How do I change my identity?

[HopefulMan]

Hi everyone! Let me start by defining what I mean by "identity":

Identity = automatic and effortless behavior, and resistance to a different behavior (normally harder or less comfortable)

Right now there are a few traits I don't like about myself: doomscrolling, not enough contemplation, lots of TV shows, too many sweets, etc.

I'd like to become someone who naturally prefers slower living, who has goals and actually follows through on them.

How do you go from being one kind of person to another?

From what I can observe, when people say "be disciplined", they don't really follow that advice. It's usually people who take action not because they want to, or because they can force themselves, but because they're running from something in their minds: looking lazy, not looking smart, status, etc.

Is it gonna be a constant struggle against passions/instincts, or can we really change and just struggle from time to time with "bad" behavior because we're human?

Thanks!

[YIDIRYIDIR]

Better call Saul my friend. He knows a guy who knows a guy. but there's no coming back from this. and seems like you'll need the deluxe service, he'll give you a number, call it and say "I need a dust filter for a Hoover Max Extract Pressure‑Pro, Model 60."
seriously though, 
what i found works for me best is rather than constructing an identity, i instead construct and anti-identity. it's hard to get clarity and know exactly who do you want to be and act like, but it's way easier and clear to know who you don't want to be. it acts as a reference point. 

this works for several principles about human psychology and behavior:

• We're wired for survival, not for happiness and alignment, so instead aligning with an identity, try surviving against one. 
• Negativity bias: we react more to problems, negative stuff, anti-goals rather than aspirational stuff.
• The enemy effect: we're more likely to take action against an enemy than towards some ideal (this is used in war, politics, branding...)
• Cognitive dissonance: acting in ways that your anti-identity avatar would act like creates tension, pushing you to adjust behavior to reduce it. the mind hates that shit.
• Contrast effect: we constantly perceive ourselves in contrast to something else, that's why we constantly compare ourselves to others, judge and criticize the fuck out of anything. 
• Disgust as Behavioral Deterrent (as long as we do it consciously): We’re wired to steer clear of anything that feels gross or wrong, so seeing something disgusting makes us way less likely to do it ourselves. for example, when you see someone who constantly complains and acts like a victim, and you either consciously or unconsciously feel disgusted and disappointed, you are more likely to never do the same. 

Same thing for constructing a vision, when one is not clear on a vision for the future, constructing an anti-vision gets you there faster and gets you moving. 

[HopefulMan]

@YIDIRYIDIR Hey! Sorry it took me a while to reply to you

I don't have problems with the clarity with who I wanna be, and I fully agree with your point than negativity is a stronger thing, but

How do I "try surviving against it"? How do I pick consistently the "right" behavior and not the comfortable behavior?

 

[YIDIRYIDIR]

@HopefulMan It's hard to say, this is a complex thing.
well first, there is a difference between intellectual identity and embodied identity. an embodied identity is built through constant proof and programing. 
also, you need to take into consideration status quo, fears, unconscious beliefs about yourself, realistic standards, nervous system state and familiarity with new behavior, environment and influences, what thoughts are always circulating in your mind, practical productivity stuff, whether you've emotionally bought into the identity or maybe you just think you should be or act a certain way.... 

I can say from personal experience, change is gradual and slow and messy. but what worked for me best is designing an environment that reinforces that identity (place, people, internet, what i consume...) and emotionally and philosophically buying into the identity. 

Treat this as a whole system. 

Edited 21 hours ago by YIDIRYIDIR

[Elliott]

Change your environment; where you live, your social group, your media, your activities, your attire, your food, your interests,....

[YIDIRYIDIR]

this video just popped on my for-you-page on youtube:

 

[Hasson_Miah]

Do what you don't do and stick to it.

 

[Realms of Wonder]

On 4/7/2026 at 5:41 AM, YIDIRYIDIR said:

Better call Saul my friend. He knows a guy who knows a guy. but there's no coming back from this. and seems like you'll need the deluxe service, he'll give you a number, call it and say "I need a dust filter for a Hoover Max Extract Pressure‑Pro, Model 60."
seriously though, 
what i found works for me best is rather than constructing an identity, i instead construct and anti-identity. it's hard to get clarity and know exactly who do you want to be and act like, but it's way easier and clear to know who you don't want to be. it acts as a reference point. 

this works for several principles about human psychology and behavior:

• We're wired for survival, not for happiness and alignment, so instead aligning with an identity, try surviving against one. 
• Negativity bias: we react more to problems, negative stuff, anti-goals rather than aspirational stuff.
• The enemy effect: we're more likely to take action against an enemy than towards some ideal (this is used in war, politics, branding...)
• Cognitive dissonance: acting in ways that your anti-identity avatar would act like creates tension, pushing you to adjust behavior to reduce it. the mind hates that shit.
• Contrast effect: we constantly perceive ourselves in contrast to something else, that's why we constantly compare ourselves to others, judge and criticize the fuck out of anything. 
• Disgust as Behavioral Deterrent (as long as we do it consciously): We’re wired to steer clear of anything that feels gross or wrong, so seeing something disgusting makes us way less likely to do it ourselves. for example, when you see someone who constantly complains and acts like a victim, and you either consciously or unconsciously feel disgusted and disappointed, you are more likely to never do the same. 

Same thing for constructing a vision, when one is not clear on a vision for the future, constructing an anti-vision gets you there faster and gets you moving. 

what a great reference haha

Just finished breaking bad for the first time a few days ago after watching Better Call Saul

[YIDIRYIDIR]

1 hour ago, Realms of Wonder said:

what a great reference haha

thanks mate

1 hour ago, Realms of Wonder said:

Just finished breaking bad for the first time a few days ago after watching Better Call Saul

what? first time to see someone do that, seems backwards lol

[Basman]

You change your identity by taking different actions. Contemplate in your mind why they're good and your old habits are bad. Set meaningful goals for yourself and track your progress everyday. 

On 4/7/2026 at 11:50 AM, HopefulMan said:

Right now there are a few traits I don't like about myself: doomscrolling, not enough contemplation, lots of TV shows, too many sweets, etc.

Delete Youtube app, log out of social media (or just get a dumb phone), cancel your TV or thow it out, stop buying sweets. Willpower is an exhaustable resource, so destroying your habits is the simplest way of stopping them. And if you want to stop doing these things then you don't need them in your house anyway.

When you "relapse", mindfully notice that without being hard on yourself. The compulsion is giving something that you want more of in your life. Like for example smokers get socialization and relaxation out of it. Notice what that is and figure out how you can get more of that without indulging your compulsion.

You want to reach a point where it's more exciting to live your ideal life than indulge in these things. I used to play too much video games, but now I get bored of it after a short while. Progressing my goals is more exciting and interesting. It's more exciting to me to eat healthy than vedge out on junk because the associations in my head. Once you feel like your not missing out by not indulging in something your basically free of it. 

 

Edited 32 minutes ago by Basman

[Basman]

Some journaling prompts:

How does it make you feel about yourself when you engage in your bad habits?

If you could change your habits by 5%, how would you change them?

How do you want your life to look like in 5 years?

What are your goals? What do you feel deep within you want for your life?