holy shit it's all a dream, i am all alone. I awoken.

[OBEler]

On 6/23/2026 at 8:45 PM, Majed said:

Alright so as i was deconstructing my mind, i realized that it's all a dream, and just like in a dream you're all alone, there's no one else. I literally mean it even you reading this is part of my dream. There's no one but me, but shit what i am doing in this dream, going to work and being with family, when it's all just a dream. i am flabbergasted, there's literally no one except me, people literally don't have bubbles it's just me. Jesus christ, i finally awoke and shit is disturbing. It's all a dream.

I finally understand when leo said: i am you guiding you to awaken.

I finally understand why sages live in a cave all by themselves. It all fucking make sense now. Except the sages are also part of this dream that i am dreaming, there are no sages, there's only me God. 

What happens on an awakening. is this an intellectual puzzle where you connect dots from diffeent past experiences and then Aha! this makes sense now?

Can you just step by step describe the process of your awakening exactly as it happened?

[Sugarcoat]

5 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

How so?  You made a stark conclusion.

Which? Saying its "beautiful" or my earlier replies?

[Sugarcoat]

23 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

I had a very serious psychological problem that I couldn't solve. My father was a real malignant narcissist; it's something extremely difficult to decipher. My parents died when I was a teenager, and I was left with a feeling of murderous hatred. I had to live with it all the time, so I was very addicted to intense things: extreme sports, sex, and drugs (always controlling the last fortunately)

At one point, I realized I had to face my reality. I tried to talk to my family about it, but they forbide it and blocked me. My sister spread that I have paranoid psychosis and that I'm a criminal 😅. She lives in terror that I'm going to her city to kill her. She's a psychologist,. studied thanks my business (now you might be thinking: "Oh, right, he's a paranoid psychotic").I lived from my own business from very young and some of them were, let's say bit unusual, so my family labeled me and bye.

In short, I decided to eliminate all external stimuli and face my reality without anesthesia. I spent about two or 3 years meditating for two or three hours every day, eliminating all distractions: novels, movies, socializing, alcohol, until absolutely nothing remained. I also took psychedelics in high doses hundreds of times. My focus was total. Little by little, with enormous effort, I delved deeper, and at a certain point, my mind shifted.

The entire trauma was first fully perceived, then integrated, and went from being a barrier to an impulse. After that, I started meditating constantly, staring into the abyss of death. It was fascinating, like having a terrifying, unfathomable chasm before me. My past gliding in worse condition possible, climbing walls, and sailing in search of the most challenging situations helped me a lot.

At a certain point, that abyss became attractive, and suddenly I wasn't looking at the abyss; I was the abyss. I had no limits, and all of reality was flowing, and I was that flow. Yes! Yessss!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Total.

I can do that with a little time, and I have that state many times throughout each day, but that doesn't mean it doesn't generate enormous anxiety if my economy collapses or if the doctor tells me I have something strange. But in background there is not a wounded psyche, it's always the abyss, and the abyss smiles me all time, be one with it is the best possiblity possible, and the energy flows free. But you are still a human and a human has to fight and grow every single moment, because otherwise you sink. Nothing is static, so we have to move forward always, not for a reason but because it's the drive of reality 

You have a very strong presence on this forum. Personally, irregardless of how I'm perceived, I imagine I´d feel uncomfortable sharing such explicit things. How does that work for you, if you'd like to share. "But in background there is not a wounded psyche", maybe it answers my question already but still. Anyways it's special to read, it sounds really intense, like I have hard time imagining being able to suffer through all of that without you know... trying to exit (no pun intended) .  But thats just how my mind works 

[Breakingthewall]

6 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

How does that work for you, if you'd like to share.

Of course. I laugh at them so loud that they'd be right to ban me, or maybe they should just commit suicide.

