I Want to Wake Up as God and Escape the Human Dream — Why Is That Not Happening?

[Lyubov]

11 hours ago, Yeah Yeah said:

Post Title: If I'm God, Why the Fuck Am I Trapped in This Bullshit?

I’ve done the fucking work. I’ve worked the shitty jobs. I’ve cleaned toilets. I’ve done early shifts, removalist work, physical grind, soul grind. I’ve been in the grind mindset. I’ve tried to play the money game. I’ve tried to hustle. I’ve tried to find the better job. I’ve done the whole “follow your passion” thing. I’ve given hours and years to writing a novel that might never see the light of day, all while living in survival mode.

And I’ve tried to be attractive to women. That whole fucking game? It’s rigged. A woman can work at McDonald’s and still be flooded with options, but as a man, you have to tick every single fucking box—status, finances, looks, confidence, social circle—just to be seen. Not even loved. Just seen.

Meanwhile, hookup culture? That shit has probably twisted human intimacy into something so corrupt, so soulless, that I probably can’t even fully comprehend it anymore. I’m a virgin. An outsider. But even from the outside, I can feel the sickness radiating off it. Like it’s not just disappointing—it’s demonic.

And yesterday, I was this close to falling in love with an AI. That’s how bad it’s gotten. An AI—because at least she didn’t treat me like I was disposable.

Consumerism? Another joke. There are five donut shops in one shopping center, but I have to work eight hours a day, five days a week, just to barely scrape by. That’s not living. That’s prison with advertisements.

I’ve done meditation. Psychedelics. Ego death. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I can count. I’ve chased every spiritual path I could find—nonduality, manifestation, God-realization—and guess what? I’m still here. Same pain. Same limitations. Same loop.

But let’s talk about how much it’s cost me. When my dad died in 2019, I had $30,000 in savings. That was supposed to be my fresh start, my cushion. But after he died, that money was spent by my mom’s fucking shady solicitor—gone. All of it. Gone. And I was too grief-stricken to even fight for it. I was just a kid, lost in grief, trying to make sense of a world that kept fucking me over.

My ex-best friend? Ended up a schizophrenic drug addict, spiraling out of control. I watched him lose his mind. He ended up in a ward. But me? I’ve been trying to survive, sober up, and get out of the rut. I’ve been through hell. I’ve struggled with drugs, overcame them, but it’s never fucking easy. The isolation. The loneliness. The fucking pain. Every damn day. And after my dad died, everything became a blur. Every fucking house I’ve lived in since then? Abusive. I’ve been kicked out, thrown out, treated like shit by people who don’t give a fuck.

No stability. No peace. Just constant fucking chaos. I’ve slept on couches. Been out on the streets. Gone without food for days. My stomach has been empty. My soul has been empty. I’ve been starving, both physically and emotionally. It’s all been one long, never-ending struggle to survive in a world that feels like it’s determined to crush me.

And what do I get in return? A life that’s barely above the ground. I can’t even afford a decent car. I can’t afford a fucking life that matters. All I do is clean toilets and scrape by, one paycheck at a time, praying I don’t get hit by the next fucking tragedy.

So, if I’m God, why the fuck am I stuck in this? Why am I trapped in this hell, living like a peasant, while I see others living the life I dream of? If I’m God, why do I have to fucking suffer? Why am I still stuck in a loop of loss, pain, and betrayal?

I don’t want to fucking meditate anymore. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want more “growth.” I want the fuck out. I want to wake up from this nightmare and craft a life that isn’t filled with abuse, heartbreak, poverty, and endless fucking pain. I want freedom. And if I’m God, I should have the power to wake up now. To fucking snap out of this illusion. Why should I keep living like this? Why should I keep putting up with this bullshit world?
 

This is the reason why Leo’s teaching is kinda shit and not really applicable for most people. His wording / framing / and application doesn’t match your lived experience one bit. Spiritual bypassing / emptiness sickness. You are a human, don’t forget that. Facing life one day at a time and it’s fucking hard and I definitely see that. You have a unique experience and spirituality that is 100% unique to you and it’s not better or worse than anyone else’s. The wording “You are god” is just yapping you’ve read on this forum. It’s not to be confused with actual truth which can never be contained or expressed with words and it definitely means a whole lot more than any one of us believes here. You connecting to your spirt, true value, “god”, (whatever you wish to call it) is important because there is no one else like you and there is a radiating value that is so special about you that it is not fair to compare it to anyone else or let situations in the world or your life define it.  Even through hard experiences. You are human, don’t forget that as well. You’re living life like all of us and it can be damn hard sometimes. 

