I don’t feel like there’s a reason for me writing this

[Nemra]

20 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Mimosa hostilis root bark

Getting that has also been relatively easy for me, although it was from another country and the postal service prohibits moving that specific bark (lol). The other chems weren't that simple to find, because I basically cannot import or buy from a local shop, and it took a lot of time to find a lab vendor that sells items for personal use and to understand the purity of their chems.

Edited Friday at 08:14 PM by Nemra

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Nemra said:

Getting that has also been relatively easy for me, although it was from another country and the postal service prohibits moving that specific bark (lol). The other chems weren't that simple to find, because I basically cannot import or buy from a local shop, and it took a lot of time to find a lab vendor that sells items for personal use and to understand the purity of their chems.

When I bought the bark I had no trouble receiving it. 

Maybe find a tutorial with simpler ingredients? You want me to send the one I used?

 

[Nemra]

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

When I bought the bark I had no trouble receiving it. 

Neither did I, because the seller had done some trick. 😁

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

Maybe find a tutorial with simpler ingredients? You want me to send the one I used?

Thanks, but I already got the ingredients.

They aren't cheap because they are the highest quality of their kind.

I want to get more than a 1% yield with the purest DMT I can. So, I don't want to be cheap.

I will be doing a specific kind of STB extraction.

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Nemra said:

Neither did I, because the seller had done some trick. 😁

Thanks, but I already got the ingredients.

They aren't cheap because they are the highest quality of their kind.

I want to get more than a 1% yield with the purest DMT I can. So, I don't want to be cheap.

I will be doing a specific kind of STB extraction.

Good I hope it works out for you. Update us if you want it would be cool

[Nemra]

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

Good I hope it works out for you.

We'll see. 😅

2 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Update us if you want it would be cool

I'll consider that.

[Schizophonia]

4 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

The kind of loss of meaning I can experience, is related to that disconnect from self. It’s not really non dual in my case

But the self can be shed, I don’t know if it can completely because I haven’t experienced it, but it can be dissolved to extreme degrees

 

 

I see.

Here's to when all of this will be fixed.

4 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I don’t have emotions 

I meant in general.

 

[UnbornTao]

5 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Good point.

I am naturally very inwards. I have done a lot of a kind of “self inquiry”, (observing of mind and self). It has mostly been in a self conscious manner, but I don’t see how else it would be done, self conscious can mean two things,” insecure “or  just aware of yourself in general (which is a more neutral way), people use the term in different ways. I have done both of them. I have been neurotic. But I’d say it has been my awareness of it that has eventually with time cured it. 
 

What I experience now is a kind of “lack”. It’s not really “suffering” because as I said I lack emotion, and that includes negative emotions, but it is “unsatisfactory”. I feel this disconnect is a kind of “state”. My thoughts can affect my state a bit, or rather just help me to get through it without being so negative about it, but only to a certain extent. They’re not all powerful. 

Regardless of all that, actually observe and notice. You are being intellectual. This kind of looking is experiential. For example, whether feeling like it or not, there's a reason behind our every action. The first step is to acknowledge your experience as it is, not as you think it is. So be as honest with yourself about that as you can.

Edited Friday at 10:28 PM by UnbornTao

[Sugarcoat]

13 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Here's to when all of this will be fixed

It will never happen. It can either stay the same or get worse.

i don’t have a normal brain. That is coming from my own interoceptive awareness. There has not been one second of me having a normal experience since like beginning of high school (that’s approximately when I started to notice my self dissolving)

Edited Saturday at 10:40 AM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

4 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It will never happen. It can either stay the same or get worse.

i don’t have a normal brain. That is coming from my own interoceptive awareness

No it will happen🙂

[Sugarcoat]

6 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

No it will happen🙂

I’m not here to prove myself to anyone. So I don’t mind you writing like that. But you are wrong

Edited Saturday at 10:47 AM by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

12 hours ago, UnbornTao said:

Regardless of all that, actually observe and notice. You are being intellectual. This kind of looking is experiential. For example, whether feeling like it or not, there's a reason behind our every action. The first step is to acknowledge your experience as it is, not as you think it is. So be as honest with yourself about that as you can.

My description of my experience is based on direct internal awareness.

[Sugarcoat]

16 hours ago, integral said:

@Sugarcoat lmaooo i’m more interested in experimenting and getting more clues, in the end, that’s what has to happen here or you could stop looking for any kind of solution and just accept disconnection.

