Serotoninluv

Moments

52 posts in this topic

I'm learning that when the mind-body deeply relaxes, new realms are revealed. Last night during Yin Yoga my mind-body went deeper and deeper into relaxation. It seemed like I was fully relaxed, yet then some body spots further relaxed. A stray thought dissolved. Micro tensions I would normally be unaware of melted. And then pure energy was present. I've been *trying* for about six months to get in touch with "energy" dynamics. In this deeply relaxed state the energy surfaced. Then things transformed into a "paranormal" realm. My hands started getting tingly sensations. The yoga teacher says if you start tingling, you have gone too deep and need to pull back. The pose was so perfectly perfect and there was disappointment I needed to pull out of it. Then the tingly energy in my hands transformed into a warm sensation - as if I was holding a cup of hot chocolate. This caught my attention as an odd happening and it seemed like it was ok to stay in the pose. Here is the odd part. . . there was a knowing that "you did that". This was a different frequency than I'd ever been in tune with. Attention was brought back to my hands and the warming energy transformed back into tingly energy with a knowing that "I did that". Usually, my mind-body would be too pre-occupied to observe this. . .  Then mind-body became one entity and transformed the energy back to warm. And then to tiny pops of energy, then flares of energy, then swirling energy. Then the exploration began. . . 

-- I noticed a muscle in the body that started to spasm and cramp. Rather than moving to relieve it, attention was directed to it and transformed the energy to a slight burning energy and then willed it to relax. 

-- The body started getting cold and shivering. The shiver energy was transformed to a type of soothing energy and the body was no longer cold or shivering.

-- The body became hollow. There were no organs, bones etc. Deep breaths filled the hollow cavity.

-- Breath was directed to body parts to relieve tension.

-- Body parts were massaged

-- Muscles were willed to totally relax so tension in tendons and ligaments could be dissolved

-- I went deeper and deeper into a back bend. What normally would have been pain and discomfort was transformed into a neutral packet of energy. I realized I was bent waaaaay further than I ever have. Then I realized I could tear tendons, ligaments and muscles without feeling "pain". I didn't even know if tearing body parts in the bend.

-- During savasana, all the energy dynamics throughout the body were integrated into one whole. It felt so amazingly healthy.

There was a consciousness participating in all of this. Transforming the mind-body. Afterwards, I spent the next hour stunned. "What just happened?". What an amazing exploration.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A thought experiment:

Imagine you will be asked a trivia question. If you answer correctly, you win a billion dollars. Yet if you answer incorrectly, you lose everything you own - your house, car, job, clothing - everything. So you don’t want to guess. You are on national TV in front if millions of viewers. Here it comes. . . 

Is a gablish a tecklit of a fromwik?

What comes to mind? Would you go blank? Be confused? 

You are stumped because there is an abscence of meaning. It doesn’t have meanng, yet that doesn’t mean it’s meaningless. There is simply an absence of meaning (I made the words up). Therefore, the answer is not “yes”, nor is the answer “no”. It is neither yes or no. (Or both yes and no).

Our human minds are conditioned to to assign meaning and think in opoosites: “it either is or is not”, “either yes or no”, “life is good, death is bad”.

If the mind does not assign meaning, there is absence of meaning. When faced with this, the mind wants to go to the other extreme and say it is meaningless. Yet neither is true. There is an absence of meaning. A haptid doesn’t have meaning nor is it meaningless, it never existed in your reality. You never assigned it meaning.

In nonduality we may say things like “enlightenment is one, yet also not one” or “the ego is an illusion, yet it also exists” or “everything arises from nothing” or “there is groundless ground”. 

These types of contradictions used to drive me crazy, until I let go of the mind’s obsession with assigning meaning and became comfortable with abscence of meaning. Then, I higher-order intuitive understanding arose. A nonverbal, nonconceptual knowing that I never knew existed. When I desired to assign meaning and explain verbally, I was never satisfied with an answer and was continually in seeking mode. Yet with this intuitive knowing, there is an abscence of either satisfaction or dissatisfaction because there is nothing to satisfy. There is just a knowing. Similiar to how you just know you want chocolate ice cream. It’s just a knowing that cannot be proven or explained. You just know you want chocolate ice cream.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

These types of contradictions used to drive me crazy, until I let go of the mind’s obsession with assigning meaning and became comfortable with abscence of meaning. Then, I higher-order intuitive understanding arose. A nonverbal, nonconceptual knowing that ai never new life existed. When I desired to assign meaning and explain verbally, I was never satisfied with an answer and was continually in seeking mode. Yet with this intuitive knowing, there is an abscence of either satisfaction or dissatisfaction because there is nothing to satisfy. There is just a knowing. Similiar to how you just know you want chocolate ice cream. It’s just a knowing that cannot be proven or explained. You just know you want chocolate ice cream.

