I don’t feel like there’s a reason for me writing this

[integral]

12 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

In the absolute it is.

Concept of self is a construction relative and modular in time.

I've had two to three sleepless nights a week for almost three years and sometimes still have trouble sleeping if I've consumed caffeine or am stressed. I was extremely stressed throughout my youth, I took steroids for sport, had eating disorders...
But I've never had this kind of "crash."; actually fatigue affects my appetite more than my libido.

It's complex.

There is no head 👀

Ok jk.

 

It’s truethings like PTSD and high levels of daily stress and unresolved trauma definitely can create chronic stress and affect the libido.

So is that what she’s experiencing? 

Edited May 15 by integral

[Schizophonia]

7 hours ago, integral said:

It’s truethings like PTSD and high levels of daily stress and unresolved trauma definitely can create chronic stress and affect the libido.

So is that what she’s experiencing? 

She is emotionally discreet so I don't know if she had very bad experience.

Edited May 15 by Schizophonia

[UnbornTao]

I suggest you really pay attention to what you do with your mind--not in a mechanical, self-conscious or intellectual way, but in a present, aware, and sensitive manner. This is more of a general point. 

Edited May 15 by UnbornTao

[integral]

45 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

She is emotionally discreet so I don't know if she has very bad experience.

A lot of people who have trauma experience hypersexuallizarion. For a 21 year-old to have low libido from stress you need to absolutely be hammering your body, like these are extraordinary conditions. So it seems unlikely. I remember there was another guy on the forum that said he was working night shifts, and that was destroying his libido. So again it’s body related.

After all the endless sleep deprivation, I did and destroying my body for 12 years. My libido slowly went down, but then when I started focussing on that to get it back up, it recovered quickly.

Maybe she has to masturbate or something to get her brain connected with her body again? Some people never masturbated before and or grow up in a culture of sexual suppression so they have no sexuality or connection to their sexuality. But even then, people universally want love and want relationships, regardless of their level of sexual intelligence. Something she says she doesn’t want. This is super unnatural and reflection of hormonal issues.

Edited May 15 by integral

[Schizophonia]

21 minutes ago, integral said:

A lot of people who have trauma experience hypersexuallizarion. For a 21 year-old to have low libido from stress you need to absolutely be hammering your body,

I just know that she did a lot of sports.

21 minutes ago, integral said:

like these are extraordinary conditions. So it seems unlikely. I remember there was another guy on the forum that said he was working night shifts, and that was destroying his libido. So again it’s body related.

That rings a bell

21 minutes ago, integral said:

After all the endless sleep deprivation, I did and destroying my body for 12 years. My libido slowly went down, but then when I started focussing on that to get it back up, it recovered quickly.

Why did you miss out on sleep if you don't mind?

21 minutes ago, integral said:

Maybe she has to masturbate or something to get her brain connected with her body again?

Lol.

Plus she has my face so it could work 😎

Ok i stop.

21 minutes ago, integral said:

Some people never masturbated before and or grow up in a culture of sexual suppression so they have no sexuality or connection to their sexuality. But even then, people universally want love and want relationships, regardless of their level of sexual intelligence. Something she says she doesn’t want. This is super unnatural and reflection of hormonal issues.

Yes.

If I consult the mirror effect, the part of myself that tends toward low libido and motivation, I come across the fear of being exposed.
Since I'm afraid of evolving, of becoming fixated on new fantasies, of being more sociable, etc. I "calcify" myself around a certain language and a certain habitual loop, and this creates a cold world, with little motivation, a somewhat ADHD-like mentality in general, and less libidinous.

Both fear of appearing stupid, and more deeply fear of death, hence the fact that I am actually very afraid of 5 MeO DMT I suppose.

 

 

 

[Yimpa]

 

[integral]

12 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Why did you miss out on sleep if you don't mind?

I smoked weed once when I was 21 and permanently stopped sleeping for about 12 years until I figured out what was causing the problem. The problem was I would hallucinate nonstop and have thousands of voices in my head. Severe hallucinations permanently caused by weed. I thought everything was in my head, because what could it possibly be I just damaged my brain basically? but nothing else to do so I began experiment with everything possible and spent thousands of dollars for 12 years. Eventually, I narrowed things down and figured out that laundry detergent was causing me to hallucinate and have voices in my head. The discovery that scent could cause hallucinations is very difficult to figure out because you need to have a paradigm shift. There is no indication whatsoever that scent could ever cause hallucinations not from culture, or science and not from personal experience because you’re constantly exposed to scent nonstop, and the trigger was weed so you’re completely in the dark in terms of rational clues available,. It’s too counterintuitive. When I figure out what the problem was I stopped exposing myself to these things which was very complicated and difficult to do like a bubble boy avoiding air and I started sleeping again.

lol I’m still allergic now, every scent causes a different type of hallucination and symptom. The problem is if I tried falling asleep in the presence of these sents, you get put into a hypnosis kind of state were you’re not sleeping, but you’re not awake. It’s like a middle ground and you just lie they’re kind of unconscious. Then you get out of bed 10 hours later destroyed.

