NEED HELP ! serious depression. fear.

[Maccoy]

Guys. i dont know what  to say. i just need help . i think  i am going crazy and i cant deal with it alone. 

i was in serious depression about 4 years ago . than i found actualized . org. and i started to build up myself.  and i did. i thought i will never go to depression again. and now it came back even harder. cause i dont know what else can i do. i though my psychology was strong but it seems it isnt. i think that this years of work was pointless ?  i think everything is over and i cant help myself now. i cant even meditate . my mindfulness skills and my ideas and everything is gone.   life that i was dreaming and seeing in my mind is over.   

what can u say about my situation. have anyone been here after all this work ? and have anyone dealt with it ? 

thanks for reading. 

[non_nothing]

start taking cold showers. look google for practise

[kingroboto]

Your hubris of thinking that you conquered your depression and will NEVER get depressed again is what is hurting you. Just accept that life is going to throw curve balls at you constantly and learn from each experience. 

[ivory]

17 hours ago, Maccoy said:

what can u say about my situation. have anyone been here after all this work ? and have anyone dealt with it ? 

Your story sounds familiar to mine but I'd need to hear more to be sure. With depression comes negativity towards life and self. What sort of negativity do you experience?

[purerogue]

You clearly had some kind of idea that came into your mind and made you depressed, would be nice if you share it with us , so we know how to help you better,  any extra information would be helpful. 

Edited December 12, 2018 by purerogue

[Maccoy]

1 hour ago, ivory said:

Your story sounds familiar to mine but I'd need to hear more to be sure. With depression comes negativity towards life and self. What sort of negativity do you experience?

well. i build myself to a guy that enjoyed life, every moment, i was helping others with my knowledge , i was cleaning my diet , exercising , taking cold showers, and i was working at home , doing tattoos and learning interior design and also teaching teaching hip hop dance to kids, i was so motivated , i was maditating 45 min a day , i took solo retreat even . i developed high self esteem . 

and now i hurt my ankle and cant exercise , i cant take cold showers cause i have some problem there also , also i started a job which i don,t like , my father is working here and i feel i am a little boy .  my self esteem is so low now. i am 26 and i have not developed mastery in anything , and i  even don,t know what is it that i want to do in life any more. 

and about negativity . i exp that i will not be able to cope with life. and life will be painful to my from now. all my ideals , my self discipline , my visions , they are all gone.  i though i was this cool guy who was able to deal with everything and now being in this situation tells me a different story . 

it feels like 4 years ago , but in that time i started this journey , and now i am in that situation but + i have already gone this journey and i don't know what will help me now to get out of this situation. back than i  saw the way and i followed it. and now i can't see . 

i feel like i have fucked up my life and that it will not be same again . i will not be same as i was . and i am so afraid of this. 

i feel like victim. and i think i enjoy playing victim now. i think something in me wants to suffer and play this victim . well back than i though i was a creator. and helping others to come out of this victim mindset. and now i cant help myself. isn't this funny? 

also i started smoking . and overeating sometimes. cause i find joy in it. i am becoming an addict. and i find joy at the end of the day when i go to bad. but i am afraid of waking up next day . cause at night i wake up and all this thoughts come to my . and i cant even sleep than . in the morning all this thoughts come to me and it is hard for me to do the work .  during day this thoughts come to me and so on and on . 

also i know that i must suffer mindfully . and get mobilized . and don't avoid emotional labor. and sometimes i have some hope that i will deal with this situation and come out of it even stronger but  it is mostly in the evening . and when i go to bed next morning it is gone. 

if only i can train now and take cold showers i think it would help me but this tools i cant use. 

so i feel i had everything i now i have lost everything. and it is done. 

and it is even hard for me to explain to others what is wrong with me. 

[Maccoy]

16 minutes ago, Luka Tepic said:

You will come stronger out of this believe me. I feel like you are to attached to the “good stuff” in life. The biggest part of development for me is being happy even when things fall apart  My advice would be to let go of your ideal life, let it all go. And also look into non-duality videos from leo.

i have watched all videos from leo and took notes . and i have read them and i was living them. i now i sometimes think that i have bullshiting myself through this time. i am like unhappy psychologists now. 

yes i now that but only in theory i think . or things have fallen apart really bad . 

letting go of my ideal life. i don't know. 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

You may need to take medication. 

[ivory]

@Maccoy Your story sounds just like mine. I went from high functioning to not functioning at all. You say you were highly motivated in the past, what were your primary motivations?

