Why can't I stop hurting every time I get rejected?

[Leo Gura]

On 11/11/2025 at 9:08 AM, Tenebroso said:

What if nobody has ever said yes and you are in your 30's?

Talk to more girls.

[Terell Kirby]

I approached a cute girl at Trader Joe's yesterday-we talked flirted for well over 20 mins.

Scariest shit ever, but it was fun.

We'll see if she texts back, but doesn't really matter, the adrenaline from socializing with a pretty girl is sufficient.

Helps to take mind off rejection and focus on creating memorable moments with girls youre attracted to-which doesn't require them to see you favorably all the time.

Edited Thursday at 04:10 AM by Terell Kirby

[Natasha Tori Maru]

On 12/11/2025 at 4:08 AM, Tenebroso said:

What if nobody has ever said yes and you are in your 30's?

As long as you don't create a belief system around rejection 'I am hopeless', and you are continuing to put yourself out there, you will have success.

It takes like 18months to find a girlfriend on average with no social circle (this was from a psychologist mate who specialises in men's issues, grain of salt). 

Most people give up well before this time period has lapsed.

I briefly dated a guy in his 30's who approached me, for around 3/4 months. He was also a virgin. He just randomly started talking to me while waiting in the city loop. Nice dude, very nervous. Incredibly intelligent (industrial chemist). Not to be disparaging but he wasn't even the best looking dude. Below average I would say. It ended due to him moving to another city for work (which was always happening for him). I think he probably finally had to balls to start approaching women due to the move  But he was also doing speed dating, which he reported he hated. He had this entire section of his apartment devoted to chemistry as a hobby - he had all these fucken SICK bismuth crystals growing. 

Maybe that dude might be you? But yeah those beliefs will get you. It's a cognitive bias - so the process of thinking is ace. But its the data being picked that ends up myopic and can shoot you in the foot. So you might have a mate who goes to speed dating with you, and he bags a GF. You see he is taller than you and end up with 'Oh he is taller than me, so that's why I didn't have success' - that's the cognitive bias. You missed that he was speed dating for a LOT longer than you. But you choose not to look at that data. So the belief forms based on not seeing the whole picture, or being closed off to the fact there are other elements in play. This is why it is so important to understand how you are thinking. Journaling etc. To be able to observe your thought process. Very difficult to notice these slippering thoughts also. Often it needs a CB therapist to assist. 

It's also really important to address these hidden beliefs. People's subconscious picks up on these things within seconds. And they will perceive you as being 'burdened' which is the exact opposite energy you want to have. 'Burdened' as a projection isn't even who you are - so you don't have a chance to show someone your earnest self when you carry false beliefs.

-------

Back to the OP's question @Leo Gura's advice is spot on.

The first step is to realise you are DOING IT. You need to grow that meta cognition so you can catch yourself in the thoughts.

Awareness is the first step. And powerful.

If you aren't aware you are holding onto a ball, how on earth will you be able to let it go?

 

Edited Thursday at 04:58 AM by Natasha Tori Maru

[Something Funny]

On 11/10/2025 at 8:16 PM, TheCloud said:

 

What are your top messiest issues?

Idk, just no routine or clear plans for the day. Not being able to stick to things.

 

No cooking plan, no cleaning plan, no clear set goals that I am working on, no specific habits. Everything is so wishy-washy. I am basically eyeballing life right now, lol.

I've exercised really hard last week and this week I didn't do anything, for example. 

 

[Something Funny]

On 11/11/2025 at 6:47 PM, Leo Gura said:

Stop doing it.

You have to realize you are doing the suffering. Stop creating the idea of rejection.

Do not allow your mind to think the thought, "I got rejected" and the like.

Your focus needs to be on having fun and enjoying yourself, not on any particular girl accepting you. You don't need their acceptance. That is not why you are socializing. You are socializing for the joy of socializing.

You didn't get rejected, you just met a person who wasn't a right match.

Ok, so just focusing on the process not the outcome and keeping my thinking in check.

Ughh, I really need to get my mind in order.

[Emerald]

On 11/10/2025 at 4:51 AM, Something Funny said:

I don't have a dedicated mental health practice. Or a routine in general. My life is a mess right now.

With your struggles with setting routines and organizing your life, what do you find to be the most difficult or overwhelming thing about that?

Also, is there any kind of aversion to imagining your life organized in the way that you wish it were?

[TheCloud]

21 hours ago, Something Funny said:

Idk, just no routine or clear plans for the day. Not being able to stick to things.

 

No cooking plan, no cleaning plan, no clear set goals that I am working on, no specific habits. Everything is so wishy-washy. I am basically eyeballing life right now, lol.

