holy shit it's all a dream, i am all alone. I awoken.

[OBEler]

On 6/23/2026 at 8:45 PM, Majed said:

Alright so as i was deconstructing my mind, i realized that it's all a dream, and just like in a dream you're all alone, there's no one else. I literally mean it even you reading this is part of my dream. There's no one but me, but shit what i am doing in this dream, going to work and being with family, when it's all just a dream. i am flabbergasted, there's literally no one except me, people literally don't have bubbles it's just me. Jesus christ, i finally awoke and shit is disturbing. It's all a dream.

I finally understand when leo said: i am you guiding you to awaken.

I finally understand why sages live in a cave all by themselves. It all fucking make sense now. Except the sages are also part of this dream that i am dreaming, there are no sages, there's only me God. 

What happens on an awakening. is this an intellectual puzzle where you connect dots from diffeent past experiences and then Aha! this makes sense now?

Can you just step by step describe the process of your awakening exactly as it happened?

[Sugarcoat]

5 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

How so?  You made a stark conclusion.

Which? Saying its "beautiful" or my earlier replies?

[Sugarcoat]

23 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

I had a very serious psychological problem that I couldn't solve. My father was a real malignant narcissist; it's something extremely difficult to decipher. My parents died when I was a teenager, and I was left with a feeling of murderous hatred. I had to live with it all the time, so I was very addicted to intense things: extreme sports, sex, and drugs (always controlling the last fortunately)

At one point, I realized I had to face my reality. I tried to talk to my family about it, but they forbide it and blocked me. My sister spread that I have paranoid psychosis and that I'm a criminal 😅. She lives in terror that I'm going to her city to kill her. She's a psychologist,. studied thanks my business (now you might be thinking: "Oh, right, he's a paranoid psychotic").I lived from my own business from very young and some of them were, let's say bit unusual, so my family labeled me and bye.

In short, I decided to eliminate all external stimuli and face my reality without anesthesia. I spent about two or 3 years meditating for two or three hours every day, eliminating all distractions: novels, movies, socializing, alcohol, until absolutely nothing remained. I also took psychedelics in high doses hundreds of times. My focus was total. Little by little, with enormous effort, I delved deeper, and at a certain point, my mind shifted.

The entire trauma was first fully perceived, then integrated, and went from being a barrier to an impulse. After that, I started meditating constantly, staring into the abyss of death. It was fascinating, like having a terrifying, unfathomable chasm before me. My past gliding in worse condition possible, climbing walls, and sailing in search of the most challenging situations helped me a lot.

At a certain point, that abyss became attractive, and suddenly I wasn't looking at the abyss; I was the abyss. I had no limits, and all of reality was flowing, and I was that flow. Yes! Yessss!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Total.

I can do that with a little time, and I have that state many times throughout each day, but that doesn't mean it doesn't generate enormous anxiety if my economy collapses or if the doctor tells me I have something strange. But in background there is not a wounded psyche, it's always the abyss, and the abyss smiles me all time, be one with it is the best possiblity possible, and the energy flows free. But you are still a human and a human has to fight and grow every single moment, because otherwise you sink. Nothing is static, so we have to move forward always, not for a reason but because it's the drive of reality 

You have a very strong presence on this forum. Personally, irregardless of how I'm perceived, I imagine I´d feel uncomfortable sharing such explicit things. How does that work for you, if you'd like to share. "But in background there is not a wounded psyche", maybe it answers my question already but still. Anyways it's special to read, it sounds really intense, like I have hard time imagining being able to suffer through all of that without you know... trying to exit (no pun intended) .  But thats just how my mind works 

[Breakingthewall]

6 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

How does that work for you, if you'd like to share.

Of course. I laugh at them so loud that they'd be right to ban me, or maybe they should just commit suicide.

The reason they call myself a dangerous criminal is that, a few years ago, my business was growing weed. During the COVID lockdown, I'd drive along those empty, post-apocalyptic highways with the car loaded with weed, stopping at police checkpoints and showing them a certificate a friend had arranged for me stating that I was an ophthalmology laser technician working at a hospital. They'd wave me through, and I'd drive off laughing with evil laugh bwahahaha. I did that twice a week and made a good business 

The truth is, I loved that job, but the production ,and approached it like an engineer. Later I switched the whole operation over to CBD, which was completely legal and still profitable.
Before that, I'd spent about seven years living on sailboats, sailing thousands and thousands of miles. My idea was always to learn enough to eventually build a business around it. At one point I sailed from Venezuela to Spain across the North Atlantic, about 50 days at open sea beginning spring, (stops in Jamaica, Cuba, etc but 20 days no stop from Bermuda) with my ex-girlfriend. She was already my ex by then; we'd broken up about two years earlier, we didn't have sex, we were simply friends. Apparently she didn't think I was psychotic, because on a very old boat, after spending two months repairing it in Venezuela before heading into the North Atlantic with 8 m waves and that, every mistake can easily turn into a funny situation .

Before that I ran a dating platform, but entirely over the phone, talking . In reality, it was basically a top-tier telephone sexual fantasy pervert max level , no workers, all free perverts, but the money rained. (That's how I ended up spending seven years sailing) Alongside all of that, I was always deeply into rock climbing and hang gliding under demanding conditions, as a form of mental and physical training, same than serious boxing . But I also was too much into party, drugs, sex. My psyche was unbalanced, but I totally knew where I was from teen, and where I wanted to arrive 

Before that, I owned a small company installing call centers and office data networks, working with two technicians and an administrative assistant (I was 26)  Before that I spent nine months as a salesman for a similar company. Before that I sold houses for four months . Before that I spent eight months in the army (wtf). Before that I worked nine months as a construction laborer. Before that I worked in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. And before that I lived with my fifty-year-old alcoholic narcissist father and his thirty-five-year-old wealthy, depressed wife, who financially supported him. Before that I lived with my mother, who was Turkish, who didn't even know sex existed until she was 19 y.o but who was deep 

Now I want to go back to boats. CBD is fine, but you only live once. My plan is to find aluminum sailboats in very bad condition in the Caribbean, boats worth around $300,000 once restored, bring them back to Spain, give them a premium refit, and sell them to someone who's retired and wants to sail around the world. I've already bought and sold fourteen boats at a profit except 2 of them, cheap sailboats, max 30k. 

