway, than to run from it. I know.