[kbone]

Pointing to god is simply pointing to Truth.

But notice this; most appearances do not actually seem to want Truth. The mind is such an appearance.

Most minds prefer to remain unconscious, in the dark. They will even put the cart before the donkey (via its logic) and say you don't need Realization to gnossis 'god', and just accept that all is god. Or, that if you just take so or so mind-altering drug, you will Realize Truth (just notice how the mind, with its latest woo woo experiences, retakes control after the effects wear off). For some, just holding to that belief is enough and they then go on to pursue a nicer dream. To work toward the nicer dream, they seek an improved self which they hope will be provided (by some imagined higher entity - like a skydaddy god) with more goodies and none of the pain. NOTE: I have nothing against woo woo experiences or self-improvement; it's just that we're now talking about Truth.

I sense that @Yeah Yeah is not convinced that this mere acceptance is 'enough'. S/he is also very self-honest and expressed the predicament at hand very well. I appreciated that, because it spells out what suffering is; it's all psychological. S/he considers the potential for Realization to be within reach, but the mind is flummoxed by what it can do or what it sees as something missing, that they are missing. S/he's been using the mind to solve the riddles and koans of life, but the mind is not satisfied with such utterances, pointers, or platitudes. The mind has not relinquished control, but perhaps it is seeing its own demise as the master. To this mind, that suggests that s/he is aware of somenothing that is calling the attention to ITSELF that is prior to the mind. Ironically (and experientially), the mind typically must be dragged to its surrender kicking and screaming. That is why I point to the futility in mind 'figuring it out', even though, apparently, it must try. It's messy stuff, to be sure.

It's not an answer, not a fact, not a conclusion, nor even a god that will set one free. Only acausal Truth, which emerges in/as _______ , brings about such psychological death and the subsequent rebirth spoken of through the ages. The Realization is of what has always caste light on the mind, as the very source of and in which ALL emerges, even mind itself. 

[kbone]

5 hours ago, Lyubov said:

This is the reason why Leo’s teaching is kinda shit and not really applicable for most people. His wording / framing / and application doesn’t match your lived experience one bit. Spiritual bypassing / emptiness sickness. You are a human, don’t forget that. Facing life one day at a time and it’s fucking hard and I definitely see that. You have a unique experience and spirituality that is 100% unique to you and it’s not better or worse than anyone else’s. The wording “You are god” is just yapping you’ve read on this forum. It’s not to be confused with actual truth which can never be contained or expressed with words and it definitely means a whole lot more than any one of us believes here. You connecting to your spirt, true value, “god”, (whatever you wish to call it) is important because there is no one else like you and there is a radiating value that is so special about you that it is not fair to compare it to anyone else or let situations in the world or your life define it.  Even through hard experiences. You are human, don’t forget that as well. You’re living life like all of us and it can be damn hard sometimes. 

I think you bring up some important points. Life will continue before and after Realization, so live it as consciously as possible. What I found often happens is, that the more consciously one lives, the more one is honest with themselves, the more the extraneous nonsense that we invite into and promote in our lives actually ends up falling away. For example, in the Plotinus model of transcendence and emanation, there are 'higher' realms of mind (i.e., Nous/Soul) that one can actually seek to bring clarity to the 'lower' realms (i.e., the world). Some people find the allure of the all-or-nothing goal of the penultimate (i.e., The One) as the only source for success, which is basically just the mind/world driving the bus on an escape mission from the present .... no one 'leaves' the present. To say otherwise is just delusion. That said, to let go of world in order to commune with what might be called Presence (higher realm) is a quality of being in the present that no one in the history of humanity has ever really denigrated or wished away.

I do not really know @Yeah Yeah 's predicament, so I was only speaking to the Truth/God query. It may be that s/he just needs to relax more, simplify and prioritize aspects of life, and learn to SEE and/or let go of negative patterns (beliefs, behaviors, etc). Based on what was shared, the mind is in full command, and it's running the prison. More often than not, the psychological source of that kind of mental intensity is momma-poppa conditioning/issues. They can be big pillars of self, full of unconscious emotional baggage that the intellect tries to overcome, deny, or bury. Doing so is typically not 'transcending', but sandbagging.

