How I overcame prolonged SA from an immediate family member

[VioletFlame]

TRIGGER WARNING:

Hi guys, I recently commented on a post from a user @HopefulMan who opened up about their experience with SA. To which I felt called to comment and hopefully help provide some insight or guidance for the individual, as someone who has experienced & overcame extreme trauma from childhood SA. However, it wasn't until AFTER I posted this comment to the user when it hit me: I realized just how far I have come on my personal development, spiritual, and self-actualization journey and I am so proud of myself for that. In addition, I feel in my heart that someone out there may need to read this. I would like to share something very personal with you all with the hopes that it will teach someone something, or more specifically, to help those who have battled similar traumas see the light in it. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not a mental health professional, and any advice shared in this post is simply expressing what has helped me and how I have learned to cope over the years as a trauma survivor.

Between the ages of 4 and 8 yrs old I was SA and more explicitly, I was r*ped and sodomized by an immediate family member; my older brother. My innocence was stolen and my childhood ruined. It was by far the worst season of my life, the most significant chapter in my life, the most horrific aspect of my life, and it completely set the course for all the years following. I am now 28 years old and I will, of course, never forget it and I still carry those horrific memories, and all the immense pain that comes with it. However, I have learned to take that pain and channel it in ways which have been incredibly enlightening, profound, & healing.

One thing that helped me immensely on my PTSD recovery journey was developing grace. If you can look around, notice that all people in life are suffering in their own ways, just like you, (even if it's not on the surface, always ASSUME that they are, because nothing is ever as it seems) and if you can choose kindness, humility, & empathy over anything else, you will be free, you will be liberated, and you will feel more at peace. Embodying grace as a traumatized individual is one of the most profound, spiritually enlightening choices you can make in life. You are saying no matter what happened to me, I'M going to be the better person, the stronger person, the kinder person, no matter what. Unlike my abuser, *I* will choose empathy, *I* will choose kindness and *I* will treat others with dignity and respect (how I wish to be treated). It is extremely empowering and has saved me many, many years of grief, misery, bitterness, resentment, turmoil, & apathy. Please remember and tell yourself that you DESERVE to feel JOY, love, kindness, respect, and every good thing in life. ESPECIALLY if you have experienced one of the greatest evils in this world any living soul could possibly experience, or even imagine, let alone endure. 

Be a humble superhero. Most superheroes have endured great traumas which is HOW most of them even developed their abilities, and transformed into heroes, from overcoming trauma or some kind of great adversity. That can be very inspiring. Are they walking around hating the world and everyone in it? Are they walking around as the villain? No, they're striving to heal, help, and save others. That is the ultimate goal of someone who has truly suffered from any type of trauma or adversity, you are meant to take that wisdom and use it to help mankind; to become a healer. That is the purpose of suffering sometimes, to master empathy, to see it as one of your gifts, and become a natural healer. Find the strengths in your trauma, because trust me, there is a lot. Trauma is a powerful motivator for self-discovery and transformation. Realizing the strength & wisdom it has given you will absolutely empower you.

Find your passion & what gives you joy Despite growing into a dysfunctional family/household, both my parents, and all my grandparents were professional musicians and I was blessed with the gift of singing & writing music. After the trauma, I literally lost my ability to speak, but somehow, I could sing. It was singing that gave me my voice back. At just the ripe age of 11, I was already performing live shows and singing to crowds of people. If there's anything that saved my life and saved me from eternal hell, it was music and the ability to write, perform, play & discover myself through music. And now, look where I am: I am currently pursuing Music Therapy as a profession. I am here to tell you there is so much hope. And if you can find your passion, your calling, and your gift, then it is all uphill from there.

