Female Friends — A Dilemma

[Elliott]

If the attraction fades as friends it would have faded as a couple too

[Lyubov]

Acknowledge the polarity, respect boundaries and be responsible for yourself and what you wish to put into these friendships. Pretty girls in general always have a bit of this flirty and fun energy about them. They know they are pretty and are sorta bubbly and just accentuate and ooze off this energy. I think a lot of guys get too lost in the ambiguity of femininity and it clouds their clarity. You said you want friends so just be friends with them. I don't see a problem with that. If anything changes with any of them great, if not that's cool too. There is a classic saying "don't shit where you eat." This applies mostly to work and to a much lesser extent to friend groups. Just see how stuff unfolds. 

[iamlite]

LOOOOL. You can act like a gay maybe haha

Edited October 18 by iamlite

[Natasha Tori Maru]

High chance you are just misreading signals. 

You have trained yourself to look for them - yes?

That's training a bias.

Just don't act. Sexual tension is just part of life. I honestly don't see the dilemma. If you feel you need to lay out a boundary - do so. Then move on.

Edited October 18 by Natasha Tori Maru

[Joseph Maynor]

It is weird for a guy to have a female friend, no?  

[Ulax]

8 hours ago, Zenterus said:

By the way, with the coffee girl we explicitly agreed that we only want friendship, so the situation with her is doubly confusing. 

 

Counts as disqualification

[Ulax]

5 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

High chance you are just misreading signals. 

You have trained yourself to look for them - yes?

That's training a bias.

Just don't act. Sexual tension is just part of life. I honestly don't see the dilemma. If you feel you need to lay out a boundary - do so. Then move on.

Zenty is an advanced pickup dude. He'll be better at reading social signals than 99% here

[Natasha Tori Maru]

2 minutes ago, Ulax said:

Zenty is an advanced pickup dude. He'll be better at reading social signals than 99% here

I am aware. It still remains that a cognitive bias is being trained when you engage in pickup methodology.

Something is wrong if most signals are being read as sexual. Or if one small signal is being extrapolated to "I cannot have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex".

Edited October 19 by Natasha Tori Maru

[Zenterus]

Ugh, guys, I regret making this post. It came from a totally unconscious place.

@Natasha Tori Maru is it possible to delete it?

After contemplating for a bit, I realized that I actually want this. The truth is, I've secretly not only have been craving for a community and a tribe of my own, but also to explore a more nuanced relationship with women.

In the world of labels that we live in, you have serious relationships, casual situationships and platonic friendships of varying degrees.

Throughout my life, I've had so many casual relationships with amazing women that fizzled out once the sex was no longer an attractive proposition to me or to them and I've considered so many times what could've happened if I just befriended these women instead of tossing them to the side.

Ultimately, I want a deeper relationship with one woman, to be honest. But on the path there, I want to build genuine friendships with women that might even border on or, even, cross fully into the sexual while still being able to maintain a genuine friendship, open communication and true intimacy with them beyond the surface level. I want to revel in the feminine without feeling attached to it, without needing to control it. 

I want to have attractive, sophisticated and genuine women in my life, who I may even feel an attraction towards but choose not to pursue because I know we wont be good partners together and would benefit each other more as friends and be totally at peace with that.

I want to be able to be friends with a woman and if randomly on a night out we end up hooking up, for whatever reason, to be able to talk things through and maintain our friendship and even be happy for one another when we find someone else we want to pursue seriously without jealousy and resentment.

I want to build a balanced eco-system of amazing men and women who I share chemistry, values and intimacy with. People who are gonna be there for me when shit hits the fan, people who will celebrate me and people who i can share my deepest self with.

That is the actual goal.

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Zenterus I can erase it - if you hide it with the options panel this will also make disappear.

Mods can reinstate at request 

[LastThursday]

13 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

I want to have attractive, sophisticated and genuine women in my life

I'd use the word "beautiful" in all its aspects. Who doesn't want beauty in their lives? Variety is also good, platonic as well as romantic.

