Everyday

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About Everyday

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  • Birthday 01/01/1868

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  1. volunteered for a week, finally. i went to get some basic skills, have a nice reference for my CV and to push myself out of my comfort zone. i got far more than i expected. i met people i had no idea existed. amazing people. i was so inspired. so many ideas and alternatives lifestyles, off the grid from the established paths. it influenced me deeply in ways i cant comprehend yet. i made plans for the upcoming years based on the ideas and inspiration i got from them. i learned more in a week then i learned at school in 2 months. jesus. a lot of emotional extremes. beautiful moments were i was in the present moment and couldn't believe i was alive. i realised how much time i spent at home thinking about college drama and ``sweating the little things`` -before that week i wasn't aware of all this mental energy wasted. i understood the value of self-education. i am reading a practical book now related to my passion, and i am blown away hoe much knx i get out of it at each turn of a page. i struggle with ocd superstitions, self-punishing, feeling so much guilt, anxiety, trying to be ok with not fitting in, to deal with my resistance to do my assignments, not overeat or distract myself with tv shows when feeling bad. in some areas of my life i feel stuck, in others i feel amazing. i am over occupying my time. i am looking forward for a workshop and a meditation at a Buddhist Meditation school soon. i struggle to live my life in the present -not pleased with my thoughts and regrets. i seek refuge in future plans and my past. hope you doing better
  2. no actualizedorg forum usage since my last post over a month ago. i felt resistant to use it. but now, after looking around on the forum i remembered how stressed i felt reading about so many topics, feeling that i am not doing enough. which would in turn, make me do actually nothing, because i wanted to jump 10 steps ahead in a absurdly short time. i will just read my goals and then search specific information about it.
  3. oh boy. i havent felt like writing about my journey for so many weeks. it just seemed pointless but i want to share my experience with you., hopefully you'll learn something. i feel good to be back here big changes i have made: joined a meditation group. best decision ever. 1st time i was there i just thought that i am superior over them because i have a different approach to self actualisation due to this community. i judged them because they don take such a serious approach to this work, as leo does. anyhow, it was awesome as fuck! i was pretty unsure and insecure to join at first and then to go again and again but it was worth it to push myself. at the end of every session i felt amazing! full of energy, acceptance and presence. all the college drama i was preoccupied with seemed irrelevant. of course i dont expect to feel amazing every time but you got the point. i feel accepted and understood there. it so nice to talk about meditation with fellow practitioners. got a swimming subscription. finally. this is sooo huge for me. i like so much to swim. i felt insecure being there clueless and lost at first but i asked people for help and suff and now i feel like a regular there. doing these activities makes me to feel grounded, focused on myself rather then on college drama bought a bike. i thought that i am not good enough to ride a bike in Netherlands. well i am now. it was pretty hard first weeks, but i leaned more and more beyond my comfort zone, cycling to certain places and routes or on traffic which seemed impossible i joined a student association. again i thought that i am not good or competent enough to be a part of it. moreover, i took an active position in it, a certain role that makes me involved and constantly puts me on the age of my comfort zone. lol i even thought of quitting and returning a few years later perfect and foolproof. lol. at first i thought that the members aren't cool enough but they are nice people and actually rad people. i learned so much from them since almost all of them are upperclassmen. i even thought that being a part of it will affect my social position in school. lol. i get more growth by being a part of it then an observer and a ``too cool for this`` dude i started taking some dutch language beginner classes i recently started waking up at 5:30. it`s hard but i am so mesmerised by the amount of work i get done restored shamanic breathing. 