 

I referred to Cynthia Bourgeault teaching about the Law of three and three centered awareness in my Journal. The phrase she actually uses is three centered knowing.

https://wisdomwayofknowing.org/resource-directory/three-centered-knowing/

 

One of my favorite Fourth Way Authors, Ocke de Boer uses the word Awareness often instead of knowing. He's also written a lot on how purifying the emotional center is what enables intuitive knowing is through a quiet purified emotional center. He puts it another way in one of his articles.

"To really feel others is a huge achievement.  Our feeling-centre needs to be speeded up for this. It needs to become healthy and independent. In most people the feeling-centre is a wounded animal in need for much attention. Because of these wounds they cannot even feel themselves, so to feel other creatures is very difficult for them. About this striving there is also a saying in esotericism: ‘If those above do not move up, then those below cannot move’. To understand this we need a healthy feeling-centre, a compassionate one. A healthy, independent and compassionate feeling centre is achieved by practicing the being-obligolnian-strivings, and it can therefore act from Conscience."

 

Are we talking about the same thing?  

 


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

how do you know you like chocolate icecream and how do you know how chocolate icecream has to taste? there is one chocolate icecream that has ruined every other chocolate icecream for you and has also ruined every other taste of icecream for you... because you think you know what chocolate icecream is, but instead you have a memory of chocolate icecream, it’s a chocolate icecream dream. you don’t even know yet how chocolate sorbet tastes because you always ever chose the milk version - for me there is only sorbet left but two weeks ago all sorbet was sold out, so what options does a vegan have craving for chocolate icecream? i went there only because i knew they had chocolate sorbet... it’s interesting, before i went vegan i always thought: why are there so many vegan alternatives that imitate meat or cheese? i mean there are enough asian alternatives or vegan alternatives that have always been vegan from the start, so what’s the problem? and today i know - if you know, you know, you will not forget what you have experienced so easily. there is a difference in granita di limone and lemon icecream and a difference in choco icecream and choco icecream but what you crave is the chocolate of chocolate it is the feeling where your tongue is melting into the icecold warmth of getting absorbed in a cloud of chocolate and the tongue and nose don’t even exist anymore because there is only melting left.

you don’t even know where the bean grew in the first place anymore - nor how it ever came to be mixed with the food of a cow baby. 

:ph34r: sorry so many projections.

Edited by now is forever

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. Yes, she is pointing in the right direction. It is still quite conceptual of various centers and how each functions. Yet, I think it is a great framework to develop post-intellectual modes of being. Yet, there comes a point in which one will develop beyond the conceptual framework. I liked how she describes exercises to develop nonverbal modes of being. I am currently developing these modes and I'm curious about her exercises. This is the type of are I think more and more humans will evolve into.

Regarding Ocke de Boer, I agree that we have "blockages" in emotional and intuitive connections with others. Yet, I wouldn't frame it like him. I sense and underlying themes of healthy, unhealthy, purification of the unpure etc. I like his underlying theme, yet I think his value-based judgements are on the personal level and weigh down the trans-personal realm back into the personal. I would rephrase it more like "noise". Imagine you are in a restaurant with a friend and there is a lot of background noise. This noise will interfere with your ability to communicate and connect with your friend. Is the background noise "healthy" or "unhealthy" - well no, it's neither. Is the background noise something we need to "purify"? Not really. I'd say it's just something we need to be aware of and how it is interfering with communication and connection. We may want to adjust our mode of conversation or move to a quieter location. I think Boer's approach will trigger responses at the personal level of what is "healthy" and "unhealthy". At the personal level, the mind has a huge amount of conditioning about "healthy/unhealthy", "good/bad", "pure/impure" etc. This just adds another layer of stuff a person has to work through. A second problem I see with this is that it becomes limited. I've had many "healthy" things that were distractions from higher evolution. For example, suppose the background noise was amazing jazz music. Is this "healthy" or "unhealthy"? It's not really either. It's "good" for the people listening to the music and "bad" for the people trying to converse and connect with each other.

After reading over her page, I'm now contemplating whether my post regarding opposites is limited to thinking. My sense is no. I think the intellectual mode is highly conditioned to think in opposites, yet these opposites are also operative in other modes. For example, while hiking in Sedona, I noticed Prickly Pear Cacti. They had beautiful "healthy" green cacti parts and ugly "unhealthy" degradation parts. At first glance there was an emotional attraction to the "healthy" green parts and an emotional repulsion from the "unhealthy" dying parts. No thoughts were needed. It was a purely emotional response due to mind-body conditioning. I later read a signpost that said the blackish dying parts were a collection of bacteria and fungi living in a symbiotic relationship with the Cacti. This relationship was important for the health of the larger symbiotic organism as well as the more expansive ecosystem. This totally shifted my emotional energetic system. There was no longer opposites. I know emotionally experienced one beautiful organism. I even got on my hands and knees to appreciate it's beauty.