I've exercised really hard last week and this week I didn't do anything, for example. 

 

If you suddenly realized enlightenment tomorrow, you would look at the person you just described as being a natural part of the universe.  So why are you so down on yourself right now, when your enlightened self isn't?  Although in stark reality there are no reasons, to the mind that has not evolved beyond reason, reasons must be given.

The reason I would suggest to you is that you lack in self-admiration.  What of yourself is it that you try to show people who you want to impress?  I suggest this because I believe that whatever it is of yourself that you admire most, that is your key to your highest self.  Anyone who does not admire themself for one thing they find truly worth admiration is lost, because without admiration there is no reason to question or wonder or struggle for yourself.

[Something Funny]

4 hours ago, Emerald said:

With your struggles with setting routines and organizing your life, what do you find to be the most difficult or overwhelming thing about that?

sticking to it, I guess. So it feels pointless to bother.

4 hours ago, Emerald said:

Also, is there any kind of aversion to imagining your life organized in the way that you wish it were?

no

[Natasha Tori Maru]

31 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

sticking to it, I guess. So it feels pointless to bother.

Do you feel like 'sticking to it' is a waste of time?

In which case, are there a host of things you would rather be doing that fall into 'pleasure seeking?'

[Something Funny]

26 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Do you feel like 'sticking to it' is a waste of time?

In which case, are there a host of things you would rather be doing that fall into 'pleasure seeking?'

No. It's a waste of time to bother with creating plans and routines if I am not able to stick to them

Edited yesterday at 08:50 AM by Something Funny

[Something Funny]

1 hour ago, TheCloud said:

If you suddenly realized enlightenment tomorrow, you would look at the person you just described as being a natural part of the universe.  So why are you so down on yourself right now, when your enlightened self isn't?  Although in stark reality there are no reasons, to the mind that has not evolved beyond reason, reasons must be given.

The reason I would suggest to you is that you lack in self-admiration.  What of yourself is it that you try to show people who you want to impress?  I suggest this because I believe that whatever it is of yourself that you admire most, that is your key to your highest self.  Anyone who does not admire themself for one thing they find truly worth admiration is lost, because without admiration there is no reason to question or wonder or struggle for yourself.

I am not sure I understand. What would this kind of self-admiration look and how it would help?

I you saying I should find my strength and do that?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

11 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

No. It's a waste of time to bother with creating plans and routines if I am not able to stick to them

What would you rather do, in that case?

[Something Funny]

@Natasha Tori Maru nothing, I am just answering Emerald's question.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 hour ago, Something Funny said:

@Natasha Tori Maru nothing, I am just answering Emerald's question.

Yep, got it. I am not leading anywhere with these questions btw - just open, probing enquiry to find out where interests generally lie. And maybe unexamined values. But no need to answer if these sorts of questions bring up stuff ❤️

[Something Funny]

@Natasha Tori Maru they don't bring up any "stuff".

I just meant that no, I don't have anything else that I would rather do, I would like to have some routine and concrete goals / action plan, but since I am never able to stick to it, I feel demotivated to even bother with it at this point.

This is not to say that I am not going to try again, just sharing how I feel.

[TheCloud]

9 hours ago, Something Funny said:

I am not sure I understand. What would this kind of self-admiration look and how it would help?

I you saying I should find my strength and do that?

It's not exactly the same as finding your strength, but that's a good place to start..  People do often come to admire themselves for something they are strong in, or put effort into and become good at something they admire.  But sometimes people are talented at or put effort into things they don't particularly care for, too.  Someone can be good at their job and still hate it, and someone can be mediocre at a hobby and still love it.

When you meet a new person, what is it you really wish you could show or tell them?  Do you want to make them laugh?  Do you enjoy making people food?  Do you like bragging and impressing people with your feats of strength or intellect or creativity or effort?  How do you show your best side to others, and what is that best side?

As for why you need to know this, it's because self-admiration is the thing that you can keep putting energy into even when you have very little.  You did a hard workout last week, then crashed and skipped this week.  If you focus your energy into things that aren't aligned with your nature, without knowing what really matters to you, this will always eventually be your result.  It's not something practical you can decide with logic;  you can't decide that because you see other men were successful in impressing others with their muscles, that your muscles are what's most impressive to you.  Before impressing others, you have to impress yourself, and make that your key to making an impression anywhere.

[Yimpa]

Rejection is Divine Protection ✨

[Schizophonia]

52 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Rejection is Divine Protection ✨

It's lowkey very true

In the sense of you get what you are

Edited 2 hours ago by Schizophonia