Don't regret anything you put out, it was your energy at the time. Just because you're different later doesn't negate your earlier self even if it makes you cringe now.

Good luck.

[Atb210201]

22 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

I want to be able to be friends with a woman and if randomly on a night out we end up hooking up, for whatever reason, to be able to talk things through and maintain our friendship and even be happy for one another when we find someone else we want to pursue seriously without jealousy and resentment.

Sorry to break it to you but that's not gonna work.

This is not possible.

You have an impossible dream.

Don't believe nonsense movies about this.

Don't strive towards it.

Edited October 19 by Atb210201

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, Atb210201 said:

Sorry to break it to you but that's not gonna work.

This is not possible.

You have an impossible dream.

Don't believe nonsense movies about this.

Don't strive towards it.

No. Too absolute.

It can be done. You just have to be mature & realistic about it.

[Atb210201]

35 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

No. Too absolute.

It can be done. You just have to be mature & realistic about it.

No it can't.

That's just the way humans are.

And if you're honest you know it.

To have such a dream in the first place itself is a disaster and an unmature dream.

Edited October 19 by Atb210201

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Atb210201 I am sorry to hear you have this belief 

[Atb210201]

Just now, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Atb210201 I am sorry to hear you have this belief 

Why?

Be glad that I have this belief.

I'm glad anyway.

Why would I ever waste mine and another girl's time like this?

Don't be sorry for me.

It's all good.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

3 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

Why?

Be glad that I have this belief.

I'm glad anyway.

Why would I ever waste mine and another girl's time like this?

Don't be sorry for me.

It's all good.

Because it's an artificial limit. That's why. 

From your response, I gather you don't really understand what I am meaning. 

[Atb210201]

2 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Because it's an artificial limit. That's why. 

From your response, I gather you don't really understand what I am meaning. 

It is not an artificial limit.

I don't know about your personal relationships and I don't want to go there.

But I'll invite you to go there yourself and look at them.

You'll see.

You never really want a pointless hookup with one of your friends, then continue your friendship with them.

It's just pointless. Why?

Edited October 19 by Atb210201

[Zenterus]

1 hour ago, Atb210201 said:

No it can't.

That's just the way humans are.

And if you're honest you know it.

To have such a dream in the first place itself is a disaster and an unmature dream.

Speak for yourself. 

This is a belief rooted in scarcity. 

I've had many genuine female friends throughout my life so I know it's possible.

You may not be able to because you haven't had your fill of sexual abundance, therefore every woman you meet is seen as a potential mate or someone who you could use to quench your thirst.

When sex finally gets devalued in your life, outside of a commited relationship, then your relationship to women becomes more nuanced. You can appreciate her beauty, her feminity, her intelligence and being without needing anything from her. Just like how you can appreciate a painting without owning it or even feeding and petting and loving a cat that isn't yours. 

This idea of emotional ownership is what I want to deconstruct and free myself from. It doesn't have to be black and white. 

[Atb210201]

40 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

Speak for yourself. 

This is a belief rooted in scarcity. 

I've had many genuine female friends throughout my life so I know it's possible.

You may not be able to because you haven't had your fill of sexual abundance, therefore every woman you meet is seen as a potential mate or someone who you could use to quench your thirst.

When sex finally gets devalued in your life, outside of a commited relationship, then your relationship to women becomes more nuanced. You can appreciate her beauty, her feminity, her intelligence and being without needing anything from her. Just like how you can appreciate a painting without owning it or even feeding and petting and loving a cat that isn't yours. 

This idea of emotional ownership is what I want to deconstruct and free myself from. It doesn't have to be black and white. 

I wouldn't be so sure that you're beyond sexuality and sex is devalued in your life if you're thinking of randomly hooking up with some of your female friends if it happens.

If you're so over it as you like to claim then the idea of hooking up wouldn't even come into your mind.

Edited October 19 by Atb210201