My problematic relationship with life and failure

[trenton]

To be honest, I don't know what can realistically help me. Nevertheless, I will take a shot because there is nothing to do with life at all other than take a shot at building the best life you can no matter what happens.

I need a lot of change but I don't know how to make the change. The reason I need change is because my family caused too much structural damage to my life and future and it is beyond repair. One example I have been wrestling with again lately is trying to find an alternative life path outside of the professional chess player route I wanted. In that case, they did to much to obstruct my goals and they now seem out of reach because I am a candidate master at age 27. I have been struggling for years to find an alternative path in life which is part of what brought me to personal development.

The problem with personal development is that it doesn't appear to apply to me. First of all, I already had the vision and motivation and then it was destroyed with no palatable alternative. Failure is supposed to be temporary information that guides you toward long term success. This isn't always true if failure means having the future and life you wanted denied, living you adrift due to circumstances beyond your control. The outcome is that it starts to appear as if my values, passions, and preferences are obstacles to be overcome rather than signals as to what I should pursue in life. Somehow I am supposed to find meaning in meaningless work with no real future to work toward as too much has already been taken.

I also need to build an alternative support network outside of my family. They control my finances because they want to teach me financial responsibility and independence while not having any stated parameters for achieving this goal. They did not give a concrete alternative to the life they denied and they are blaming me for feeling lost. I would have been better off with a family that forced me to become a lawyer. In my case my family forced me to not be a chess player but didn't give an alternative. I need a different support network because they caused too much damage and they are incapable of taking accountability. This includes my mother who took money for drugs and didn't give any real starting point for building any future. Nevertheless, they insist that I'm an adult and I need to build something other than what was denied with no real direction or plan.

Meanwhile, personal development seemed to be where I drifted to. I didn't find direction. Part of what I found was more ideas as to why I was wrong to want what I wanted, but I don't see what I'm supposed to want instead. I don't know where to go or who to get help from. Basically my experience with life has been that I am expected to just figure out everything alone without guidance. I tried learning a lot, but more information doesn't necessary give direction.

What I landed on is that spiritually appears to be the only path that offers anything at all. Family can fail you. Careers are circumstancial. All of these things can fail you due to bad luck and it doesn't seem to make sense in investing in such things once they lose the meaning and joy they once had. I'm drawn to spirituality for truth, love, and a lack of alternatives. Where else does one find meaning at all?

Maybe I can try dating in the hopes of finding different life possibilities. I'm unable to see possibilities worth pursuing. Of course the problem with this is that I need to come from a position of strength and not be miserable. I need to be established in an independent living situation, probably on my own with some job that probably is a terrible for me. Again there is no real support network. Autism informed employers might help with finding a match for this.

Ultimately, I'm miserable because I had the vision and energy and I failed anyway. Personal development for me is not about building a vision. It is about replacing an old one while reconciling the difference between a limiting belief and an actual limit. Clearly value exercises are not enough to actually guide me in life.

I just want to know what I would need to do in order to not be bitter in life. Otherwise, the perpetual bitterness makes it unclear why I shouldn't just end everything when there is no future to work toward. I need a new future, but I can't find one. I need to change, but I don't know who to change into. I don't want to become a rude asshole by allowing the bitterness to fester. I need something to prevent it from worsening.

[Hojo]

The biggest thing you can do is stop your family from funding your life. Its keeping you attached if you can have a place to think without constantly being reminded of them then you can heal. If you are constantly needing validation from people you dont like then you will have a bad time. 

If you cant do it yourself just insult them and stand your ground till they cut you off then you have no choice.

You cant heal the path if you stay with them. You haven't even started the path you need to leave.

I won't be fun to do but God will take care of you. 

Edited Saturday at 08:55 PM by Hojo

[Davino]

I don't personally know you but this could be helpful.

1. You cannot heal in the same place that made you sick. Get space from your family, ideally outside of the same house. It's better to be in a shitty room in a far away apartment than having to live 24/7 with a toxic family that crushes your soul.

2. Get professional help: psychologist, a specialist in family trauma, a life coach, a physiotherapist... You don't have to be alone in this struggle. Make a supportive network that will give you the tools to rise and thrive in body, mind and emotions.

3. Find ways to make money that feel aligned. For example, maybe you could teach kids how to play chess, you could become a chess teacher. Find jobs that give you the money to enable 1 & 2  and that serve as a stepping stone towards having a job about something you truly like.

Lots of love❤️

[trenton]

@Davino I would love to move somewhere, but I don't know where to go. Maybe I could go to Massachusetts or Wyoming for the autism support groups. Maybe South Carolina for cheaper housing. Maybe live on campus on NKU and major in sociology. Maybe Spain to enroll in a chess academy. Maybe Germany to enroll in engineering.

