Relationships

[Spiral]

I’ve been single quite a few years now. My last and only relationship was very unorthodox to say the least. 

I don’t know if the following is truly the case, but it seems so to me, based on family and friends.

Basically you as a guy, go on a bunch of dates. To restaurants, malls, Christmas markets and a bunch of other “boring” stuff to keep your girlfriend happy. Ideally this works, but it’s not usual that’s it doesn’t.

Is this really what that’s like? If so how often do you need to do this? Or maybe I’m just picking poorly if I don’t enjoy this sort of stuff

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRzdqh4sYPQ

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwQcXggR0Jg

 

[meta_male]

If you feel like you’re just forcing yourself into stuff you don't like, that’s probably more of a mismatch rather than what relationships are like.

[something_else]

3 hours ago, Spiral said:

Basically you as a guy, go on a bunch of dates. To restaurants, malls, Christmas markets and a bunch of other “boring” stuff to keep your girlfriend happy. Ideally this works, but it’s not usual that’s it doesn’t.

I mean if you are with the right girl, this stuff doesn't feel boring.

Generally it's also good to have shared interests so that the stuff you do together is stuff you both enjoy.

[moonawakening444]

4 hours ago, Spiral said:

To restaurants, malls, Christmas markets and a bunch of other “boring” stuff to keep your girlfriend happy.

not all women need this stuff to feel content in a relationship with you 

[aurum]

4 hours ago, Spiral said:

Basically you as a guy, go on a bunch of dates. To restaurants, malls, Christmas markets and a bunch of other “boring” stuff to keep your girlfriend happy. Ideally this works, but it’s not usual that’s it doesn’t.

Depends on the girl you pick.

Many will absolutely want those activities. But not all of them, and not all to the same degree.

At the same time, If you're in a relationship you're going to be spending your time together doing something. She's not just going to sit there and watch you play video games all day. So you need at least some activities. 

Edited 1 hour ago by aurum

[enchanted]

5 hours ago, Spiral said:

I’ve been single quite a few years now. My last and only relationship was very unorthodox to say the least. 

I don’t know if the following is truly the case, but it seems so to me, based on family and friends.

Basically you as a guy, go on a bunch of dates. To restaurants, malls, Christmas markets and a bunch of other “boring” stuff to keep your girlfriend happy. Ideally this works, but it’s not usual that’s it doesn’t.

Is this really what that’s like? If so how often do you need to do this? Or maybe I’m just picking poorly if I don’t enjoy this sort of stuff

 

Relationships is a lot like money. Both are good to have but neither makes you as happy as you think it will. You need both to meet your basic needs but don't expect euphoria from either. Getting euphoria from money or relationships is a lie by clever marketers to sell products, and ideas, and clothes, movies, books, etc.

Realizing this lowers your expectations for relationships and actually makes them better. In some sense the secret to happiness is low expectations.

Edited 1 hour ago by enchanted

[bazera]

56 minutes ago, enchanted said:

Realizing this lowers your expectations for relationships and actually makes them better.

In what way?

Most girls expect that euphoria in a relationship, and if you can't provide it, they percieve that as a problem. 

[enchanted]

17 minutes ago, bazera said:

In what way?

Most girls expect that euphoria in a relationship, and if you can't provide it, they percieve that as a problem. 

For both men and women, when your expectations (i.e. your hopes, neediness, demands from the other person) are lower you are more relaxed, less clingy, less desperate. From a relaxed state you make better choices and become a better partner in a relationship and thus you get a better relationship. 

Demanding the other person make you happy or demanding from yourself to make the other person happy leads to disaster. This applies to both men and women. 

Edited 32 minutes ago by enchanted

[bazera]

7 minutes ago, enchanted said:

Demanding the other person make you happy or demanding from yourself to make the other person happy leads to disaster. This applies to both men and women. 

Yes I agree.

But still, when we are in a relationship, there's that untold agreement that some expectations should be met, some expectations define a relationship, right? So there are some responsibilities on both parties, that shape a relationship.

If we strip away those expectations, why have a relationship at all?

[enchanted]

13 minutes ago, bazera said:

Yes I agree.

But still, when we are in a relationship, there's that untold agreement that some expectations should be met, some expectations define a relationship, right? So there are some responsibilities on both parties, that shape a relationship.

If we strip away those expectations, why have a relationship at all?

Yes, exactly relationships are about responsibility and realistic expectations more than anything. Realistic expectations seem low when it's compared to songs and movies. Op was expecting restaurants and Christmas markets to be fun but they are more of a responsibility and a minimum expectations than something euphoric (unlike how the media portraits things like that). Don't chase happiness, chase responsibility and minimum expectations (not too high) and bliss might follow as a result. 

Hope for the best but keep expectations low.

Edited 8 minutes ago by enchanted