[Maccoy]

8 hours ago, ivory said:

@Maccoy Your story sounds just like mine. I went from high functioning to not functioning at all. You say you were highly motivated in the past, what were your primary motivations?

well. my motivation was my vision. my growth . my hobbies .  boxing. yoga. running. cleaning diet . learning every day and working on myself every day . and developing every day .  being this self made self disciplined human being. who leads others. who is a hero. 

and just life was just a joy for me. i have developed nice mindfulness skills. and every moment was joyful. i had some problems but i have dealt with them fine. with no worries.  i was at the point where i was playing with everything in life.   i had no addictions. sometimes i smoke some weed and took some party drugs but it was once in a while and i have complete control over it. and now i cant control even what i eat. and how much. i cant control anything. 

in summer i took lsd and had some enlightenment experience . and i have planned solo retreats . 

i though i was going to this amazing life. life was getting just better and better. i was on the top of the world and now i feel i am in the bottom. and can't see any ways how i can get back .  i know all this theory already but it doesn't help now . 

and what did u do than ? did u came back . and how ? 

[Maccoy]

15 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

You may need to take medication. 

i am afraid i can develop an addiction and it might be worth than  . 

[purerogue]

I would suggest to change your job, it will be difficult for you to make changes if its environment brings you down so much,

Good news is that you are not as when you started your journey, you still have experience and knowledge, you just got lesson from life to not overestimate yourself and be humble and understand that you are not as unbreakable and experienced as you think, it is very important lesson and will come back to show your place many times if you do not learn to put your ego in place, so accept the fact that you have still allot to learn and this was good experience to show you that, no need to feel depressed because of it, accepting it and understanding that it was all ego will be huge step forward to get back to where you were. 

[ivory]

9 hours ago, Maccoy said:

and what did u do than ? did u came back . and how ? 

I found a therapist, learned everything I could about depression and anxiety, and continued to work on myself. I would recommend getting help. Finding your way out is very, very difficult. You almost have to do the opposite of what you think and want to do.

[MM1988]

@Maccoy See the newest video on ego backslash. Sometimes when we are on our lowest it can seem like nothing changed, that gets us to freak out and we guilt ourselves because the low moods are back again. Just push through it and wait it out. Try the sedona method for help with overwhelming emotions in the meantime or leos video about how to deal with strong negative emotions.

I wish you the best.

Edited December 13, 2018 by MM1988

[Maccoy]

13 hours ago, MM1988 said:

@Maccoy See the newest video on ego backslash. Sometimes when we are on our lowest it can seem like nothing changed, that gets us to freak out and we guilt ourselves because the low moods are back again. Just push through it and wait it out. Try the sedona method for help with overwhelming emotions in the meantime or leos video about how to deal with strong negative emotions.

I wish you the best.

i have watched it.  and i don't think it is just ego backlash. i am questioning my entire thinking and sometimes i question my sanity  .  what if all this ego and stuff is not true and we just made this in our mind and just believed in it ?  

also i think i might be building my ego this whole time ? and realizing this is what putting me down ? 

or maybe it is huge ego backlash . ?

or dark night of the soul ?  

i don' t know .

 

[ivory]

Common causes of depression include spiritual crisis (dark night), self-esteem issues, avoidance of responsibility (ego backlash), loss, life transition, chemical imbalance in the brain, or some combination thereof. This is why I recommend professional help to people who have been stuck in depression for a long time. It's hard to pinpoint the cause and the treatment.

 

Regarding my question about motivation, often times we will feel a false sense of self-esteem when our motives result from low self-esteem. So we try to cover up our shitty feelings with good ones, but this strategy is bound to fail because it's rooted in ego. I had experienced this and suspected it may be the same for you. But, honestly, I can't be sure what's true for you.

Edited December 14, 2018 by ivory

[Matt23]

I'm 26 as well and your story resembles mine.  On the brink, or feeling like it, of suicide and having immense anxiety and depressive episodes.  Lots of emotional "issues" and addictive behavior (eating).

If this was school, what would you say that you are supposed to be learning here?  What's the lesson?  What do you feel is necessary or calling you to do or look at?  What is your situation and why is it so difficult?  Describe it to yourself as clearly and factually as possible.  The environment, your thoughts, your emotions, your relationships, your habits, etc.

Sometimes I find asking questions and describing the situation helps me.

I would suggest letting go into the negative emotions and thinking as much as possible.  No resistance.  Dive into it.  That has helped me in the past and I've come out the other side thinking way more positively.  I've even heard accentuating the feeling or thinking is a way of getting control over it.  