Or you could do both, you can accept it while continue looking for some kind of deeper understanding on the topic because why not

I am curious how mushrooms would affect your experience, but I don’t want you to damage yourself further, but obviously you shouldn’t mix psychedelics with antidepressants and antipsychotics

I see your point. I am the type that tends to experiment when I have problems, I did it with my skin and stomach. But it depends on the problem and what my conclusion about it is based on my understanding of it.
 

I want to try psychedelics some time, I might discontinue medication as they’re not helping me. 

Edited Saturday at 11:04 AM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

36 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It will never happen. It can either stay the same or get worse.

i don’t have a normal brain. That is coming from my own interoceptive awareness. There has not been one second of me having a normal experience since like beginning of high school (that’s approximately when I started to notice my self dissolving)

Yes you changed your neuroendocrinology with awareness. 

If you have been in one direction then you can also go in the other.

I'm not grounded enough to grasp all this and make viable recommendations, but you should be able to pay for online consultations with some typically neo-Avaida thinkers who could relate more, or simply email. 

Neuroleptics also tend to lead to self-dissolution and, by extension, loss of libido, etc, hence the anxiolytic properties.
Even antidepressants, in fact.
It's more likely a crazy person like me who sleeps poorly who should be taking this combination of medications lol.

 

If I were you, I'd just stop taking this stuff and do a cure of an antidepressant nootropic that increases neuroplasticity, like Semax or NSI 189.
The neurological property most correlated with depression/dysthymia syndrome is neuroplasticity/neurotrophins.

NSI 189 is apparently comparable to an intensification of emotions and a return to a more childlike state.

But it's juste my opinion 

Edited Saturday at 11:12 AM by Schizophonia

[UnbornTao]

10 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

My description of my experience is based on direct internal awareness.

Perhaps, but also be open that it might not be entirely how you think it is.

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

Perhaps, but also be open that it might not be entirely how you think it is.

Yea

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I can never understand your experience, and all of its nuances, in totality.

But something in how you are expressing yourself in this thread feels as if it echoes similar things I have experienced.

• Do you feel you know who you are? Your likes, dislikes, what you will or won't tolerate? 
• What motivates you to choose to take action, when you could simply witness? Leave well alone?
• Do you know what you want?
• Do you have a spiritual practice (I assume so! ), and how have you grown within this process? Do you feel you have experienced moments of peace?

Some of these questions are ever changing as we evolve, this is to get a snapshot of your current being...

Pending your answers I might have something to add <3

[CARDOZZO]

Pick a fight with a homeless woman. 

You need danger.

[Puer Aeternus]

I am curious if you can describe what the felt sense of your body is like? Can you explain in more detail what the disconnection would feel like? If you zoomed in on a body part like your stomach or palm of your hand, what is the texture sensation that would be experienced?

 

On 5/17/2025 at 5:35 AM, Sugarcoat said:

It will never happen. It can either stay the same or get worse.

 

Well, you definitely won't be feeling like a "normal brain" anytime soon. But things can only stay the same or get worse? You don't really know that. This is just imagining things will stay the same or degrade further. Could be true, but a switch could flip and things change in an instant too. You don't really know, even if that's what you've experienced for a long time now.

 

On the last page, you talked more about your felt sense of disconnection which I definitely believe. But then you gave some scientific theory behind it, alas that is definitely not direct experience. I do wonder if this could be feeding this negatively tinted "well things just aren't going to change" story, "it's just my brain brother it's neurological." And I'm not trying to gaslight you and be like OHHH it's not true. Something IS indeed a brewing. Again, that felt sense is such MWAH chef's kiss very good shit.

 

Ya just don't really know and that's okay. Ultimately what's going to happen is going to happen. Inshallah, I hope you wake up tomorrow and realize your true nature as infinite crocodilian. You abandoned society and frolick in a bog aligned with your true nature as a happy swamp puppy.

 

[cuteguy]

On 5/7/2025 at 3:59 PM, Sugarcoat said:

I could lowkey melt into the enviroment at any moment

Wouldn't that be sweet?

The problem is you can neither do it nor stop it from happening. The energy of holding on is "automatic" and uncomfortable. The end of that energy is Home.

[cuteguy]

On 5/7/2025 at 6:17 PM, Sugarcoat said:

Or id like to have full dissolution. What could be negative when there’s no ego there? 

Full dissolution is your dissolution. You go, not your ego. You go. Everything stays. That's what's longed for. That's Home, but for no one.

It's this already, though. Death ❤