How opposition relates to intuition is a much more difficult area for me to get in touch with. I do appreciate your link on intuition and I will work more in this area.

@now is forever Your comments about chocolate desires and conditioning gave me pause to contemplate. I can see how prior conditioning can influence an emotional desire. Now I'm not sure if the example I gave of desiring chocolate (without thought) is more on the emotional or intuitive frequency. It's much easier to distinguish the intellect from emotional and intuitive. Much harder to distinguish between emotional and intuitive. My sense is that yes, intuition would have a prior conditioning component, yet can also have a component independent of prior conditioning. It's more like being on a certain frequency of energy in the moment. My skills are more developed in this area, yet my gf is highly developed in this area. For example, last week we were driving on the highway. We were having a nice conversation and she suddenly said "Something is wrong ahead". I asked her what it was and she said she didn't know but it was really bad. We drove another ten minutes and saw traffic ahead. She then said "There was an accident and someone died". I asked how she knew this and she said she just does. Intuition or feeling or something. She started shaking and had needed to do deep breathing to settle her body down. About ten minutes later, we could see flashing lights of police cars and ambulance. Another 20 minutes later we see the car and it was absolutely demolished. You couldn't even tell it was a car. And it turns out the man in the car died. . .  How was she able to pick up "something is wrong ahead" before there was any indication that anything was wrong. There was no traffic or anything. The accident may not have even happened yet. What type of previous conditioning could have influenced this intuition. She does this a lot. She just picks up on vibes and knows stuff. It's like she has a 6th sense. Like she can "see" stuff other people can't. I'm well-developed in the empathetic mode and I can pick up on this ability of hers. Sometimes it makes me feel really uncomfortable, like she has a super-power and doesn't quite know how to use it. I get a little freaked out sometimes that she could shift into a nefarious mode.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

it is because synchronicity exists, you only ever understand that when you understand how coincidental it really is - if synchronicity and coincident fall together so perfectly how can it still be only coincidence? that’s where it’s getting highly irrational and where we sometimes think we loose our minds - because we don’t even know enough about what it really is.

did the person in the car really die? (this is only a projection, because i think of another car)

Edited by now is forever

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

5 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

 

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. Yes, she is pointing in the right direction. It is still quite conceptual of various centers and how each functions. Yet, I think it is a great framework to develop post-intellectual modes of being. Yet, there comes a point in which one will develop beyond the conceptual framework. I liked how she describes exercises to develop nonverbal modes of being. I am currently developing these modes and I'm curious about her exercises. This is the type of are I think more and more humans will evolve into.

 

Good deal. I'm glad you see a validity. I was really tickled when I discovered Leo referencing Ouspensky. It's amazing how many different paths that came about with the Human Potential Movement that began in the 50's and 60's that were influenced by Gurdjieff and Ouspensky. The link I pasted is a Christian Contemplative site in which a fair percentage (30-40% I'm guessing) are church goers. What you saw was her presentation of the overall ideas to this group. A lot of the reason for the generalization and brevity.

5 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

Regarding Ocke de Boer, I agree that we have "blockages" in emotional and intuitive connections with others. Yet, I wouldn't frame it like him. I sense and underlying themes of healthy, unhealthy, purification of the unpure etc. I like his underlying theme, yet I think his value-based judgements are on the personal level and weigh down the trans-personal realm back into the personal.

I took that quote of Ocke's out of context. He was reffering to the mostly shadow subconscious junk people have which are the basis for projections onto others, instead of surface level personal stuff. Ocke gives a non dual approach through a homey style of communicating. His books Higher Being Bodies and Two Souls are masterpieces in expressing the Gurdjieff Teaching buried in Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson. 

Ockes statement - "To really feel others is a huge achievement." Was a reffering to heart intuition and the psychological identifications that are deeply rooted which block it. His reffering to people as wounded animals is because of the reactivity that comes about out of people in deep and constant suffering. I used to be a complainer in a constant way and was completely blind to it. In remembering that period of life, I was very much like a wounded animal in being reactive to others like a hurt dog. With me, I think there is still a lot of deep fear based stuff that when churned up can turn me into 100% meachanical reaction. Or take the enneagram as a device for determining blindspot or chief feature as it's called in the Work,,,,, Really deep inner work that a person does themselves is what Ocke was reffering to. The Work on self required to move into the transpersonal.

6 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

fter reading over her page, I'm now contemplating whether my post regarding opposites is limited to thinking. My sense is no. I think the intellectual mode is highly conditioned to think in opposites, yet these opposites are also operative in other modes. For example, while hiking in Sedona, I noticed Prickly Pear Cacti. They had beautiful "healthy" green cacti parts and ugly "unhealthy" degradation parts. At first glance there was an emotional attraction to the "healthy" green parts and an emotional repulsion from the "unhealthy" dying parts. No thoughts were needed. It was a purely emotional response due to mind-body conditioning. I later read a signpost that said the blackish dying parts were a collection of bacteria and fungi living in a symbiotic relationship with the Cacti. This relationship was important for the health of the larger symbiotic organism as well as the more expansive ecosystem. This totally shifted my emotional energetic system. There was no longer opposites. I know emotionally experienced one beautiful organism. I even got on my hands and knees to appreciate it's beauty.