It took me years of self-reflection, personal growth work, and spiritual work to reframe my thought processing, my narratives, and my poor conditioning from the abuse. For years, mainly throughout my adolescent years, I was self-destructive and incredibly insecure, and I naturally, struggled with self-worth and self-esteem. It took time and years of practice, grit, and perseverance to re-program my mind and to re-develop feelings of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love, etc. But once I finally did, they became deeper than ever, as if I am loving myself like I would love my daughter. Mother yourself. Look into re-parentification and inner-child work (Carl Jung), those concepts absolutely changed my life and my outlook on my traumatic experiences in the most beautiful way possible. If you can flip your perspective on the trauma, and recognize the strength and wisdom it has given you, because it does, it truly does, then you can start to see it in a new light, you can start to actually "see the light in the darkness" when you can switch your perspective on it. 

I'm not here to say it's easy, because it's not, especially if you have endured years of abuse like I have, and all the subsequent years of pain, but I am here to tell you that it IS possible. I am a living, breathing, walking testimony of someone who has healed themselves, all on their own, from severe PTSD. My abuser never even reaped ANY consequences because I didn't disclose the abuse until I was 14 and it was already over. He now has a son, my nephew, and I sometimes have to be in the same room as my abuser. I chose not to put him behind bars at just 14 yrs old, despite being given the choice to do so. I dismissed bitterness and revenge and chose grace and empathy. And to this day, I choose to walk around smiling at everyone in the world and treat everyone with equal kindness & respect, despite the horrors I endured. And that is a necessity to me, that is integrity, and it is my will as a human being; my moral responsibility. I always assume others are going through something or dealing with something, even if they too, are smiling. Yes, I have tried therapy and all sorts of things but at the end of the day, it was me who did 99% of the work, in solitude, when no one was around. And unfortunately when you truly suffer, you are doing all the work. You're cleaning up a mess you didn't even make. You're picking up the pieces of someone else's trash that they left in your life. At the end of the day, in times of solitude and when you're all alone, you are sitting with those feelings, you're remembering, you're suffering again, and you are left with no other choice BUT to heal and reframe your thought-processing, otherwise you fall into an eternal loop of pain, despair, & turmoil, and well, who wants that?

If you've gotten this far, thank you for taking the time to read this and for stepping into my shoes. Living with PTSD is hard, but it is very treatable and neuroplasticity is real. All I can say is I hope you have gotten something out of this and I sincerely hope this could help someone in some way. I am wishing you all well and wishing you all the healing, joy, contentment, & peace. You are loved, you are seen, you are heard, and you are understood. Thank you for hearing me.🙏

Edited yesterday at 04:23 PM by VioletFlame

[Yimpa]

Thanks for sharing!

[VioletFlame]

Thank you for reading! 

[Jordan of the Shire]

7 hours ago, VioletFlame said:

TRIGGER WARNING:

Hi guys, I recently commented on a post from a user who has experienced SA. To which I felt called to comment and hopefully help provide some insight or guidance for the individual, as someone who has experienced & overcome extreme trauma from childhood SA. However, it wasn't until AFTER I posted this comment to the user when it hit me: I realized just how far I have come on my personal development, spiritual, and self-actualization journey and I am so proud of myself for that. In addition, I feel in my heart that someone out there may need to read this. I would like to share something very personal with you all with the hopes that it will teach someone something, or more specifically, to help those who have battled similar traumas see the light in it. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not a mental health professional, and any advice shared in this post is simply expressing what has helped me and how I have learned to cope over the years as a trauma survivor.

Between the ages of 4 and 8 yrs old I was SA and more graphically, I was raped and sodomized by an immediate family member; my older brother. My innocence was stolen and my childhood ruined. It was by far the worst season of my life, the most significant chapter in my life, the most horrific aspect of my life, and it completely set the course for all the years following. I am now 28 years old and I will, of course, never forget it and I still carry those horrific memories, and all the immense pain that comes with it. However, I have learned to take that pain and channel it in ways which have been incredibly enlightening, profound, & healing.

