Spiral

Male friends

17 posts in this topic

I've or a long time had a preference for female friends for a variety of reasons, but I've decided to expand my horizons and start to get some male friends. I've for some time had some for party purposes, but as I'm sure you can imagine people who you only party with are not the most meaningful friendships.

These are somethings I've noticed:

1. Guys spend 80% of their time talking about girls in some way, pickup or sex or their ex or a girl the like or whatever.Now if we have to talk about something else of course we will do that most of the time, but when are just hanging out for the sake of hanging out. Now sure I can talk about girls to some extend, but the point at least for me was to kind of have something unrelated to girls.

  • A study friend, always asks when we meet, how thing are going with which ever girl he saw me hanging out with last. Hinting that he wants to know whether or not I've gotten some "action". Now I get it, but it's gets old very fast. I get a feeling he is having problems with girls yet for some reason he wants to impress me by showing me some chat he had with some girl or whatever. 
  • When out with my party friend he is always talking about "how to get some pussy"(to use the words, he uses). Now that's fine, I don't hang out with him that much and we can pull some fun stuff with the ladies. The problem is outside a party, he is almost always on about how to get girls or making jokes about girl related topics.

2. I've also noticed that guys are very.... I wouldn't call it competitive but it's like they need to show off or fight for some reason. Prove their worth might be a good way to put it. Had a guy hit me quite a lot for talking to his crush, I did not even know he liked her and we were not friends.

3. Also guys in many cases have a poor view of girls,  it's ridiculous, being all like "girl are only useful for sex" or whatever. I think that's kind of sad.

4. Lastly, whats with guys being afraid of other guys? I'm not big and muscular but very often guy show fear or at least keep their distance if I meet them in a corridor. Now I've not hurt anyone or even talked to these guys but they are like inherently afraid of me. If it was some really nerdy insecure guy fine maybe he is like that with a a lot of people, but it can be really "popular" guys with lots of other friends and success with girls.  If I have a chat with them, normally this thing goes away, but find I find it strange.

Now yes sure I'm not the pickiest guy when it come to male friends but, the world of male friendship is not my strongest area of expertise. I was primarily raised by a single mother and no siblings but 3 stepsisters and mostly female friends growing up. Don't really have any stereotypically male hobbies.

Do you have have any tips for how to create male friendships and/or improve the once you already have?

Edited by Spiral
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You can't be enlightened, no one can.;)

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I think like with every friendship: try to get high conciousness ones with overlaping values and hobbys. 

These male issues should then fade away.

 

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@Shroomdoctor Yes I do agree, this is absolutely the case. But unlike girls I can't just like approach them and flirt and tease them for obvious reasons (unless they are gay). So I mean how to do I engage a potential a high consciousness man?

Now I've tried to use guys unwavering interested in girls to my advantage by inviting them to hang out with us later and this way get their contact info, but this I've found is not to be very sustainable. Because the very often hang out with us and fail at getting the girl and then we never hear from him again or he gets lucky and then we never hear from him again xD.

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You can't be enlightened, no one can.;)

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Option A: Meetups/Aktivities - I personaly find it hard to find the right meetups. But there you've got it easy because people are often there to meet people.

 

Option B: "Hey you seem nice. I want to get to know you..." - The problem with this is, in my opinion, that it is hard to spot "high consciousness" people just by looks.

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@Shroomdoctor Yeah that's a good idea ^_^ I'll try that.

Edited by Spiral
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You can't be enlightened, no one can.;)

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@Spiral From your post, it seems like you aren't at peace with your masculine ego. Your ego is different from most other guys. That can make it hard for you to find male friends. To find male friends you would have to have more in common with them. I don't think every guy thinks girls are only useful for sex. I think they just have a desire to have sex. Why don't you embrace your masculinity while keeping your consciousness high? 

 

 

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@Deep Regarding "sexism" I did not mean everyone, just to a surprisingly high degree. That was a extreme example, I quoted from my neighbor, there are more subtle ways as well.

What's my masculine ego? Do you mean my masculine side? I don't really think i'm particularly girl-like, I too like sex but it's not a priority for me. If I want to get laid I don't need to work for it because of the way my social life works.

