Retroactive jealousy

[Joshe]

@Emerald I agree with you that there's something to it, but I don't really see the point in breaking the two things apart.

I see two lessons here:

Lesson #1: when a girl tells you you're special, don't let that go to your head 

Lesson #2: other guys can get your girl off 

There was a lie that exacerbated pre-existing insecurities. If the lie never carried weight, and if the insecurities were worked through by clear seeing, there would be no problem. So the solution is to see clearly, not to wish the girl was more responsible. 

Or maybe I have an avoidant attachment style. lol 

[Emerald]

29 minutes ago, Joshe said:

@Emerald I agree with you that there's something to it, but I don't really see the point in breaking the two things apart.

I see two lessons here:

Lesson #1: when a girl tells you you're special, don't let that go to your head 

Lesson #2: other guys can get your girl off 

There was a lie that exacerbated pre-existing insecurities. If the lie never carried weight, and if the insecurities were worked through by clear seeing, there would be no problem. So the solution is to see clearly, not to wish the girl was more responsible. 

Or maybe I have an avoidant attachment style. lol 

It's quite normal to expect honesty in a relationship... and it's also quite normal to want/need to feel special in a relationship.

And if someone lies to their partner in a way that gives them an illusion of specialness, it's normal for the revelation of that lie to hurt... even for someone who doesn't have sexual or other insecurities.

For example, if a guy that I was with told me that I was the only woman that he ever felt sexually open with... that would mean something to me.

And if I found out it was just something he said because he knew I wanted to hear it, that would upset me a bit and make me wonder if I could trust him. 

And mind you, I've never have insecurities or jealousy about the previous partners of any of my romantic partners. I actually find talking about the past sexual experiences he's had to be intriguing, as it's like exploring him as a sexual being outside of the familiar dynamic.

So... as someone who doesn't feel insecure at all about my current or past partners' past sexual partners... I would be quite upset to be lied to. And I'd be even more upset if that lie gave me the illusion that I gave him a special breakthrough experience. 

Also, women tend to be aware that men love to feel effective and like to feel like they're being invited into vulnerable territory.

In fact, I once heard a sex worker or cam girl on a podcast talking about creating the illusion of a wall of sexual vulnerability that she has never gone past. And that sets up a scenario where the man can feel like he's gotten her to open up, be vulnerable, and push past her usual sexual blocks. 

And I think it's fine if a sex worker does that, as her client should be aware that she's creating an illusion of intimacy to increase his pleasure.

But in an actual relationship, it's quite unkind to pretend to have sexual walls that you don't... so that the guy can feel like he's the only one that ever broke through them.

That's why I said, it's not just that she lied about having had sex with a few guys before. It's that she used that lie to orchestrate a one-sided illusion of specialness and intimacy.

[Monster Energy]

I’m sending this to your girlfriend because this is so childish that she should have left you a long time ago. Be glad she even makes eye contact with you.