Edited May 15 by integral

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 11:06 AM, integral said:

@Sugarcoat you don’t have a healthy body. I’m not talking about this superficially, there’s something wrong and you don’t know what it is and no doctors gonna be able to diagnose you.

Your experience is not normal at all and none of it is in your head, you’re not gonna suddenly wake up one day and something clicks, and suddenly your libido comes back, that’s not how this works cause it’s not in your head.

this is not in your head. I don’t know how else to explain this.

You have to go down the path of extensive self experimentation to figure out what is wrong with your body.

You could be allergic to laundry detergent… you could’ve high Mercury levels you could be highly super deficient in iron. You might have zero vitamin D left.

Normal doctors cannot fix this. You have to take your health into your own hands and solve it.

That means going to people that have a complete understanding of the body and doing a wide range of test.

Your body slowly failed in a way you don’t understand yet, and that caused your mind to change and to disconnect. The body came first not the mind.

No amount of depression or psychological perspective changing will cause someone’s libido to go to zero, it is a super primitive thing like eating or sleeping, the body simply does it.

I’ve seen plenty of people come on this site with this exact issue and you’re not gonna solve it by thinking you’re way out of it.

This isn’t about reading a book or one day you’re gonna have this grand epiphany and you’ll snap out of it and be normal again, that’s never gonna happen because it’s not in your head. 

What you’re saying might apply to the average person, they would need something biological in the body to happen to be in my state. (Perhaps not , maybe some have for example depression and are in a somewhat similar state like me)

But in my case it’s not caused by biology in the body. But it is caused by my brain, so in that way it is biological , more precisely, neurological.

From my own direct experience , from my own interoceptive awareness. What I suffer from is a severe disconnect from myself (feeling like I barely exist)

This causes disconnect from everything else: my thoughts, my emotions, my libido, my desires, my sense of reality altogether. (That’s why I sometimes feel like I’m almost in a void)

This disconnect from self, is caused by a neurological disconnect in my brain. It’s a kind of disconnect in the transmission of dopamine in my brain. 
 

It’s not a disease. It’s a result of extreme self dissolution (incomplete, so never reaching “no self) as a result of extreme amount of a kind of self inquiry (observation of self/mind). It took me several years to get to this point

I would say I have good internal awareness. For example I used to have chronic abdominal bloating since childhood. Bloated after every single meal.

I took matter into my own hands. I found through experimenting that it wasn’t the food that was causing it. It was a condition called abdomino phrenic dyssynergia (muscular problem)

I managed to permanently cure my bloating using different exercises that I came up with myself. Using my body awareness

i just used that as example of having good body awareness to be able to know if my body is healthy

I still value health. I wanna optimize my diet more for example. And I know there could be things going on in my body I’m not aware of. But it’s not the cause

You don’t have to understand nor believe me, no need to reply to this. I’m not here to prove myself to anyone. All my writing is just self expression. 

Even if I lack joy, I am kinda neutral most of the time, so it’s not super bad

 

Edited May 16 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 0:12 PM, Schizophonia said:

In the absolute it is.

Concept of self is a construction relative and modular in time.

The kind of loss of meaning I can experience, is related to that disconnect from self. It’s not really non dual in my case

But the self can be shed, I don’t know if it can completely because I haven’t experienced it, but it can be dissolved to extreme degrees

 

 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 0:25 PM, integral said:

It’s truethings like PTSD and high levels of daily stress and unresolved trauma definitely can create chronic stress and affect the libido.

So is that what she’s experiencing? 

I don’t have effects of trauma. I don’t have trauma in the conventional sense. 

I used to have chronic stress, but not anymore

I feel disconnected, not particularly stressed. I am quite neutral or slightly worse than neutral most of the time.

 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 0:28 PM, Schizophonia said:

She is emotionally discreet so I don't know if she had very bad experience.

I don’t have emotions 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 0:49 PM, UnbornTao said:

I suggest you really pay attention to what you do with your mind--not in a mechanical, self-conscious or intellectual way, but in a present, aware, and sensitive manner. This is more of a general point. 

Good point.

I am naturally very inwards. I have done a lot of a kind of “self inquiry”, (observing of mind and self). It has mostly been in a self conscious manner, but I don’t see how else it would be done, self conscious can mean two things,” insecure “or  just aware of yourself in general (which is a more neutral way), people use the term in different ways. I have done both of them. I have been neurotic. But I’d say it has been my awareness of it that has eventually with time cured it. 
 

