The role of Fear in Awakening and God-Realization

[Davino]

⚠️ Warning, only read if you are mentally stable ⚠️ 

I've done a psychedelic retreat, 8 trips back to back on a variety of substances (10+) in mid-heavy doses for two weeks. 

I was starting to get more conscious and infinite with each trip, reaching new levels of Awakening every time, it's shocking how deep you can go with psychedelic retreats, it seems you max out, only to breakthrough in the next session, I was blasting through every limit till this happened...

So what I'm sharing is what I would have loved to know before hand. Most of the times the limit to your awakening is that you just can't get really there, you're not conscious enough, but as you keep on pushing you encounter harder and harder limts to break, what you will discover if you go hard enough, deep enough, long enough is a seemingly unsurpassable wall of FEAR.

You'll be so fucking conscious that you may realize on the other side are the best realizations you could dream of, your whole life search, but that wall won't move an inch and will makes you recoil consumed by an incomprehensible fear. With some time for integration and contemplation, fear is designed to protect your 'self' hence imagine the fear you have of not burning your hand while cooking, multiplying it by a trillion for the destruction of all that you are and all that is, moreover fear makes you act in a flash and not to become contemplative, being one of the hardest hindrances to surpass in Awakening. I was haunted in particular by these 3 fears:

1. Death / Universal anhilation:

I would die and everything would die with me, if I dared to take a step further and Awaken to the ultimate Reality of what I am, what God is and the ultimate Infinite singularity: my human self would totally die, I would never come back, the human life, all my dreams and aspirations, my family and friends, this universe, everything would vanish forever, like sand blown by the wind. It's not even that "other people" would find my dead body and cry over that, no no, it's even more radical than that, this whole dream, this whole fucking movie, would come to an end, I would resolve all of existence and become God in my Infinite Reality forever beyond any limitation. If any other particular dream would unfold, at all, was dubious, as I standed in the midst of an infinite consciousness singularity sucking me and all of Reality into oblivion.

2. Too much / Infinity

A fear of too muchness, of overstimulation overflowing, of fuck it you've really gone tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far this time. You've fucked it up, you cannot take it, it's impossible to fucking take, every part of your psyche cannot hold it, all safety limits in all dimensions are beeping like a nuclear bomb is going to explode. You've gone through these fears before, but never like this, never like this. After inspecting you realise that 'too much' is just a pseudo word for Infinity, what you truly fear is Infinity.

3. Insanity (totally losing your shit)

Insanity, levels of insanity imagineable, levels of distortion, despersonalization, uncontrollable delirium, totally imagineable, no framework can hold your mind, you've lost memory, history, self, context, you only get context from two past frames behind you which dissolve into nothingness and no ground on the next frame but a chaotic flux of unrestricted consciousness, so fucking mad that you can't even call yourself mad, all personalities, all psyches, the whole of reality, an assilum, a delirant carnaval playing in your infinite mind tirelessly and absolutely awake.

 

These fears are very strong and existential, I couldn't breakthrough them with more psychedelics but recoiled in fear again and again, the wall is still there and it needs time and understanding to integrate it with of course surrender and Love. 

These fears are here and will haunt you before your greatest Awakenings, beware!

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Davino

[Willy Phallicus]

I once thought more psychedelics (larger doses) would reveal more but boy was I wrong.  Insanity and depersonalization is putting it mildly....

[Someone here]

Please make a warning or disclaimer. Some people here suffer from serious mental illnesses and trying to ground themselves and reading this kind of stuff might send them to permanent psychosis or they might harm themselves.  

[emil1234]

I am going through pretty intense kundalini awakening right now, which literally feels like my mind ascending and adjusting to a baseline psychedelic-like state, and especially fear of annihilation and fear of insanity are major themes. I encountered both fear of non existence but also a fear of existence itself. 

Dissolving these two conditions especially indeed did feel extremely liberating, since they are like a limbo paradoxical form of desire or fear

Edited 5 hours ago by emil1234

[Sincerity]

Amazing value. Thanks for making this so explicit!

About death: yeah, it's funny to me how "safe" the belief is that when you die, the world just goes on. People genuinely believe that. It takes a lot of courage to go so deep into fear of death and face the death of EVERYTHING.

Related: it's funny that when people think about what they will miss in their death, they don't think about eg. colour, birds, flowers. They most often think about missing their close ones because they think the 'specific beings' are special to the dream. Well, newsflash. Colour, birds and flowers can be special to the dream as well. People really take DEATH for granted.

Edited 4 hours ago by Sincerity

[Davino]

@emil1234 I wish you the best. Kundalini Awakenings really change your baseline, they are a challenging but great gift.