I very much agree and get the truth, of some of it, anyway. From Gurdjieff, I get through Ocke and Cynthia's articulation of the union of the opposites is through the ability to simply be a witnessing placeholder. But in that willingness for patience and the ability to endure the present moment with Impartiality that the "purely emotional response due to mind-body conditioning" you mention, comes into recognition. When I lived as a near constant emotionally suffering neurotic person, being impatient and reactive was so much a part of my software that I didn't see it because I WAS it.

Hope I didn't misconstrue something your wrote and I hope I made some sense in response.

I appreciated your thoughts and response.


"To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic." - A.H. Almaas

"We have to bless the living crap out of everyone." - Matt Kahn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I received a request to write about my emotional development and how it played out. . . 

For most of my adult life, I have been intellectually-centered. I've been very logical and preferred reasonable discussions. For example, my mind likes to figure things out and is quite analytical. This was very beneficial for success in my chosen field of science, yet I became off-balance. My intellect was running the show. It wanted to control the narrative. So when emotions arose, my mind would make sense of these emotions and create a story about it. For example, "I feel like this because. . . ".  I started meditating at a relatively young age (22y.o.) and by my late 20s, I was able to detach from many feelings as if I was an observer of them. In some aspects, this was helpful. I very rarely got angry. I very rarely lost my cool. Very rarely was I swept away in emotions and did things I regretted. In buddhist groups and support groups, I was completely comfortable discussing things like my vulnerability and fears. Yet this was from a detached intellectual view. For example, I might have shared about how a fear of rejection I had was blocking my development or ability to proceed further in a job. Yet this discussion was in the framework of the intellect and was expressed through the intellect. 

As well, I wasn't repressing emotions. I could experience emotions. I often felt very appreciative to others. I often felt compassion for others. I've always been sentimental and I would cry during sad movies. I spent time with people in distress. For example, I volunteered in a psychiatric unit with patients that were undergoing extreme emotional distress. I was able to sit and listen to them. I was aware of the so-called "emotional IQ" and I thought mine was pretty high. I was aware of a lot of emotions, I knew lots of theory about emotions and I could calmly discuss emotions. Yet again, in the intellectual realm.

What was missing was being able to communicate through the emotional mode of being and being able to connect to others in the emotional realm. This goes waaay back into childhood. I was raised in a family that did not directly express emotions or directly connect through emotions. For example, my father loved me and wanted the best for me - yet never really expressed that directly. The expression of love was always indirect. For example, he would plan a birthday dinner for me to express his love. When I graduated with my doctoral degree he expressed his pride in me through a gift. I do believe he had emotions for me, yet was incapable of expressing it directly. There was never intimacy. We never had a heart-to-heart talk. He never said "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" directly. "Love you" was a throwaway line at the end of phone conversations to say goodbye. We never connected directly through love. When I was in my 30s, I wrote a heartfelt letter to my father telling him about how he was a good role model and how much of my success in life was due to character traits he helped instill in me, like discipline and hard work. I thanked him and said I loved him. . . Years later, my mom brought up that letter to me and said I have no idea how deeply it touched my father. She had never seen anything have that effect on him. . . You see, my dad grew up in an abusive home. His father abandoned him as a boy. His mother was distant and he was an only child. He dreamed of starting a family and giving his children everything he never got. Yet, he never learned how to communicate and connect on an emotional level. The only emotions he expressed directly to me were anger, frustration and disappointment. Hundreds of times he would say how angry and disappointed he was in me, yet never did he say "I love you" with emotion. While spanking me, he would say "I'm doing this because I love you". But that doesn't count. His true love was always expressed indirectly.

So here I was, aware of lots of emotions with an intellectual understanding. Looking back, here are a few wake-up calls I never quite got:

1. My girlfriends would often say that they were uncomfortable expressing their emotions to me. They often said I would try to "fix" things and go into thinking mode. Many times they would say things like "I don't want you to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. I just want to experience the emotion". Yet, I kept going into intellectual mode and could not just sit there and experience emotions with her.

2. Several girlfriends also told me that they felt like they were being analyzed by me when we were together. This is true, I was hyper-analytical. For example, I was traveling through airports with a gf and she seemed upset, yet didn't want to talk about it. I was trying to figure out what was wrong and evaluate her behavior. I couldn't just let her be upset, or connect/communicate on an emotional level.