One thing that helped me immensely on my PTSD recovery journey was developing grace. If you can look around, notice that all people in life are suffering in their own ways, just like you, (even if it's not on the surface, always ASSUME that they are, because nothing is ever as it seems) and if you can choose kindness, humility, & empathy over anything else, you will be free, you will be liberated, and you will feel more at peace. Embodying grace as a traumatized individual is one of the most profound, spiritually enlightening choices you can make in life. You are saying no matter what happened to me, I'M going to be the better person, the stronger person, the kinder person, no matter what. Unlike my abuser, *I* will choose empathy, *I* will choose kindness and *I* will treat others with dignity and respect (how I wish to be treated). It is extremely empowering and has saved me many, many years of grief, misery, bitterness, resentment, turmoil, & apathy. Please remember and tell yourself that you DESERVE to feel JOY, love, kindness, respect, and every good thing in life. ESPECIALLY if you have experienced one of the greatest evils in this world any living soul could possibly experience, or even imagine, let alone endure. 

Be a humble superhero. Most superheroes have endured great traumas which is HOW most of them even developed their abilities, and transformed into heroes, from overcoming trauma or some kind of great adversity. That can be very inspiring. Are they walking around hating the world and everyone in it? Are they walking around as the villain? No, they're striving to heal, help, and save others. That is the ultimate goal of someone who has truly suffered from any type of trauma or adversity, you are meant to take that wisdom and use it to help mankind; to become a healer. That is the purpose of suffering sometimes, to master empathy, to see it as one of your gifts, and become a natural healer. Find the strengths in your trauma, because trust me, there is a lot. Trauma is a powerful motivator for self-discovery and transformation. Realizing the strength & wisdom it has given you will absolutely empower you.

Find your passion & what gives you joy Despite growing into a dysfunctional family/household, both my parents, and all my grandparents were professional musicians and I was blessed with the gift of singing & writing music. After the trauma, I literally lost my ability to speak, but somehow, I could sing. It was singing that gave me my voice back. At just the ripe age of 11, I was already performing live shows and singing to crowds of people. If there's anything that saved my life and saved me from eternal hell, it was music and the ability to write, perform, play & discover myself through music. And now, look where I am: I am currently pursuing Music Therapy as a profession. I am here to tell you there is so much hope. And if you can find your passion, your calling, and your gift, then it is all uphill from there.

It took me years of self-reflection, personal growth work, and spiritual work to reframe my thought processing, my narratives, and my poor conditioning from the abuse. For years, mainly throughout my adolescent years, I was self-destructive and incredibly insecure, and I naturally, struggled with self-worth and self-esteem. It took time and years of practice, grit, and perseverance to re-program my mind and to re-develop feelings of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love, etc. But once I finally did, they became deeper than ever, as if I am loving myself like I would love my daughter. Mother yourself. Look into re-parentification and inner-child work (Carl Jung), those concepts absolutely changed my life and my outlook on my traumatic experiences in the most beautiful way possible. If you can flip your perspective on the trauma, and recognize the strength and wisdom it has given you, because it does, it truly does, then you can start to see it in a new light, you can start to actually "see the light in the darkness" when you can switch your perspective on it. 

I'm not here to say it's easy, because it's not, especially if you have endured years of abuse like I have, and all the subsequent years of pain, but I am here to tell you that it IS possible. I am a living, breathing, walking testimony of someone who has healed themselves, all on their own, from severe PTSD. My abuser never even reaped ANY consequences because I didn't disclose the abuse until I was 14 and it was already over. He now has a son, my nephew, and I sometimes have to be in the same room as my abuser. I chose not to put him behind bars at just 14 yrs old, despite being given the choice to do so. I dismissed bitterness and revenge and chose grace and empathy. And to this day, I choose to walk around smiling at everyone in the world and treat everyone with equal kindness & respect, despite the horrors I endured. And that is a necessity to me, that is integrity, and it is my will as a human being; my moral responsibility. I always assume others are going through something or dealing with something, even if they too, are smiling. Yes, I have tried therapy and all sorts of things but at the end of the day, it was me who did 99% of the work, in solitude, when no one was around. And unfortunately when you truly suffer, you are doing all the work. You're cleaning up a mess you didn't even make. You're picking up the pieces of someone else's trash that they left in your life. At the end of the day, in times of solitude and when you're all alone, you are sitting with those feelings, you're remembering, you're suffering again, and you are left with no other choice BUT to heal and reframe your thought-processing, otherwise you fall into an eternal loop of pain, despair, & turmoil, and well, who wants that?

