Unpopular Opinions About Relationships

[Monster Energy]

1.

Ladies, if your man doesn't allow you to:

Go to clubs

Have male friends

Post thirst traps on Insta

Wear provocative clothes

Miss your Creed streaks

Congrats, you have a man who cares about you.

2.

I'll never understand when guys get a gf they don't hangout with their friends anymore, but when girls get a bf they always put their friends over the relationship.

3.

Girls will call themselves a "man hater" but somehow have more male friends than I do.

 

 

[Spiral]

I find that not allowing your girlfriend to do basic stuff is a strange approach to relationships. I have an issue with most of these anyway. I’m certainly going to have female friends if I’m in a relationship.

Better to find a girl who doesn’t want to do those things to begin with and avoid the headache

Edited 10 hours ago by Spiral

[something_else]

Another high quality post in the dating section, well done bro. Fighting the good fight

[Monster Energy]

1 hour ago, something_else said:

Another high quality post in the dating section, well done bro. Fighting the good fight

My pleasure 

[pablo_aka_god]

I agree with this post. some women test their men with these things and they even get turned on when their men fights over this things. It's very toxic and unsustainable.

 

 

My last GF did all the things on list 1 and when I mentioned it she would start a fight and bc i did not want to fight I allowed her to do them, but every time she did them my self esteem would decrease.

Over time she would do more things in list 1. I believe she wanted me to fight, maybe to feel cared.

I remember one episode where I did start an aggressive fight and she got super turned on.

At some point the level of things in list 1 would be unacceptable to me, so I had to let her go.

 

 

 

Edited 7 hours ago by pablo_aka_god

[Monster Energy]

2 hours ago, pablo_aka_god said:

I agree with this post. some women test their men with these things and they even get turned on when their men fights over this things. It's very toxic and unsustainable.

 

 

My last GF did all the things on list 1 and when I mentioned it she would start a fight and bc i did not want to fight I allowed her to do them, but every time she did them my self esteem would decrease.

Over time she would do more things in list 1. I believe she wanted me to fight, maybe to feel cared.

I remember one episode where I did start an aggressive fight and she got super turned on.

At some point the level of things in list 1 would be unacceptable to me, so I had to let her go.

 

 

 

You did the right choice 

[Emerald]

Sounds to me like the guy in this hypothetical example chose an incompatible partner and wants to control her and mold her into a totally different person.

If you start dating a woman who has male friends, loves going to the club, posts sexy photos on social media, has a revealing clothing style, and isn't very religious... expect her to stay that way.

That's her personality. And personalities don't change much... especially not because of external control.

And if you start setting all these rules, you're just using control over a sovereign individual to make up for the fact that you picked an incompatible partner.

Just go choose someone else who already matches your values. 

Like for me, I'm not a clubber or 'sexy thirst traps' kind of person. But I have a ton of guy friends and I'm not religious.

And if I started dating a guy who made me stop being friends with my guy friends or tried to force me to go to church, I'd just stop dating him. Clearly there's an incompatibility in our values, and it's not going to work out.

So, don't try to use top-down control over a sovereign being to make up for the fact that you got into a relationship with an incompatible person.

If you're making a bunch of rules for your partner... that's a relationship that will fail. No one wants to live inside of your rules... especially not in the long run.

[Monster Energy]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

Sounds to me like the guy in this hypothetical example chose an incompatible partner and wants to control her and mold her into a totally different person.

If you start dating a woman who has male friends, loves going to the club, posts sexy photos on social media, has a revealing clothing style, and isn't very religious... expect her to stay that way.

That's her personality. And personalities don't change much... especially not because of external control.

And if you start setting all these rules, you're just using control over a sovereign individual to make up for the fact that you picked an incompatible partner.

Just go choose someone else who already matches your values. 

Like for me, I'm not a clubber or 'sexy thirst traps' kind of person. But I have a ton of guy friends and I'm not religious.

And if I started dating a guy who made me stop being friends with my guy friends or tried to force me to go to church, I'd just stop dating him. Clearly there's an incompatibility in our values, and it's not going to work out.

So, don't try to use top-down control over a sovereign being to make up for the fact that you got into a relationship with an incompatible person.

If you're making a bunch of rules for your partner... that's a relationship that will fail. No one wants to live inside of your rules... especially not in the long run.

Why don’t you see rules as a form of respect? Rules can be controlling, but they can also be healthy boundaries in a relationship. You haven’t acknowledged that distinction.

 

 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Monster Energy

[eos_nyxia]

27 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

Why don’t you see rules as a form of respect? Rules can be controlling, but they can also be healthy boundaries in a relationship. You haven’t acknowledged that distinction.

Boundaries are for your behaviour and how you will react to things (for example, if you find something intolerable, you leave), not for attempting to control others. 

[Monster Energy]

3 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

Boundaries are for your behaviour and how you will react to things (for example, if you find something intolerable, you leave), not for attempting to control others. 

And mutual agreements don’t exist? Interesting how you confuse respect with control.

 

[eos_nyxia]

4 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

And mutual agreements don’t exist? Interesting how you confuse respect with control.

 

8 hours ago, Monster Energy said:

1.

Ladies, if your man doesn't allow you to:

Go to clubs

Have male friends

Post thirst traps on Insta

Wear provocative clothes

Miss your Creed streaks

Congrats, you have a man who cares about you.

I interpreted your word choice quite literally. Perhaps phrase it differently if you meant something else and other people don't get your specific usage of it. 

