Female Friends — A Dilemma

[Olaf]

@Zenterus Next to the green button above it says "moderate actions" then click hide, you need to give a reason you want to hide the post and it will be deleted

[Spiral]

Woman who want you are useless friends

[Zenterus]

@Atb210201 What are you on about dude? I'm still a man, I still have a dick and I still get horny. Just because sex isn't a primary pursuit in my life doesnt mean that I cut my dick off and threw it in the trash.

 

[Emerald]

16 hours ago, Zenterus said:

Attraction has an expiration date and the chemistry, after the attraction fades, won't be the same. I've seen it in the past with other female friends of mine. The chemistry that you often feel at first is actually generated by the attraction itself and once that dissipates, all you're left with is luke-warm chemistry from a flaky friend who is disillusioned by you because your intentions varied from hers.

The longer that I know a man that I have chemistry with, the spark only grows... unless he specifically does something that changes my perception of him. (like something gross or unethical or something)

So, I think you're operating off of pick-up logic that doesn't actually work with how women actually operate.

Generally, women like a slow burn. The longer she knows you, the more it adds meaning and context to your interactions. And it gives her time to wonder about you, crush on you, and long for you.

Think of it like allowing sexual tension and intimacy to build through delayed gratification.

Women love a good, "Will we or won't we?"

[Atb210201]

7 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

@Atb210201 What are you on about dude? I'm still a man, I still have a dick and I still get horny. Just because sex isn't a primary pursuit in my life doesnt mean that I cut my dick off and threw it in the trash.

 

Yes I know, and there is a healthy way to do that.

Have you ever heard of this thing called marriage without all these complications of pointless and meaningless relationships?

Sorry.

I'm saying too much I know.

Sorry, I'll shut up now.

[Spiral]

@Emerald In my experience, when a girl likes you things are great initially. Then after 3-6 months, she becomes rude and unpleasant. I suspect it’s the case when she relies it won’t happen

Edited October 19 by Spiral

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Zenterus said:

Ugh, guys, I regret making this post. It came from a totally unconscious place.

@Natasha Tori Maru is it possible to delete it?

After contemplating for a bit, I realized that I actually want this. The truth is, I've secretly not only have been craving for a community and a tribe of my own, but also to explore a more nuanced relationship with women.

In the world of labels that we live in, you have serious relationships, casual situationships and platonic friendships of varying degrees.

Personally, I prefer a relationship that begins as a platonic relationship... and I pretty much require that a guy is part of my social network.

Otherwise, there's no context or meaning behind an interaction with a man to develop an attraction around.

Like... how am I supposed to be attracted to some random? I don't know enough about his personality to be attracted.

So, I think you're going in the right direction building a social network of people. And you don't have to have such firm delineations between friend women and relationship prospect women, as long as you're not making friends with women solely for the purpose of having something romantic happen.

Just let yourself interact platonically with all your friends... and throw out all the pick-up "escalate quick" ideas.

Then, if something organically grows from that, you will sense it. 

To me, that's the best way for a relationships to begin... because you already know each other well enough for intimacy to transcend the sexual domain.

[Zenterus]

15 minutes ago, Emerald said:

The longer that I know a man that I have chemistry with, the spark only grows... unless he specifically does something that changes my perception of him. (like something gross or unethical or something)

So, I think you're operating off of pick-up logic that doesn't actually work with how women actually operate.

Generally, women like a slow burn. The longer she knows you, the more it adds meaning and context to your interactions. And it gives her time to wonder about you, crush on you, and long for you.

Think of it like allowing sexual tension and intimacy to build through delayed gratification.

Women love a good, "Will we or won't we?"

I agree with everything you say here (except the part about me using pickup logic). However the "will we, won't we" thing only holds true as long as the potential of something is there. 

If the guy gets a girlfriend or explicitly friendzones the girl or communicates a complete lack of interest, eventually that dynamic changes along with whatever chemistry there was in the beginning. That's what I was referencing in this post.

If the goal was to date these women then great! But it's not.

[Emerald]

9 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Emerald In my experience, when a girl likes you things are great initially. Then after 3-6 months, she becomes rude and unpleasant. I suspect it’s the case when she relies it won’t happen

I have no idea why that's happening to you. 