3. My lack of emotional communication further interfered with relationships. Many times, a gf would blow up and start talking about how upset she was over something. For example, that I had been working into the evening every night and she doesn't feel like she is important. As and intellectual, I found this absurd "Why didn't you just tell me? Why don't you use your words to tell me?". What I couldn't see was that I was totally disconnected from her emotionally for the prior several weeks. If I could communicate emotionally, I would have known what was going on without her telling me. This became a theme in my relationships - that women are emotional beings that can't express their emotions in a reasonable discussion. What didn't occur to me was that I was unable to communicate/connect emotionally.

4. For several years, my students would write evaluations of me with comments like "The professor is highly intelligent, yet he is incapable of relating and having a real discussion with another human being". This triggered defense mechanisms in me, yet I knew there was some truth in it.

4. During a meditation retreat, I was in a private room one-one-one with my teacher. During the mediation, the nature of emotions was arising and I once again was trying to figure them out. After I went on and on for a while, I stopped and there was silence. My teacher looked at me and said "What is missing is the connection. You are holding the plug and can see the outlet. Yet you cannot connect plug to outlet. Thus, the energy cannot flow through". This made me speechless. I knew there was something deep for me there, yet I just didn't get it and I had no idea how one would actually put the plug in the outlet. What I didn't understand at the time is. . . it is not an intellectual thing you figure out. It is a different mode of being, expression and connection.

I started to realize that I was pretty much an analytical head walking around and I was missing out on a lot of life. Over the past few years, I have spent a lot of time developing emotional, empathetic and intuitive modes of being. This is where the juice of life is. For example, a few years ago I started learning Spanish. This is my first foreign language. I was hyper-analytical about grammar, rules and proper Spanish. I was in Honduras one time analyzing an inconsistency in the grammar rules that I thought must have clarification. My teacher became exasperated and finally said something to the effect of "You know what? You are right and I'm not sure how that grammar came about. Yet guess what? You aren't learning Spanish. It's more about the sentiment of communication. Look over there at that woman. She arrived here the same day you did and didn't know a word of Spanish. Look how she is communicating with native Spanish speakers". I looked over and this woman was helping the staff cook. She looked nearly fluent. She was so at ease and fluid. She laughed and used her body. She was communicating through broken Spanish, emotion and intuition. It was beautiful. I had studied Spanish for a year before this trip and wasn't even close to the level she attained in four weeks. Then it clicked "It's about the sentiment". And there are many ways to express sentiment. Verbally, intellectually, emotionally, emphatically, intuitively. My trip completely changed. I spent months traveling through central and south america. Being limited to intermediate-level Spanish was a gift, because I could work on other communication and connection modes. Modes I had never developed. These travels were all about human connection. I lived with local families and bonded with them on a human level that included the intellect, emotion, empathy and intuition.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On 3/19/2019 at 0:43 PM, Serotoninluv said:

I received a request to write about my emotional development and how it played out. . . 

For most of my adult life, I have been intellectually-centered. I've been very logical and preferred reasonable discussions. For example, my mind likes to figure things out and is quite analytical. This was very beneficial for success in my chosen field of science, yet I became off-balance. My intellect was running the show. It wanted to control the narrative. So when emotions arose, my mind would make sense of these emotions and create a story about it. For example, "I feel like this because. . . ".  I started meditating at a relatively young age (22y.o.) and by my late 20s, I was able to detach from many feelings as if I was an observer of them. In some aspects, this was helpful. I very rarely got angry. I very rarely lost my cool. Very rarely was I swept away in emotions and did things I regretted. In buddhist groups and support groups, I was completely comfortable discussing things like my vulnerability and fears. Yet this was from a detached intellectual view. For example, I might have shared about how a fear of rejection I had was blocking my development or ability to proceed further in a job. Yet this discussion was in the framework of the intellect and was expressed through the intellect. 

As well, I wasn't repressing emotions. I could experience emotions. I often felt very appreciative to others. I often felt compassion for others. I've always been sentimental and I would cry during sad movies. I spent time with people in distress. For example, I volunteered in a psychiatric unit with patients that were undergoing extreme emotional distress. I was able to sit and listen to them. I was aware of the so-called "emotional IQ" and I thought mine was pretty high. I was aware of a lot of emotions, I knew lots of theory about emotions and I could calmly discuss emotions. Yet again, in the intellectual realm.

What was missing was being able to communicate through the emotional mode of being and being able to connect to others in the emotional realm. This goes waaay back into childhood. I was raised in a family that did not directly express emotions or directly connect through emotions. For example, my father loved me and wanted the best for me - yet never really expressed that directly. The expression of love was always indirect. For example, he would plan a birthday dinner for me to express his love. When I graduated with my doctoral degree he expressed his pride in me through a gift. I do believe he had emotions for me, yet was incapable of expressing it directly. There was never intimacy. We never had a heart-to-heart talk. He never said "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" directly. "Love you" was a throwaway line at the end of phone conversations to say goodbye. We never connected directly through love. When I was in my 30s, I wrote a heartfelt letter to my father telling him about how he was a good role model and how much of my success in life was due to character traits he helped instill in me, like discipline and hard work. I thanked him and said I loved him. . . Years later, my mom brought up that letter to me and said I have no idea how deeply it touched my father. She had never seen anything have that effect on him. . . You see, my dad grew up in an abusive home. His father abandoned him as a boy. His mother was distant and he was an only child. He dreamed of starting a family and giving his children everything he never got. Yet, he never learned how to communicate and connect on an emotional level. The only emotions he expressed directly to me were anger, frustration and disappointment. Hundreds of times he would say how angry and disappointed he was in me, yet never did he say "I love you" with emotion. While spanking me, he would say "I'm doing this because I love you". But that doesn't count. His true love was always expressed indirectly.