[Davino]

@Sincerity death is very profound, I just keep discovering deeper and deeper layers to it. You can die every more totally.

[ExploringReality]

I've experienced all these fears on LSD over a period of 12 hours, but what's fucked up is that every minute is eternity. It was so much that I begged to come down, prayed to be sober again and to forget God for a moment. I can't go back, but I'm happy I have a strong mind, didn't scream for help, simply held my brothers arm so I wouldn't sink down into the pits of cosmic God knows what. 

Your descriptions give me flashbacks however. This is serious shit 

[Oppositionless]

@emil1234 same thing happened to me, following 5 meo and kriya yoga . They seem to have had a synergistic effect of raising kundalini fast, the sober ego deaths were wild. 
 

@Davino the part about amnesia is very on point. My highest dose of psilocybin , during the peak, I had the memory of a gold fish , I'd  black out and "wake up" so many times , not knowing what tf was going on.

Edited 3 hours ago by Oppositionless

[Sincerity]

6 minutes ago, ExploringReality said:

Your descriptions give me flashbacks however. This is serious shit 

Yup. Very vivid.

[emil1234]

18 minutes ago, Oppositionless said:

@emil1234 same thing happened to me, following 5 meo and kriya yoga . They seem to have had a synergistic effect of raising kundalini fast, the sober ego deaths were wild. 
 

yes mine literally also happened a couple of hours after a 5 meo trip. althrough it had been underway for years. yes, the sober ego deaths are so real; i feel like psychedelic ego death were like a training simulator for the sober ego death

[Rigel]

They should add a link to your post under the definition of hardcore in the dictionary. Super-hyper mega meta hardcore.

[Someone here]

Why are you guys happy that no one will leave life alive and that death will fuck everyone lol . I don’t particularly enjoy suffering .

[Monster Energy]

7 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Why are you guys happy that no one will leave life alive and that death will fuck everyone lol . I don’t particularly enjoy suffering .

I am grateful because I know that peace, the sense of wholeness, exists in experience, not in any form. Presence itself is peace, and it can never disappear.

You may think you will miss memories, forms, material things, sex, everything that seems available, but in truth, all the ego ever seeks is presence.

 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Monster Energy

[LoneWonderer]

Thank you Davino for your insights. I hope you eventually have the breakthrough opportunity you're seeking. 🙏

[Someone here]

5 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

I am grateful because I know that peace, the sense of wholeness, exists in experience, not in any form. Presence itself is peace, and it can never disappear.

You may think you will miss memories, forms, material things, sex, everything that seems available, but in truth, all the ego ever seeks is presence.

 

 

You misunderstood. I don’t actually think death is just lights off forever otherwise this moment couldn’t exist .. do you understand why ? Because a real absence can’t be it’s a contradiction in terms . There will always be forms .

by “death fucking everyone “ I meant what Davino is talking about. You know these hallucinogenic substances these dudes take are actually getting released in the brain during death … so you follow ?

[Monster Energy]

1 minute ago, Someone here said:

You misunderstood. I don’t actually think death is just lights off forever otherwise this moment couldn’t exist .. do you understand why ? Because a real absence can’t be it’s a contradiction in terms . There will always be forms .

by “death fucking everyone “ I meant what Davino is talking about. You know these hallucinogenic substances these dudes take are actually getting released in the brain during death … so you follow ?

I’ve only read your comment, no one else’s on this forum. Have a nice day.

 

[Someone here]

@Monster Energy then get the full context . Don’t cut me off and respond based your misunderstanding of I said . 

[Monster Energy]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

@Monster Energy then get the full context . Don’t cut me off and respond based your misunderstanding of I said . 

Relax

[Someone here]

@Monster Energy Why can’t you just accept that there was misunderstanding from you ?

I said this :

33 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Why are you guys happy that no one will leave life alive and that death will fuck everyone lol . I don’t particularly enjoy suffering .

then you said this :

 

26 minutes ago, Monster Energy said:

I am grateful because I know that peace, the sense of wholeness, exists in experience, not in any form. Presence itself is peace, and it can never disappear.

You may think you will miss memories, forms, material things, sex, everything that seems available, but in truth, all the ego ever seeks is presence.

 

 

that’s a misunderstanding because I clarified what I meant here :

 

18 minutes ago, Someone here said:

You misunderstood. I don’t actually think death is just lights off forever otherwise this moment couldn’t exist .. do you understand why ? Because a real absence can’t be it’s a contradiction in terms . There will always be forms .

by “death fucking everyone “ I meant what Davino is talking about. You know these hallucinogenic substances these dudes take are actually getting released in the brain during death … so you follow ?