I have a lot of maybes, but I need to commit somewhere. This seems like a lot to figure out alone. Does it even matter where I go if it is anywhere but here and at least offers some kind of future worth working towards? In that case I just need to pick any of the above options or the Buddhist monk thing in a nearby monastery, and then do it. It would be awesome to have somebody who could help with this sort of thing, but I believe the autism informed life coaches I am looking for are in Massachusetts. Therefore, I would probably have to go there to get help.

[Hojo]

@trenton thats why you force it to happen if you dont you will just sit there and not do anything.

[trenton]

1 hour ago, Hojo said:

@trenton thats why you force it to happen if you dont you will just sit there and not do anything.

@Hojo What exactly happens when I force things to happen? I remember I forced my siblings to go to the foster care system until my mother evicted my abusive stepfather by publicly confessing to homicidal thoughts. It seemed to have worked. I didn't exactly feel fulfilled by that despite getting what I wanted. I wanted to be a protector only to realize my family wasn't actually worth protecting. Does this mean that knowing what makes us happy and fulfilled requires forcing things to happen and then see how it makes us feel?

[Hojo]

@trenton next time they tell you to do something you dont want you tell them how it is. Next time they say something you dont like you tell them how it is. Stop taking shit. The second you stop taking the shit you will find yourself kicked out cause they won't like it. Then you are free and are forced to make a decisions.

You aren't forcing anything really, you are just not submitting anymore. When you stop submitting you will find out that they don't even care and they will kick you out. They need a slave stop being one.

You wont feel fullfilled when you leave either you will still feel abandoned but you need to go do something because clearly where you are at is not good for you being homeless would be better. And I doubt you will ever made the decision by yourself because its a huge leap especially if you are dependent on them.

When I was living in chaotic household I just said fk this shit and broke every rule set on me. Then my mother freaked out and snapped on me one day for no reason (Me and my brothers were in a room watching movie and she came in the room and muted our movie we were watching and she started talking on the phone, and I told her to go into a different room because we have 10 room and we are all watching a movie in this one) and kicked me out. It was traumatizing but it led to the funnest and best memories of my life so far and that led me to awakening ultimately.

It sound crazy but I've been on this forum for years and I see you are still having the same problems. That tells me you just gotta leave. If you cant do it then make it happen.

It could be the most traumatizing thing you do to date but its not working at home you are in a loop you cant get out of. I severed my relationships with every single person in my family.

When you need help God will send other people to help you.

Edited Sunday at 02:30 AM by Hojo

[trenton]

@Hojo I have been doing a lot of research hoping it would help. Most of what I built were psychological models that serve to protect me from things lime suicide. It was part of my plan to move out, but the weight felt unbearable. This did at least serve as some psychological preparation for making such a radical decision.

I think the thing that is keeping me holding onto them is the fact that I wanted to be a professional player, but I required a robust support system in childhood in order to achieve it. They undermined that goal and my relationship with chess isn't the same anymore because the future isn't there.

Thank you for paying attention and noticing. I had a problem I didn't solve. I have considered the homeless possibility already. I spend most of my time outside anyway. I'm usually wandering the streets looking for somewhere to go. I found a Buddhist temple in southern ohio that I liked. I walked some pretty far distances. I have some buff legs. Part of me wonders what would happen if I just walked to one of those organizations in Massachusetts or Wyoming. I would prefer to have bike though because it would make traveling so much faster.

[Rishabh R]

 

12 hours ago, trenton said:

Ultimately, I'm miserable because I had the vision and energy and I failed anyway. Personal development for me is not about building a vision. It is about replacing an old one while reconciling the difference between a limiting belief and an actual limit. Clearly value exercises are not enough to actually guide me in life.

Be persistent despite failure. That's all you need to succeed . It takes practice to live in alignment with your values .

[Miguel1]

You need independence from your family.

Second of all, what is your biggest passion? What gives you the most meaning and fulfillment? Making a career out of that online might be the solution for the rest of your problems.

[Davino]

17 hours ago, trenton said:

@Davino I would love to move somewhere, but I don't know where to go. Maybe I could go to Massachusetts or Wyoming for the autism support groups. Maybe South Carolina for cheaper housing. Maybe live on campus on NKU and major in sociology. Maybe Spain to enroll in a chess academy. Maybe Germany to enroll in engineering.

I have a lot of maybes, but I need to commit somewhere. This seems like a lot to figure out alone. Does it even matter where I go if it is anywhere but here and at least offers some kind of future worth working towards? In that case I just need to pick any of the above options or the Buddhist monk thing in a nearby monastery, and then do it. It would be awesome to have somebody who could help with this sort of thing, but I believe the autism informed life coaches I am looking for are in Massachusetts. Therefore, I would probably have to go there to get help.

Don't try to make it perfect as you'll stagnate in paralysis analysis, just take the decision that before 2026 ends you'll be in your own place.