So here I was, aware of lots of emotions with an intellectual understanding. Looking back, here are a few wake-up calls I never quite got:

1. My girlfriends would often say that they were uncomfortable expressing their emotions to me. They often said I would try to "fix" things and go into thinking mode. Many times they would say things like "I don't want you to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. I just want to experience the emotion". Yet, I kept going into intellectual mode and could not just sit there and experience emotions with her.

2. Several girlfriends also told me that they felt like they were being analyzed by me when we were together. This is true, I was hyper-analytical. For example, I was traveling through airports with a gf and she seemed upset, yet didn't want to talk about it. I was trying to figure out what was wrong and evaluate her behavior. I couldn't just let her be upset, or connect/communicate on an emotional level.

3. My lack of emotional communication further interfered with relationships. Many times, a gf would blow up and start talking about how upset she was over something. For example, that I had been working into the evening every night and she doesn't feel like she is important. As and intellectual, I found this absurd "Why didn't you just tell me? Why don't you use your words to tell me?". What I couldn't see was that I was totally disconnected from her emotionally for the prior several weeks. If I could communicate emotionally, I would have known what was going on without her telling me. This became a theme in my relationships - that women are emotional beings that can't express their emotions in a reasonable discussion. What didn't occur to me was that I was unable to communicate/connect emotionally.

4. For several years, my students would write evaluations of me with comments like "The professor is highly intelligent, yet he is incapable of relating and having a real discussion with another human being". This triggered defense mechanisms in me, yet I knew there was some truth in it.

4. During a meditation retreat, I was in a private room one-one-one with my teacher. During the mediation, the nature of emotions was arising and I once again was trying to figure them out. After I went on and on for a while, I stopped and there was silence. My teacher looked at me and said "What is missing is the connection. You are holding the plug and can see the outlet. Yet you cannot connect plug to outlet. Thus, the energy cannot flow through". This made me speechless. I knew there was something deep for me there, yet I just didn't get it and I had no idea how one would actually put the plug in the outlet. What I didn't understand at the time is. . . it is not an intellectual thing you figure out. It is a different mode of being, expression and connection.

I started to realize that I was pretty much an analytical head walking around and I was missing out on a lot of life. Over the past few years, I have spent a lot of time developing emotional, empathetic and intuitive modes of being. This is where the juice of life is. For example, a few years ago I started learning Spanish. This is my first foreign language. I was hyper-analytical about grammar, rules and proper Spanish. I was in Honduras one time analyzing an inconsistency in the grammar rules that I thought must have clarification. My teacher became exasperated and finally said something to the effect of "You know what? You are right and I'm not sure how that grammar came about. Yet guess what? You aren't learning Spanish. It's more about the sentiment of communication. Look over there at that woman. She arrived here the same day you did and didn't know a word of Spanish. Look how she is communicating with native Spanish speakers". I looked over and this woman was helping the staff cook. She looked nearly fluent. She was so at ease and fluid. She laughed and used her body. She was communicating through broken Spanish, emotion and intuition. It was beautiful. I had studied Spanish for a year before this trip and wasn't even close to the level she attained in four weeks. Then it clicked "It's about the sentiment". And there are many ways to express sentiment. Verbally, intellectually, emotionally, emphatically, intuitively. My trip completely changed. I spent months traveling through central and south america. Being limited to intermediate-level Spanish was a gift, because I could work on other communication and connection modes. Modes I had never developed. These travels were all about human connection. I lived with local families and bonded with them on a human level that included the intellect, emotion, empathy and intuition.

While I find your story very interesting, it seems like there isn't much meat to the story in regards to how you went from being a bit of a hard headed intellectual who was difficult to relate with, to someone who wanted to work on their emotional intelligence.  Was it really just a teacher saying 

"What is missing is the connection. You are holding the plug and can see the outlet. Yet you cannot connect plug to outlet. Thus, the energy cannot flow through"

I wouldn't think so because you were there in the first place with that teacher talking about emotions/spirituality, maybe there was some kind of spark before then?  Or did it really just take that one teacher to make you interested in emotionally connecting with people?  I think you have such an important story to tell where you were stuck in a mindset for a really long period of your life, but broke out of it when you got older.  There are a lot of people who are really stuck in this same mindset, and I'm curious what you think the biggest contribution to your kind of awakening to the importance of emotional intelligence and how that might be applied to other people.  How does one teach an old intellectual dog new tricks?

