I don’t feel like there’s a reason for me writing this

[Sugarcoat]

On 2025-05-18 at 8:35 AM, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I can never understand your experience, and all of its nuances, in totality.

But something in how you are expressing yourself in this thread feels as if it echoes similar things I have experienced.

• Do you feel you know who you are? Your likes, dislikes, what you will or won't tolerate? 
• What motivates you to choose to take action, when you could simply witness? Leave well alone?
• Do you know what you want?
• Do you have a spiritual practice (I assume so! ), and how have you grown within this process? Do you feel you have experienced moments of peace?

Some of these questions are ever changing as we evolve, this is to get a snapshot of your current being...

Pending your answers I might have something to add <3

Thanks very sweet of you. Maybe you just asked rhetorically but I can answer anyways briefly.

The thing is I feel disconnected from myself like I barely exist so it’s hard to answer the first question. 
 

I have very weak sense of motivation. I’m not very driven towards anything at all. But it could be a subtle preference. For example now I’m laying in the sun, there was a slight preference to do that. 
 

I don’t really have much desires for anything. I know it sounds empty but that’s how it is now for me. 
 

I don’t really have spiritual practice but i naturally observe myself and my mind and have done that , and do that, a lot

I have moments of peace sometimes yea

 

[Sugarcoat]

13 hours ago, Puer Aeternus said:

I am curious if you can describe what the felt sense of your body is like? Can you explain in more detail what the disconnection would feel like? If you zoomed in on a body part like your stomach or palm of your hand, what is the texture sensation that would be experienced?

My body feels very light and subtle.  But the sense of a boundary between my body and the rest is kinda weak. This is a result of the severe degree of incomplete self dissolution I went through. The more my self dissolved, the lighter my body felt, because the self kinda creates this tension, or is this tension, when maintained. When I zoom in on an body part it’s a subtle physical sensation of that body part

13 hours ago, Puer Aeternus said:

Well, you definitely won't be feeling like a "normal brain" anytime soon. But things can only stay the same or get worse? You don't really know that. This is just imagining things will stay the same or degrade further. Could be true, but a switch could flip and things change in an instant too. You don't really know, even if that's what you've experienced for a long time now.

 

On the last page, you talked more about your felt sense of disconnection which I definitely believe. But then you gave some scientific theory behind it, alas that is definitely not direct experience. I do wonder if this could be feeding this negatively tinted "well things just aren't going to change" story, "it's just my brain brother it's neurological." And I'm not trying to gaslight you and be like OHHH it's not true. Something IS indeed a brewing. Again, that felt sense is such MWAH chef's kiss very good shit.

 

Ya just don't really know and that's okay. Ultimately what's going to happen is going to happen. Inshallah, I hope you wake up tomorrow and realize your true nature as infinite crocodilian. You abandoned society and frolick in a bog aligned with your true nature as a happy swamp puppy.

 

You don’t know whether I know or not. Sometimes when we tell our stories people try to fit them into their worldview, which is a view of the average person. But there are edge cases like mine which the average doesn’t apply to

It is possible to be aware of certain processes inside your own brain through internal awareness. I experience things in my brain I’ve been able to confirm using simple google searches that it’s a real phenomena that happens. Maybe the average person isn’t so aware of processes inside their brain, but doesn’t mean it applies to everyone, once again, when something doesn’t fit into average experience and an average world view people will still try to fit it into it. The average person doesn’t have clairvoyance either. But I know it’s possible because it has happened to me. That’s just another example. 

I find no joy in writing this . So I don’t really care about it. Just responding . 

Edited Monday at 04:03 PM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

Yes. Haha you finally acknowledge something 😂

Lol.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

That’s not a given 

I remember once a non dualist (Jim Newman)

Don’t know this man, do you particularly recommend his content ? 🤔

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

who have lost their self, got asked if the self can come back. And they answered no.

It’s counterintuitive from where i see, because after all humans self must have been construct.

Or god, samsara’s wheel, has to continually go toward lesser dense forms or ego. (Like you can become a « human » from a denser form of ego in the pas « incarnation » but will never come back to humanity after going to another form even less dense.

Like it’s an necessity in the absolute for some reason.

If you see what i mean 

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

Thats an experience I share. I’m not fully dissolved like him, I have a tiny ego left, but I don’t feel like it could ever go back to how it was.

It’s the part i don’t acknowledge well lol

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

How would brain rebuild the self again?

By reinforcing the group of neurons that are responsible, via medication and neuroplasticity.

Dont know if it’s better than « totally dissolving the self », am i lost at this point.

 

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I know only one way to grow a self, and that is through physical exercise that grows the brain. This is the ideal self. But it entails a lot of suffering so I don’t wanna do that

Every hard stimulation i guess.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I will say to doctor that meds aren’t helping so might stop them this summer.

