My problematic relationship with life and failure

[trenton]

To be honest, I don't know what can realistically help me. Nevertheless, I will take a shot because there is nothing to do with life at all other than take a shot at building the best life you can no matter what happens.

I need a lot of change but I don't know how to make the change. The reason I need change is because my family caused too much structural damage to my life and future and it is beyond repair. One example I have been wrestling with again lately is trying to find an alternative life path outside of the professional chess player route I wanted. In that case, they did to much to obstruct my goals and they now seem out of reach because I am a candidate master at age 27. I have been struggling for years to find an alternative path in life which is part of what brought me to personal development.

The problem with personal development is that it doesn't appear to apply to me. First of all, I already had the vision and motivation and then it was destroyed with no palatable alternative. Failure is supposed to be temporary information that guides you toward long term success. This isn't always true if failure means having the future and life you wanted denied, living you adrift due to circumstances beyond your control. The outcome is that it starts to appear as if my values, passions, and preferences are obstacles to be overcome rather than signals as to what I should pursue in life. Somehow I am supposed to find meaning in meaningless work with no real future to work toward as too much has already been taken.

I also need to build an alternative support network outside of my family. They control my finances because they want to teach me financial responsibility and independence while not having any stated parameters for achieving this goal. They did not give a concrete alternative to the life they denied and they are blaming me for feeling lost. I would have been better off with a family that forced me to become a lawyer. In my case my family forced me to not be a chess player but didn't give an alternative. I need a different support network because they caused too much damage and they are incapable of taking accountability. This includes my mother who took money for drugs and didn't give any real starting point for building any future. Nevertheless, they insist that I'm an adult and I need to build something other than what was denied with no real direction or plan.

Meanwhile, personal development seemed to be where I drifted to. I didn't find direction. Part of what I found was more ideas as to why I was wrong to want what I wanted, but I don't see what I'm supposed to want instead. I don't know where to go or who to get help from. Basically my experience with life has been that I am expected to just figure out everything alone without guidance. I tried learning a lot, but more information doesn't necessary give direction.

What I landed on is that spiritually appears to be the only path that offers anything at all. Family can fail you. Careers are circumstancial. All of these things can fail you due to bad luck and it doesn't seem to make sense in investing in such things once they lose the meaning and joy they once had. I'm drawn to spirituality for truth, love, and a lack of alternatives. Where else does one find meaning at all?

Maybe I can try dating in the hopes of finding different life possibilities. I'm unable to see possibilities worth pursuing. Of course the problem with this is that I need to come from a position of strength and not be miserable. I need to be established in an independent living situation, probably on my own with some job that probably is a terrible for me. Again there is no real support network. Autism informed employers might help with finding a match for this.

Ultimately, I'm miserable because I had the vision and energy and I failed anyway. Personal development for me is not about building a vision. It is about replacing an old one while reconciling the difference between a limiting belief and an actual limit. Clearly value exercises are not enough to actually guide me in life.

I just want to know what I would need to do in order to not be bitter in life. Otherwise, the perpetual bitterness makes it unclear why I shouldn't just end everything when there is no future to work toward. I need a new future, but I can't find one. I need to change, but I don't know who to change into. I don't want to become a rude asshole by allowing the bitterness to fester. I need something to prevent it from worsening.

[Hojo]

The biggest thing you can do is stop your family from funding your life. Its keeping you attached if you can have a place to think without constantly being reminded of them then you can heal. If you are constantly needing validation from people you dont like then you will have a bad time. 

If you cant do it yourself just insult them and stand your ground till they cut you off then you have no choice.

You cant heal the path if you stay with them. You haven't even started the path you need to leave.

I won't be fun to do but God will take care of you. 

Edited 11 hours ago by Hojo

[Davino]

I don't personally know you but this could be helpful.

1. You cannot heal in the same place that made you sick. Get space from your family, ideally outside of the same house. It's better to be in a shitty room in a far away apartment than having to live 24/7 with a toxic family that crushes your soul.