What I experience now is a kind of “lack”. It’s not really “suffering” because as I said I lack emotion, and that includes negative emotions, but it is “unsatisfactory”. I feel this disconnect is a kind of “state”. My thoughts can affect my state a bit, or rather just help me to get through it without being so negative about it, but only to a certain extent. They’re not all powerful. 

Edited May 16 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-15 at 1:08 PM, integral said:

Maybe she has to masturbate or something to get her brain connected with her body again? Some people never masturbated before and or grow up in a culture of sexual suppression so they have no sexuality or connection to their sexuality. But even then, people universally want love and want relationships, regardless of their level of sexual intelligence. Something she says she doesn’t want. This is super u

It’s a bit weird. Because in my case, it can happen very occasionally that I get sexual dreams, and even more rarely, I can orgasm from them, without masturbating. But as soon as I fully wake up, the horniness goes away. And I never get horny in waking life since about a year back.
I’ve tried maybe once or twice to masturbate exactly after waking up from a sexual dream, but it didn’t really work, the horniness just went away. 
 

I don’t feel sexual desire in waking life, but I wish to have it back, like I did in the past. I don’t have sexual repression.

Edited May 16 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

I’m feeling kinda good right now ❤️I’m still kinda disconnected from myself (it’s normal for me) but it’s not super severe. Thanks for all the responses . ❤️I didn’t ask for help but it’s still nice of people to give their input. And I know many people enjoy writing in forums so it’s also for your own sake

Edited May 16 by Sugarcoat

[Xonas Pitfall]

❤️

Honestly, it might just be that you don’t have people around you right now with whom you feel safe fully expressing yourself. If you’re really deep into this kind of path - one that involves a lot of self-exploration and introspection - it is a very specific lens through which to see the world. And yeah, it can be a bit addictive, in a good way, because you’re uncovering so much about yourself.

Is there anything you want to be doing right now?

If you're currently drawn to things like ego dissolution, meditation, psychedelics, and contemplation, then maybe that’s just what you need right now. You don’t need to force yourself to be social if this is your “asocial” chapter. It’s okay to have seasons like that.

Some questions to sit with:

• What would I like my day-to-day life to actually look like?
• Do I like the people I'm around? What kind of person would I even enjoy talking to or being in a relationship with?
• Is there a kind of work or self-expression I’m into - like making content, writing, even just sharing on this forum? (You seem fairly active here, so maybe that is something you enjoy.)

TLDR: It’s possible there’s nothing wrong with you - you’ve just shifted the way you see the world, and now your reality needs to catch up. That includes your habits, your environment, and the people around you.❤️

Good luck! Plus, from the little I’ve read of your posts, you come across as thoughtful, intelligent, and grounded. I don’t see any reason why you’d struggle to get things going if that’s what you actually wanted to do. My guess is that it’s more about what I mentioned earlier, rather than you being flawed or “messing with your ego” or anything like that.

And my bad if someone already brought this up - I didn’t read the whole thread. 

[integral]

@Sugarcoat very interesting, if you take a psychedelic, let’s say mushrooms: for that period of time while you’re high do you feel connected again? 

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, integral said:

@Sugarcoat very interesting, if you take a psychedelic, let’s say mushrooms: for that period of time while you’re high do you feel connected again? 

Lol when I saw your notification I thought you’d say something against what I said.

I have only tried a little dmt and 5 Meo dmt in small doses. I don’t remember the dmt but the 5 Meo dmt almost completely erased the border between me and the world, it’s almost like melting into the enviroment, not completely though, because I took a small dose. I guess on larger dose it would be full blown “no self. “. If that would feel “connected” I don’t know. But to me the small dose felt like I almost dissolved, so not more connected

I wanna try different psychedelics but I live at my parents house so I gotta be sneaky and its hard to get a hold of 

[integral]

@Sugarcoat lmaooo i’m more interested in experimenting and getting more clues, in the end, that’s what has to happen here or you could stop looking for any kind of solution and just accept disconnection.

Or you could do both, you can accept it while continue looking for some kind of deeper understanding on the topic because why not

I am curious how mushrooms would affect your experience, but I don’t want you to damage yourself further, but obviously you shouldn’t mix psychedelics with antidepressants and antipsychotics

Edited May 16 by integral

[Nemra]

45 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I wanna try different psychedelics but I live at my parents house so I gotta be sneaky and its hard to get a hold of 

You know how. 😉

Finally, I almost got everything I need to extract DMT after my exhaustive search. But damn, lab equipments and chemicals are expensive. I better get high yield! 🥲

[Sugarcoat]

12 minutes ago, Nemra said:

You know how. 😉

Finally, I almost got everything I need to extract DMT after my exhaustive search. But damn, lab equipments and chemicals are expensive. I better get high yield! 🥲

Haha thanks

I extracted dmt that worked in giving me an effect from Mimosa hostilis root bark. It was simple ingredients to find