The reason they call myself a dangerous criminal is that, a few years ago, my business was growing weed. During the COVID lockdown, I'd drive along those empty, post-apocalyptic highways with the car loaded with weed, stopping at police checkpoints and showing them a certificate a friend had arranged for me stating that I was an ophthalmology laser technician working at a hospital. They'd wave me through, and I'd drive off laughing with evil laugh bwahahaha. I did that twice a week and made a good business 

The truth is, I loved that job, but the production ,and approached it like an engineer. Later I switched the whole operation over to CBD, which was completely legal and still profitable.
Before that, I'd spent about seven years living on sailboats, sailing thousands and thousands of miles. My idea was always to learn enough to eventually build a business around it. At one point I sailed from Venezuela to Spain across the North Atlantic, about 50 days at open sea beginning spring, (stops in Jamaica, Cuba, etc but 20 days no stop from Bermuda) with my ex-girlfriend. She was already my ex by then; we'd broken up about two years earlier, we didn't have sex, we were simply friends. Apparently she didn't think I was psychotic, because on a very old boat, after spending two months repairing it in Venezuela before heading into the North Atlantic with 8 m waves and that, every mistake can easily turn into a funny situation .

Before that I ran a dating platform, but entirely over the phone, talking . In reality, it was basically a top-tier telephone sexual fantasy pervert max level , no workers, all free perverts, but the money rained. (That's how I ended up spending seven years sailing) Alongside all of that, I was always deeply into rock climbing and hang gliding under demanding conditions, as a form of mental and physical training, same than serious boxing . But I also was too much into party, drugs, sex. My psyche was unbalanced, but I totally knew where I was from teen, and where I wanted to arrive 

Before that, I owned a small company installing call centers and office data networks, working with two technicians and an administrative assistant (I was 26)  Before that I spent nine months as a salesman for a similar company. Before that I sold houses for four months . Before that I spent eight months in the army (wtf). Before that I worked nine months as a construction laborer. Before that I worked in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. And before that I lived with my fifty-year-old alcoholic narcissist father and his thirty-five-year-old wealthy, depressed wife, who financially supported him. Before that I lived with my mother, who was Turkish, who didn't even know sex existed until she was 19 y.o but who was deep 

Now I want to go back to boats. CBD is fine, but you only live once. My plan is to find aluminum sailboats in very bad condition in the Caribbean, boats worth around $300,000 once restored, bring them back to Spain, give them a premium refit, and sell them to someone who's retired and wants to sail around the world. I've already bought and sold fourteen boats at a profit except 2 of them, cheap sailboats, max 30k. 

The only problem is that I need a hot girlfriend with whom I have an absolute deep connection to come with me.  I've told the gods that I'm not going to have sex again until she appears. So maybe I'll end up as a monk. But this decision make my life much more clean, huge difference. Looking for sex is toxic. 

Then, the fact that my profoundly mentally retarded psychologist sister tells everyone I have paranoid psychosis, even though I gave her the opportunity to study psychology, and has spent years telling to the more or less thirty members of my family (conservative religious) that I'm a terrible criminal and that she's afraid I'll kill her (her narcissist ego maybe she meant), is for me an extraordinary exercise in observing attachment to the clan and the need for social acceptance (honestly was a big challenge very unbalancing) . I genuinely thank her for that. Maybe one day she'll recover from her vulnerable narcissism, and I'll be able to tell her. Until that, just the facts will talk. Freedom and life. Let's die with an open heart. 

Edited Wednesday at 06:03 PM by Breakingthewall

[Carl-Richard]

19 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

her vulnerable narcissism

 

[vibv]

@Majed What you are is so much greater than you realize.

[Wilhelm44]

19 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Of course. I laugh at them so loud that they'd be right to ban me, or maybe they should just commit suicide.

The reason they call myself a dangerous criminal is that, a few years ago, my business was growing weed. During the COVID lockdown, I'd drive along those empty, post-apocalyptic highways with the car loaded with weed, stopping at police checkpoints and showing them a certificate a friend had arranged for me stating that I was an ophthalmology laser technician working at a hospital. They'd wave me through, and I'd drive off laughing with evil laugh bwahahaha. I did that twice a week and made a good business 

The truth is, I loved that job, but the production ,and approached it like an engineer. Later I switched the whole operation over to CBD, which was completely legal and still profitable.
Before that, I'd spent about seven years living on sailboats, sailing thousands and thousands of miles. My idea was always to learn enough to eventually build a business around it. At one point I sailed from Venezuela to Spain across the North Atlantic, about 50 days at open sea beginning spring, (stops in Jamaica, Cuba, etc but 20 days no stop from Bermuda) with my ex-girlfriend. She was already my ex by then; we'd broken up about two years earlier, we didn't have sex, we were simply friends. Apparently she didn't think I was psychotic, because on a very old boat, after spending two months repairing it in Venezuela before heading into the North Atlantic with 8 m waves and that, every mistake can easily turn into a funny situation .

