Incomplete self dissolution

[Sugarcoat]

It seems to me that the self is this dense structure. It has depth and layers to it. It is made up of mind, it’s a mental self, a mental self image being a part of it. Seems like the brain is imagining it. 
 

I did an extreme amount of this kind of self inquiry, more specifically having my attention on myself, observing my self and my thoughts. And contemplating naturally about it as a result.

My self started to dissolve. One layer at a time. The layers dissolving felt like a release of tension in my entire system, from top to bottom. Very expansive. 
 

My self kept dissolving. April 2023, it was like the ~last~ layer of my mental self dissolved. It was the most profound release of tension in my system. 

Fast forward, and my self kept dissolving. November 2023, only a tiny speck of ego was left, like a core self that the brain imagines. No more layers. 
 

It was like I was at the edge of reality. 
 

It was like I was 99% dissolved.

I had almost no sense of time, continuity, space/distance, or other.

Basically almost no sense of REALITY.

Imagine walking around and it’s almost like there’s nothing existing. The little ego left thought to itself, “its almost like there’s no reality” “it’s almost like death”.

It was like I was approaching a kind of nothingness. A void. Unconsciousness. 
 

Why can’t I dissolve the last speck of self? I realized it’s because I’m not the one maintaining it, my brain is, my brain is imagining a self. I’m not the creator of it.

So here I am, in this middle ground, stuck in “semi headlessness”. It’s almost like I’m in a void, I’m familiar with it by now. It has never scared me. 
 

[LastThursday]

@Sugarcoat it looks like it's been a positive process for you so far.

If your sense of self has nearly dissolved, what do you think that self was for? Are you able to carry on normally in life, or does it cause you difficulties? Why do you think dissolving the self affects your sense of time, continuity, space and distance? What's the relationship there?

[Sugarcoat]

@LastThursday a little bit of the self reappeared (but not in the way it was before as in layers of mind, but some sense of time, space and other etc reappeared)

It was positive when I had “breakthroughs” because it felt like a release of tension, (the self is lowkey this tension). But other than that pretty neutral. 
 

I think the self has to do with survival maybe it was created to help body survive I don’t know though 

My difficulties is that I lack emotion, libido and major joy. I’m almost completely “neutral” all the time, very calm and unaffected by circumstances, it’s a bit zen almost. Sometimes I can get “low” because I feel a disconnect from myself, as a consequence of all this. 
 

But other than that my life continues normally. 
 

The self and other/rest is one boundary, when that boundary starts to dissolve sense of distance starts to dissolve too (you could almost visualize it). Time and continuity  connected to your sense of reality and personal timeline which is connected to sense of self 

[LastThursday]

Do you find that the last remaining speck of self is a constant thing, or does it come and go? I hope you don't mind all the questions.

[Sugarcoat]

@LastThursday It never goes fully away. Or maybe it does but I just don’t notice those tiny moments of absence. But it does fluctuate how big it is

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

November 2023

Ofc when i pop up 

 

More seriously, I see what you mean.

If you dissolved yourself completely, you would a priori mahasamadhi.

But there's no real point in dissolving the self except to gain perspective on maya.

I had the opposite inclination; A very strong ego to the point of not being able to sleep; a real inability to dissolve, to make maya unreal, to return to the self as Maharshi would say... Call it what you will.

Even though it has evolved a lot.

Edited May 6 by Schizophonia

[Dazgwny]

Maybe that little speck left is the idea of your brain, and that the brain is imagining it. Maybe you’ve just got to flip that idea on its head and realise that one layer of it is that mind is imagining your brain. Your brain is not imagining anything. You’re just imagining your brain, and that brain that your imagining you think is imagining stuff. If you’ve let everything else go, surely you must realise that you’ve got to let the brain go too. Or maybe, that is just one move too far that you are unwilling to accept

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I’m not the creator of it.

Dissolving is creation

Begone, chick-n-ego.

[VeganAwake]

Dissolving is one way to describe it.

Here it was more like a clear realization that "I" was just never there from the start...... "I" only seemed to be there!

It wasn't like forgetting who "I" was or where "I" lived or what "my" prior life was like.

At a certain point during inquiry, it just became super obvious that this "ME" character was not a real entity...... It definitely seemed radical and awkward at the time......like a weight of burden lifted off the shoulders.

Point being, it was not something forced......

Like you described...... it's more like clearly seeing these layers of personal stories, thoughts, beliefs, labels, etc etc......... simply did not equal a real character called "ME"

So nothing really dissolved even.

The recognition was just so obvious....... It was more like "huh, there isn't a ME interesting" 😲

It was radical and ordinary simultaneously 

 

There's nothing to force........ less forcing more recognizing 🤣😅😂

❤️ 

[gettoefl]

Seems to me like a classic no-self awakening. This is half the journey. The rest is to full self aka true self. What helped me at that point were the books I am That and A course in Miracles both of which are freely available online.