2. Get professional help: psychologist, a specialist in family trauma, a life coach, a physiotherapist... You don't have to be alone in this struggle. Make a supportive network that will give you the tools to rise and thrive in body, mind and emotions.

3. Find ways to make money that feel aligned. For example, maybe you could teach kids how to play chess, you could become a chess teacher. Find jobs that give you the money to enable 1 & 2  and that serve as a stepping stone towards having a job about something you truly like.

Lots of love❤️

[trenton]

@Davino I would love to move somewhere, but I don't know where to go. Maybe I could go to Massachusetts or Wyoming for the autism support groups. Maybe South Carolina for cheaper housing. Maybe live on campus on NKU and major in sociology. Maybe Spain to enroll in a chess academy. Maybe Germany to enroll in engineering.

I have a lot of maybes, but I need to commit somewhere. This seems like a lot to figure out alone. Does it even matter where I go if it is anywhere but here and at least offers some kind of future worth working towards? In that case I just need to pick any of the above options or the Buddhist monk thing in a nearby monastery, and then do it. It would be awesome to have somebody who could help with this sort of thing, but I believe the autism informed life coaches I am looking for are in Massachusetts. Therefore, I would probably have to go there to get help.

[Hojo]

@trenton thats why you force it to happen if you dont you will just sit there and not do anything.

[trenton]

1 hour ago, Hojo said:

@trenton thats why you force it to happen if you dont you will just sit there and not do anything.

@Hojo What exactly happens when I force things to happen? I remember I forced my siblings to go to the foster care system until my mother evicted my abusive stepfather by publicly confessing to homicidal thoughts. It seemed to have worked. I didn't exactly feel fulfilled by that despite getting what I wanted. I wanted to be a protector only to realize my family wasn't actually worth protecting. Does this mean that knowing what makes us happy and fulfilled requires forcing things to happen and then see how it makes us feel?

[Hojo]

@trenton next time they tell you to do something you dont want you tell them how it is. Next time they say something you dont like you tell them how it is. Stop taking shit. The second you stop taking the shit you will find yourself kicked out cause they won't like it. Then you are free and are forced to make a decisions.

You aren't forcing anything really, you are just not submitting anymore. When you stop submitting you will find out that they don't even care and they will kick you out. They need a slave stop being one.

You wont feel fullfilled when you leave either you will still feel abandoned but you need to go do something because clearly where you are at is not good for you being homeless would be better. And I doubt you will ever made the decision by yourself because its a huge leap especially if you are dependent on them.

When I was living in chaotic household I just said fk this shit and broke every rule set on me. Then my mother freaked out and snapped on me one day for no reason (Me and my brothers were in a room watching movie and she came in the room and muted our movie we were watching and she started talking on the phone, and I told her to go into a different room because we have 10 room and we are all watching a movie in this one) and kicked me out. It was traumatizing but it led to the funnest and best memories of my life so far and that led me to awakening ultimately.

It sound crazy but I've been on this forum for years and I see you are still having the same problems. That tells me you just gotta leave. If you cant do it then make it happen.

It could be the most traumatizing thing you do to date but its not working at home you are in a loop you cant get out of. I severed my relationships with every single person in my family.

When you need help God will send other people to help you.

Edited 5 hours ago by Hojo

[trenton]

@Hojo I have been doing a lot of research hoping it would help. Most of what I built were psychological models that serve to protect me from things lime suicide. It was part of my plan to move out, but the weight felt unbearable. This did at least serve as some psychological preparation for making such a radical decision.

I think the thing that is keeping me holding onto them is the fact that I wanted to be a professional player, but I required a robust support system in childhood in order to achieve it. They undermined that goal and my relationship with chess isn't the same anymore because the future isn't there.

Thank you for paying attention and noticing. I had a problem I didn't solve. I have considered the homeless possibility already. I spend most of my time outside anyway. I'm usually wandering the streets looking for somewhere to go. I found a Buddhist temple in southern ohio that I liked. I walked some pretty far distances. I have some buff legs. Part of me wonders what would happen if I just walked to one of those organizations in Massachusetts or Wyoming. I would prefer to have bike though because it would make traveling so much faster.