Edit:  I see that you mentioned the student evaluations, but maybe aren't specific in what role they played if any.  It sounds like you already knew what the student evaluations were telling you, and don't really tell us what really made you want to make that change you and the students were aware of

Edited by zambize

Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@zambize The underlying fuel was a yearning. A yearning for a "something" that I didn't quite know what is was or how to get it. Other people could see that yearning in me. Once I started getting a "taste" of that deeper emotional experience and connection, it became solidified. To do so, I had to relax the mind and surrender thought control of the narrative.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The human experience of emotion and timing. . . 

Last month, a student entered my office. I immediately could tell she was in turmoil. A mixture of self-doubt and frustration. She had failed the first two exams, yet was putting in a lot of effort. She pulled out notebooks full of notes - color-coded with many colors. She was spending hours a day studying was still failing. She didn't know whether to drop the course, change her career or what. She oscillated back and forth between frustration and tears. We decided to have private tutoring, just the two of us. My role was to tailor-fit teaching to her optimal learning style. And to recognize any blocks she had. Her role was to show up every week on time and be fully present (she has ADD issues). We both played our roles.

Last Friday was the next exam and . . . drumroll. . . she scored a 96%!!!! I have never seen a turn-around like that in my teaching career. This morning she came to my office to pick up her exam. I had been looking forward to giving it to her. She was super nervous. Whether or not she would drop this course came down to this exam. The stakes were high and I knew the result. I couldn't resist letting the suspense grow (since I already knew she aced the last exam), so I played it cool and took an extra minute or two to find the exam to let the anticipation build. . . 

As I handed her the exam, she reached out and I noticed her hand shaking as she reached for the exam. It was like she was radiating nervous energy. As I handed it to her, I smiled - a little bit at first then a big smile. She looked at her grade and there was a complete energy shift. . . there was a wave of relief and joy. I loved watching this. There was a moment in which there was no "her", there was no "exam", no "career", no "being good enough", no "what this means". There was a moment of nonduality in which simply joy existed. A few seconds past and then I blew it. . . I said "see what you are capable of?". Now, I meant this in the most empowering, loving, supportive way possible - yet it pulled her out of that beautiful nondual moment of pure joy into the story of "her". She popped back into the story line and the energy completely changed. I knew right away, that I spoke to soon. . . 

What I learned was to let that nondual magic just be. Flow with it. Let it swirl around the room like beautiful colors. Wait until her character reappears - and it would have. Eventually she would have popped back into character and said something like "Does this mean I could get a "B" in the course?" Or something like that. Then, I can play my role again and be supportive and empowering to her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

@zambize The underlying fuel was a yearning. A yearning for a "something" that I didn't quite know what is was or how to get it. Other people could see that yearning in me. Once I started getting a "taste" of that deeper emotional experience and connection, it became solidified. To do so, I had to relax the mind and surrender thought control of the narrative.

Well I'm glad you turned out the way you did.  I'm definitely going to continue to learn how to develop that yearning in other people, to show what an emotionally deep relationship can be like without making someone who hasn't had those relationships uncomfortable can be challenging.  When I joined this forums, I actually thought you were pretty wee-woo and stayed too far away from more logic oriented points, like over-compensating for your intellectual bias.  You seem to have really balanced it out recently at least from my limited perspective, I think it's cool that people can make changes even later in life.  Gets me excited for my journey.   Anyways, keep killing it, thanks for the reply <3


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@zambize Yes, I think my pendulum swung from hard-core logic to hard-core "woo woo" and then started to become balanced.

Yesterday, a student entered my office to "talk". His girlfriend is sensitive/empathic and seems to have some paranormal abilities, yet she occassionally drifts into places in which sinister beings and demons arise that try to possess her. Last week she had a traumatic incident and ended up in the hospital. He didn't know if all this was "real" or not. I didn't know whether she was in touch with other realms or whether this was psychosis and schizophrenic symptoms. We explored this together for three hours. At one point he said, "I can talk to people that are immersed in mysticism and I can talk to people immersed in science. Yet, you are the only one I know grounded in both mysticism and science". That made me smile. :) (yet I didn't spill the beans and show they are the same thing. . . )

Lately I've been thinking about training to become a Reiki Neuroscientist master. . . 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@zambizeare you an empath? You are great at connecting with people 

@Serotoninluvwow I’m amazed by the similarities I seem to share with you. Dad is the same way and new language proves the same challenge. I hear of people learning multiple languages and know I couldn’t possibly if I were to approach it logically. Man you are amazing having come so far I can’t help but feel my journey is very similar and in need of the sort of experiences you’ve shared 🙏❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
37 minutes ago, zambize said:

I doubt that's been done much in history Haha 

Well someone's gonna be the first, right?