I'm not particularly emotional or indecisive either but, yes I barely have anything in common with most guys in regards to hobbies. Sports and video games bore me, do like whisky though. I work out, I study IT. I'm not saying i'm masculine or not. Some girls think i'm really masculine some think I'm really feminine.

On the more feminine I suppose I do like to get cozy with a blanked and cuddle up with a female friend/girlfriend of mine and watch a movie, without any intentions of sex (most of the time B|)

Seems to me like lots of guys care a lot about this, I don't really see why.

How would one embrace their masculine side?

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You can't be enlightened, no one can.;)

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6 hours ago, Spiral said:

How would one embrace their masculine side?

You are masculine. What I said earlier was wrong. 

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Dude the way your approaching this is creepy. By trying to make guys like you and be your friend your manipulating them and being disingenuous. Notice that you're avoiding telling the guy that you are trying to engage him and become friends if he meets your criteria. This is similar to Leo's critique of the pickup community when he says that Pua's avoid telling the girl that theyre trying to pick them up or that they are using certain techniques/methods on them. To answer your question of how do you engage a man. There isnt right or wrong way to do it. Theres only a right or wrong way if you have an agenda which would imply that your using this person as a means to an end. The solution is to just be honest with people. Instead of trying to hide the fact that you wanna be friends, just be authentic with it. Pragmatically, socialize with the guys at activities and events that you go to. That would be something similar between you that you can relate with. 

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@Spiral

This is funny to me because I've almost always found myself with a disproportionate amount of guy friends over girl friends. Sports, fraternity, etc. Maybe we can balance each other out ;)

I recognize a lot of the issues you bring up in guys I've known. The excessive jealousy, competitiveness and chest beating can definitely be signs of lower consciousness in a certain context.

But any problem always starts with you. You are El Hefe, The Godfather and The King of your world.

So if you want to start making friends with guys who are a bit higher up the scale, bring yourself there first.

Only then are you likely to make those kind of relationships. We attract what we are.

That's the macro solution.

On the micro, I would say your best bet is finding some sort of hobby that guys gravitate towards.

I know you say you're not a stereotypical manly man but it doesn't have to be football. It could be hiking or running or surfing. As long as its a sport and not named yoga, you'll find dudes.

Side note, this is the first time on this forum I've helped a guy meet other guys. Usually they want to meet chicks. Must be this Mercury Retrograde going on or something ;)

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@Deep Ok, although I don't you completely on the wrong track. 

@tyler7415 That's absolutely a fair point.

@aurum Are you saying I'm egoic? ;)  no but, yeah hobbies is definitely one of the things I should work on.  Better step up my meditation gains too. Maybe you have helped a guy making friends, by which he meant male friends^_^.  

A lot of people in my life are unfamiliar with this and female friends does bring a lot of unwanted drama, feelings and jealousy.

 

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You can't be enlightened, no one can.;)

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@Spiral

Hello.. You are about to explore are very rich field. Read 'David Deida - The Way of the Superior Man'. This book is way more open minded than the title suggests.

Some Questions of mine:

1. I know straight girls with only guy friends. Why do you need guy friends in the first place?
2. What is your ideal of a masculine man? Many man talk about sex and pickup to show off - or even just for fun. But there are other man out there who don't do this.
3. Is what you say of men real or is it just a believe? For example: That 'talk about sex thing' is something that I observe everywhere - not exclusive in a circle of masculine men.

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@Spiral

I've found that the men I've made friends with at bars are exactly as you described. Lonely motherfuckers. Drunk and always drinking too much types. And others who appear to be so desperate they're willing to rape if they think they can get away with it.  And you're also right that these friendships don't last.  They'll switch bars, become regular somewhere else, or just ditch you if they feel you're cutting in on the competition, don't buy enough rounds or drink as much as they do.

My guy friends at work we like to talk about financial investment strategy & gym workout.  I've got a friend working on being a triathlete so I always ask him about his workout routine & see if I can fit anything he's doing into mine.  We talk about diet, we talk businesses, stocks, our customers & technology.  We rarely talk about women!  LOL.  That's because just about every guy I know at work is married with kids & they're not out to destroy their marriages.  Some guy friends at work will want to talk about politics too.

