LambChop

Is cheating inevitable in a relationship with a male?

39 posts in this topic

Hi all,

I've been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. I wrote a topic about him around that time ago because I was actually having trouble understanding how love worked ROFL, but I did eventually get the hang of it. We are doing very well at the moment and are taking things slow for financial reasons. He is a very secure guy :) the only con i can think of is his messy bathroom. Luv him though, he's my baby.

Anyways, I've been hearing here and there about a "seven year itch". It means that satisfaction in a relationship starts to decline after seven years. I have mixed feelings on getting old with anyone, especially a male. I'm 22 and I'm aware I'm pretty wet behind the ears when it comes to literally everything, but there have been some things I've seen that have proven themselves to be true in my perception. Here is my biggest concern:

men are sexually active up until a later age. My boyfriend and I are in a monogamous relationship and neither of us is okay with polyamory or opening the relationship up. The problem that arises is the ticking time bomb that is my female body. with every menstrual cycle i lose another egg, and with every year that passes i start to ebb away from being at a "hot" age. Soon, I'll be a fully aged woman with an elderly body-- nothing any man would want. My belly will probably bear stretch marks from having carried children, and I'll look wrinkly and my boobs will hit the floor. Will he even want me in that state? Will I have no choice but to cuck myself just so he's happy? The thought of it makes me feel sick, but I've never met a man whose into women over 45... IT IS SO OVER FOR ME. :( 

When my mother was in her fifties I found out that my dad was cheating on her with a younger woman, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. My mother had been nothing but supportive to him for over 25 years at that point. He lives on her paycheck, she agrees with literally everything he says, she cooks him dinner every other night, she visits his family more often than her own, she even gave him more attention than to her own children, and he still cheated because she grew old and conventionally unattractive. Her opinion on all this? "sigh...Men..."

I have talked to my boyfriend about this multiple times, and he swears that he'll remain loyal no matter how long we have remained together. But does he really know that? We're in our early twenties. We've only been together 5 years. We don't know shit.

Does anyone have any words of guidance on how to navigate this, please LMK. This is one of those things where I have just a little too much evidence for a personal anxiety to be labeled as nothing more than an irrational thought.

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Pretend that your best friend is having these worries. What would you tell them?

I would tell her that she is worrying about something that is completely out of her control, and its useless to worry about things out of your control. 

I'd also be careful always bringing up this insecurity to your boyfriend. If my girlfriend kept saying this to me, of course I would console her at first, but I'd eventually grow annoyed and I would wish that she could be more secure in her own self worth. 

Things change as you grow older, priorities change, and looks are not as important. Understand that you will be a valuable person no matter how beautiful you look on the outside.

Also, if you really want some encouragement, there are thousands of women celebrities in their 40s and even 50s that are still drop dead gorgeous. Look them up for reassurance.

Good luck. 

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My 2 cents

  • A bitter pill - "There could be a majority consensus that woman look "their best"......with their youth...late teens & early 20s"; However, this is not to exploited and exaggerated that women all of a sudden drop like a rock in beauty as they age (although definitely possible depending on your lifestyle & self-care routines) but I'd say the beauty transforms. So rather than your man getting "the hots" from you being "physically sexy", it may instead arise from your (at that point/in your later years) developed feminine energy or your ability to express your intimacy or sexuality (men will always love good blowj-.....lol)
  • Reality is impermanent (check out Leo's video on the matter), but tl;dr - everything changes and nothing stays the same, so don't get too attached to any particular form.
  • Whether he cheats or not is significantly more determined by his character & development than his "biological disposition" lmao; that line of reasoning is something like a redpill YouTuber would use to justify their misogynistic and selfish desires (aka: Fresh & Fit podcast)
  • LMAOOOOOO at "Soon, I'll be a fully aged woman with an elderly body" with " We're in our early twenties"; unless you completely void your health and aesthetics/beauty, you will have YEARRRS before being anything close to some old brittle hag. 

@Spritual Warrior wrote some good points above but something I'd like to emphasize: "Things change as you grow older, priorities change, and looks are not as important", ~~ in other words, another way to view the matter, your bf wouldn't be as full of testosterone & cvm leading him to be "more domesticated & tame" rather than trying to smash every piece of booty he can find; which would correlate and align with what I said in my first point

 

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Posted (edited)

From the meta-perspective, life is based on duality and separation. If you are in a happy relationship, expect it to either end abruptly (unexpected death, cheating, etc.) or slowly deteriorate, just like everything else here. It will hurt a lot. That's why the only true relationship that will not hurt you and always love you is your relationship with God.

Edited by CoolDreamThanks

T-20.IV.8:1-8 You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.