Usually, the more familiarity that I have with a guy that I know (platonically or romantically) my fondness for him tends to grow. That's true, even with guys who I have zero attraction for as well. Familiarity breeds fondness, in my experience.

So, if there's a pattern where women are becoming rude or unpleasant after 3-6 months, these are my hypotheses...

1. She's just that type of person. She was hiding it at first for the first few months... but then she revealed her true colors.
2. She was appreciating your presence in her life at first. Then, you did some things or revealed some intentions that changed her opinion of you... and she lost respect for you.

Those are the two options that come to my mind. But there may be others.

[Zenterus]

18 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

Yes I know, and there is a healthy way to do that.

Have you ever heard of this thing called marriage without all these complications of pointless and meaningless relationships?

Sorry.

I'm saying too much I know.

Sorry, I'll shut up now.

Yes, we all know that marriage is very healthy. No married couples ever get married for the wrong reasons. No married couples ever become emotionally or physically abusive with each other. No marriages ever devolve into a shell of what they once were when the romance was still alive. Of course.

Edited October 19 by Zenterus

[Atb210201]

5 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

Yes, we all know that marriage is very healthy. No married couples ever get married for the wrong reasons. No married couples ever become emotionally or physically abusive with each other. No marriages ever devolve into a shell of what they once were when the romance was still alive. Of course.

It still has stronger foundation and is still better than any other kind of relationship.

And more meaningful than them all.

After all what are you looking for in a relationship with a woman?

Isn't it to create a meaningful and lasting relationship as a life partner with her?

You just have to be careful and marry the right kind of woman for yourself.

Edited October 19 by Atb210201

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Zenterus said:

I agree with everything you say here (except the part about me using pickup logic). However the "will we, won't we" thing only holds true as long as the potential of something is there. 

If the guy gets a girlfriend or explicitly friendzones the girl or communicates a complete lack of interest, eventually that dynamic changes along with whatever chemistry there was in the beginning. That's what I was referencing in this post.

If the goal was to date these women then great! But it's not.

I still think that you're adding extra ideas and delineations to the mix that need not be there. Let the lines be a bit blurry.

Like, you needn't communicate a complete lack of interest if you don't have a complete lack of interest. Just don't get into a friendship with a woman solely for the sake of having something sexual happen. (which I don't think you're doing)

Just let your interest be there without feeling like "Oh no! I need to escalate quickly or this will go away." Build up some tolerance for anticipation and sexual tension to simply exist and build.

And wait to escalate until you feel a deeper kind of pull towards her than just sexual.

That can be your boundary. I will only escalate the relationship with a female friend if I'm seriously interested in having a relationship with her.

[Valach]

@Zenterus Why don't you just find some consistent fwb and burn your sexual energy with her and focus on purely platonic relationships with other woman?

[Spiral]

@Emerald Perhaps, I’ve just experienced this enough times not to try anymore. Better to be friends with benefits in that case, I suppose.

Edited October 19 by Spiral

[Emerald]

6 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Emerald Perhaps, I’ve just experienced this enough times not to try anymore. Better to friends with benefits in that case, I suppose.

That's no fun! That deflates all the tension and meaning!

[Spiral]

@Emerald Doesn’t have to be immediately! She can suffer a bit first.

However I have friends for none-sexual reasons generally

 

[Zenterus]

@Valach I've tried that before, it doesn't do it for me. If I don't care about the girl on a deep level, the sex is boring to me. Doing so will only result in the girl getting hurt and me repeating a tired old cycle.

[Zenterus]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

I still think that you're adding extra ideas and delineations to the mix that need not be there. Let the lines be a bit blurry.

Like, you needn't communicate a complete lack of interest if you don't have a complete lack of interest. Just don't get into a friendship with a woman solely for the sake of having something sexual happen. (which I don't think you're doing)

Just let your interest be there without feeling like "Oh no! I need to escalate quickly or this will go away." Build up some tolerance for anticipation and sexual tension to simply exist and build.

And wait to escalate until you feel a deeper kind of pull towards her than just sexual.

That can be your boundary. I will only escalate the relationship with a female friend if I'm seriously interested in having a relationship with her.

I can get behind that. Thank you!

[Valach]

@Valach Huh, sounds like we are actually in quite similiar place in our lives.

[Zenterus]

Just now, Valach said:

@Valach Huh, sounds like we are actually in quite similiar place in our lives.

I mean of course, you're the same person!