The only problem is that I need a hot girlfriend with whom I have an absolute deep connection to come with me.  I've told the gods that I'm not going to have sex again until she appears. So maybe I'll end up as a monk. But this decision make my life much more clean, huge difference. Looking for sex is toxic. 

Then, the fact that my profoundly mentally retarded psychologist sister tells everyone I have paranoid psychosis, even though I gave her the opportunity to study psychology, and has spent years telling to the more or less thirty members of my family (conservative religious) that I'm a terrible criminal and that she's afraid I'll kill her (her narcissist ego maybe she meant), is for me an extraordinary exercise in observing attachment to the clan and the need for social acceptance (honestly was a big challenge very unbalancing) . I genuinely thank her for that. Maybe one day she'll recover from her vulnerable narcissism, and I'll be able to tell her. Until that, just the facts will talk. Freedom and life. Let's die with an open heart. 

Edited 22 hours ago by Breakingthewall

[Carl-Richard]

19 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

her vulnerable narcissism

 

[vibv]

@Majed What you are is so much greater than you realize.

[Wilhelm44]

19 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Of course. I laugh at them so loud that they'd be right to ban me, or maybe they should just commit suicide.

The reason they call myself a dangerous criminal is that, a few years ago, my business was growing weed. During the COVID lockdown, I'd drive along those empty, post-apocalyptic highways with the car loaded with weed, stopping at police checkpoints and showing them a certificate a friend had arranged for me stating that I was an ophthalmology laser technician working at a hospital. They'd wave me through, and I'd drive off laughing with evil laugh bwahahaha. I did that twice a week and made a good business 

The truth is, I loved that job, but the production ,and approached it like an engineer. Later I switched the whole operation over to CBD, which was completely legal and still profitable.
Before that, I'd spent about seven years living on sailboats, sailing thousands and thousands of miles. My idea was always to learn enough to eventually build a business around it. At one point I sailed from Venezuela to Spain across the North Atlantic, about 50 days at open sea beginning spring, (stops in Jamaica, Cuba, etc but 20 days no stop from Bermuda) with my ex-girlfriend. She was already my ex by then; we'd broken up about two years earlier, we didn't have sex, we were simply friends. Apparently she didn't think I was psychotic, because on a very old boat, after spending two months repairing it in Venezuela before heading into the North Atlantic with 8 m waves and that, every mistake can easily turn into a funny situation .

Before that I ran a dating platform, but entirely over the phone, talking . In reality, it was basically a top-tier telephone sexual fantasy pervert max level , no workers, all free perverts, but the money rained. (That's how I ended up spending seven years sailing) Alongside all of that, I was always deeply into rock climbing and hang gliding under demanding conditions, as a form of mental and physical training, same than serious boxing . But I also was too much into party, drugs, sex. My psyche was unbalanced, but I totally knew where I was from teen, and where I wanted to arrive 

Before that, I owned a small company installing call centers and office data networks, working with two technicians and an administrative assistant (I was 26)  Before that I spent nine months as a salesman for a similar company. Before that I sold houses for four months . Before that I spent eight months in the army (wtf). Before that I worked nine months as a construction laborer. Before that I worked in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. And before that I lived with my fifty-year-old alcoholic narcissist father and his thirty-five-year-old wealthy, depressed wife, who financially supported him. Before that I lived with my mother, who was Turkish, who didn't even know sex existed until she was 19 y.o but who was deep 

Now I want to go back to boats. CBD is fine, but you only live once. My plan is to find aluminum sailboats in very bad condition in the Caribbean, boats worth around $300,000 once restored, bring them back to Spain, give them a premium refit, and sell them to someone who's retired and wants to sail around the world. I've already bought and sold fourteen boats at a profit except 2 of them, cheap sailboats, max 30k. 

The only problem is that I need a hot girlfriend with whom I have an absolute deep connection to come with me.  I've told the gods that I'm not going to have sex again until she appears. So maybe I'll end up as a monk. But this decision make my life much more clean, huge difference. Looking for sex is toxic. 

Then, the fact that my profoundly mentally retarded psychologist sister tells everyone I have paranoid psychosis, even though I gave her the opportunity to study psychology, and has spent years telling to the more or less thirty members of my family (conservative religious) that I'm a terrible criminal and that she's afraid I'll kill her (her narcissist ego maybe she meant), is for me an extraordinary exercise in observing attachment to the clan and the need for social acceptance (honestly was a big challenge very unbalancing) . I genuinely thank her for that. Maybe one day she'll recover from her vulnerable narcissism, and I'll be able to tell her. Until that, just the facts will talk. Freedom and life. Let's die with an open heart. 

This will be a good movie.

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

 

"Narcissist" and "therapist" use to be synonyms. And "coach" is another level. 

Narcissist are fascinating, it's incredible how they can sustain their narratives. Contemplating their behavior is better than a documentary of national geographic. 

And it's absolutely, completely, totally impossible confronting them. 

[Breakingthewall]

5 hours ago, Wilhelm44 said:

This will be a good movie.

Psychosis