2,15 minutes once a week. it gets easier to do it every single time. a few months ago i thought that if i cant do it 30m its pointless. but i am getting there step by step. i went out to a bar alone. i cant describe into words how much anxiety i felt. it was ridiculous. i was awkward and lost but at the end of the night i felt sooo proud of myself. man. that is the ultimate confidence challenge. that fear of being labelled as weird by the ``cool kids``. ill do it again. i actually enjoyed myself more then going out with people i don`t like and bore my just to say that i went out with them and to rise my social status. when i go out with such people all i think is that i am not enough, not something lol . its irrelevant and i am beginning to see it better and better every day. even if i went with them out i still find them boring and they still dont like me. but is still hard to actually not care about my social status. i am making small steps, small decision after decision but i feel that i am getting somewhere. i don`t enjoy getting high and drunk. its to much and too boring for me. but its hard to say no every time still i started writing down my goals in a notebook every morning. i like doing it. it makes me feel motivated and making choices over the course of a day seems easier. made a schedule, i havent done one in such a long time. and i am actually sticking to eat pretty good cooking for myself more frequently than ever focusing more on the people that genuinely like me as a friend rather then running around the people that dont like me as i did in high school. its so hard to accept it. so hard to not take it personally and get triggered by it. so hard to not feel hurt, not good enough, that there is smth wrong with me. so hard to be detached. i want to fit in so bad, in a subconscious relentless way. anyways, i dont like them either so yeah. i just want approval for my vulnerable self image. i am making progress in that regard nonetheless taking cold showers. i kept taking them since mid/end of august. got a membership on a volunteer site. i want to volunteer this autumn, spring break and summer. started conversations with dozens of people during first week even though i didn't always feel like doing it. albeit i spoke with so many people almost no one talks with me now. did i came across to needy? almost all of them avoid me now. i have no clue why but i am focusing on my few friends and not striving for their approval. even though it ebded up like this i am proud that i did it and the growth i got from it and i realised that i enjoyed more having shallow conversations for a few days than actually being friends with them. just being ok with being alone during breaks and such. many its an advantage and opportunity in disguise struggles: studying, making a schedule, doing my homework focusing on my personal agenda rather then on my social status,FOMA and looking cool accepting that some people just dont like me and thats nothing wrong with it. to abstain overeating and overeating a lot of fast food and unhealthy products when feeling overwhelmed last month in a nutshell: struggling to draw the line between long term benefits and short term gratification fitting in vs personal agenda pushing myself beyond so many self imposed boundaries. unbelievable. feeling home here, in nl, feeling that i belong in a country for the first time of my life. i never felt comfortable, relaxed and that i am on the right place, not even as a child. i always wanted to live somewhere else than my toxic country. i cant believe that i felt ashamed in the past for not loving my county and not feeling right. dealing with a new set of challanges distinguishing between what i want to do and what i think that i should do. making too many changes too fast. how would i have done this moth given the current knx i have? regrets? stressing and overthinking too much. i wish i just blocked or distracted myself from college drama once at home instead of taking it so seriously. being in the present moment more instead of just thinking so much about irrelevant topics. these college distractions seem so real but when i look back one month its the opposite not giving into overeating when stressed, thus reinforcing this habit in a new environment. doing my assignments right away. same for errands. i hope you had a great time too. have a nice night man
  4. i feel home in this city. it makes me so angry for being so ashamed and anxious of my english skills for years and years , back home. here, around other dutch and international students no one is speaking perfect english. there is no one to criticise or ridicule you for your english level. its so fucked up that in my shity E European country it was/is such a shame to not know english. i mean that people, teachers, friends and colleagues laughed/ridiculed me for my english skills. like it was the end of the world to pronunce an english brand wrongly. the teacher was rolling her eyes for not riding every word fast and correct; my friends made fun of my beginner english skills.wtf? how was i supposed to learn english without practicing? no one here, not even the dutch students or other dutch people speak perfect english. but in my restarted poor country its a shame to not know english perfectly. lol. unbelievable
  5. Backstory: 1st year Meditation group weekly 5m+ Visualization my goals College hacks Socialisation not obsessing over my social status fallowing my own agenda Normal sleeping schedule Productivity/studying/how o install good habits/goal setting/scheduling/personal finances videos/books Cook healthy meals Cycling, swimming, kinetic exercises improve english speaking/grammar skills Dutch b1 End of 1st year, summer --- vipassana retreat , wwoof farm Pick up ? Confidence book/course/hypnosis Driving license Lp course (2nd semester once 1h every week)? 2nd year paleo diet/massive diet change Hatha yoga Normal sleeping schedule Bjj network Dutch b2 ; english pickup Affirmation/self hypnosis Part time job Katie Byron book 2nd year summer ---vipassana, travel solo?, internship LP course Driving Confidence course/book Build personal blog 3rd year Part time job, internship/volunteer, yoga retreat, travel solo Reiki/kriya Normal sleeping schedule Mindfulness meditation Exchange student 1 semester, than volunteer nlp techniques implementation Gremlin Dutch c1; fill gaps english skills Build personal blog Writing book Speed reading 4th year Shadow work Kriya yoga Dutch c2 ; english Part time job, retreat, travel solo, volunteer/internship
  6. the ``spicy mint`` above i have kept over the winter. it was so small. it`s a cutting from a mint i had for 2-3 years. t was unproductive anyways. not like the new one. that`s what happens when you don't ``train`` those veins. like i did last summer you have to constantly re-arrange them in the way you want to grow. yay! more flowers mint&parsley from the tray bell pepper plant. i have it for over a year now. in the winter it made some small bell peppers. one of them look literally like a small yellowish butt lol lol i put fertilizers bars in the arugula pots. the one below seems dead now. well, that`s how you learn fertilizer bar https://raminnazer.com/collections/prints/products/youth https://raminnazer.com/#art
  7. fried vegetables&chicken (half of a batch of cauliflower, 1 broccoli, a quarter of zucchini, 2 carrots, 1 parsnip,1 bell pepper + flax&hemp seeds at the end; because in the pan the seeds are wasted and burned on the bottom of the pan as Ive observed so far) she taught me also to make a chicken soup with extra vegetables *suggestion: use dried mushrooms in any of he recipes above lentils recipe: https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-lentils-on-the-stove-116321 fried vegetables: broccoli,mix of mushrooms, steamed beetroot,pink salt ,zucchini,bell paper, sunflower+olive oils and some seeds at the end sesame,hemp,flax Quinoa with parsley and curry + fried vegetables: 1 bell pepper, 1 big-ass tomato, shimeji and Enoki Mushrooms. this was the first time i tried these mushrooms. i was resistant at first. but its tasteful and pushing out of my comfort zone payed off. rice&chicken&vegetables that`s almost everything i wanted to learn to cook before leaving. i wanted to learn to cook couscous too but the recipes above are a good start anyways. yesterday i crossed all these recipes off my to-do list from Habitica. finally. i wont starve at college - i have no idea why people keep saying that at college you will eat only bread,potatoes and ramen soup. the grains above are ridiculously cheap! and you can buy frozen veggies to cook even cheaper!
  8. 20 8 2018, dinsdag/tuesday i feel a plethora of neg feelings i feel worried, self doubt , stressed and excited. my home baggage its done . i think ill be the only one who actually took the time to over-prepare for college by reading posts,watching videos etc. i trimmed a part of my beard very short by mistake and bc i wasn't thinking actively about the action of doing it . than was like: hmm i better shave it. than i felt comically insecure and worried that i wont be as attractive for the opposite sex till my beard grows back. lol. like i would actually do smth .... ha-ha-ha yesterday i thought about what my sophomore year elf would think of my current ``problems``. it was interesting. i realized that the only things that will matter after one year is to: maintain self-actualization habits, develop study habits,socializing,joining meditation group, improving English ,cooking for myself, etc. but i to return to that inexplicable calm attitude i got before the final exams in high school. i just accept the challenge itself and just detach from it. now, i am excited , although worried from time to time. i feel excited that ill have to cook for myself, to do the laundry and taking walks in parks alone that`s a really good article on freshmen advice :https://www.savethestudent.org/extra-guides/freshers/30-mistakes-every-first-year-will-make.html. it`s interesting how all the college advice i gathered so far boils down to a few things: join a club/start hobby exercise,eat well,sleep well socializing, introducing yourself to people studying , study programme organizational skills financial skills go to professor`s office hours volunteer/internship/part-time job go to class, do homework early get out of your room. don't be a Godzilla in its cave writing these posts takes time and i want to do them right. plus for some reason thinking that i have to write them stresses me even more. ill take a short break starting from Thursday 23th. i will start a new thread and report my experiences in 2-3 weeks(or sooner). i am excited to start my COLLEGE JOURNAL. i have been waiting this for months .
  9. 11 8 2018
  10. 12 8 2018 swimming after 8 years I felt anxious on the way to the beach, expecting some of my sibling's friends or my siblings to pick on me just like my father did I was in my mind at first so i didn't enjoy the sun, water or the beach. When i got out from the water i kept feeling bad seeing so many hot girls in bikini (and i felt like this even before). also i compared the cold water of the sea with the action of taking cold showers -you just do it. But than i was there just watching the sea. I was in the present. Being in the present moment wasn't like i expected. It's a struggle not a lever you push, and you are in the present instantly Than i enjoyed more swimming and just being there. But I still felt from time to time (normally) worried, anxious, envious, needy, frustrated cuz i wasn't hitting on hot girls. latterly i thought of busting my nut but i resisted. i have had tremendous urges to fap in the last month but i resisted. no fap it`s still going strong after the second experience i just let things go, i felt less negative feelings because i felt happy swimming and taking bath showers so I was less stuck in my head. Just focus your attention on the warmth of the sand, the sun, the endless sight of water, etc. Also it helped that i just pushed myself further by doing other activities in hindsight, I could have eaten healthier if i wanted to. I could have bought at least 2 smoothies instead of a stake at a restaurant . Plus i could have brought some healthy foods from home like nuts or dried fruits. Also, i could have even brought some cooked lentils and stored them in the fridge. I could have got some groceries from a market on my way from the train station beforehand. I felt the most anxiety and neg feelings about conflict moments /standing up for myself in front of some ethnic group in my country who is pretty much oriented to trickery,theft,intimidation,beatings,public inadequacy,beatings,etc . i am afraid of them,but at the root cause i am afraid of getting in conflict with them or with other people in general. i contemplated the ``why`` of this problem many times: it appears that i am afraid of getting beaten; to feel powerless&weak; to have my father calling me weak for getting myself beaten or that i got fooled by some person(both happen in my childhood). Also i felt lots of anxiety regarding insecurity about the way i looked, that i am not a cool dude who has cool friends who can feel confident and not caring what others think and can have fun. i watched these thoughts with awareness whilst i kept looking around saying to myself that i am not that or this, i am not enough ,i am not ........ something, i am too like that or this I flirted with more than 2 girls . One of them was 30+ . Lol . Obviously I did nothing . But I flirted!~ its smth. Its interesting how I don’t want just to flirt as best as I can aka awkwardly bc I don’t want to loose the girl lol . i managed a tense/conflict moment(yay) and a girl saw that and i think she got impressed.The second girl I flirted was on a bus . baby steps . i am deeply ashamed and worried writing about this attempts of mine of pickup / baby steps in pickup. for over a month approximatively i kept flirting with random girls outdoors but i didn't mentioned this here because i don't want to be called a pussy for not actually taking massive action. i don't want someone to tell me what i already know i should be doing . i had some insights about myself and pickup but ill talk about them when ill start pickup. one day.... i think my problem is that i don't know the theory . ill just keep taking baby steps i resisted at first, i told myself that i pushed my comfort zone enough for 1 day. i went clubbing with them although i felt like i should cross this self imposed boundary in NL, my myself, safe and away from judgment from the people that know me. i am ashamed of dancing although i want to dance. anyways, i convinced myself that ill get some experience from this , i can flirt there + i can leave if i wanted to. I danced there. No body said nothing. I copied my moves from a dude who really felt the music, at first till i surrendered to the present moment and l let myself enjoy the music and express it through my body. I was self conscious of my moves but i just tried to feel the music and dance anyways. one of my sibling`s friends made fun of my dance moves. I felt ashamed but i told myself that he must be insecure like me, and picks on people just to bust his self esteem. I didn't take myself to seriously. No body cared. i felt safe in the darkness of the club, i always feel safe in the dark. I chose a spot near the stage and started dancing. I FELT THE MUSIC BOY .it was a wonderful moment, dancing with the crowd in the dark. amazing . from time to time i would remember that i am with them and than all my dancing looked forced and i felt insecurity increasing than i would just focus on the music and so on. Definitely looking forward for more. Update:15 aug 2018--- my sibling told my mother and me again - that I danced at that edm party. I felt ashamed but I reminded how important was for me and how nobody cares. 13 8 2018 day 2, visited a resort i used to go to all the time when younger insights: My parents weren't doing anything fun when i was a child. all we were doing was to watch TV. Therefore i might have developed anxiety and embarrassment regarding dancing,sports, doing fun activities like cycling, beach&board games etc. Hammy interesting. Moreover , he made fun of anyone who was any extracurricular activity . Be it a hobby,chess,volunteering,playing,singing,cycling,running,gym,creative hobbies, partying, fun activities etc. He was too insecure (still is) to go out there and therefore labeled everyone as inferior and weird to protect his ego. lol. i haven't joined any sport or club in school so far (except in preschool, but i was pushed my them to do so). i just felt weird and ashamed to be there. he fucked up my life, but now it`s my duty to grow it like a flower as i please Also i remembered many of his anger outbursts he had(still does) . nowadays, if i do smth he might label as wrong i immediately start feeling tremendous spikes of neg feelings such as fear and self-doubt. i feel afraid of being criticized,called names,threatened and screamed at by him like he often did, growing up. maybe, thats how i developed my difficulties of dealing with conflict. i wasn't allowed to stand up for myself . it`s funny in a twisted way how a little insecure beer-belly middle aged man can do to a child. lol imagine a man screaming at a child from the lenses of a personal development enthusiast . he would just see a sad unhappy & unhealthy man with many unresolved wounds screaming at a child not a financially successful man. lol 12 8 2018 swimming after 8 years
  11. 6 august 2018 i spread some dried grass from my loan around the plants to keep humidity and to encourage worms to shelter beside it(worm poop=organic fertilizer) above i tried to dry some soil from my garden. i dried up like this. just boulders and dirt. i thought that i will look like the soil i bought from stores. but apparently that soil is combined with different ingredients and quality soil from the mountains. my garden soil it`s supposed to look like this. interesting! because these morning glories where planted to late they didn't have enough light to grow even though i lain an aluminum foil on the ground(which helped because before that their growth was insignificant ) parsley, after a few times of being sprayed with essential oils. it used to be full of gnats and damaged leafs i finally sprayed my plants(before going to the beach) with an essential oils mix after weeks of resistance these 2 tomato plants that survived in that tray that mint plant used to be a cutting i took from the mother plant. yap. look at it now! they grow so fast! i arranged those old electrical wires by myself. they used to stay in some shady corner of the backyard. i still have a few wires but there is no point in stetting them if ill be leaving in a few weeks. i feel sad to leave my plants, probably more than about leaving my family .lol. those motherfuckers leaf curls aphids re-appeared. it haven't rained in a while. i just felt like i dont know what to do so i procrastinated to treat this problem the plants above are the morning glories leftovers from the growing tray. i felt bad to throw them away thats my favorite@! i buried a root in a pot . i will cut it soon,separating it from the mother mint and ill have a new independent mint plant ! here is my 2nd or 3rd experiment of making hay. 1st time i just lay it on the ground and rooted. 2nd & 3rd time i put it here, safe from wind&rain. it worked, although the 3rd time i put too much and it took way too long to dry up . that`s a PVC pipe i found unused and unwanted in my tool-shed. i made some wholes with a knife and set it in the soil for drainage. i hope the morning glory`s roots grew around the pipe
  12. tomorrow ill go to swim after a 7-8 years break due to body insecurities lol i cant wait to get away from my father`s insecurities and short temper . i begun taking medium-warm showers than i switch to freezing cold showers. i feel good. a few months ago i thought i cant do it. i bought a few worms from a fishing shop because in my country organic farming is non-existent therefore no-organic shops. i buried them together with some spoiled vegetables i dealt with a conflict today. it wasn't perfect but i stood up for myself like never before. it`s just a +1 experience. i had mu standards too high. i don't need to make a 360 degrees shift just a lil one every time. it`s so obvious now i`ll attend to a meditation group, an Expat meet-up and another event in the city ill be studying. i feel worried,excited and self-doubt. i am insecure about my English skills. i will start college soon.