my private students' dad is love bombing me and encouraging tax fraud

[Judy2]

i need to get this off my chest and hope it won't be used against me by anyone.

i have been teaching three sisters French for a couple of weeks, since they switched schools and need to keep up with their peers. i have an undergrad degree in English with French as a secondary subject.

the girls' dad pays me cash after the French lessons and is sending me heart emojis all the time. (that combo makes me feel like a prostitute.) more hearts and kisses than i have ever received from any lover. he praises me a lot, touched my back twice when showing me out, but other than that, he hasn't acted inappropriate.

he insists on paying for lessons that we had to cancel, and i am hesitant to accept that because usually, no one has ever offered to do that, let alone this amount. he also pays more than any other parents have ever paid me before for tutoring their children.

i feel a bit overwhelmed and don't know how to communicate with him. my goal was to hand in a document for my tax report in September (since i also have other students and would like to advertise my private tutoring services more officially), but his response was "don't be like that" and i felt too shy to be more persistent.

what do i do? do i just start writing official invoices and present them to him via email, and he'll have to accept that?

he's so fond of me for some reason and voluntarily upped the amount he pays me a couple weeks in, so if he thinks i'm so important, he should handle the fact that i want to do this the right way?

i think it's just so strange he voluntarily sends me more money all the time. 

Edited Sunday at 03:29 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

he is now asking me to send him photos from my holidays.

Edited Sunday at 05:30 PM by Judy2

[LordFall]

Enforce your boundaries. A lot of women struggle with one telling themselves that their boundaries are valid and two enforce them once they decide on them. Predatory men take advantage of that all the time.

Most men don't know how to meet women so they will hit on every single woman they meet in whatever context and be inappropriate and lack social calibration. You're not crazy this is weird af.

Unless you're into him but doesn't sound like it so sounds like a boundaries needed type of issue or time to find another job. 

Edited Sunday at 04:52 PM by LordFall

[Elliott]

You shouldn't need documentation to file cash sales as income. What country are you in?

He sounds like a total perv, like hes trying to come onto you.

[PsychedelicEagle]

Doing what’s right is never wrong. 

[Realms of Wonder]

People are already responding to some of the points but one that I want to focus on is him paying for lessons that don't happen.

If you had to cancel, that is one thing, but if he cancels, its common in some industries to be paid at least part of what the original fee was.

I used to work as a Massage Therapist. if they canceled within 24 hours there was a cancelation fee of like, 30-40%, but if they canceled right before they had to pay for the whole thing.

And yeah, it sounds like he isn't seeing you in a totally professinal light.

At the end of the day, if you want to report your taxes, that's your choice whether he agrees or not. I would either start invoicing him for it or just keep good track of the cash you are receiving so you can report it properly come tax season.

[Judy2]

@Realms of Wonder

okay, thanks for your reply.

[Michal__]

You probably see it differently but to me it sounds like a goofy cash cow.

[Basman]

You just need to be stricter with your boundaries. This shouldn't have gotten this far in the first place. 

You need to ignore anything that's not business related. Don't respond. Don't reply. Don't even look him in the eyes if it's not relevant. Reject any advances or touch. 

And don't accept any money that hasn't been previously agreed upon. That could be used to pressure you. Follow the agreement. 

If things go out of hand you can always fire him and send the messages to his wife.

[Judy2]

14 hours ago, Basman said:

You just need to be stricter with your boundaries. This shouldn't have gotten this far in the first place. 

You need to ignore anything that's not business related. Don't respond. Don't reply. Don't even look him in the eyes if it's not relevant. Reject any advances or touch. 

And don't accept any money that hasn't been previously agreed upon. That could be used to pressure you. Follow the agreement. 

If things go out of hand you can always fire him and send the messages to his wife.

to his last message, i didn't respond because i couldn't even think of anything to say. or i usually just respond with very short, polite messages or simply ":)", which should also get it across?

i don't have his wife's contact info, we usually just say hi when i come in and that's about it. 

i just feel as though i'd be the one making it weird if i told him to tone things down a bit. 

Edited 19 hours ago by Judy2

[Basman]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

to his last message, i didn't respond because i couldn't even think of anything to say. or i usually just respond with very short, polite messages or simply ":)", which should also get it across?

i don't have his wife's contact info, we usually just say hi when i come in and that's about it. 

i just feel as though i'd be the one making it weird if i told him to tone things down a bit. 

I don't think you necesarilly need to spell it out. People say weird things all the time. Just don't reciprocate anything that isn't business relevant. Cold like a glacier.

It's only if he crosses a certain line that you need to be firm, like if he tries to pinch your butt or sends a dick pick.

[Basman]

Horny old men can be quiet overbearing and shameless. It's like their brain turns off.

[Judy2]

32 minutes ago, Basman said:

I don't think you necesarilly need to spell it out. People say weird things all the time. Just don't reciprocate anything that isn't business relevant. Cold like a glacier.

