I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t know who I am anymore

[Aaly]

I don’t know where else to put this, so I’m just going to spill it here.

I’m writing this because I feel like I’m drowning inside. I’ve been holding in so much and I can’t anymore.

I feel excluded and betrayed by my friends. I keep fighting for friendships while they don’t even try. It hurts because I don’t think they even see what they’ve done. And deep down I don’t think I want them in my life anymore.

But honestly, that’s not the only thing. I’m struggling with way more:

I feel ugly, insecure, and like I’m never good enough.

I have PCOD, weight issues, acne, hair fall, my body feels like it’s against me.

College feels suffocating. I don’t like what I’m studying, I feel lost, and the professors are strict and cold. I don’t have close friends there either.

I’m socially anxious and introverted. Even basic things like presenting in class or talking to people make me shake, stutter, and blank out.

I feel like I’m constantly disappointing my parents, myself, and everyone.

I overeat when I’m stressed. Then I feel disgusted with myself after.

I’m angry, hopeless, and sometimes I wonder if my life is ever going to get better.

I’m only 20, but I feel old already, like I’ve been carrying this heaviness forever. Everyday feels like a punishment.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, if I’m broken, I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore.

I've tried talking to my bf about how i feel and he said the I'm just pretending and I'm acting like this to make him "chase me". And friends think "I'm creating drama cuz i have none in my life". I feel so hurt and misunderstood.

I came here because I don’t have anyone who can hold space for me. Has anyone else gone through this kind of “everything at once” breakdown? How do you even start to climb out of it?
 

[Hojo]

Yes I had several mental breakdowns before my awakening. Like 3 or 4 complete mental breakdowns. Its part of the path. You dont climb out of it you ride it out. Just know you aren't doing anything wrong you are doing everything perfectly. You are basically carrying weight for other people.

Edited Saturday at 09:06 PM by Hojo

[Sugarcoat]

I’m sorry to hear that

Some thoughts I have. You said you feel like you’re holding things in. One thing that could potentially help is to speak honestly and directly with the people in your life where the relationship feels unfair. And letting yourself cry while you do it if that arises. Talking freely with honesty but still respectfully could feel like you’re “getting it out of your system”. And it has the potential to affect the other person to change their behavior. I have personally cut people of in my life before in respectful manner and it feels good to speak truth, living a lie can be mentally draining

When it comes to your health and physical appearance, if doctors haven’t been able to help you, taking it in your own hands by doing your own private research can feel empowering, like you’re taking control to the extent you feel possible. 
 

Connecting with people with similar issues, in for example sub forums of people with similar health problems, could also help.

You can feel for yourself, would focusing on bettering these things just increase obsession and neurosis, or would it help it? Sometimes in life we need to focus more on acceptance, other times on trying to change, or both at the same time is possible. 
 

When it comes to study, really ask yourself if it’s worth it. If you don’t like it because it’s too hard, there could be flaws in your study techniques making it so you are falling behind. But if you truly feel it’s not for you, try to make a change there if possible, by taking another road in your education/career. 
 

You could talk it through with someone, or write privately in your journal all your un filtered thought, give them some structure and come clear to yourself what steps you wanna take next in life. 
 

In terms of social anxiety, sometimes it’s too much at once if you try to tackle that too, but it could also be possible that it’s very giving to try to overcome it. A crucial step in overcoming social anxiety is precisely putting yourself in uncomfortable social  situations, but one’s that don’t feel way too overwhelming , as that could just strengthen the fear.

Something that’s more directly targeting the stress overall could be installing some kind of relaxing practice. Could be mediation, could be exercise, grounding etc

I can relate to feeling old haha. I’m 22 sometimes I wish I could stay this age forever

 

Edited Saturday at 09:29 PM by Sugarcoat

[Human Mint]

23 hours ago, Aaly said:

How do you even start to climb out of it?

You can exercise becoming more independent/less dependent on others. Listen to yourself more, be clear about how things make you feel and inspect what is the source of your suffering, i.e why do you suffer at all.

If I could only stick to one habit that would improve my life would be doing some kind of physical activity constantly.