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Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

From the meta-perspective, life is based on duality and separation. If you are in a happy relationship, expect it to either end abruptly (unexpected death, cheating, etc.) or slowly deteriorate, just like everything else here. It will hurt a lot. That's why the only true relationship that will not hurt you and always love you is your relationship with God.

Yes, you're right, at the human level everything is impermanent,  but I find this to be a nihilistic viewpoint and it doesn't have to be. It is completely possible to continue loving another being while also understanding that you are not right for each other at this time. In this situation, yes the relationship dies, but the love that the two of you share remains. 

Edited by Spiritual Warrior

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17 minutes ago, Spiritual Warrior said:

Yes, you're right, at the human level everything is impermanent,  but I find this to be a nihilistic viewpoint and it doesn't have to be. It is completely possible to continue loving another being while also understanding that you are not right for each other at this time. In this situation, yes the relationship dies, but the love that the two of you share remains. 

Sounds too optimistic.  

There is no true love in human relationships.  
Ego is unable to love.  when you think you love someone, it’s just a chemical reaction that compells animals to breed. 

It seems to temporarily fulfill, but relationships only put a bandage on a deep, constantly bleeding wound you have in your mind when you identify yourself with body and mind. 

The seperation in couples is, in practice, almost always painful. Extremely so.


T-20.IV.8:1-8 You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.

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1 hour ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

Sounds too optimistic.  

There is no true love in human relationships.  
Ego is unable to love.  when you think you love someone, it’s just a chemical reaction that compells animals to breed. 

It seems to temporarily fulfill, but relationships only put a bandage on a deep, constantly bleeding wound you have in your mind when you identify yourself with body and mind. 

The seperation in couples is, in practice, almost always painful. Extremely so.

You may be more developed than I am which is causing what you're saying to go over my head. 

However, what I feel for my partner, for my job, for my family and friends is none other than love.

Sharing love with a person or for a career or even for a hobby is one of the most fulfilling things that a human being can experience. 

It sounds like you're in another realm in terms of your spiritual journey. For me personally, I'm very much in the human / ego realm right now and enjoying myself down here. 

Maybe I'll come back to this thread in 20 years and realize that you were right all along. ;)

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Posted (edited)

35 minutes ago, Spiritual Warrior said:

You may be more developed than I am which is causing what you're saying to go over my head. 

However, what I feel for my partner, for my job, for my family and friends is none other than love.

Sharing love with a person or for a career or even for a hobby is one of the most fulfilling things that a human being can experience. 

It sounds like you're in another realm in terms of your spiritual journey. For me personally, I'm very much in the human / ego realm right now and enjoying myself down here. 

Maybe I'll come back to this thread in 20 years and realize that you were right all along. ;)

What you are describing is what I call mind excitement. The human mind is happy with how things are going, he feels fullfilled ant connected to those around him. He is content. 
 
The happiness of the world only appears as happiness because it is contrasted with very bad experiences. In truth, it’s either a good or a bad or a very bad/traumatic dream. 
 

 While Heaven is Infinite, Perfect, Eternal, Abstract Love.  
 

I am rambling. And I might he mistaken. Maybe not. Hehe. Good day, Sir.

Edited by CoolDreamThanks

T-20.IV.8:1-8 You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.

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Also, it’s interesting how your posts contain Truth and you see it in me, but you feel like it’s not the right time to be immersed in this. All is well in your world and that is perfect, it’s a part of the journey that is already finished. You are simply mentally reviewing what has already happened. You see only the past. God has corrected this dream of separation into Love, it just takes time to unwind the egoic mind. 


T-20.IV.8:1-8 You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.

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It's useless rumination, you play the persona of "the poor women who will be cheated because of his older body blahblahblah..."

Btw you have only 22 years old, 22 yo and you're already invoking a stress what you "must" only have at least 20 years later.

 


The devil is in the details.

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Posted (edited)

You have too much time to ruminate, that's the problem.
Work, have a meaningful life plan and this little self-destructive game will tend to stop.

Edited by Schizophonia

The devil is in the details.

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Dont listen to @Schizophonia 

his name checks out.  
he projects I think 

 

you are doing good! Just try to get closer to spirituality to have something stable to rely on.


T-20.IV.8:1-8 You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.

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2 minutes ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

Dont listen to @Schizophonia 

his name checks out.  
he projects I think 

 

you are doing good! Just try to get closer to spirituality to have something stable to rely on.

This is what everyone pulls out of their hat as if it were a valid argument in itself lol.
Now let's not be afraid of words.

-Either she is simply too stupid to be able to reason and be led to the various obvious conclusions, that is to say that there are plenty of men if not the majority who like mature women, or in all cases who are not going to cheat on their partner by growing old just for that etc.
Generally, everyone here suffers from advanced mental retardation and random behavior, and Schizophonia can only clumsily "project" itself here and there.

