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  1. My work ethic is so bad now because i don't have any fixed work like uni or work daily. I forgot i react with laziness to this lifestyle. Exactly like i did 2 year ago. But i guess the only thing i can set in place now is krav maga classes. I can raise to 4 classes per week and leverage my routine around it. Nobody respects the lockdown in my country. We are going to become like Italy. This quarantine will extend to June. Had an online meeting with both internship mentors. I felt inspired to work again. I want to spend a few hours regularly improving social media skills. My father is yelling like usually. I am responding back. All is good. He is taking it down in front of adversity. Interesting. If the year frizzes, i will have time to get an internship at a social media company. I really want to do this now, even if i have other goals atm. I observed that i am not very fond of fruits for some time now. I just cant eat them. Too sugary. I only want to eat veggies and meat. Sleep schedule is shit. But at least my 23:00 - 2:00, is a time well is spent. I started doing kegel exercises for PE since Wednesday. I will do this for two weeks. Noticed that she is more like my father. Which is not good in my opinion. She is into arguing and being right. I assume this will be a problem aside of the opportunity of arguing practice. I am worried i am getting into an abusive relationship but i don't know it. If that's the case i will gtfo. Not looking to be miserable again or anything. The other night i spoke about something that happened in my lab at uni. I involved a fellow colleague, a 37 year old woman and a perv 60 year old professor. She got mad that i said he doesn't like me because i am friends with this woman. She got jealous af even if this happened at the beginning of the year. Next day i told her we can speak about it if she got upset. We agreed to speak about our problems rather than acting like our parents. She made it all seem is my fault that i am overreacting. She said she would have told me if she actually had a problem. I got upset, like a child and was amazed to watch my behaviour. All i wanted to do was to take revenge on her for the way i reacted. Man, i am so underdeveloped in this area is insane. It wasn't even a big thing anyways.
  2. BTW i started a new batch. I water them deeply with a spray bottle every other day. Even some of the old seedlings recovered. Thanks for the tip. I will share pics. Thanks. Idk. I will try this approach every time i get triggered. Why not? I will let you know about my results.
  3. I don’t feel ok. I looked at my old pc keyboard and recalled years of tv series, movies, searching for sites and archiving solutions for my problems. I used this time to oversensationalize how my first relationship would be, to make it the solution of all my problems. I used this time to delude myself into the amazing life I will have in the future, but with no hard work in the present; year after year. Like the beginning of the year, when I got into dealing with bulling and conflict I got mad for months. All the suppressed memories are/ came back to deal with them now. It was hard to study for uni and to keep myself sane each day for months. I got lost every day into rage and regret. So many scenarios. Like I predicted, same thing happens now, as I am evolving with this relationship. Memories & buried emotions just started to arise. All the years of hesitation, frustration, envy and regret are coming back from the black box, for me to deal with them. I just had a few tears. I think this wave will hit my harder than the conflict one did.
  4. Done. Did pretty much nothing else. Just in bed. Oof. I will do krav online 3 times a week now- I payed today. If i can manage this for 2-3 weeks i will raise to 4 times. '' I have to top myself ''
  5. Hey I need to re-think my schedule. I am wasting too much time every day. I will write more later. I am waiting to call her now. Lol she and her bro got in trouble. Update: I made a schedule and i am going to see how it goes. I lay in bed every day until noon because i am tired after speaking on the phone with her each night. I will take care of my seedlings until noon as well as start a project i need to prepare for uni. There are rumours of frizzing the year at uni. The administration told us to keep taking online classes and to do all labs. Lol, what online classes? Is Friday tomorrow and we still didn't get our PDF courses for this week. Our professors are incompetent. The release of the Erasmus list of students who got accepted is delayed for an unknown period of time. I guess mid April? We'll see. I am confident i will get in.
  6. Well, i used a spray bottle and later a syringe. Thank you for your advice. I will put another batch. That's exactly the problem- the soil underneath is dry af. I will ask you more in private about the gardening show- awesome! Yeah, this is new to me. I guess is a good thing. I tired before and it leads to nowhere. that's why i was an asshole with her this time. I got tired of ignoring it or trying to reason with her. I will just ignore her in these situations. Is just that i see she's unhappy but is unable to break out of it. Is futile to help her.