Before that I ran a dating platform, but entirely over the phone, talking . In reality, it was basically a top-tier telephone sexual fantasy pervert max level , no workers, all free perverts, but the money rained. (That's how I ended up spending seven years sailing) Alongside all of that, I was always deeply into rock climbing and hang gliding under demanding conditions, as a form of mental and physical training, same than serious boxing . But I also was too much into party, drugs, sex. My psyche was unbalanced, but I totally knew where I was from teen, and where I wanted to arrive 

Before that, I owned a small company installing call centers and office data networks, working with two technicians and an administrative assistant (I was 26)  Before that I spent nine months as a salesman for a similar company. Before that I sold houses for four months . Before that I spent eight months in the army (wtf). Before that I worked nine months as a construction laborer. Before that I worked in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. And before that I lived with my fifty-year-old alcoholic narcissist father and his thirty-five-year-old wealthy, depressed wife, who financially supported him. Before that I lived with my mother, who was Turkish, who didn't even know sex existed until she was 19 y.o but who was deep 

Now I want to go back to boats. CBD is fine, but you only live once. My plan is to find aluminum sailboats in very bad condition in the Caribbean, boats worth around $300,000 once restored, bring them back to Spain, give them a premium refit, and sell them to someone who's retired and wants to sail around the world. I've already bought and sold fourteen boats at a profit except 2 of them, cheap sailboats, max 30k. 

The only problem is that I need a hot girlfriend with whom I have an absolute deep connection to come with me.  I've told the gods that I'm not going to have sex again until she appears. So maybe I'll end up as a monk. But this decision make my life much more clean, huge difference. Looking for sex is toxic. 

Then, the fact that my profoundly mentally retarded psychologist sister tells everyone I have paranoid psychosis, even though I gave her the opportunity to study psychology, and has spent years telling to the more or less thirty members of my family (conservative religious) that I'm a terrible criminal and that she's afraid I'll kill her (her narcissist ego maybe she meant), is for me an extraordinary exercise in observing attachment to the clan and the need for social acceptance (honestly was a big challenge very unbalancing) . I genuinely thank her for that. Maybe one day she'll recover from her vulnerable narcissism, and I'll be able to tell her. Until that, just the facts will talk. Freedom and life. Let's die with an open heart. 

This will be a good movie.

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

 

"Narcissist" and "therapist" use to be synonyms. And "coach" is another level. 

Narcissist are fascinating, it's incredible how they can sustain their narratives. Contemplating their behavior is better than a documentary of national geographic. 

And it's absolutely, completely, totally impossible confronting them. 

[Breakingthewall]

5 hours ago, Wilhelm44 said:

This will be a good movie.

Psychosis 

[Carl-Richard]

18 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

"Narcissist" and "therapist" use to be synonyms. And "coach" is another level. 

Narcissist are fascinating, it's incredible how they can sustain their narratives. Contemplating their behavior is better than a documentary of national geographic. 

And it's absolutely, completely, totally impossible confronting them. 

Tell me more.

[Breakingthewall]

6 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Tell me more.

About what?

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-02 at 0:27 PM, Breakingthewall said:

And it's absolutely, completely, totally impossible confronting them. 

Some people I have genuinely thought even the strongest psychedelic wouldn't do nothing to them once its over theyd just bounce back like they got infinite walls so theres no point trying to break 

Edited 8 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Ziran]

@Breakingthewall,

Thank you for sharing.  It's very nice to meet you.

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-01 at 3:30 PM, Breakingthewall said:

Of course. I laugh at them so loud that they'd be right to ban me, or maybe they should just commit suicide.