If you've gotten this far, thank you for taking the time to read this and for stepping into my shoes. Living with PTSD is hard, but it is very treatable and neuroplasticity is real. All I can say is I hope you have gotten something out of this and I sincerely hope this could help someone in some way. I am wishing you all well and wishing you all the healing, joy, contentment, & peace. You are loved, you are seen, you are heard, and you are understood. Thank you for hearing me.🙏

Really hopeful post, thanks for sharing /\

[VioletFlame]

Aw I'm really glad it was able to give you hope. Thank you for reading. 

[Judy2]

Thank you for sharing:)

loving yourself like you would your own daughter and mothering yourself is something i find quite relatable and it's also something i try to use as guidance sometimes.

aside from this idea of grace, i am curious if you have developed any specific techniques to deal with more immediate stressful emotions. does anything come to mind in this regard?

[VioletFlame]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

Thank you for sharing:)

loving yourself like you would your own daughter and mothering yourself is something i find quite relatable and it's also something i try to use as guidance sometimes.

aside from this idea of grace, i am curious if you have developed any specific techniques to deal with more immediate stressful emotions. does anything come to mind in this regard?

@Judy2 Thank you for reading. 

To answer your question, I have found various techniques that help me cope with immediate stressful situations, circumstances, & emotions and they are related to my spiritual practice & personal development work and I'm happy to share them with you.

1. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, & active presence. The 5,4,3,2,1 technique, helping you to tap back into your 5 senses and come back to your body, helps re-ground my emotions and state of mind. Focusing on something I can either see, hear, smell, touch, or taste in my immediate environment is an excellent exercise to help re-regulate yourself and return to the present. 

2. Feeling the emotions in my body instead of resisting them. Always checking in with myself and what my body is trying to tell me. Paying attention to how something is making me feel on a physiological level is very powerful. Don't ignore or neglect your emotions. Don't fear them. They teach us everything we need to know about ourselves. I think it's important to feel into your emotions because they can teach you a lot about where you're currently at and what you need to improve on. 

3. Self-soothing practices, warmth, tactile comfort, & somatic movement. Gentle yoga, stretching, swaying, & rocking to release tension. Self-massage; rubbing shoulders, neck, hands, arms, etc. Hugging myself, wrapping up in a cozy soft blanket, holding onto a pet or stuffed animal, warm baths, holding onto a warm beverage, aromatherapy (lighting candles, incense, essential oils, etc.) Tapping (EFT) to lower cortisol levels, and reduce stress. 

4. Creative practice & cathartic release. Singing (another deep breathing, diaphragmatic exercise) involves using your whole body (the whole body is your instrument) and breathing deeply which helps release pent up emotions, anger, tension, etc. Writing lyrics. Journaling. Listening to empowering, soothing music, or music that matches my mood or current emotion. Playing guitar & other instruments, was another incredibly powerful way to cope with stressful circumstances or situations. Creativity comes in many shapes and sizes though so finding what works for YOU is what's most important here, as long as you're expressing yourself in some way, you can reach a cathartic, transcendental release/experience, which can be incredibly profound.

5. Lions breath, growling, & exhaling loudly (screaming in a pillow can also be effective). If you are alone and safe, one of the things I found to be quite helpful, not sure if I invented this or not, but growling under my breath..it may seem kind of silly but it has honestly been incredibly powerful, and it really helps to release anger during a chronically stressful experience. Also, exhaling loudly, like when you take a sip of cold water and some people go "ahh" lol kind of like that, it's meant to give you that same level of relief. Lions breath was a yogic technique I learned that gives you that same vocal release where you stick out your tongue and breathe heavily, it makes me feel kind of "metal", if you like metal music you'll know what I mean lol, oh yeah...headbanging too, works like a charm

I hope these were helpful! Thank you for asking! <3

Edited yesterday at 06:26 PM by VioletFlame

[Judy2]

56 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

The 5,4,3,2,1 technique, helping you to tap back into your 5 senses and come back to your body, helps re-ground my emotions and state of mind. Focusing on something I can either see, hear, smell, touch, or taste in my immediate environment is an excellent exercise to help re-regulate yourself and return to the present.

yeah, i like that one:) i do it with colours most often. (5 red, 4 yellow, etc.) ...but including the other senses also makes sense.

