She's gone :(

[Mayonnaise]

ideally you should let her bring up the exclusivity/relationship definition talk. women are typically the ones who want to latch on to a mans life , not a man "latching" onto the woman if that makes sense. when a man does that verbally, it communicates neediness. so instead of verbalizing it just spend more time together, the actions speak louder than the words. The more cool you are with outcome independence and letting them go, the more they typically want to stay. All you really have to focus on is having a good time in the present moment with her. You don't have to future pace and verbalize the stance. Just focus on the now. Also since you have other women, you're already doing what you should be. Men are not typically biologically wired for monogamy. we are wired to spread. Women have limited eggs so its the polar opposite for them. but thats all biologically speaking. societal programming can outweigh that in many /most people. I would just stay keep doing what you're doing and seeing a few women consistently. the ones that want higher levels of time investment will let you know. and then you can decide how to play it out after that.

[theleelajoker]

9 hours ago, Joshe said:

What about this analogy: If your boss of 3 weeks says to you "I am wondering - do you see yourself sticking around long term and devoting yourself to our cause"? No matter how he frames the question, it creates pressure, and IMO, is a bit unfair. 

If the employee feels pressured, is that just on them?

I guess it's hard to say something with conviction after three weeks, that's your point isn't it? That's true.

But my impression is that you impose certain assumptions on the questions and answers:

1. "I don't know" would be a valid answer. "Ok, great. What do you need to think out?"
2. It's a valid question, isn't it? "How do you feel about it now?" Doesn't mean it will be like that forever, nothing is. Just getting information, not a decision 
3. You normally don't change work and go back, but you can go back and forth re exclusivity in relationship. "Hmm for now I don't feel like it, but if we still date in half a year, let's see again. --> pressure comes from idea of final decision instead of process thinking 
4. Pressure also comes because you think there is an EXPECTATION with this question, a right wrong answer like in school. But what if you see it as a chance, a opportunity to find out how you truly feel? For BOTH in the partnership. Not "OMG I have to decide " but "cool, I'm getting to know my self. How do I really feel? What do I need, want, desire? Is it aligned with my partner or not?"

9 hours ago, Joshe said:

Nothing, as long as they're ready for it or have the capacity and desire to meet you there. But it seems risky. You might end up scaring some off that you'd actually like. 

Ah yeah, here of course you've a point. Can be that the other person doesn't have one or two of those. Happened to me.

But again, what's my baseline approach in life? I want to control the outcome? Or I want to find out what will happen if I express myself as best as I can? 

Unfortunately, I subconsciously lived a lot in the former. Strategies how to influence and control reality, aka others. It's crazy how our culture, especially our education system imprints the idea of "right " and "wrong " in our mind and we take this idea into every aspect of life, not differentiating where it's useful and where it's harmless. It's very subtle, it became so much part of our life we don't even question it anymore. We are so used to certain bad standard in communication and influencing others according to our interests, so many people don't notice it anymore that and how they are doing it. Always attention in the exexternal reality, connecting happiness with external results. 

This patterns ept me in thinking mode a lot, and let me never feel 100% safe because I prefer outcome A over outcome B. I'm moving away from this now step by step and it feels good. Feels more free.

She doesn't have the capacity? Ok, it is how it is. Let's move on, not the right fit. She doesn't have the desire? Same, let's move on. 

Better to find out early than to invest time and energy into a situation where it's will be loose-loose. One person hopes for a change that will never come, living a Illusion based on wrong assumptions, and the other potentially trying to fulfill expectations until the effort collapses. 

Doesn't mean you can't invest into a relationship, but in a wu-wei style. Things are happening in spontaneous flow, not forcing anything. It can also be forced to talk about exclusivity early, that's why I emphasize "I talk about it when I feel like it"

[Zenterus]

2 hours ago, Mayonnaise said:

ideally you should let her bring up the exclusivity/relationship definition talk. women are typically the ones who want to latch on to a mans life , not a man "latching" onto the woman if that makes sense. when a man does that verbally, it communicates neediness. so instead of verbalizing it just spend more time together, the actions speak louder than the words. The more cool you are with outcome independence and letting them go, the more they typically want to stay. All you really have to focus on is having a good time in the present moment with her. You don't have to future pace and verbalize the stance. Just focus on the now. Also since you have other women, you're already doing what you should be. Men are not typically biologically wired for monogamy. we are wired to spread. Women have limited eggs so its the polar opposite for them. but thats all biologically speaking. societal programming can outweigh that in many /most people. I would just stay keep doing what you're doing and seeing a few women consistently. the ones that want higher levels of time investment will let you know. and then you can decide how to play it out after that.