The reason they call myself a dangerous criminal is that, a few years ago, my business was growing weed. During the COVID lockdown, I'd drive along those empty, post-apocalyptic highways with the car loaded with weed, stopping at police checkpoints and showing them a certificate a friend had arranged for me stating that I was an ophthalmology laser technician working at a hospital. They'd wave me through, and I'd drive off laughing with evil laugh bwahahaha. I did that twice a week and made a good business 

The truth is, I loved that job, but the production ,and approached it like an engineer. Later I switched the whole operation over to CBD, which was completely legal and still profitable.
Before that, I'd spent about seven years living on sailboats, sailing thousands and thousands of miles. My idea was always to learn enough to eventually build a business around it. At one point I sailed from Venezuela to Spain across the North Atlantic, about 50 days at open sea beginning spring, (stops in Jamaica, Cuba, etc but 20 days no stop from Bermuda) with my ex-girlfriend. She was already my ex by then; we'd broken up about two years earlier, we didn't have sex, we were simply friends. Apparently she didn't think I was psychotic, because on a very old boat, after spending two months repairing it in Venezuela before heading into the North Atlantic with 8 m waves and that, every mistake can easily turn into a funny situation .

Before that I ran a dating platform, but entirely over the phone, talking . In reality, it was basically a top-tier telephone sexual fantasy pervert max level , no workers, all free perverts, but the money rained. (That's how I ended up spending seven years sailing) Alongside all of that, I was always deeply into rock climbing and hang gliding under demanding conditions, as a form of mental and physical training, same than serious boxing . But I also was too much into party, drugs, sex. My psyche was unbalanced, but I totally knew where I was from teen, and where I wanted to arrive 

Before that, I owned a small company installing call centers and office data networks, working with two technicians and an administrative assistant (I was 26)  Before that I spent nine months as a salesman for a similar company. Before that I sold houses for four months . Before that I spent eight months in the army (wtf). Before that I worked nine months as a construction laborer. Before that I worked in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. And before that I lived with my fifty-year-old alcoholic narcissist father and his thirty-five-year-old wealthy, depressed wife, who financially supported him. Before that I lived with my mother, who was Turkish, who didn't even know sex existed until she was 19 y.o but who was deep 

Now I want to go back to boats. CBD is fine, but you only live once. My plan is to find aluminum sailboats in very bad condition in the Caribbean, boats worth around $300,000 once restored, bring them back to Spain, give them a premium refit, and sell them to someone who's retired and wants to sail around the world. I've already bought and sold fourteen boats at a profit except 2 of them, cheap sailboats, max 30k. 

The only problem is that I need a hot girlfriend with whom I have an absolute deep connection to come with me.  I've told the gods that I'm not going to have sex again until she appears. So maybe I'll end up as a monk. But this decision make my life much more clean, huge difference. Looking for sex is toxic. 

Then, the fact that my profoundly mentally retarded psychologist sister tells everyone I have paranoid psychosis, even though I gave her the opportunity to study psychology, and has spent years telling to the more or less thirty members of my family (conservative religious) that I'm a terrible criminal and that she's afraid I'll kill her (her narcissist ego maybe she meant), is for me an extraordinary exercise in observing attachment to the clan and the need for social acceptance (honestly was a big challenge very unbalancing) . I genuinely thank her for that. Maybe one day she'll recover from her vulnerable narcissism, and I'll be able to tell her. Until that, just the facts will talk. Freedom and life. Let's die with an open heart. 

Reading that, it sounds like you naturally have just so much intense energy, I also have in some way but for me it's kinda the opposite of the sort of extroverted tendency im getting from you. For me, the intense energy inside makes me struggle to engage with the world at all, even sometimes with basic chores, or just with replying. It has been very exhausting at times, so ive always sort of had this tendency where I try to release the pent up energy. I also recently from this kundalini rising energy (it seems to be that, based on descriptions), have developed another thing keeping me "imprisoned " and its this "forced sleepiness". I can literally, it happened as I was writing this, I just get"wave" of sleepiness that feels like I dont have it in me to fight back, but I tend to naturally find way to  wake up again (not literally but it reminds me of it) , for example saying something more authentic than what I said before the sleepiness wave. Very random but basically to sum this up what I said: I am so "inside", that I can feel very limited in my engagement with the world because if I do something that isn't properly "aligned", I either get sleepy or zone out.