Starts sending pictures of his psychedelic stash as bait on WhatsApp* 👺

Jk

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I don’t think neuroleptics lead to self dissolution. They might block dopamine but that’s not self dissolution . Psychedelics attack the self though like 5 Meo . But neuroleptics in my experience doesn’t alter the self like that

I see, i would have intuitively thought it was the case.

Classic psychedelics changes the form of the ego but actually it tends to increase it too. 5 MeO is really special.

[Sugarcoat]

48 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Lol.

Don’t know this man, do you particularly recommend his content ? 🤔

I like his straight forward and simple way

48 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

It’s counterintuitive from where i see, because after all humans self must have been construct.

It seems the brain constructs it. But that doesn’t mean you can willingly choose to make your brain construct it. 

48 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

Or god, samsara’s wheel, has to continually go toward lesser dense forms or ego. (Like you can become a « human » from a denser form of ego in the pas « incarnation » but will never come back to humanity after going to another form even less dense.

Like it’s an necessity in the absolute for some reason.

If you see what i mean 

 

I have had that thought too. Some school of thoughts believe that. I kinda believe every person is very slowly dissolving. But it takes lifetimes for most. Because the ego is kinda this “effort” to maintain, so it seems nature is moving towards more effortless states, like entropy haha. 
 

I don’t know this though, just a thought

49 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

It’s the part i don’t acknowledge well lol

 

It would be a miracle if my self came back to how it was before

49 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

By reinforcing the group of neurons that are responsible, via medication and neuroplasticity.

Dont know if it’s better than « totally dissolving the self », am i lost at this point.

 

 

My brain has a lot of self referential thoughts. So it’s like the “self neurons” are very very active. But there’s a disconnect in myself due to all the dissolution. 
 

Ideally I would dissolve my self fully

I can stay like this too. But it’s unsatisfactory and dull, disconnected and numb. 
 

I only know of exercise that can grow those connections in the self to create a connected stronger self. I seriously doubt anything else compares to that. It would have to physically change the brain. I’m not denying something could though

53 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

 

Every hard stimulation i guess.

Starts sending pictures of his psychedelic stash as bait on WhatsApp* 👺

Jk

I see, i would have intuitively thought it was the case.

Classic psychedelics changes the form of the ego but actually it tends to increase it too. 5 MeO is really special.

You know I wanna try. I’m open to trying things. I won’t lose by trying although I don’t believe in anything 

I’ve not heard of psychedelics increasing ego before.

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I like his straight forward and simple way

Ok.

Maybe i will check his work when i will have more time.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

It seems the brain constructs it. But that doesn’t mean you can willingly choose to make your brain construct it. 
 

Technically it would be possible.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

I have had that thought too. Some school of thoughts believe that. I kinda believe every person is very slowly dissolving. But it takes lifetimes for most. Because the ego is kinda this “effort” to maintain, so it seems nature is moving towards more effortless states, like entropy haha. 
 

It seems logical, but in the same time efforts/entropy are relative phenomenas ?

 

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

I don’t know this though, just a thought

It’s good 👍 

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

It would be a miracle if my self came back to how it was before

If it’s your desire it could ?

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

My brain has a lot of self referential thoughts. So it’s like the “self neurons” are very very active. But there’s a disconnect in myself due to all the dissolution. 
 

Yes, like all of us.

Especially me

take an anxiolytic to fall asleep*

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

Ideally I would dissolve my self fully

Ok

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I can stay like this too. But it’s unsatisfactory and dull, disconnected and numb. 
 

It looks like dysthymia.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

I only know of exercise that can grow those connections in the self to create a connected stronger self. I seriously doubt anything else compares to that. It would have to physically change the brain. I’m not denying something could though

Brain actually physically changes all the time.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

You know I wanna try. I’m open to trying things. I won’t lose by trying although I don’t believe in anything 

 

It’s a curious experience.

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

 

I’ve not heard of psychedelics increasing ego before.

Yes.

 

[Puer Aeternus]

5 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

You don’t know whether I know or not. Sometimes when we tell our stories people try to fit them into their worldview, which is a view of the average person. But there are edge cases like mine which the average doesn’t apply to

It is possible to be aware of certain processes inside your own brain through internal awareness. I experience things in my brain I’ve been able to confirm using simple google searches that it’s a real phenomena that happens. Maybe the average person isn’t so aware of processes inside their brain, but doesn’t mean it applies to everyone.

Yep, you're right. I don't know and this isn't some common case. Me trying to guess more is just empty time. Whatever will happen will play out on its own in the end.

 

Thank you for describing your experience though, it was interesting!