Dating One Person At Once vs Multiple - Before Commitment

[Natasha Tori Maru]

47 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

You can def go WAY deeper than what is the norm. And especially than what is pushed in PUA.

Last evening I had a first date with a girl for 5 hours. I got quite a strong sense of what she is about. But she is way more self-aware than a typical person, otherwise it would not have been possible.

Otherwise I would not have gone on a date with her.

This whole notion of having to take things very slow, and keep it light and playful in the beginning is a total conformity.

And a total waste of time.

I think it can work both ways. 

I wouldn't be so quick to discard establishing a good understanding of the person through varied, shared experience. You only see who someone truly is in integrity between their behaviour/word, and that needs to be assessed over time. I haven't ever found a heuristic that can shortcut the process. I've been surprised many times!

From my perspective, jumping in too soon can also be conformity. Blindly following feelings or chemistry without really attending to the above system I loosely outlined ( and at the start, the initial rush and flurry of meeting someone new can lead to fantasy and strong hormonal pushes that override sense). This is what society constantly brainwashes us is love and connection via movies, media and TV. 

 

Edited 9 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Also to add on to my point above - I look for integrity as it is a cleaner transmission to pick up on from a person; do their actions and behaviour match their words and intention? The signal is more obvious as it is behavioural and acted out in the real world.

Authenticity and integrity are linked and operate together in my experience - authenticity is about  “Am I being true to what I actually experience, value, think, and feel?”. Integrity can be viewed more like “Am I behaving consistently with what I claim to value, even when there is a direct cost to me?” 

Looking for integrity, which usually requires assessment over time, can be a great green flag for authenticity - not guaranteed but because they work together it's a good heuristic. I then see this as authentic integity; our inner experience, professed values, and behaviour aren't fundamentally at war with one another.

Another reason why I don't rush to hasty conclusions too early. 2/3 months of dating is good for me to want to take next steps.

Edited 8 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Miguel1]

@Natasha Tori Maru I am not talking about commitment yet, hence the thread title.

Simply the getting to know each other phase. Do you want to get to know 5 people at once? Or just one?

Edited 8 hours ago by Miguel1

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Miguel1 I was just making conversation...

2/3 

[Jirh]

I don't see a problem with dating multiple people at the same time. It's not very different from making multiple friends at the same time, except for the sex part, which is objectively just a deeper layer of human connection.

Date multiple girls, and if you naturally gravitate more towards one compared the others, then you have a clear sign going forward for who's more compatible with you.

Edited 8 hours ago by Jirh

[Miguel1]

@Jirh Friends you can have multiple.

A life partner you can have one, and the goal is to have them with you until death.

[Jirh]

@Miguel1 The girls you're dating are not life partners yet. You haven't decided where they belong in your life yet. They're just friends with benefits, until commitment.

Think of it like interviewing multiple applicants to the position of life partner. You don't owe anyone of them commitment until they're hired.

[Miguel1]

@Jirh You are going at it with backwards mindset.

It’s not that they owe you anything.

It’s that you WANT them to align deeply with you.

[Jirh]

16 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

It’s that you WANT them to align deeply with you.

That's the problem right there.

You don't want them to do anything they don't want or be anything they aren't. You're just discovering who they are and whether they're aligned with you or not.

You shouldn't try to force a relationship with anyone. Just hangout and see where it goes. If you are compatible, you will spontaneously and effortlessly gravitate more and more towards one another. If not, you will drift apart.

It's very simple actually I'm finding it strange that I'm having to explain such basic things.

Edited 6 hours ago by Jirh

[Miguel1]

@Jirh Too loose.

You are not serious about finding a compatible partner.

The goal is to find out about compatibility fast. Not slow. Not fuck around and find out.

Simply find out.

[Valach]

@Miguel1

Read throug the topic and I agree with your approach. While there is nothing inherently wrong about dating more people at the same time (if you are honest about that), I feel like it tends to mix up too many energies/dynamics with different people in order to view them somewhat objectively.

Besides I feel like just as @Zenterus mentioned, I filter out most woman on the first date anyways so it is hard to imagine for me to be seeing multiple woman at the same time whom I would be actually interested in.

If I meet a woman where I see the potential for us to go further, I want to explore that. Trying to run around and find more people to date with seems like a defensive strategy to sabotage your relationships.

Edited 4 hours ago by Valach

[Ulax]

@Miguel1 You'll like David Tian's work

[Jirh]

14 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

@Jirh Too loose.

You are not serious about finding a compatible partner.