58 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

2. Feeling the emotions in my body instead of resisting them. Always checking in with myself and what my body is trying to tell me. Paying attention to how something is making me feel on a physiological level is very powerful. Don't ignore or neglect your emotions. Don't fear them. They teach us everything we need to know about ourselves. I think it's important to feel into your emotions because they can teach you a lot about where you're currently at and what you need to improve on. 

 i fully agree in theory - but also know that this can be tough to implement in practice. i suppose the understanding of how crucial this is comes and goes (at least for me), but is, hopefully, ever-deepening:)

59 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

3. Self-soothing practices, warmth, tactile comfort, & somatic movement. Gentle yoga, stretching, swaying, & rocking to release tension. Self-massage; rubbing shoulders, neck, hands, arms, etc. Hugging myself, wrapping up in a cozy soft blanket, holding onto a pet or stuffed animal, warm baths, holding onto a warm beverage, aromatherapy (lighting candles, incense, essential oils, etc.) Tapping (EFT) to lower cortisol levels, and reduce stress. 

have you tried the butterfly hug? i would say it would also fit in this category. 

1 hour ago, VioletFlame said:

I hope these were helpful! Thank you for asking! <3

Thank you very much! i like how you divided your response into different categories, because depending on the specifics of a situation, different reactions may be required. 

 

you're very strong:) take care:)

 

[VioletFlame]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

have you tried the butterfly hug? i would say it would also fit in this category. 

Yes, that's one of my favorites! 🩷

 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

Thank you very much! i like how you divided your response into different categories, because depending on the specifics of a situation, different reactions may be required. 

Oh it was my pleasure. 🩷

 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

you're very strong:) take care:)

Thank you so much. 🩷 You as well!

[VioletFlame]

Hi @Leo Gura, would you be so kind to read this post (my self-actualization/trauma recovery story)? It took some courage posting this one on the forum, as it is deeply personal, but I felt called to share one of my most significant life experiences with everyone here with the hopes that others who may have gone through similar traumatic events can see it from a new perspective, or find hope.

After years of at least a full decade of consistent spiritual work & deep inner-work, something just really clicked within me one day and it all made sense. I suppose you could say I saw the big picture and things became clear & transparent. I switched my perspective on the trauma and suddenly my whole outlook on life, people, & the world in general, changed in a profound way. I feel as though my traumatic experiences, the suffering I overcame, my experience as a trauma survivor, and my outlook on the trauma itself has really opened my eyes over the years, and I feel it's safe to say that it has helped me reach Awakening, or a sense of spiritual enlightenment. To have suffered for years, to have overcome this abuse, and still choose to view the world with love, including my abusers, with Love & Empathy, I feel as though I have mastered Love and must acknowledge how far I've come and for having gotten to this higher, deeper level of acceptance & grace. 

They say suffering can help one attain enlightenment but I think it's your perspective on the suffering, as well. 

I also wanted to thank you for your content on spirituality & personal development, as your videos have helped me to stay disciplined and motivated on my journey, and to never give up, despite whatever life throws at me, I always strive to become better. I guess it would mean so much if you read my story here because in a way, you also helped me get here; where I am today. Thank you, Leo. 🙏

Edited 7 hours ago by VioletFlame

[theleelajoker]

Inspiring stuff @VioletFlame

[VioletFlame]

1 hour ago, theleelajoker said:

Inspiring stuff @VioletFlame

I'm so glad this was inspiring for you. Thanks so much for reading!

[theleelajoker]

21 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

I'm so glad this was inspiring for you. Thanks so much for reading!

Loved how you emphasized that valuable experiences and skills come out of such things.

And kudos for the simple fact that you opened up here.