It's only if he crosses a certain line that you need to be firm, like if he tries to pinch your butt or sends a dick pick.

okay, that makes sense. 

[oOo]

I never flirt with another woman while in a relationship.

My boundaries are explicit by either bringing up my partner fondly or controlling the emotional energy around the interaction. 

If I were in a similar position I would drop the client, and gtfo so they forget I ever even existed as soon as possible. Unless it was truly truly the right thing to do, I wouldn't even bother telling the guy about what's happening; I don't know him and I don't know her, I don't know the dynamics, its none of my businesss and it would likely cause more trouble than what its worth. 

"Dear blank blank, thank you for blank blank but unfortunately my schedule has blanked. Blank, blank , blank, blank, blank. Ba, ba blank, blank.

Thank you for the blank opportunities. 

Kind regards,

Mr. Blank"

Boundaries are only needed for relationships that matter, for me its better to just walk away as soon as possible. Another client not boundary violating would be preoccupying your awareness right now in a positive way about how you could be a better teacher if you didn't have to deal with this schmuck in your head enough to create a forum post about him. 

This is just from a man's perspective. 

Best wishes, stay safe.

[Schizophonia]

@Judy2

Lol. Most of the girls I know have at least one anecdote about being stalked, hit on by an old man, or worse.

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia 

i think sometimes old men just want to make a compliment and don't realise that their style of doing that is a bit outdated and weird nowadays?

[Schizophonia]

36 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia 

i think sometimes old men just want to make a compliment and don't realise that their style of doing that is a bit outdated and weird nowadays?

Why do you do this topic ?

Because you have a prefrontal cortex you can easily obtain the logical answers that will come as a response to this topic, so there is a hidden, more unconscious will who motivates it.

To answer the question in principle when kindness is insistent there is an agenda.

Edited 9 hours ago by Schizophonia

[Emerald]

There's usually a series of line where, once it's crossed, I set a boundary in measure to the line-stepping.

Like, I once knew a guy professionally, where he confessed to me on three separate occasions that he had feelings for me. 

And he's about a decade younger than me with very little experience with women. So, I wasn't as sharp as I normally would be for someone older and more experienced.

The first time, I said, "I'm flattered. But I'm married."

The second time, I said again, "Well. I am married. So, I'm already spoken for, like I said last time."

The third time, I said, "Listen, I've already explained to you twice that I'm married and not available. So, I need to get a lot clearer on this boundary. Please do not communicate your feelings to me again. Our relationship is professional, and there is no path to get closer to me."

For him, he really needed it spelled out for him. And he seemed to take it fine once I did.

I don't think he really got it until I was a bit meaner to him. (And in my head, I was like "Dude! Don't make me have to be a bitch to you!")

But I think you need to get clear on your lines... professionally and romantically.

With the tax thing, it's as simple as saying, "I always do everything by the books. it's against my values to do it otherwise."

With the hearts, you have to decide if it's over your lines... and how serious he is.

Like, I've had guys try to flirt with me. And most of the time, it works to just not give any response or reinforcement and move on to the next topic. This usually gets the message across, "I'm not interested in flirting."

But if he's very adamant and attached, think of the boundary line and what to say and do once that line is crossed.

You could even set a boundary like, "I appreciate you paying me extra. But it's definitely not necessary." But I have also had a lot of clients in my time who want to pay me extra or compensate me for missed sessions... and that was just their own values. So, both of those are within your own discretions, and aren't problems in themselves.

With the hearts and the touching however... ask yourself "Is this over the line for me?" and if the answer is "yes" it's important to communicate that.

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia you mean this thread? 

i think it was a spontaneous emotional decision. i had carried this situation on my own for a little while and thought i shouldn't talk to anyone about it, and then when the most recent interaction on WhatsApp happened and i was stuck on a bus with nothing else to do, i thought i would just come here and, as i said, "get it off my chest".

sometimes i find it easier to speak to a third person rather than directly talking to the person who creates the outrage (or conflict or whatever). in fact, it's a bit of a pattern for me. essentially, i get to communicate without any stakes. it's like i can't bear to hold an emotion all on my own, but i'm also not ready to confront people directly.

not sure if this is what you were asking?

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

@Emerald Thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail:)

4 hours ago, Emerald said:

You could even set a boundary like, "I appreciate you paying me extra. But it's definitely not necessary." But I have also had a lot of clients in my time who want to pay me extra or compensate me for missed sessions... and that was just their own values. So, both of those are within your own discretions, and aren't problems in themselves.

With the hearts and the touching however... ask yourself "Is this over the line for me?" and if the answer is "yes" it's important to communicate that.

yes, i mostly say something along these lines concerning the payment.

the hearts and touching are probably a little over the line for me and definitely feel weird. but i am a little scared or hesitant to communicate that, too.