Sex Before/after Marriage? (non-religious)

[abgespaced]

@Shir

Your instinct to withhold until you find the right guy is very natural. It is actually a protective mechanism. 

Keep this in mind: if you choose right, you will be very strongly bonded (physically/chemically) to the first man you have sex with. Even if you part ways, you will always love him and will be emotionally attached to him for the rest of your life. This kind of love is what used to keep marriages together when sex happened within the marriage. 

Also know that the more men you have sex with the harder it will be for you to bond with subsequent lovers. You will forever remember the guys who gave you the hottest sex while secretly resenting the dutiful nice guy you eventually settle on. You see, marriage used to prevent such things from happening by making sure that you were pair bonded in the most chemically powerful way. This ensured that the highest expression of love happened within marriage, rather than marriage happening being the highest expression of love.

At the same time you also need sex! It is healthy, natural, feels great and balances all the chemicals in your body. And the best place to get lots of sex is within a relationship. 

it is up to you now to decide what you want!

[Emerald]

@Shir It's something that I can't personally relate to because I've always been a very sexually enthusiastic person. So, if I've fallen for a guy, I can't wait to express my sexual side to him. It feels very un-natural to me to hold back such a beautiful expression. But if abstaining from sex until marriage is what is authentic to you, then don't let fear lead you away from what is authentic to you. You will eventually find someone who is willing to honor that boundary. So, don't compromise if it's what you really want in your heart of hearts.

However, I would caution you that it's very easy to lie to yourself on this matter, as the sex drive is a very powerful and deep human need that looks for subconscious outlet for expression if it can't be met directly. So, if you have put a lot of energy into the "virgin until marriage" idea, then you could very well deceive yourself that abstaining from sex is right for you when it really isn't, thus making you either monumentally unhappy or subconsciously seeking other outlets to have those needs met. Deep down, you will already know if you're feeling and thinking these things if this is the case for you. So, you should also be mindful not to let fear lead you away from what's authentic if sex is what you truly desire with your partner. Don't waste your life trying to be perfect. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Also, what's even worse, is you could deceive yourself into believing you're ready to settle down with a guy... but subconsciously you really just want to have sex with him as soon as it is acceptable according to your rules. So, be very careful.

And to make things clearer for yourself, I recommend letting go of false and limiting beliefs regarding sex and relationships. For example, let go of the belief that sex equals disrespect to the self. There is no inherent connection between sex and self-respect until you believe that there is. And this is true, even if society says otherwise. This is an added meaning that just muddies the waters. Also, let go of the belief that sex is such a big deal that it changes everything. Once you have sex, you will find that it's just another part of life. The media tends to make sex out to be more than it is. Your relationship will be mostly the same even after you have sex. Also, you will lose no personal value if you end up having sex before marriage. There is nothing to be lost there, even if society imagines that there is. And if you have a bad first time, it may hurt for a little while but then it will just become another experience. Life will go on. And it doesn't mean that you won't be able to make a deep connection with someone else in the future. Also, one of the biggest burdens that I let go of was thinking of things in terms of "the right one." There are tons of "right ones" out there. And it's very normal to have sex.

Biologically speaking, sex in the first few months of a relationship is designed to bond you to the other person. It's the heat of the newness of the relationship that creates the chemical reaction. Then, things naturally cool off and give way to a deeper but less intense love that is more long-lived. So, I see sex as part and parcel to the process of cultivating a new relationship. And you will know when it is the right time to do it, if you let go of your limiting beliefs and unnecessary burdens. And for you, it might be waiting for marriage. But it might also be a few weeks after you and your partner get together. Just follow your intuition and instincts and let them guide you. Don't let fear guide you.

Edit: I scanned back through the thread and noticed many times that you referred to being a "proud virgin." It's okay to be happy about your choices. But when it comes to personal identity, labeling yourself as anything will always distort things. There will be parts of yourself, your thoughts, and emotions that undermine the identity of "proud virgin", and that is where the self deception really begins. The ego will try to protect this identity by repressing and ignoring what is actually authentic to you, and make you think you want certain things when you really don't... or don't want things when you actually do.

There is also a subtle judgment of "not being like everyone else" projected out over people who do hook-ups and seeing them as sullying themselves somehow. But these meanings are created by you entirely. And it's these internal judgments and external judgments of what's "good" and "bad" that makes this issue so stressful and unclear for you. If you examine and dismantle these beliefs, you will have more clarity and peace relative to the topic of sexuality. Remember, you don't lose any self-worth if you decide to have sex. It doesn't make you lesser or bad in any way. You wouldn't be able to call yourself the "proud virgin" anymore. But this is just an empty label anyway. It's nothing to sacrifice your authenticity for. You are far more important and beautiful than any label.

