How to not make a woman feel like a sexual object after having sex with her a lot?

[Davidess]

I met this girl in college and we had sex like 30 times in the past 6 months (we are not boyfriend/girlfriend yet, we are friends with benefits) and she complains to me that she feels like a sexual object. That every time we get an "opportunity", we end up in having sex.

She said that sometimes a thought crosses her mind that that she is worried I use her just for sex. We text all the time and we talk about school and other stuff. It's not all about sex. Yet I understand that if I try to reason with her, it won't work, because women operate more on emotions rather than logic, in general.

When we meet up outside of school, let's say that around 80% of time we end up having sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't force anything. Often times sex happens even though I don't have the intention of having sex.

She said that she wants also to experience leaning her head on me without me getting an erection and laying in bed without touching our sexual organs.

How to satisfy this part of her that wants to feel like a lady while simultaneously not becoming a "nice guy"?

[Puer Aeternus]

Sounds a bit confusing, like a lot of this is her own insecurity. She complains about it but still goes back with you? Seems like kind of an annoying game to play, like she's blaming you for her own lack of boundaries. Or she's trying to steer you into a relationship.

42 minutes ago, Davidess said:

Often times sex happens even though I don't have the intention of having sex.

Also, who is the one initiating most of these times in this scenario? The wording makes it seem like she is, which is doubly weird. How often is she initiating in general versus you? 

Also what do you mean you are not boyfriend/girlfriend yet? It's been six months, do you want to date this woman or not?

I feel like that answers how invested you should be. If you'd like to date her. Then yes put in the extra effort of course so it's more like a proper relationship where you might not have sex all the time.

If you don't know or aren't interested. Then the line on what you should do is thinner. If you're FWB, maybe you're friends too but the primary motive for this relationship is sex. 

It's pretty clear what she wants.. Or at least what she says she does! 

53 minutes ago, Davidess said:

She said that she wants also to experience leaning her head on me without me getting an erection and laying in bed without touching our sexual organs.

More bonding time, more physical intimacy but without sexual intimacy coming into play so often. You can humor her and do more of that. But if you don't want to date and she's turning you into an emotional support and starts having less sex. It's time for you to re-negotiate.. but I can imagine how well that would probably go.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Does she ever have conversations where she wants you to 'define us' or is she content with the FWB label? 

When a girl catches feelings, she starts to think about being claimed by a man. 

Somehow through your interactions, she is perceiving that you only care about the snatch, and not the body/mind attached. Her actions are a strong bid for contact. Depending on her love language; acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical intimacy without sexual intention, sex - you may need to work out how she receives love, and translate to it. 

I'd venture a guess and say she probably wants either words of affirmation or physical intimacy without sex. If she wants words, focus on expressing the qualities about her you value that aren't sexual in nature. If she wants affection, just do some cuddle puddle sugar glider sessions with no sex. 

But it is up to you if you want to communicate these things back to her. They have to be true for you, because you are in a grey area of courtship where attachment can get deeper and more serious, or break off entirely.

She is definitely wanting you to express your feelings here. I really suspect she wants to hear you are attached to her for more than the sex.

She sounds like she has feelings for you, and is a bit too emotionally charged up to trust herself to just outright ask you. This is really common in women. You do get some freaks who just walk up to you and spit it out though ! 

Edited June 21 by Natasha Tori Maru

[Puer Aeternus]

Ya, I think Natasha is probably right here with her perspective

Seems like irregardless of your choice, it will be up to you to initiate and lead in the direction you choose out of this situation.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

13 minutes ago, Puer Aeternus said:

Ya, I think Natasha is probably right here with her perspective

Seems like irregardless of your choice, it will be up to you to initiate and lead in the direction you choose out of this situation.

ᕙ⁠(⁠ ⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠ ⁠)⁠ᕗ💜

I've been that girl! 

OP describes the turning point of a romantic relationship - it's either going to explode, end up with commitment, or cement it's definition as solely FWB (this is more unlikely, since she seems to have caught feelings).

[integral]

Have you told her that you love her?

Girls do not want to feel like a whore, so in this case she would like it if you fell for her more so she doesn't feel like one.

[Puer Aeternus]

32 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

ᕙ⁠(⁠ ⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠ ⁠)⁠ᕗ💜

I've been that girl! 

OP describes the turning point of a romantic relationship - it's either going to explode, end up with commitment, or cement it's definition as solely FWB (this is more unlikely, since she seems to have caught feelings).

Awww! No wonder you know! 

Ohnoes, I'm becoming slightly  emotionally invested  in this outcome. My dome must be booped with the cinderblock of truth to return to my senses.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

40 minutes ago, Puer Aeternus said:

My dome must be booped with the cinderblock of truth to return to my senses.