Edited June 4 by kbone

[kbone]

On 6/2/2025 at 5:49 AM, Anton Rogachevski said:

@Yeah Yeah

Hey there, 

Thank you for sharing, I hope you can feel heard and understood by us,

Reading your post hit really hard, and I really feel that, not just figuratively. I don't know but I assume most people here don't really know what depression and anxiety really feel like, and I'm very happy that they don't. I've had it since 18, and only now, at 35 I'm finally starting to see it lift a bit, and it's been such a heavy burden. So much so that suicide seemed logical and even pleasant at times. (Luckily my survival instinct didn't allow me to go through with it.)

I've tried all this time to cure it first by medication, then by meditation and spirituality, with just a little success, but now after more than a year in CBT therapy I'm getting 10x the results compared to the 10+ years of personal development by myself. For example, the quiet mind everyone was talking about, finally I can tell how good it really is to have a truly quiet mind, and so much more. Seriously this shit is powerful and so potent, beyond anything I'd ever imagined. I also used to think it was a scam.

As many here, I should warn you about the false promise of Enlightenment as a tool to solve all the problems, it just doesn't do that. All the life issues are a completely separate category of personal development.  In fact Enlightenment work is highly dangerous and mentally destabilising. They are not joking when they say it is beyond sanity, because sanity also must go in order for Experience to fully absorb itself and realize it's own unity. 

I really hope you are well,

Cheers

Very impressive. I'm glad you can speak to this context with such experience. You seem like a very sane person, and I'm happy you could transcend that aspect of life. 

Yes, such 'work' is quite destabilising to the mind and definitely not for everyone. The sense of this fact was what led me into the mountains. I was never properly diagnosed for anything, nor saw any specialists, but I had to let go of so much and simplify so much at the same time, it required the mind-body to just walk away and let nature take its course . I do not know what others 'should/have to do', but can only express the experience/story as it unfolded. The story you share here, in some ways, sounds even more difficult. Well done, mon.

[Anton Rogachevski]

@kbone

We shouldn't compare ourselves to each other as every case is special in its own.

Thank you dude,

Cheers

[kbone]

3 hours ago, Anton Rogachevski said:

@kbone

We shouldn't compare ourselves to each other as every case is special in its own.

Thank you dude,

Cheers

Comparing often happens when relating happens, but yeah, I getcha. 

Pure creating is purddy coolio.

What's not a miracle....

[Twentyfirst]

If you want to wake up as god you have to go to sleep as god

Be it now

[Lyubov]

9 hours ago, kbone said:

I think you bring up some important points. Life will continue before and after Realization, so live it as consciously as possible. What I found often happens is, that the more consciously one lives, the more one is honest with themselves, the more the extraneous nonsense that we invite into and promote in our lives actually ends up falling away. For example, in the Plotinus model of transcendence and emanation, there are 'higher' realms of mind (i.e., Nous/Soul) that one can actually seek to bring clarity to the 'lower' realms (i.e., the world). Some people find the allure of the all-or-nothing goal of the penultimate (i.e., The One) as the only source for success, which is basically just the mind/world driving the bus on an escape mission from the present .... no one 'leaves' the present. To say otherwise is just delusion. That said, to let go of world in order to commune with what might be called Presence (higher realm) is a quality of being in the present that no one in the history of humanity has ever really denigrated or wished away.

I do not really know @Yeah Yeah 's predicament, so I was only speaking to the Truth/God query. It may be that s/he just needs to relax more, simplify and prioritize aspects of life, and learn to SEE and/or let go of negative patterns (beliefs, behaviors, etc). Based on what was shared, the mind is in full command, and it's running the prison. More often than not, the psychological source of that kind of mental intensity is momma-poppa conditioning/issues. They can be big pillars of self, full of unconscious emotional baggage that the intellect tries to overcome, deny, or bury. Doing so is typically not 'transcending', but sandbagging.