-Either, she creates a character (victim in this case) to give herself importance, reinforce her ego in a clumsy way. And so, she carefully chooses the representations that allow her to create that. 

Since OP seems intelligent, the second solution seems obvious to me.:ph34r:


The devil is in the details.

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17 hours ago, LambChop said:

 

little too much evidence for a personal anxiety to be labeled as nothing more than an irrational thought.

THIS PLANET IS PERFECT AND YOU WILL HAVE PROOF OF ALL POSSIBLE BELIEFS.

I CAN PERSUADE YOU THAT THE MAJORITY OF MEN CERTAINLY PREFER OLDER WOMEN, I CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING.
LOOK.

BUT ULTIMATELY, YOU KNOW NOTHING, YOU HAVE NO SERIOUS PROOF OF ANYTHING AT A CERTAIN LEVEL, AND ULTIMATELY YOU ARE ALONE WITH YOUR CHARACTERS, YOUR MASKS.


The devil is in the details.

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1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

THIS PLANET IS PERFECT AND YOU WILL HAVE PROOF OF ALL POSSIBLE BELIEFS.

I CAN PERSUADE YOU THAT THE MAJORITY OF MEN CERTAINLY PREFER OLDER WOMEN, I CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING.
LOOK.

BUT ULTIMATELY, YOU KNOW NOTHING, YOU HAVE NO SERIOUS PROOF OF ANYTHING AT A CERTAIN LEVEL, AND ULTIMATELY YOU ARE ALONE WITH YOUR CHARACTERS, YOUR MASKS.

Be careful of commenting in ALL caps. It's been known to be a reason for warnings. Some caps is fine, I guess, but not all. Looks like shouting.


One Love....

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1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Either she is simply too stupid to be able to reason

It is stupid to call someone who is not at an appropriate age to decipher maturely, circumstances that are for the mature, stupid.


One Love....

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Posted (edited)

@LambChop If all goes well, you will hopefully age out of feeling this way without needing to do much.

20 hours ago, LambChop said:

 with every menstrual cycle i lose another egg, and with every year that passes i start to ebb away from being at a "hot" age. Soon, I'll be a fully aged woman with an elderly body-- nothing any man would want. My belly will probably bear stretch marks from having carried children, and I'll look wrinkly and my boobs will hit the floor. Will he even want me in that state? Will I have no choice but to cuck myself just so he's happy? The thought of it makes me feel sick, but I've never met a man whose into women over 45... IT IS SO OVER FOR ME. :(

Don't let the societal narrative brainwash you!

Quote

When my mother was in her fifties I found out that my dad was cheating on her with a younger woman, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. My mother had been nothing but supportive to him for over 25 years at that point. He lives on her paycheck, she agrees with literally everything he says, she cooks him dinner every other night, she visits his family more often than her own, she even gave him more attention than to her own children, and he still cheated because she grew old and conventionally unattractive. Her opinion on all this? "sigh...Men..."

Well, let's be real. Was your dad ever a great partner to your mom before she got "old and conventionally unattractive"?  I seriously doubt it.

TBH, being this pliant and accommodating rarely works out well for the woman, despite men often saying this is what they want.... look at their actions, they tend to get bored and take them for granted. On some level, the lack of self-respect is repelling to people regardless of gender, age, or background unless they're a leech. Being a doormat is for being used, not being loved, unfortunately.

Edited by eos_nyxia

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Posted (edited)

Quote

I have talked to my boyfriend about this multiple times, and he swears that he'll remain loyal no matter how long we have remained together. But does he really know that? We're in our early twenties. We've only been together 5 years. We don't know shit.

I had some version of the same anxiety when I was younger, though I tried not to ruminate on it too much. I simply could not trust anyone at a deeper level, which I think was the root of it all. I also got some anxiety from my mom, not about my dad, but her bio dad was a deadbeat.

I'm 35; I met my husband when I was 16. He's only grown so much more into me over time, his interest in me has never wavered, and TBH I get even more other attention now than I did when I was younger as well.

 

If there's anything that will "save" you IMO, it's:

1) Are you capable of truly trusting and leaning into that trust?

2) Is the man you're with worthy of your trust, character-wise? And are you capable of seeing him for what he is and what he does with open eyes, rather than through the eyes of your fears, anxieties, and idealistic hopes (or lack thereof), regardless of your feelings for him?

With 2), you'll see and sense disinterest and dishonesty miles ahead before anything like cheating would occur, IMO. People usually leave their tells everywhere through their actions, or they will literally tell you who and what they are to your face. So even if you can't trust other people, not yet, you can at least reasonably trust in yourself.

Edited by eos_nyxia

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