After making the move you can reiterate and fine tune for other nice locations and opportunities.

This is the best decision you can take for yourself.

[iamlite]

Finding out a purpose is as much part of a journey as following on it. Not knowing what to do is okay. I hope you can find a way to be happy and live well. 

Edited Sunday at 06:24 PM by iamlite

[trenton]

8 hours ago, Miguel1 said:

You need independence from your family.

Second of all, what is your biggest passion? What gives you the most meaning and fulfillment? Making a career out of that online might be the solution for the rest of your problems.

I don't see a future with my family. It has caused me to much trouble to try to get them to understand. They have already crippled the future I wanted I am trying to find a new path.

My biggest passion was chess. I wanted to be a professional chess player. The problem is that not only did my family block it, but there is also a problem with how chess grandmasters come to be especially on the top level. Under all cases, top level chess players have supportive families since childhood who provide the structure necessary to actualize their goals. It has never happened that a talented player was undermined by an unsupportive family and somehow reached the top level anyway. This is part of what suggests that the window of opportunity to go where I wanted to go was already closed before I was born. Grandmasters don't come from fathers who traffic children and there hasn't been any top level players ever from this background without a network of support. It isn't pure effort as they seem to believe.

The discrepancy in privilege and its implications somewhat sours chess now. I used to believe that my effort was meaningful, but I now see that environment and circumstances matter equally if not more in some cases.

I am trying to find an alternative passion. Maybe something completely new. Otherwise, I have lost so much that the only thing left is spirituality. Once we take away everything meaningful to you such as friends, family, career, and so forth, then all you are left with is existence, truth, and consciousness. Spirituality is where I end up when everything else fails.

I need to find a way to avoid permanent bitterness in life. I no longer have the same faith and confidence in chess that I once had. I know I like intellectual groups and learning or teaching. I seem to function well in those cases.

[oOo]

If you make it a habit to exert yourself harder on your methodologies (i.e. exercise/s) designed to train you further than any potential unexpected challenge may push you, you are preparing yourself to win a war you never even needed to prepare for. 

You, and likely anyone, will also most likely become a far happier person, in fact its one of the least significant overflowing benefits.

I know this from personal experience.

Best wishes, strength and harmony. 

 

Edited Sunday at 10:03 PM by oOo

[trenton]

I'm running into some complications. I have 20,000 dollars in savings along with some stocks and retirement funds. I'm currently unemployed. I looked at Boston, but the housing is part of the problem with many positions requiring a bachelor's or master's degree in fields like IT. I have an associate's degree which limits my options.

Rather than trying to make moving out perfect, I need to find somewhere to go where at least I have my own place. Social security knows I have a disability and I shouldn't be working in public, but I'm not disabled enough to receive benefits. It would be nice if I could get disability support somewhere, but I might need to try somewhere that can help me get a job that won't overwhelm me. Part of why I looked at Boston was the AANE support network with life coaching.

One thing I am afraid of is that if I move out and lose my job again, then I won't really have a good plan anymore. Part of the reason I lost the job previously was due to severe depression and medical complications that came with it. It also disrupted my education.

Do you know where I can find a human that can help with these sorts of life transitions?

[samijiben]

Listen here, cupcake. 

Go to Michigan or whatever. Or go abroad to Vietnam. Do something. You got 20,000 bucks, that ain't chump change. There are people 20,000 in debt and counting and with far worse mental problems than you. 

You are in a good place, all things considered. 

Go find a job anywhere doing anything and get a shitty studio or live out of a van. Then you can learn some skill if you don't want to take advantage of the one you already have and tutor kids in chess as others suggested. 

Problem there is that all requires action and you gotta get up off yo ass and stop with the mental loop bullshit. It comes down to you knowing exactly what you gotta do to save yourself but you not doing it. Just gotta rip off the bandaid. Aint no one coming to save you bro. What do you think? 

[trenton]

@samijiben I think I have my plan mapped out now. I need to get off of my family's data plan as it keeps me entangled. I also need to get Mom's name off of my stocks. Then I can live on campus to complete my degree before transferring overseas, probably to Switzerland to study social sciences. NKU should be able to help with that. It seems like my best shot realistically in terms of getting away from my family and never coming back once I am out of America which I also need to leave because I think the country is screwed.

I feel like I have more clarity and I know what must be done. I hesitated because I still wanted to somehow make things work with my family, but I see that they never will respect me no until I leave them forever. I have done enough psychological prep work that I should be able to manage this.

I can see my case manager and therapist soon, but I am taking steps now such as getting my documents for disability eligibility so that I can get any necessary accommodations for university. I can live and work on campus before taking off far away to build a new life and identity completely outside of my family of origin knowing that our conflicts truly are beyond repair due to the vested interest in not seeing the pain they have caused me. I've tried enough and it seems to me that they genuinely do not give a fuck at all. They just don't want me to be with them and that is why they will never respect me. Leaving them forever seems to be the best shot of earning their respect and love.