[CoolDreamThanks]

"Basically almost no sense of REALITY."

You're confusing reality with illusion. 

When the ego dissolves, what you lose is illusion - time, stories, even perception of boundaries and separate things. 

And what you get is reality - a timeless, formless domain with peace and bliss. No more fear, no more worries, finally back home in Reality. 

This is causing you great confusion.

You think you are losing reality when you are losing illusion. 

If you fix this confusion, you should be fine. 

[Sugarcoat]

16 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Ofc when i pop up 

 

More seriously, I see what you mean.

If you dissolved yourself completely, you would a priori mahasamadhi.

But there's no real point in dissolving the self except to gain perspective on maya.

I had the opposite inclination; A very strong ego to the point of not being able to sleep; a real inability to dissolve, to make maya unreal, to return to the self as Maharshi would say... Call it what you will.

Even though it has evolved a lot.

I googled mahasamadhi and it seems it’s when the consciousness leaves the body, I don’t think this is close to that

If self dissolution means end of suffering then I’m for it

You have a normal amount of ego 

[Sugarcoat]

15 hours ago, Dazgwny said:

Maybe that little speck left is the idea of your brain, and that the brain is imagining it. Maybe you’ve just got to flip that idea on its head and realise that one layer of it is that mind is imagining your brain. Your brain is not imagining anything. You’re just imagining your brain, and that brain that your imagining you think is imagining stuff. If you’ve let everything else go, surely you must realise that you’ve got to let the brain go too. Or maybe, that is just one move too far that you are unwilling to accept

It’s not a scary idea to entertain, it’s not like I’m unwilling to accept it. 
 

I recognize that when I think about my brain, it’s a thought about my brain. I don’t have proof of my brains existence

i don’t feel like I chose my thoughts : thoughts just arise, so when I imagine myself, when I have self referential thoughts, I think to myself: maybe those thoughts create or at least contribute to the sense of self?

And what/who is thinking those thoughts? You could say I’m thinking those thoughts, but I don’t feel like I’m making a conscious choice in choosing to have those thoughts, those thoughts about myself come spontaneously: that’s why I say it’s my brain imagining myself. 
 

 

[Sugarcoat]

14 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

Dissolving is one way to describe it.

Here it was more like a clear realization that "I" was just never there from the start...... "I" only seemed to be there!

It wasn't like forgetting who "I" was or where "I" lived or what "my" prior life was like.

At a certain point during inquiry, it just became super obvious that this "ME" character was not a real entity...... It definitely seemed radical and awkward at the time......like a weight of burden lifted off the shoulders.

Point being, it was not something forced......

Like you described...... it's more like clearly seeing these layers of personal stories, thoughts, beliefs, labels, etc etc......... simply did not equal a real character called "ME"

So nothing really dissolved even.

The recognition was just so obvious....... It was more like "huh, there isn't a ME interesting" 😲

It was radical and ordinary simultaneously 

 

There's nothing to force........ less forcing more recognizing 🤣😅😂

❤️ 

Yea it seems to me like the sense of self can drop even if the structure hasn’t been dissolved. 
 

Because my self still feels absolutely real, even if it’s very “thin/small”. So that realness could go away at any time, regardless of how much has dissolved. 
 

 

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, gettoefl said:

Seems to me like a classic no-self awakening. This is half the journey. The rest is to full self aka true self. What helped me at that point were the books I am That and A course in Miracles both of which are freely available online.

I wouldn’t say it’s classic. I think most people who have awakenings have them without dissolving so much of the structure of self. 
 

It seems I was close to a sort of awakening

Yea maybe I was approaching a nothingness, but upon arrival at it, it would reveal itself to be everything. Maybe

Thanks for the suggestions

[Sugarcoat]

56 minutes ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

"Basically almost no sense of REALITY."

You're confusing reality with illusion. 

When the ego dissolves, what you lose is illusion - time, stories, even perception of boundaries and separate things. 

And what you get is reality - a timeless, formless domain with peace and bliss. No more fear, no more worries, finally back home in Reality. 

This is causing you great confusion.

You think you are losing reality when you are losing illusion. 

If you fix this confusion, you should be fine. 

I was losing that sense of “something existing” (the boundary of self and other).

Reality is to me “something” , duality. So it was like I was approaching no duality, no reality 

But you could call reality everything 

[Hojo]

You cant go infinite one peel at a time

 

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Hojo said:

You cant go infinite one peel at a time

 

I didn’t go infinite. But I peeled the layers of self to almost an end. I’m still here with this tiny self left

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I googled mahasamadhi and it seems it’s when the consciousness leaves the body, I don’t think this is close to that

I assumed that a total dissolution would simply lead to the end of the universe.

Quote

If self dissolution means end of suffering then I’m for it

I want to have fun in the maya.

Quote

You have a normal amount of ego 

Maybe. 

Edited May 7 by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

5 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I assumed that a total dissolution would simply lead to the end of the universe.

It was like the end of “something”