One of the most craziest examples I have of how strong it can be for me, is that one time when I was talking to my mom (she is textbook definition of neurotic, and people lose their shit on her so its not just me saying this) it felt like I literally "lost consciousness" for a few seconds. I mean like going unconscious and even losing vision for a few seconds. It was a bit disturbing to me actually because it fed this thought in me of feeling like I have the potential to be controlled if I dont do the right thing (for example in this case, trying to engage with someone with "bad energy"). Not controlled from outside by entity or something , but literally just like the most extreme versions of "zoning out" that I didnt even know was possible before i experienced it. I got the thought, what if you can just be transported into some other realm to "learn a lesson" and then come back here. Ok maybe later I'll read this again and regain some sense of "theres people around that can see this" and chose to delete, but whatever. I mean, you went on absolute rampage talking about your life, so then I feel theres not much rules in what I say, I can deviate off topic however much I want. 

Ok back to the topic ahaha. 

Or no idk what to say at all. Idk about you but when I write authentically like this without much inhibition I feel increasingly "emptied", maybe I said it before. 

Ok I can mention some thoughts I thought was funny when I read you insane life story. 

One of the first things I thought when you mentioned the sailing, was that it reminded me of Christopher Columbus😂. I dont know the details of what he did but I remember he sailed to America or something and thats insane, because in history class in school, even then I thought it sounded unbelievable. I almost couldn't comprehend that a human can do that, survive, and actually, just keep themselves attentive to what's happening for so long, because I imagine it requires so much attention, how do you not lose yourself in it, is what im thinking. 

Also the mentioning of military. I nearly had to go do it too, but I had epilepsy when I was younger, and it had healed, but the tapering off the meds took really long. So when I was filling in the form with the questions for the military screening or whatever it's called, I realized that being on the meds was this one single thing that prevented me from having to go. Actually, my memory tells me I even had quit the meds, but the question was "have you taken meds for one of the following conditions lately", so I was hanging on a thin thread with the hope of not having to do the military. Because I didnt want to at all, it would be such deep waste of time, is what I thought. So when I realized that the only thing that saved me from it was taking those meds recently, I thought to myself how the epilepsy was a literal blessing. "thank you lord" hahahah. 

I can also relate to this thing about people having suspicions , but not nearly as severe as in your case. But it is so ingrained in people, to judge what's outside the norm in a way that makes them uncomfortable, that even if im not argumentative barely at all, someone can still be creeped out or something and say judgey things. Its not a problem to be judged for me, but when they are involved in my life and I care about them and they have ability to affect my life happenings, then its relevant issue. In your case with your sister, thats next level. If I lived like that I would feel like id have to be vigilant every day or something about every move I make . But also the opposite could happen, what if you kind of came up with some "speech" or something ., You speak so much here on this forum, youre good at writing, what if you could channel it into some spectacular soul crushing speech to them. Basically gathering as much of those people that resent you for living like you do, perhaps bring them onto your boat if they dare. Then you tell them everything you want to say, and if they aren't convinced, if they still believe youre a psycho etc and you feel they could call police at any moment if they wish, then you could just throw them in the water maybe? Like the opposite of Noahs Ark (im not planning this writing idk where im getting these analogies from 😂) 

Because you wrote in that first sentence that the people in the forum could commit suicide, but what have they even done , at most maybe called you a charlatan or something?? It sounded very harsh to me that sentence, and im not an easily offended person. Consider, that there may be some discrepancy between how you think youre being percieved vs how youre actually percieved , and how you sense judgment that may not be there much at all from someone. I hope it's not too difficult to read, but I dont feel like revising it right now so. But just, you may be exceptional at this ability to access the open nature, but consider that you may very well be flawed more than you realize in your ability to percieve "self" in both yourself and others. Maybe you are good at describing the very basic structure of it, basically "the nature" of it, but then the things that are more about how it expresses itself, then there may be some misunderstandings there, hence why I get like a little hostile sense from you sometimes but it doesn't seem from my perspective that the other person is judging you barely at all (im thinking mainly of two users, you know, the white man with the suit that writes romantic sounding poetry and ends it with "inshallah" only to write "namaste" the next day, trying to be some kind of "mr worldwide". Then we have that one vegan, who wouldn't even hurt a sardine, and has written cute emojis at the end of some non dual texts, but still somehow you manage to percieve these two as if theyre judging you, rather than just finding it stimulating to discuss or something??) 