[samijiben]

6 hours ago, trenton said:

@samijiben I think I have my plan mapped out now. I need to get off of my family's data plan as it keeps me entangled. I also need to get Mom's name off of my stocks. Then I can live on campus to complete my degree before transferring overseas, probably to Switzerland to study social sciences. NKU should be able to help with that. It seems like my best shot realistically in terms of getting away from my family and never coming back once I am out of America which I also need to leave because I think the country is screwed.

I feel like I have more clarity and I know what must be done. I hesitated because I still wanted to somehow make things work with my family, but I see that they never will respect me no until I leave them forever. I have done enough psychological prep work that I should be able to manage this.

I can see my case manager and therapist soon, but I am taking steps now such as getting my documents for disability eligibility so that I can get any necessary accommodations for university. I can live and work on campus before taking off far away to build a new life and identity completely outside of my family of origin knowing that our conflicts truly are beyond repair due to the vested interest in not seeing the pain they have caused me. I've tried enough and it seems to me that they genuinely do not give a fuck at all. They just don't want me to be with them and that is why they will never respect me. Leaving them forever seems to be the best shot of earning their respect and love.

Good! Great! So DO IT!

also, as for the family, dude, you're almost 30, you're getting old. Even if you had "the perfect family" (which, by the way, does NOT exist), it's time to jump gun. 

Start moving and working toward your independence if you love the only thing you have: yourself

[Basman]

You just learned how to not lead your life. You will keep learning till you improve.

Failure is the price of success. As long as you keep pushing yourself you'll be met with failure and setbacks. That means your growing. You should take some pride in that. The alternative would be to turn into a slug and never realize your talents. Either slug or dealing with failure. Your choice.

Some dreams are not meant to be. I wanted to get into art school. In hindsight, I wouldn't fit in to the culture and I didn't really need it. Don't jump to conclusions that because one dream didn't pan out that there isn't somewhere you're meant to be. You should think of yourself as a skillset instead of a title. Your skillset can be applied elsewhere with a similair or a better impact meaningful to you than your original dream. Jobs come and go but a valuable skillsets always maintains it value. A nurse might lose theirs job during rough budget cyts but a "carer" will always find work (elder care, kindergarten, rescue operations, ship nurse, etc.). What about chess do you find meaningful? What skillset do you learn from chess (or will learn in the future)? How can you apply your skillset? What kind of impact do you want to have on people? How can you use your skillset to create that impact?

Your parents can't control you. It's on you take ownership of your life. They can't do anything to you without you letting them. Your grown man. Your parents could very well have set you back, but it's on you to actually lead your life. No one will come rescue you. What do you need to do to take full ownership of your life? What's the first step? 

Last thing, but if your autistic you probably have a tendency to ruminate uncontrollably. Find some way to manage that. Idk what that would. You'll make yourself miserable with negative rumination.

Edited 14 hours ago by Basman

[trenton]

@Basman well I took the first step.

I got an Obama phone. The point is that I need to get off of my family's data plan while making finances more manageable in the meantime. This serves to begin the financial disentanglement. The next step is to get rid of my current phone plan and make the new phone my primary phone for the time being.

Next I will need to get the application for NKU set up. If I hurry, I may be able to get on campus for the upcoming semester in Fall. If not I will go in January. Given that leaving my family is long overdue anyway, I would rather make it sooner rather than later. I hope my case manager and therapist or disability services can help me with accomodations for things like depression and sleep problems.

Once I have the bachelor's degree, I will likely transfer overseas for the master's.

I also need to work on getting my mom's name off of my stocks and my grandma's name off of my bank accounts. I haven't yet announced this plan to my family. If I want my money, then I'm going to need to take this up with them on financial disentanglement.

In terms of skills in chess, I was a teacher and a chess coach. I am interested in social sciences and learning complex systems. I could probably teach something like sociology while using research to inform public policy and discourse. I also had good accomplishments in chess such as winning tournaments and beating a national master along with other titled players. I guess this demonstrates the depth of mastery within this domain, but the actual skill is pointed to in a book for personal development by cal Newport. It is about sustained focus, flow, and becoming really good over extended periods of practice. This is what I like most about chess. If I can transfer deep work to other areas of life, that would be great. I have already done it with other board games very easily. If I can apply that to social systems then that would be excellent, similar to deep work in the tech industry. I remember in the case of board games it was partially the competition that drove me to deeper focus. In social sciences the driver may different from competition. It might instead be finding a way to prevent unnecessary suffering while understanding humanity as clearly and comprehensively as possible. One of the bonuses is that I may prevent children from having their futures stolen by parents who are drug addicts if public policy reform is to be effective.