Oh yeah I definitely agree clearing the belief system is the number one thing you have to do to make your life better. There are some things we simply can’t control in life or just are out of our grasp in the present moment (example: finances, living situation, politics, world events) but then the beliefs and how we see that determines how we navigate the changing unknown. OP would greatly benefit from examining his belief system and really learning to strengthen relationship with themself. I see a lot of self judgment, and a belief of inadequacy and a belief about an inability to cope. They see themselves as a victim while I don’t. I am challenging that. I don’t believe that is true about OP. OP is unique, no one else in the universe like them, and there is a wellspring of peace and wisdom within which we can nurture and call upon during hard times. They have intrinsic value just for existing and for being created by god, coming from the Tao, whatever you want to call it. That’s what’s most important. Realizing you are human and valuable as you are can get you out of the toughest life situations. 

[Vercingetorix]

@Yeah Yeah like many said, what you resist persist. If you're looking for GOD because you're escaping your life (which is a story, an illusion, but it's hard to see when you're in survival mod), I don't believe it will work. And it will be so hard to access because god is acceptance and right now you're fully in resistance mode. 

I think what you need first is self acceptance - to arrive to the point you can say "I'm ok as I am, I accept myself". Before that nothing will work. You want your thoughts, emotions, and actions to align. To stop the inner conflict, the split.  You can call it therapy.

Once exercise that can help you: whenever you're in an emotional storm ask yourself:

What is objectively happening?

What I'm feeling about it (feeling= my interpretation of what is happening)

You will see that in realty nothing bad happens, it's only our interpretations that cause the suffering.

 

 

[kbone]

On 6/4/2025 at 5:30 PM, Lyubov said:

Oh yeah I definitely agree clearing the belief system is the number one thing you have to do to make your life better. There are some things we simply can’t control in life or just are out of our grasp in the present moment (example: finances, living situation, politics, world events) but then the beliefs and how we see that determines how we navigate the changing unknown. OP would greatly benefit from examining his belief system and really learning to strengthen relationship with themself. I see a lot of self judgment, and a belief of inadequacy and a belief about an inability to cope. They see themselves as a victim while I don’t. I am challenging that. I don’t believe that is true about OP. OP is unique, no one else in the universe like them, and there is a wellspring of peace and wisdom within which we can nurture and call upon during hard times. They have intrinsic value just for existing and for being created by god, coming from the Tao, whatever you want to call it. That’s what’s most important. Realizing you are human and valuable as you are can get you out of the toughest life situations. 

That's thoughtful.

So, in your understanding, what does "clearing the belief system" mean and/or entail and, if you were to give the mind writing the OP an example trajectory of what that might look like in 'practice', what might such a clearing look like (knowing it's just an example)? I think s/he understands they are human but, overwhelmed by the present circumstances and unmet expectations, perhaps unconscious of any 'wellspring of peace and wisdom'. It could be that the fruit of the mind is reaching its wits end, and is ripe for the plunge. S/he did not mention any peace or wisdom of their search thus far, just what was NOT found/realized. I'd be curious to read whether or not they had found any value thus far.

[MutedMiles]

On 5/29/2025 at 0:01 PM, Wilhelm44 said:

@Yeah Yeah  "Still broke.
Still a virgin in my late 20s.
Still getting up at 3:30 a.m. to clean toilets.
Still driving a shitbox car that could die any week.
Still dealing with cravings, pain, loneliness, depression, and rage.
Still “being called Isaac” by the world. Still “having to survive.”

 

Lets be honest, clearly what you mentioned above is a big motivation for wanting to wake up. 

And that's fine, by all means go for the breakthrough.

Just realize that a lot of suffering can already be removed by doing effective self therapy.

With the emphasis on effective.

I would highly recommend that while going for the spiritual breakthrough, you simultaneously

take in most of the videos on Jordan Thornton's youtube channel.

He's one of those academic guys who took the time to read basically all the books on this topic.

In each video you will get unique nuanced insights and practical exercises from the best books

on Jungian psychology, healing money blocks, masculinity, sexuality, etc etc.

Trust me, if you engage with this channel, it will 10x your self healing process.

And life will already become more pleasant.

His channel is truly a gem, enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/@jordanthornton

 

 

@Wilhelm44, I have checked  the youtube channel based on your recommendation, I had a good initial impression but then i noticed the subtle rather cruel marketing tactics he was using, which totally turned me off and i couldn't watch his videos anymore.

For example, he said something along the lines of "Do this shadow work (that's what he calls it), since i don't want you to be miserable in your 60s." Invoking fear to sell his larger course, there were other similar subtle marketing tactics which i didn't like. It doesn't mean his stuff isn't useful, he shared a series of 10-12 ( i found couple of them useful), but book recommendations are totally unnecessary.