I understand all that. 

Normally, I would approach it that way but on our first date she let me know that she wanted something serious and if I would like that down the line which I concurred.

I dont think me asking to be exclusive was a mistake. When I asked, she was like "of course we're gonna be exclusive. I don't share and I only deal with one man at a time." 

I have enough experience in the game to know that my mistake was more internal than external. I shouldn't have taken that step so early. Not so that the girl can seduce me or chase me into it, but so that I would feel alignment and integrity with that decision.

The mistake was making a decision and then backpedaling on that decision. That's bad leadership.

Moving forward, i take this lesson with me. Im not gonna go on a massive pickup rampage, though, that will be an overreaction, I feel. But I will keep going out, meeting new women and seeing where it all goes.

I will make sure to interact with every and all women from a player frame and only switch to a mkre boyfriend vibe after i am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I want to take that step with that specific woman, so that there are no regrets nor collateral damage.

I appreciate everyone here who responded with empathy and understanding and emotional intelligence.

[theleelajoker]

26 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

I will make sure to interact with every and all women from a player frame and only switch to a mkre boyfriend vibe after i am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I want to take that step with that specific woman, so that there are no regrets nor collateral damage.

I appreciate everyone here who responded with empathy and understanding and emotional intelligence.

Well, switching to boyfriend vibes allowed you to act on the (mutual?) feeling that it's not really a good fit early, didn't it?

Imagine you would have been in player vibe for weeks or months? She might would have chased you, lots of sex and spent time together until she convinced you that's she's a good fit. Then you go exclusive, then you walk back - not THAT'S collateral damage for me 🤣

Not saying that's the only outcome, it's literally infinite scenarios.

But it illustrates the point I want to make: careful about mono-casual analysis and mono-causal behavior corrections. What about you go into the next one as open as possible and as much in touch with yourself as you can, feeling out what you really need and want?

[meta_male]

On 3.1.2026 at 9:21 PM, Zenterus said:

The truth is, I didn't feel secure in that connection. She took hours, sometimes even a whole day to respond to my texts (although she was very enthusiastic when she did) 

On 3.1.2026 at 9:21 PM, Zenterus said:

I didn't feel safe, yet as a man it is my fault for not leading the dynamic of the relationship properly

On 3.1.2026 at 11:15 PM, Zenterus said:

I decided that we should undo the exclusivity

You basically communicated: I don't know what I want with you and it may keep shifting. From what you wrote, there were real reasons for that. I wouldn't frame this as something to blame yourself for.

 

[Valach]

@Zenterus I am bit confused, didn't you in your post about pickup say that you don't really consider casual sex to be healthy or good for you? Have you changed your mind on that?

[Zenterus]

15 hours ago, Valach said:

@Zenterus I am bit confused, didn't you in your post about pickup say that you don't really consider casual sex to be healthy or good for you? Have you changed your mind on that?

I did and I still believe that. But I am only human and I regress, make mistakes, fall into old habits, etc. 

[Valach]

I see. Would you say sex is a coping mechanism for you? I am starting to encouter it quite a bit in my local pickup community.

Anyways, I do not have much advice to give you. It seems like you know where the issue lies anyway. Just letting you know that you are not the only person who struggles with this as I also tend to sabotage my relationships. In my case it is probably because I am afraid of being vulnerable and being abandonment.

[Zenterus]

@Valach Thank you brother. 

Sex absolutely is a coping mechanism for me, one which I've been trying to change for a long time. I feel like it's the final monster in the way of my transformation to the man I'm mean to be in this new chapter of my life.