  7. Got them online. Last year i wanted to buy him more stuff but i used the money on junk food to manage my stress. I bought him more to make up for last year. My aim is to study 1.30h a day. But lately, i let school work pile up and wanted to go through all of it in 2 days. Yesterday i studied for 3 hours but by the end i crushed. I couldn't focus properly, and without having a clear time goal i just felt guilty for not doing more. Is a cycle of stress and misery- exactly what happened in NL. I felt so drained that i had to force myself to do little things here and there. I speak with her every night. I enjoy it. I worry that she will get tired of me sooner or later but she thinks the same. We are making clear plans for the future and increasing intimacy and feeling more relaxed around each other each day so is pretty good. I estimate we'll see each other face to face at the beginning of May. This habit of worrying of rejection has been reinforced for years and years. I believe that having high and unrealistic expectations is a form of protecting my weak self esteem. I cant stand my mom lately. Since two weeks after I met her. She disgusts me with her miserable marriage and life. To even give me advice. Like I got in an argument with my father and my mom almost rolled her eyes at me. After my father left she spoke very slow that I shut rather shut up than standing up for myself and trying to reason with him. She says i should do what she does: I should shut up and learn to not get affected by his insults and words. Lol. I got so upset - wtf are you telling me? That’s where this behaviour led you. Than she bragged how she is making progress in handling my father's insults on a daily basic. Like is some kind of improvement. I cant comprehend how she came to be like this.
  8. I am even better. But still have indigestion and seldomly cough. She encouraged me to ask my family for a few days off work. This will solve this cold hopefully but i feel like an asshole for them doing my shifts. Studied finally more today. I am behind schedule. I emailed a professor to ask clarification regarding what we actually have to study. Is harder now, because i am just feeling butterflies and thinking of her often. I just lay in bed like a potato. I kept speaking with her each night. I observe my behaviour with judgment. I think that i need to be very good at this without putting the work in. Is unrealistic. My professors didn't manage even one online class after a week in quarantine. Some of them literally just scanned pages from their books and sent them to us with lazy notes at the bottom withw what they actually want from us to study. How lazy can you be? I have to buy a present for my father but everything is closed now. Cooked some roasted veggies but they taste horrible because of the sesame oil. The soil of my seedlings is still drying. Oof. I water them i dont know what's the problem.
  9. Yesterday, when i was coughing i felt like puking. I also had indigestion. Today i feel better.
  10. We spoke each night since then. Last night we spoke until 6am. The conversation flowed. I enjoyed it. Lots of teasing. Due to this quarantine we had to speak on the phone more than actually seeing each other so some very interesting and deep conversations resulted. It seems we get closer each time we speak. I feel her loosening up. We spoke more of us as a relationship. I was glad. I am still anxious of ruining everything but i am more transitioning to a state of whatever happens i don't care. I advanced over my initial goal of just asking her out - what i make to happen from now on is just bonus. Her last boyfriend fractured her rib just last January after breaking up 2 years ago. Lol. I thought - what if i get in conflict with this guy? I avoid standing up against another dude for a girl like the plague. But i remembered that if this happens i will just move on and do it better next time. All i want is experience.
  11. I am coughing again, much worse than before. My whole family expect mom does. I don't have fever. Three cases of corona have been announced in the apartment complex next to our business.
  12. Finally submitted my folder today. I told to the Erasmus office that neither the responsible of Erasmus for my faculty or secretaries replayed to me. She contacted this professor; he replayed very upset. He is the one who calls us dumb for not applying for this programme, yet he isn't willing to help me to do just that. I assume he replayed only because his reputation was on the line. Just said thanks and shut up. Is not in my advantage to try to reason with him. She asked me on Tuesday night how am I. I was so happy and couldn't resist not smiling. I reacted like a child. It was so sweet to observe myself acting like this. I read again the last message i sent her: i will speak with you when you get back (after the quarantine, 2 weeks). Which made sense why she would think i don't want to speak with her in this time. Anyways, ignored her messaged like she did. Until Wednesday night when she asked my help with the online krav maga class scheduled. I replayed to her and she asked me again how am i. I avoided to answer and dealt strictly with the problem she had. The online class started before i responded. After, i asked her if she wants to make a video call. We spoke for three hours. It was nice. I got new glimpses about my true nature. It seems i am interested in her, as a new person in my life but in the back of my head i don't really care about her life. I am still trying to understand this. She told me found upsetting that i have no info about me on facebook. I told her how much i dislike to think that strangers would judge my life and i wouldn't even know. And she was intrigued about me because she didn't really knew much about me from online. Interesting. Me, in return just stalked the shit out of her profile last week ahahha.
  13. The driving school is in quarantine for two weeks! Lol just when i almost had my first driving lesson. I started to learn the signs and laws via an app. I am still used to studying after 20:00. My shift was in the morning today, so i spent the rest of the day just sitting in bed, eating, watching Contagion (2011) and thinking of her. I am very bored. I am drinking too much to deal with my emotions. I want to feel numb more and more. Nobody is answering at university. I have no idea if we still have time for submission or not. The erasmus office said the submission schedule is the same but the people i have to contact aren't answering my emails and calls. My seedlings arent doing great either.
  14. The lesson was shorter with one hour and a half because of the virus. I did groceries and noticed that there is no shortage of fruits and veggies. My relationship with my mom has worsen since last Monday. I cant stand her anymore. The more i develop myself the more i realize that i am not a nice person. The way i am now is just fake, a way to mask my true self. I am not a good person deep inside. But i cant behave like i really am because of fear and other insecurities. We were supposed to do some lessons online but my old professors from uni are incapable to do it lol.