I could elaborate but, I feel I am putting myself too much out there now perhaps. Might revise later, but its good sometimes to just write whatever comes up, then post, notice the engagement or sometimes lack thereof (maybe feeling embarrassed, could pop up) but its okay for now. If you can write 17 k posts about nature of reality and that crazy reply you sent me about your life, then it's fine I write this soup I just wrote. 

Hope youre well,  and perhaps also someone else out there who even bothered to read this mess

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Breakingthewall]

Quote

 

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Because you wrote in that first sentence that the people in the forum could commit suicide

I meant my family not the people from the forum 😅.  

My family's situation was an enigma to me. I saw fragments, but being inside it made it almost impossible to understand. I knew something was deeply wrong but I thought it was me, and during my teenage years I descended into an increasingly dark state until I reached a level of brutal psychological suffering.

Resume, my father was a con artist, a complete son of a bitch and a world-class self-destructive alcoholic. For example, he underwent surgery for throat cancer at the age of thirty-eight, and afterward he smoked ninety cigarettes a day and drank an entire bottle of gin, starting with breakfast. That, in itself, isn't unique, there are many self-destructive alcoholics, but my father was an artist, a genius, a god. He created the appearance of being a leader, a genius, an artist, an idol, a ubermensch. This was a man who had spent ten years at university without passing a single course and had been fired from every job he ever held, but he managed to have contacts, and women in love of him 

In short, I wanted to be like him. He was my idol and my god. He used to give me long lectures about Hitler as the greatest achievement of the human race. When I was eleven, he would say, "Let's shower together, like men," then compare our bodies and repeat over and over that my penis was small, that he was perfect and I was disgusting. Then he would buy me an expensive gift and tell me my mother was mentally retarded. And I would think, He's not a man. He's a god. Then I would do my best effort to be a piece of shit, seeing any integrity as weakness. 

In my mind there was a religion: my father, that living god, that supreme being, that avatar, and I was fortunate enough to have been insulted by him.
Eventually I reached a point where I understood nothing. I didn't dare speak to anyone. If I went to the supermarket, I couldn't even bring myself to speak to the cashier because I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Everything felt insane, alien, unreal. My mind was a whirlwind of self-directed aggression. Every tiny humiliation I had ever experienced echoed over and over again, like the crack of a whip.

Then, one day, I was walking alone through the countryside, trapped in rumination and suffering, when something happened. It was overwhelming. Inside my mind I felt what seemed like a massive steel gear, weighing tons, slowly turning until, with one final, decisive impact, it locked perfectly into place.
I couldn't believe it. It felt like a miracle. Suddenly, all doubt disappeared.
My mind became a vector. It was like a samurai tying the band around his forehead before committing seppuku, without the slightest hesitation. absolute certainty. I was eighteen or nineteen years old.
From that moment on, reality became war, and there were only two possibilities: win or die. Everything became radically simple. There was nothing left to weigh, nothing left to analyze.
Of course, everything remained incredibly difficult. I still couldn't talk to people. I still couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even remember my mother, who had died three years earlier. I knew she had existed, but I couldn't retrieve a single memory of her.
My psyche was like a massive slab of stone, a labyrinth of madness. But the direction, the vector, was absolute.
I never doubted again. 

Then the work for clarify that horrible psyche that my father helped me to build was a interesting mission. If my father wouldn't die when I was still teen maybe I would kill him, but if I would saw him now I would say him thanks. No father could be better , he gave me the handicap necessary to make the game interesting and the liberation possible 

Edited 1 hour ago by Breakingthewall