My gf is a Reiki master and I have neuroscience training. The other day, she was describing how "energy" guides her to "places" in the body in which there are blocks. Then she uses energy to "massage" out blocks. To me, it sounded like a low-resolution, ambiguous energy guides her to a low-resolution place in the body. It occurred to me that her "map" was low resolution. I asked her, "what if you had a high resolution map of energy and body locations?". What if while you are practicing, we could create a high-resolution holographic image of a brain for you to use as a map? You would have a detailed map of high resolution energy and locations of blocks, so you could precisely go in there and "massage" the block away by guiding energy? Her eyes opened up and she gleefully said "That would be amazing!! Yes, yes, yes!! Can you do that for me?"

Now consider this scenario. . . Her son is partially blind and she has been using Reiki on him and some of his vision may be restored. She is looking into stem cell therapy. I have the map of what happens at the cellular level with the stem cells. I have the map where the stem cells need to go and what they need to do. She has the map of the energetic dynamics. What if we could combine these together? What if the stem cells could be implanted and she could use energy to help the stem cells, reach the desire location, differentiate properly and function properly? What if she could use energy to signal to the stem cells "Over here guys!!! C'mon over here!! The problem you need to fix is here". Perhaps she could help guide these stem cells.

Unfortunately, Reiki masters and neuroscientists are in two different camps and don't communicate. This is what gave me the idea of being a Reiki neuroscientist. If he does the stem cell treatment, I am going to try and draw her a map of what needs to happen at the cellular level to help her focus her Reiki energy.  I only know of one prominent scientist that would take this seriously: Deepak Chopra. And he has been marginalized from the scientific community. . . 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Well someone's gonna be the first, right?

My gf is a Reiki master and I have neuroscience training. The other day, she was describing how "energy" guides her to "places" in the body in which there are blocks. Then she uses energy to "massage" out blocks. To me, it sounded like a low-resolution, ambiguous energy guides her to a low-resolution place in the body. It occurred to me that her "map" was low resolution. I asked her, "what if you had a high resolution map of energy and body locations?". What if while you are practicing, we could create a high-resolution holographic image of a brain for you to use as a map? You would have a detailed map of high resolution energy and locations of blocks, so you could precisely go in there and "massage" the block away by guiding energy? Her eyes opened up and she gleefully said "That would be amazing!! Yes, yes, yes!! Can you do that for me?"

Now consider this scenario. . . Her son is partially blind and she has been using Reiki on him and some of his vision may be restored. She is looking into stem cell therapy. I have the map of what happens at the cellular level with the stem cells. I have the map where the stem cells need to go and what they need to do. She has the map of the energetic dynamics. What if we could combine these together? What if the stem cells could be implanted and she could use energy to help the stem cells, reach the desire location, differentiate properly and function properly? What if she could use energy to signal to the stem cells "Over here guys!!! C'mon over here!! The problem you need to fix is here". Perhaps she could help guide these stem cells.

Unfortunately, Reiki masters and neuroscientists are in two different camps and don't communicate. This is what gave me the idea of being a Reiki neuroscientist. If he does the stem cell treatment, I am going to try and draw her a map of what needs to happen at the cellular level to help her focus her Reiki energy.  I only know of one prominent scientist that would take this seriously: Deepak Chopra.

That would be awesome if something came out of that, especially for the kid

@DrewNows nothing paranormal unfortunately, just good intuition.  Thank you though, I'm glad you think so 

 


Comprehensive list of techniques: https://sites.google.com/site/psychospiritualtools/Home/meditation-practices

I appreciate criticism!  Be as critical/nitpicky as you like and don't hold your blows

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

@Serotoninluv I'm not sure if it is a 1 to 1 correlation, but if you haven't heard of neurofeedback I would look into it! As a fellow neuroscientist, this seems to be the closest thing we have to a combination of Reiki and neuroscience! :o:o

I enjoy the analogy that neurofeedback is like meditation with a mirror! It is still pretty new and expensive (fMRI), but the implications and future applications seem to be limitless with higher and higher resolution! 

Edited by Zetxil

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, Zetxil said:

@Serotoninluv I'm not sure if it is a 1 to 1 correlation, but if you haven't heard of neurofeedback I would look into it! As a fellow neuroscientist, this seems to be the closest thing we have to a combination of Reiki and neuroscience! :o:o

I enjoy the analogy that neurofeedback is like meditation with a mirror! It is still pretty new and expensive (fMRI), but the implications and future applications seem to be limitless with higher and higher resolution! 

Yes!! This is right up my alley! :)

For example, integrating some of Dr. Amen's work with neurofeedback with Reiki masters. 

This is an area I'd like to explore more. I'm going to see if I can get a grant for a quality EEG machine to use with students at my college. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@DrewNows I started watching some j. krishnamurti videos this week. Great stuff. Thanks for the suggestion! It really hits the spot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now