Let's hope they are padded cinderblocks ay? Otherwise heads will end up caved in 🤣

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Davidess said:

How to satisfy this part of her that wants to feel like a lady while simultaneously not becoming a "nice guy"?

You'd have to actually commit to her in a romantic fashion.

Do you want that?

[Puer Aeternus]

12 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Let's hope they are padded cinderblocks ay? Otherwise heads will end up caved in 🤣

As long as I maintain cognitive function you mustn't hold back. 

It's a win if you re-arrange me in a way that even fewer people will desire interaction with me after 

[Puer Aeternus]

4 minutes ago, aurum said:

You'd have to actually commit to her in a romantic fashion.

Do you want that?

The ultimate answer we await 

[Emerald]

A dynamic that can arise between men and women, which will kill intimacy and essentially operant conditions her into avoiding physical contact with you over time is if every bit of affection or physical contact (cuddling, kissing, etc.) leads to sex.

Women don't get spontaneously turned on as often as men and tend to need lots of non-sexual physical affection that's given without expectation for the woman's responsive desire to kick in.

And if the woman knows that every bit of cuddling is always driving things in the direction of sex, she will feel a sense of pressure to perform... and she will start to associate sex as a chore that she has to do to keep her male partner happy.

And the affection will feel like responsibility, burden, and chores instead of like relaxation, safety, and a calming oxytocin bath. (which is what women need to feel turned on and for cuddling to organically escalate into sex)

That's what happens when a man operant conditions a woman into avoiding physical contact with him through making all physical contact drive towards sex.

And that's because, for women, sex is a chore when we're not turned on. And we need to feel like physical affection isn't just a tactic to get things to escalate into sex but a genuine expression of a desire for closeness. Only then, is it possible for women to get turned on by that physical affection.

I once had a relationship where the guy was always wanting for all physical affection to culminate in sex. And I'd tell him that sometimes I'd just like to cuddle or kiss without that expectation attached.

And then, he'd get upset and say, "Well sex and cuddling are both valid forms of physical connection. And I'm tired of sex being treated as an invalid form of connection. And I get my affection needs met through sex, while you get your affection needs through cuddling. So, I don't see why we're seeing those things in two categories, as they are both valid forms of connection. Your form of connection is not better than mine. And if you're not open to having sex, why would I be open to cuddling if I'm not getting my needs met? Aren't things supposed to be reciprocal?"

And I just couldn't ever get him to listen to the fact that I physiologically needed the affection to feel that desire. He was just thinking too logically about reciprocity that he couldn't understand why I might need non-sexual affection to feel turned on.

And his thought seemed to be something like "My chore for her is cuddling and her chore for me is sex. So, why would I do my chore if she's not open to doing her chore."

He just thought I was shaming him for getting his affection needs met through sex and expecting some kind of unfair transactional exchange. So, he couldn't hear my needs.

And I think on some level he believed that sex is just a chore that women do for men. So, he couldn't understand why I wasn't doing my duty and taking one for the team.

And over time, sex went from something that I felt spontaneously turned on by because of the newness of our relationships in the first few months of getting together... and afterward just became a chore that I had to do for him when I didn't feel turned on at all.

And all physical affection always led to an attempt at sexual escalation 100% of the time. And so, physical affection became a chore as well.

So, I stopped being physically affectionate with him because it was like "Ugh! Chore time."

We'd go months and months without sex... or any form of affection at all as I knew any affection would lead to escalation, and I already felt so many negative emotions about that that I just couldn't get there. 

And my desire for him shriveled up and died as the thought of being affectionate with him just caused this extreme pressure cringe feelings. I still get that feeling when I think about him, actually.

But sometimes he'd come up to me and try to get physical with me out of nowhere where he'd just start trying to go directly into sexual acts, and I'd feel that extreme pressure cringe feeling and say no. And then he'd get upset about it and do something immature like smacking my butt or grabbing my breasts childishly and running away.

But occasionally I would take one for the team, and I would throw him a bone every few months or so after being badgered about it. And I would just close my eyes and try to pretend he was someone else.

Of course, this eventually led to a break-up. I just couldn't feel intimacy with him.

And this is an unfortunate dynamic that occurs between men and women, where the man doesn't understand that a woman tends to have more responsive desire... and not spontaneous desire like he has.

A man just needs to see her and he's ready to go. But a woman needs a bit more to feel open and enthusiastic about having sex. And affection without expectation or pressure for things to go anywhere tends to be what a woman needs to feel ready to have sex.

And roughly, a woman needs an 80/20 ratio of affection to sex in order for her to get turned on by the guy and desire to have sex with him.

To give a more simple guideline... for every 5 times you cuddle, only escalate one of those times into sex. Couples that have more non-sexual affection and physical contact have WAY more sex than couples who don't, according to the studies conducted by John and Julie Gottman.