The goal is to find out about compatibility fast. Not slow. Not fuck around and find out.

Simply find out.

Honestly, this reeks of neediness. And it's not how human relationships work.

But whatever works for you, I guess.

Edited 3 hours ago by Jirh

[Miguel1]

45 minutes ago, Jirh said:

Honestly, this reeks of neediness. And it's not how human relationships work.

But whatever works for you, I guess.

The opposite actually. This reeks of self-confidence.

The whole PUA paradigm of having to spin multiple girls at once to feel abundance, comes from insecurity deep down.

And it is just conformity.

But what I am suggesting here needs to be transcended through the PUA abundance mindset. I am criticizing your mindset from above, not below.

To me, you seem like you are needy, cuz you can’t fucking be confident without having a ton of girls validating you.

A truly secure man does not need multiple girls to feel secure.

Edited 3 hours ago by Miguel1

[Jirh]

14 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

The opposite actually. This reeks of self-confidence.

The whole PUA paradigm of having to spin multiple girls at once to feel abundance, comes from scarcity deep down.

And it is just conformity.

But what I am suggesting here needs to be transcended through the PUA abundance mindset. I am criticizing your mindset from above, not below.

To me, you seem like you are needy, cuz you can’t fucking be confident without having a ton of girls validating you.

A truly secure man does not need multiple girls to feel secure.

Whoa! That's a lot of misunderstandings, all in one post 😅

1. I'm not a pickup guy. All of my relationships are from social circle, platonic and romantic. I've never done pickup seriously. Did a few approaches here and there and failed every time.
2. I never said spin multiple girls. I said interview them. Be clear that you are seeing other girls.
3. Dating multiple girls for me is not about abundance or scarcity. It's about finding the most compatible partner in an honest way.
4. I don't vibe with casual dating. It's never been my thing.
5. You came here asking for a perspective. And instead of opening your mind, you're being defensive. Playing "holier than thou". Again.
6. You mistook my perspective for some pickup dude. You misread me as some pickup douchebag. But I am not into pickup, nor am I looking for female validation. Companies interview tens and hundreds of people, and it's definitely not because they are looking for validation. The same principle applies here. It's not about insecurity. It's about maximizing the potential of finding the most compatible person for the position.

Edited 3 hours ago by Jirh

[something_else]

11 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

The opposite actually. This reeks of self-confidence.

The whole PUA paradigm of having to spin multiple girls at once to feel abundance, comes from insecurity deep down.

And it is just conformity.

But what I am suggesting here needs to be transcended through the PUA abundance mindset. I am criticizing your mindset from above, not below.

To me, you seem like you are needy, cuz you can’t fucking be confident without having a ton of girls validating you.

A truly secure man does not need multiple girls to feel secure.

I think I agree with your points here overall, although going into dating with the approach of "I'm looking for a life partner" is very intense, and often quite off putting. It puts a lot of pressure on the situation and stops you both from being able to relax and have fun.

You could argue that's good because you'll filter out incompatible people, but it's also very likely you'll be filtering out people who are a good match but prefer to ease into something.

[Miguel1]

26 minutes ago, something_else said:

You could argue that's good because you'll filter out incompatible people, but it's also very likely you'll be filtering out people who are a good match but prefer to ease into something.

By definition, these are not my people.

I don’t want to fuck around. Yet, getting to know each other seriously doesn’t have to have zero fun in it.

I fucking love it and enjoy it deeply when my date is highly self-aware. There will be a bunch of laughter too, just not the main thing. Why are they mutually exclusive?

Edited 2 hours ago by Miguel1

[something_else]

20 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

I fucking love it and enjoy it deeply when my date is highly self-aware. There will be a bunch of laughter too, just not the main thing. Why are they mutually exclusive?

Because laughter happens when you are relaxed and in the moment. Not when you're thinking about the future and evaluating if this is a person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. That puts you both in a job interview frame of mind, lots of pressure.

I'm not saying it can't work to be clear, I just don't think it's optimal.

[Miguel1]

@something_else Your dates lasts 30 min?

[LordFall]

5 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

@Jirh Friends you can have multiple.

A life partner you can have one, and the goal is to have them with you until death.

You can have many life partners, if you'd only like one that your personal desire not a reality of how a lot of human beings arrange their life on this planet. 

I think understanding the nuance in dating and that the one true way is not a realistic holy grail to find, it's more of a learning a bit of everything from how other humans shape their life and having the self-awareness and willpower to build a beautiful masterpiece in your life from all that you've learned from others. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall