Truth vs kindness in relationships

[aklacor727]

Having a thought with myself about values, and comparing the values of kindness and truth, in a relationship. 
 

I’ve always thought of myself as a kind person and a very high value for treating others with kindness. But in reality I find myself putting truth above kindness, and being a bit mean in the midst of it.  Not gonna lie, sometimes really mean! 
 

I think a lot of whats happening, is it’s a part of me that comes out that’s triggered and reacting that way, and if I were more healed, present, living from my True self, this would not be occurring. 
 

 I am curious on other peoples take on this…Do you value truth or kindness more in your relationships? Do you live in accordance with that value, if not why do you think that is? 
 

I get to feeling ashamed after I’ve been mean.  

[Dabidoe]

We can tell someone the truth in many different ways, it's how we say it and what our intent is that matters more.

Kindness and truth don't have to be mutually exclusive. Say the dreaded answer to the question trap:

"Do you think I look fat/in this?" 

You can answer literally "yes of course why your height to weight ratio confirms it" and hurt their feelings or lie "not at all!" or sidestep the question and communicate lovingly the root insecurity "I think you look beautiful."

So it's a bit of a dance and the correct way to communicate probably depends on who you're communicating to.

[aklacor727]

3 hours ago, Dabidoe said:

communicate lovingly the root insecurity "I think you look beautiful."

@Dabidoe I love that. 

[aurum]

If kindness is more important than truth, that statement would have to be true to be worth anything.

[Emerald]

I tend to find that kinder people are usually more honest than unkind people.

Unkind people have to engage in all manner of self-deceptions to explain away their unkind behaviors to themselves.

[Leo Gura]

Truth doesn't mean being mean. Meanness is not truthful.

Truth can hurt a lot, but it isn't mean. So make that distinction.

Relationships require an intelligent mix of truth and kindness, and zero meanness.

Edited August 27 by Leo Gura

[theleelajoker]

8 hours ago, aklacor727 said:

Having a thought with myself about values, and comparing the values of kindness and truth, in a relationship. 
 

I’ve always thought of myself as a kind person and a very high value for treating others with kindness. But in reality I find myself putting truth above kindness, and being a bit mean in the midst of it.  Not gonna lie, sometimes really mean! 
 

I think a lot of whats happening, is it’s a part of me that comes out that’s triggered and reacting that way, and if I were more healed, present, living from my True self, this would not be occurring. 
 

 I am curious on other peoples take on this…Do you value truth or kindness more in your relationships? Do you live in accordance with that value, if not why do you think that is? 
 

I get to feeling ashamed after I’ve been mean.  

If some behavior makes you feel bad afterwards, and maybe even the other, what use does it have?

Honesty (or call it truth) was a huge value for me most of my life. Was very strong about it, and quite a few people like and appreciate me for this. But I also got into a lot of troubles for that.

At some point I realized that it's not so much MY VALUE, but it's a conditioning I got through family because my father ALWAYS PREACHED honesty above all. What he did not say is that he was dishonest as fuck, in public life, towards family and towards himself. He just created a image of honesty but deviated at will from that whenever useful for him.  As a kid I was not able to figure out the nuances, what stuck was the simple message of how important honesty is. Seeing this conditioning with my sister also helped seeing it with me, because it's typically harder to recognize your own  programming. And becoming aware that it's just a program, you can change and adapt it almost at will. 

Bottom line IME:

• It's not absolute "truth" vs. "kindness"
• It's about an individual mix - every situation, every person, every topic is different
• How much truth and honesty is constructive? 
• How much can the other take? 
• How much truth does the other WANT?
• How important is it for me now to be totally honest, how much am I OK with just saving face?

One thing is to super gently approach the answer to these questions. There is the example of "Do you think I look fat/in this?" 

A gentle approach would be to get more information about the person before giving an answer, especially if you don't know the person yet or are unsure of his/her state:

• Hmm..what's your opinion? How you feel in it? 
• Why do you ask? You have alternatives to wear?

Sometimes you can answer directly, oc. Just saying it can be good to check how open the other is to what kind of exchange of information. Check how the relationship is between you and the person. For instance, person is not actually insecure and if you answers "yes you look fat" person will say "Yeah thought so too, I rather take the other jeans my ass looks better in that one". So it's not always insecurity asking this question.

I once told a metaphorical story to two people within a short time that illustrated a behavioral pattern in them and could be helpful in moving on with a problem. Same story, same way of telling it. One person was immediately grateful and happy about me telling this story, the other one basically told me to fuck off and that I am an arrogant idiot, treating her like a child. Difference was their personality re openness to information and the respective "relationship credit"

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Relationships require an intelligent mix of truth and kindness, and zero meanness.

Good one sentence summary IMO. Applies to every individual relationship, situation. 

Edited August 27 by theleelajoker

[Salvijus]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Truth can hurt a lot, but it isn't mean.

This 

[Salvijus]

10 hours ago, aklacor727 said:

 

I get to feeling ashamed after I’ve been mean.  

The act probably was not wholly in alignment with truth then. 

Edited August 27 by Salvijus

[gettoefl]

Kindness and meanness are the same thing - healing to destroy.

You are keeping them stuck.

Which keeps you stuck.

Truth is healing to save.

You can't handle the truth, is a good meme but also a destructive lie.

[aklacor727]

20 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Relationships require an intelligent mix of truth and kindness, and zero meanness.

@Leo Gura I would love to never be mean 😭.. it is coming from an unconscious/triggered state when i am, I realize after the fact.. the relationship has been very challenging and I have not been in the best place, unfortunately. And I have not been putting the self actualization and consciousness work first. Which I need to I know.. I wouldn’t be here having made that post if I did probably haha 
Thank you for responding, Leo!

@gettoefl can u explain more what u meam?

 

[Raphael]

Truth and kindness?