If a woman knows that physical affection always leads to sex, every bit of physical affection puts pressure for her to suddenly get in the mood... which further guarantees that she won't because the pressure is there.

Then, she'll start feeling anger, disgust, and all sorts of other resistant feelings because she feels like the sex isn't a mutual experience but a transactional extraction of value.

Just a cautionary tale of where this dynamic can go if your girlfriend starts feeling like every bit of physical affection is always leading towards sex. I'm not saying you'd do the same as my previous partner.

But the whole dynamic can make sex with a given man feel like nails on a chalkboard if the pattern continues over time.

[Consept]

@Davidess

I think the key is to be crystal clear with what you actually want from this. As others have said in the thread it does sound like shes making bids for at least more affection, meaning she's beginning to want more than just an fwb situation. 

Although women can be cool with fwb, more often than not they want something more whether it's with you or someone else as it doesn't fulfil all of their needs. So if you decide that you want more and to progress the relationship, then let her know. If it's just the case that you're enjoying the sex but don't like her enough or naturally feel to be affectionate to her then also be clear with that, in this way she has a clear choice. The other option is to kind of give her pseudo affection to placate her needs, which you can do but it will feel fake and will be inauthentic to what you're feeling. 

A dilemma that a lot of men and probably women face is that there's a need for sex and affection but you might not find the person you actually want a ltr right now with however there is someone who is willing to have sex with you available but you know it can't really be more. Navigating this can be very difficult because there are emotions and different wants entwined, but ultimately the best way is as being as upfront as possible 

[AION]

It is emotional manipulation to trap you. I would reflect on your own desires what you want and not be bothered by that. If it is just FWB you should just tell her that in a nice way. 

[integral]

@Emerald Fantastic response, nothing can beat insights from first hand experience like this.

@Davidess

To cover some of the basics:
1) Care about her day and life, show involvement and awareness

2) Random hugs during the day with forehead kisses' (non-sexual), you could say "your doing such a good job"

3) Playfulness and humor (tone of voice) 

Basically all of this comes naturally if you actually care about her... including long-term.

Its like what you do when interacting with a dog = affection. "your so spechiaiaiialllll" + hug

Edited June 22 by integral

[RendHeaven]

On 6/22/2025 at 5:06 AM, Davidess said:

She said that sometimes a thought crosses her mind that that she is worried I use her just for sex. We text all the time and we talk about school and other stuff. It's not all about sex.

Poor girl. You're giving her so many mixed signals.

Your fault for stringing along your fuck buddy

[Princess Arabia]

On 6/21/2025 at 6:24 PM, integral said:

Have you told her that you love her?

Girls do not want to feel like a whore, so in this case she would like it if you fell for her more so she doesn't feel like one.

Another 'woman are the prize' comment. Exactly, she's the one that might feel that, not him even though he's having sex too. There's no prize there in him but her and he doesn't have to worry about those things because of that; no man does, only the prize. 

[Princess Arabia]

There's nothing you can do here. She doesn't really feel that way, she's just saying those things to not let you feel that's what she is. She's perfectly fine with what she's doing. She's just operating on societal norms but the body says otherwise. You seem very thoughtful and compassionate and kind and she feels a bit of guilt and shame and it's usually the other way around, but I don't know the full circumstances and these are just my thoughts on the matter. 

In a weird way, I feel a little bit bad for you because I can tell you're not just using her for sex and now she's implanted some guilt there in you to the point where you felt the need to make this post. That's the signal that shows that you care. Let it play itself out.

[Princess Arabia]

A lot of the comments here can be misleading because of the assumption that women mostly want love and more from every friggin' guy they sleep with. That's not true. Some women will act that way because that's what is expected of them, to not seem easy and loose because of how society has trained them to be and what's expected of them. This is why men can get confused with women at times. They don't understand that women can also use men just for sex. It's just it's men they actually like and are attracted to and know. Men will use women they don't even like or aren't even attracted to. The difference is women have to be attracted and feel safe with the guy to be this way with him. The little rascals will try to hide it under pretense and do so cunningly because they know they can, so look out for that too. 

[Princess Arabia]

On 6/21/2025 at 5:04 PM, Puer Aeternus said:

Sounds a bit confusing, like a lot of this is her own insecurity. She complains about it but still goes back with you? Seems like kind of an annoying game to play

This is what I mean when I say it can seem confusing to men. I don't make this shit up. If men will stop thinking that women are always into love and prince charming and the knight in the shining armor and can't lust after men carnally and just want sex, they'll be less confused when they show that side. It's still different than men's lusting ways and still more subtle and personal and intimate but it's still there. It is annoying to me too when I used to do it. Looking back, I would pretend I wanted more but I didn't. I was younger then but lots of women do this and it's not a game they play, it's instinctual and a survival of the "nice girl" identity.

Edited June 23 by Princess Arabia