[Monster Energy]

14 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

 

I interpreted your word choice quite literally. Perhaps phrase it differently if you meant something else and other people don't get your specific usage of it. 

I meant exactly what I wrote. A man who cares about you can have standards and expectations for his partner, and that includes being unwilling to accept certain behaviours. 

 

[eos_nyxia]

17 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

I meant exactly what I wrote. A man who cares about you can have standards and expectations for his partner, and that includes being unwilling to accept certain behaviours. 

You can have all the standards and expectations you want. But if you don't like it and they're not interested? Leave. Find someone else more compatible. This is perhaps a bit different if you are in a very long term relationship or a marriage though. But how many people here are? 

If someone wants to change and they truly agree with your standards and expectations, that's one thing. Coercing someone who actually isn't interested is a very different thing.

Also, someone can technically agree your demands and still feel coerced. This is just asking for bad blood. 

Edited 1 hour ago by eos_nyxia

[something_else]

12 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

I meant exactly what I wrote. A man who cares about you can have standards and expectations for his partner, and that includes being unwilling to accept certain behaviours. 

 

Yes, and if you don’t like something they do you express that to your partner in a reasonable way, then you either compromise or be willing to leave if you feel it crosses a boundary.

You don’t tell them what they can and can’t do, that’s controlling. Or, you can do this, but don’t be surprised if it makes them miserable enough that they leave you instead.

[Monster Energy]

4 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

You can have all the standards and expectations you want. But if you don't like it and they're not interested? Leave. Find someone else more compatible. This is perhaps a bit different if you are in a very long term relationship or a marriage though. But how many people here are? 

If someone wants to change and they truly agree with your standards and expectations, that's one thing. Coercing someone who actually isn't interested is a very different thing.

You’re right that coercion is wrong. But you’re assuming that having expectations means forcing someone to change. People can choose to respect their partner’s standards without being coerced. Not everything is control.

 

[Monster Energy]

5 minutes ago, something_else said:

Yes, and if you don’t like something they do you express that to your partner in a reasonable way, then you either compromise or be willing to leave if you feel it crosses a boundary.

You don’t tell them what they can and can’t do, that’s controlling. Or, you can do this, but don’t be surprised if it makes them miserable enough that they leave you instead.

 A relationship isn’t just about what you’re free to do, but also what you’re willing to respect for your partner. You call it control; someone else might call it commitment and shared values. The difference is whether it’s forced or freely accepted.

 

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Monster Energy said:

Why don’t you see rules as a form of respect? Rules can be controlling, but they can also be healthy boundaries in a relationship. You haven’t acknowledged that distinction.

Boundaries aren't about controlling others or giving other people rules.

They're about establishing what you are willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate.

And you should establish your boundaries BEFORE you get into a relationship when you're choosing a partner... not AFTER as a means of controlling an incompatible person into a mold that fits your life.

So, if I met a guy who was really into clubbing and was posting a bunch of thirst traps.... I know he's probably not compatible with me.

I'm just not someone who would be comfortable with having a partner that does that because it's just not my cup of tea. And we're going to be on two totally different pages in the relationship.

So, I'm going to enforce my boundaries UP FRONT and not get into a relationship with that person.

I'm not going to neglect my boundaries, start dating that person... and then try to control them and douse their fire just because their fire isn't my personal cup of tea.

Find a partner who matches your values, and you don't need to try to control them with rules that fundamentally disrespect the essence of their sovereignty. 

[something_else]

31 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

 A relationship isn’t just about what you’re free to do, but also what you’re willing to respect for your partner. You call it control; someone else might call it commitment and shared values. The difference is whether it’s forced or freely accepted.

 

This makes little sense overall, please explain again in more detail.

The last sentence is the only part I can actually understand, so I’ll reply to that with: the goalposts are bouncing all over the place. In your first post you specifically used the word “allow” and now you’re talking about forced vs freely accepted.

[Monster Energy]

19 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Boundaries aren't about controlling others or giving other people rules.

They're about establishing what you are willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate.

And you should establish your boundaries BEFORE you get into a relationship when you're choosing a partner... not AFTER as a means of controlling an incompatible person into a mold that fits your life.

So, if I met a guy who was really into clubbing and was posting a bunch of thirst traps.... I know he's probably not compatible with me.

I'm just not someone who would be comfortable with having a partner that does that because it's just not my cup of tea. And we're going to be on two totally different pages in the relationship.

So, I'm going to enforce my boundaries UP FRONT and not get into a relationship with that person.

I'm not going to neglect my boundaries, start dating that person... and then try to control them and douse their fire just because their fire isn't my personal cup of tea.

Find a partner who matches your values, and you don't need to try to control them with rules that fundamentally disrespect the essence of their sovereignty. 

You keep assuming that having expectations means trying to change someone. People can willingly adjust their behaviour out of respect for their partner. Not every expectation is control, and not every compromise is a loss of freedom. Relationships require more than just doing whatever you want and leaving when someone disagrees.

 

[Asayake]

I used to look at it like you, Monster Energy. But I changed my mind, I'd recommend looking into the idea of the polytheistic mind by James Hillman, if a girl wants to go to the club to dance with her friends for example she has a psychological archetypal need for the chaotic scene of the nightclub. Until she finds another outlet for that, the best thing for the relationship is that she goes there, it will reveal friction in the relationship and then you'll have that friction and decide whether the relationship is worth it with the dark aspects of the relationship brought to the surface. Rules that forbid the girl from going to the club will just push your problems out of sight, they'll still exist but you'll be unaware of them and they'll manifest in ways that are more sneaky that you can't predict.