Family Language Dispute: Escalation and Fallout

[Emotionalmosquito]

Today I overheard my dad and older brother tossing around crude, borderline inappropriate humor in front of my pubescent nieces (dad’s grandkids). That alone wouldn’t have set me off. What got me was the hypocrisy. I’ve been grilled by my dad for stuff just as tame, if not tamer, while he and my brother get a free pass. It’s always a much bigger deal when I do it. The unfairness shoves a jagged dagger right through my central anger nerve and slowly twists.

So I stormed in, both guys and both girls there, and called out the double standard. They didn’t take it seriously, smirking like it was nothing. I tried reasoning, but it was like talking to a wall. Then the older niece told me to “stop saying bad words,” and in a heated, split-second reaction, I snapped, “Suck my fat fing c***, b****.” Grins gone, room silent. Point made.

Let’s be perfectly clear: I didn’t mean that for her, not even close. It was 100% aimed at the guys to shock them into seeing the problem. Still, I feel bad for any hurt it caused her. In the car later, she was quiet, so I told her it was for them, not her, and said sorry. I’ll keep apologizing as long as she needs.

I don’t, however, regret jolting the double-standard duo, not one bit. Was there a better way? Probably so. But it worked, they can’t unhear it. Another thing is: Sure I could’ve done something more tactful, like have a sit down and serious discussion, that may or may not have changed anything. Even if it did, the damage of their blatant hypocrisy at my cost has already woven itself so deep into me that a simple stop wouldn’t have been good enough. They’d still be getting away free for what they’ve already done.

Now, I see only two possible outcomes regarding the naughty talk around kids: 1) They’ll watch their fucking mouths around the kids, linking their crude urges to my meltdown, or 2) They’ll dig in deeper to prove I didn’t change a damn thing. Knowing our family, I’m betting on 1. 

Dad is exponentially more tripped out over this than bro. Him and I drove them home and on the way back my phone was still connected to blue tooth so I played the Beatles “all you need is love” and Taylor’s “shake it off” he said nothing the whole ride and never reacted. I just know he’s gonna be stewing in a cauldron of absolutely zero introspection or accountability for days, thinking this is all 1000% my fault while completely ignoring the deeper issue. I’m ready to tackle this as soon as possible because I’ve got way more ammunition on my side. I goofed up, but it was a goof that got the job done, they won’t act like that with them anymore, and they’ve been pulling this shit for years. So I’ll talk to whoever I need to and apologize to the girl as much as necessary, but only her.

So what do you think? Suggestions on next steps? Comments? Insights? Mom says I best not talk to dad right away because he’s so epically butthurt over it it’s not a good idea yet 

 

 

[Hojo]

Sounds immature to me. You were so insulted about someone swearing in front of kids you had to storm in to say something. When no response was taken you did the very same morally unthinkable act for no reason. Obviously its not swearing in front of kids you were upset about.

This is obviously not on the same level but like if he slapped the child you got angry and say we shouldn't slap the kids and he says he can so you slap one too.

Edited April 7 by Hojo

[meta_male]

@Emotionalmosquito So you're calling out the double standard but then use some seriously inappropriate language in front of your niece? Come on man, you need to lead by example, not mirror toxic behavior. It sounds like you're stuck in this family dynamic, and honestly no real point was made with that outburst.

[Emotionalmosquito]

@meta_male

Yeah, I get it. There were saner ways to handle it before going full scorched-earth. In a perfect world, I’d have tried those first. But with these two? I know them too well. A calm ‘serious talk’ would’ve gotten nods, maybe a week of good behavior, then back to the same old crude routine, they enjoy it too much. Words alone don’t stick with them. The outburst, though? It forced the issue wide open. They can’t dodge it now; it’s a problem we all have to face.

And sure, I didn’t lead by example, guilty as charged. But this isn’t just about that moment. It’s years of their double standards, slamming me for acting the way they do, that’s built this rage. It’s not just hypocrisy; it’s personal. That unfairness helped turn me into the angry mess I am today. Since this blew up, I’m not fixed—far from it—but I feel a bit less like I’m drowning in suicidal fury. Standing up to their crap, even messily, got the message out in a way they can’t ignore. That’s something.

[meta_male]

@Emotionalmosquito I get you, I’ve been there myself. This felt more like a dam breaking than just a moment of bad judgment. But if you want to be taken seriously, the way you deliver the message matters most. You've probably used enough words over the years and by how you describe them they’ll focus more on the outburst than your pain behind it. There are better ways to get your message across though...they might not hit hard in the moment, but have a long lasting impact.

[LordFall]

Reflect on your own ego. Clearly you felt disrespected by double standard more than anything to do with the kids present. So perhaps you feel powerless in life like people don't respect you and I assume it happens in other areas of life if you've been so hurt by it. Happens, just let it go and fix the issues in boundaries that cause this. 

[Lucasxp64]

Those family disputes are so energy draining. My mother literally tells me she wants to kill me with a knife, and I can't speak of what she truly is out loud when I do sometimes: A vengeful old person full of inner built up hate. 

Fortunately I know she isn't so deranged, she only ever once pointed a knife at me which I neutralized immediately. But be careful with crazy family members, if it gets too heated get the heck away temporarily, go take a walk.

Edited April 9 by Lucasxp64

[Yimpa]

44 minutes ago, Lucasxp64 said:

But be careful with crazy family members, if it gets too heated get the heck away temporarily, go take a walk

*a run.

I ran 

Edited April 9 by Yimpa

[Basman]

This sounds like it has more to do with your resentment over feeling singled out as a kid. You should find a more respectful way to deal with your grievances. They might change their behavior around you now but only because they think your nuts. Don't assume other people even know what you are seeing. They might not see that swearing in front kids is that serious.

I haven't tried it myself yet, but I think that you should try to ask leading questions instead of trying to dominate people into doing what you want. For example, ask "do you think it is appropriate to swear like sailors in front of the kids?" They might not care but you asserted disapproval while exemplifying respectful conduct. Then they have the opportunity to change their behavior from a place of genuine understanding.