Then you have your old-school friends from high school or college.  They'll want to talk about the stuff we covered in that time: rock music, guitarists, guitar playing, bands coming into town, or just hanging around & talking nostalgically about something.

And then you have the braggart friends that you don't hear from very often, but they will text you by phone to rub their latest successes in your face.  And you treat them like trash in kind.  They never leave forever, so I just have to figure they're a friend of some sort.

About 5 years ago, I found myself in your position, trying to make too many female friends.  When I read David Deida's book, I realized on the spot that I wasn't doing enough shit with my dude friends!    I also read The Way of Men & brought myself back into my manliness.  The Art of Manliness is also a good site you should check out to bring yourself back to your male center.  Working out, breaking through barriers, accepting challenges, grunting, & sweating are what guys do.  And if you have a dick, you're one of us, even if you feel frail as a flower.  You can still turn it all around. haha. :)  Maybe you'll never be able to deadlift 500 lbs (like me, I definitely can't and never will..lol), but it wouldn't stop me from weight training, aspiration, & enjoying it that another man can do it.

Maybe if you can turn your mind towards a manly perspective, you'll get more male friends & not just the ones that talk about the punani all the time.  Women are the reward given for being a great man after all.

 

Edited by smd
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20 hours ago, supremeyingyang said:

@Spiral

Hello.. You are about to explore are very rich field. Read 'David Deida - The Way of the Superior Man'. This book is way more open minded than the title suggests.

Some Questions of mine:

1. I know straight girls with only guy friends. Why do you need guy friends in the first place?
2. What is your ideal of a masculine man? Many man talk about sex and pickup to show off - or even just for fun. But there are other man out there who don't do this.
3. Is what you say of men real or is it just a believe? For example: That 'talk about sex thing' is something that I observe everywhere - not exclusive in a circle of masculine men.

1. Well, I don't really get the intellectual conversations I want from girls. Sure girls can talk about relationships and friendships and feelings to a great degree but in my experience not more theoretical things.

2. For me masculinity is all about being ground in one self and confidence.

3. It's something I've observed in my age group (18-23), that does not mean it objectively true. That has just been my experience.

I have listen to the first half of that book, and yes I held some insight but it felt like he repeatedly said same thing over and over again.

@smd  They are lonely yes, drinking to much, well some of them. I can imagine this is what will become of them when they can older. 

I do think age does play a big factor here,  these guys you describe have more things going on and might even have a girlfriend/wife. So there is lots of other things to talk about, most guy where I live are single, some are good with girls some are not. It doesn't really matter in the end.

Now yea I've had a conversation about stocks with one of them, but I was very brief and only once. If I bring it up now then it's just "it's going good, bought some stuff sold some stuff, you know the basics" 

Girls are not a reward! That's a problematic mind set you have. I see myself as a reward, although that is also to some degree problematic:D

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23 hours ago, Spiral said:

1. Well, I don't really get the intellectual conversations I want from girls. Sure girls can talk about relationships and friendships and feelings to a great degree but in my experience not more theoretical things.

2. For me masculinity is all about being ground in one self and confidence.

3. It's something I've observed in my age group (18-23), that does not mean it objectively true. That has just been my experience.

@smdI have listen to the first half of that book, and yes I held some insight but it felt like he repeatedly said same thing over and over again.

Comments to your Answers

1. This is a limiting believe. There are out there; If not at your class then at the campus. If not at the campus then in internet..

2. Do you have a spiritual understanding of masculinity? Read 'The Way of Man', this'll give your study more depth. In short: Competition is the core of masculinity.

3. Fair enough.

 

 

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I think a lot of the time the preference for which sex to be with comes down to which sex finds your way of attachment socially acceptable. Is it for example the arrogance of men or oversensitivity of women. I'm just generalazing.

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@Spiral Lately, the talking craze at work is about bitcoin.  I was the one that brought the topic to work because of others talking about how they've been able to turn $2000 into $100k on the markets when they were younger.  And now there's a lot of resistance towards this new tech & I'm trying to understand it better.

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