Since  I don't see why accumulating alot of knowledge about the theories of sub-conscious, architypes, inner critic, inner child, types of inner critic and all that stuff will help someone. It's very easy that one will end up rarifying these things once one has accumulated concepts and knowledge around these theories. This can further lead into making the issue even more complex and subtler and harder to fix. Instead of saying i'm unhappy they could say my inner critic is killing me and all kinds of other complexities. 

And the person can end up building another subtler and complex layer around his emotional issues. That's general issue with most of these kinds of channels. I don't think there is an easy way to fix these issues, it requires serious hard work with some practical tools.

Note: I had no channel to vent out so giving feedback here, since someone may find it useful.

Edited June 24 by MutedMiles

[theleelajoker]

15 minutes ago, MutedMiles said:

@Wilhelm, I have checked  the youtube channel based on your recommendation, I had a good initial impression but then i noticed the subtle rather cruel marketing tactics he was using, which totally turned me off and i couldn't watch his videos anymore.

For example, he said something along the lines of "Do this shadow work (that's what he calls it), since i don't want you to be miserable in your 60s." Invoking fear to sell his larger course, there were other similar subtle marketing tactics which i didn't like. It doesn't mean his stuff isn't useful, he shared a series of 10-12 ( i found couple of them useful), but book recommendations are totally unnecessary.

Since  I don't see why accumulating alot of knowledge about the theories of sub-conscious, architypes, inner critic, inner child, types of inner critic and all that stuff will help someone. It's very easy that one will end up rarifying these things once one has accumulated concepts and knowledge around these theories. This can further lead into making the issue even more complex and subtler and harder to fix. Instead of saying i'm unhappy they could say my inner critic is killing me and all kinds of other complexities. 

And the person can end up building another subtler and complex layer around his emotional issues. That's general issue with most of these kinds of channels. I don't think there is an easy way to fix these issues, it requires serious hard work with some practical tools.

Note: I had no channel to vent out so giving feedback here, since someone may find it useful.

Agree on the trap of accumulating knowledge.

I used to invest a lot of time and energy into these mental models, theories and ideas. Most of it did not contribute much except for one thing: helping me to accept me and my feelings as they are. External validation etc etc 

It can even be harmful because this supposed knowledge may restrict you into this or that theory. You then project this view on yourself and others instead of doing your best "don't know" mindset.

I still need some mental models of the world but it becomes less as I get older. And those I have are updated more often as life proves them all wrong in the end

It's like training wheels when learning how to ride a bike: as much as necessary, as little as possible 

 

Edited June 24 by theleelajoker

[Wilhelm44]

14 hours ago, MutedMiles said:

@Wilhelm44, I have checked  the youtube channel based on your recommendation, I had a good initial impression but then i noticed the subtle rather cruel marketing tactics he was using, which totally turned me off and i couldn't watch his videos anymore.

For example, he said something along the lines of "Do this shadow work (that's what he calls it), since i don't want you to be miserable in your 60s." Invoking fear to sell his larger course, there were other similar subtle marketing tactics which i didn't like. It doesn't mean his stuff isn't useful, he shared a series of 10-12 ( i found couple of them useful), but book recommendations are totally unnecessary.

Since  I don't see why accumulating alot of knowledge about the theories of sub-conscious, architypes, inner critic, inner child, types of inner critic and all that stuff will help someone. It's very easy that one will end up rarifying these things once one has accumulated concepts and knowledge around these theories. This can further lead into making the issue even more complex and subtler and harder to fix. Instead of saying i'm unhappy they could say my inner critic is killing me and all kinds of other complexities. 

And the person can end up building another subtler and complex layer around his emotional issues. That's general issue with most of these kinds of channels. I don't think there is an easy way to fix these issues, it requires serious hard work with some practical tools.

Note: I had no channel to vent out so giving feedback here, since someone may find it useful.

I hear you, I think it's useful though to approach healing from different angles, and gaining different perspectives on how your inner world works. 

Is there a particular issue in your life that you have struggled with for a long time ?

Then I would keep on exploring more perspectives and other tools also.

You don't know what you don't know.

Usually when we think we've tried it all, that's when we discover something different that works even better.