Community and environment, for me, have also been really important.  Volunteering, working at outdoor lodges, intentional communities, school, maybe even going to church if you think that will bring you closer to feeling safer, more secure, understood, warm, etc.  

Practicing honesty and truth with myself and others is also something that has helped me.  Being vulnerable. 

Practicing loving-kindness can also help "disintegrate" negative emotions.  I start with thinking of a picture that makes me emotional and brings the feeling of love.  Then I focus on it and try to maintain and grow it as much as possible.  It often melts away any negative feelings or reduces them significantly.  It's especially helpful when I don't know what else to do.  

Being creative in any way.

And Nature!  That's been a savior for sure.  Forest bathing.  Taking mindful forest walks.  Listening to birds and sounds.  Looking at the trees and leaves.  

Exercise.  What exercise can you do?

Simply ideas and suggestions.  

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 12/13/2018 at 5:54 AM, Maccoy said:

i am afraid i can develop an addiction and it might be worth than  . 

Addiction to the medication?

[Nahm]

On 12/11/2018 at 6:48 AM, Maccoy said:

Guys. i dont know what  to say. i just need help . i think  i am going crazy and i cant deal with it alone. 

i was in serious depression about 4 years ago . than i found actualized . org. and i started to build up myself.  and i did. i thought i will never go to depression again. and now it came back even harder. cause i dont know what else can i do. i though my psychology was strong but it seems it isnt. i think that this years of work was pointless ?  i think everything is over and i cant help myself now. i cant even meditate . my mindfulness skills and my ideas and everything is gone.   life that i was dreaming and seeing in my mind is over.   

what can u say about my situation. have anyone been here after all this work ? and have anyone dealt with it ? 

thanks for reading. 

 

On 12/14/2018 at 5:26 AM, Maccoy said:

i have watched it.  and i don't think it is just ego backlash. i am questioning my entire thinking and sometimes i question my sanity  .  what if all this ego and stuff is not true and we just made this in our mind and just believed in it ?  

also i think i might be building my ego this whole time ? and realizing this is what putting me down ? 

or maybe it is huge ego backlash . ?

or dark night of the soul ?  

i don' t know .

 

You’re right!!!!!! You get it - allow some confidence in it bro, cause you are exactly right. 

“Be like melting snow, wash yourself of yourself.”

”This place is a dream, only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.”

-Rumi

Everything you’ve ever thought and felt is exactly correct, and perfect in it’s communication to you:

Continue to believe you are temporary and the world is real, and you will struggle & suffer. 

See, rather, accept, you are eternal, and all the world a dream and you will live in peace.

 

We all have our “lines”, you know? There had to, at least initially, be a script, see?

Dark Night: “Wait. Wait a minute. I’ve been lying to myself, this whole time?” “There was never really anything to worry about?”

Ego Backlash: “Don’t believe that shit, you’re nothing without me!!!”

Maccoy: “I understand now. I just love you.”

[Maccoy]

I don't know guys. Now I am thinking that this enlightenment stuff is bullshit. I think that I have gone too far.  I want to live a normal life now but I can't do it anymore cause nothing matters to me Anymore. I was committed to this actualized.org way an now I think I have made mistake and I kind of regret .  And if this way is false I don't know what way to follow than.  I wish right now that I have not known all this stuff. Cause my mind is telling me that I have gone crazy. I think leo might be crazy too. Maybe he has believed all kind if stuped stuff using psychedelics and all this theory And now I have done it also. Cause u can believe whatever u want under this substances. 

And this thought that I have gone crazy and that I have fucked up my life is always in my mind.  And it is growing and growing. And I am afraid where it might lead. And I can't stop it. I don't know how to live anymore.

I can't even say to therapist what is wrong with me. I think he will not understand all this nonduality stuff and will think I am crazy and will give me some drugs. 

I can't say what is wrong with me to my parents and brother and friends cause I was alone in this work. Thay already though I was going crazy with souch meditation and non dual work. And they might be right. 

And I don't see any way how can I come out of it. 

So I am here. Daubting meditation. Non dual work. My growth. Leo.  This way. Enlightenment. My sanity. 

Hopeless. Have lost interest in everything. Afraid of staying alone. Afraid of thinking.  Ally values, meanings , purpose have gone. 

It seems I am falling in darchness deeper and deeper and no one is helping me. And that no one really can help me. And I can't help myself  eather. I think it will just get worth and darcker and at some point i might end this suffering.