So, after having read your posts, my brutally honest perception is that you're only abstaining from sex until marriage because you think it adds value to you to do so, and would take value away from you to have sex before marriage. It seems that you have some moral judgments about people who engage in sex outside of a relationship. So, you probably constructed the identity of the "proud virgin" so that you don't have to judge yourself in the way that you judge others and so you then pushed yourself to the opposite extreme.  So, my advice is to stop carrying the heavy burden of the title "proud virgin" and really find out what's authentic to you. When all is said and done, there won't be anyone there to judge you except for you. Be kind to yourself. Grant yourself a little innocence in your instincts.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Emerald

[ajasatya]

@Shir marrying someone you don't even know sexually (and who doesn't even know you sexually) is a HUGE trap. sexual chemistry is a mysteriously rare thing.

and you want to marry before getting to know yourself sexually. this is an EVEN BIGGER trap. your protective mind might be thinking "but i know myself sexually". no you do not. and you won't know yourself sexually until you experience yourself with an intimate partner. dirty talks, dirty reads, dirty thoughts, porn and masturbation are thousands and thousands miles away from what you really need in order to understand your deepest sexuality.

if you get attached easily, THAT'S an emotional issue that should be addressed with utter priority. this behavior comes from a series of beliefs that make your life less graceful and enjoyable.

[ajasatya]

On 9/10/2017 at 0:41 PM, Shir said:

I promise you that when I do have sex, no one would be able to tell if I was a virgin or not. I know what I want EXACTLY, what I desire and what I crave from a partner. Just because I'm not out there acting all slutty about it, doesn't make me any less of a person than any other experienced women.

oh wow, i just read those things you said.

if you think that a social contract is necessary to live a happy intimate life, get ready for your biggest heartbreaks ever.

it works the other way around. a happy intimate life is necessary for a social contract.

this is the funny part about human suffering: when your life is driven by the fear of suffering, that's when you suffer the most!

[Shin]

I'm sexually active for a year, and I still don't know myself sexually ...
If you knew what you want, you wouldn't ask on this forum, and certainly not about this topic.
You don't have to be all "slutty" to get to know yourself sexually, just don't repress it if something happens, and definitely get to know more people of the opposite sex. 

A contract is a piece of paper, or a mental note, it means nothing and achieve nothing.
My uncle and aunt never married, still they never separate and raised 2 really adorable and smart child.

[The Monk]

@Shir Firstly, no man is going to ever fulfill you, were are not living in the airy fairy movie where you need to have a second half to you, you're not ready for a relationship until you realize you don't need one. Also, do you really need that quick fix of stimulating sex or can you be happy without it? If the answer is no, then I'm sorry, but you then there should be a real urgency for you to restructure your life. 

Also, this is a great opportunity for growing yourself, as you can be mindful of the urge to have sex (this means you observe it but don't judge it), and overtime it will go away .

Sex can a very intimate way of expressing ones one true love to another you authentically love, or just a desperate, neurotic, needy love in which you are seeking salvation and fulfillment from external sources that later turns to pain. Which one of these it is, is known only to you. Make your decision about what to do dependent of that.

Good Luck! Regardless of the path you take. 

 

[YaNanNallari]

Giving something doesn't mean you're giving away and losing something. In love you give and receive. Giving can make you feel capable, strong and alive. It can be something you really want to do. Even if you wouldn't really gain anything from it.

Maybe consider it towards yourself. Would giving yourself something be losing something? Because it's not that different with other people.

Also it can be just a planted idea in your head that giving is something bad and you should hold back. Overall I hope you can see how it is just an idea and an opinion that you wouldn't like to have sex before commitment. I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable with someone right away though, I wouldn't be either, and it's not wrong or right to wait. It's your choice and your consequences. There must be a good connection and trust first. The better loving connection you have with yourself the easier it is to have with others. It's also easier to recognize who are compatible with you once you love yourself.

It could be that you're afraid of attachment. That's a real thing to fear. People waste a lot of time very complacent "in love". Thing is that you will never learn to deal with it or get into a relationship if you won't deal with it or face it. Meditating enough can bring you over it by itself but you can also work on it more directly. Love the side of you that wants to be attached. See how it doesn't fulfill you.