• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Everyday

  • Rank
    - - -

Personal Information

  • Gender
  1. From Saturday with the right mood i wrote this: Learning self-defense and getting used to manage conflict brings a lot of painful memories, feelings and my mind is running crazy with conflict and fight scenarios out of the blue. There are many emotions and trauma i just forced myself to forget about. I suppressed trauma and now it all comes up. Now is all coming back and is overwhelming. Everyday life and routine triggers me to re-live all the events that damaged my self-confidence. Is happening so fast and strong. I guess i am on the right way. I realised what i should have done after those events happened and how it fucked me up because i didn't. Next week krav maga again. Today's Update: I keep feeling unease and imagine conflicts and fights. I am more aware of these passing feelings and thoughts. At work I noticed that most people are behaving decent, some are very nice and a few assholes. Each day i encounter these people. I like talking with the nice people and have no problem with the decent ones. The assholes are an opportunity and a gift to grow each day. Like today an asshole started being rude and telling me how we should run our business and other crap. I talked back to him for a few minutes then ignored him. I decided i pushed myself enough and left him talk shit without paying attention afterwards. I cant recall last time i stood up for myself but today i felt good. It was a stepping stone. I am still implementing letting myself fail again and again in order to learn. I practice letting go of mistakes and moving on. It works even if sometimes i get emotional thinking of them. I keep going late to sleep and other destructive habits. I didn't meditate in a long time.
  2. Leave him. You can invest your time better than in a dude who flips and screams like a kid.
  3. today was tough. i procrastinated on the project i was supposed to do at work (internship) today. i felt drained and lost all hope. at work (family) afterwards i just wanted to fell asleep and put a pause. anyways, work got my mind off things and now i feel better.
  4. Work for my family is going well. plenty of opportunities to deal with conflict. I am making small steps daily. I feel very tired. But I am making progress. The work I do as an intern is challenging but I learn new things. I just noticed how much bullshit I was doing when I had time. Time all day. So much time spent thinking and wasting mental energy. Revising mistakes and what ifs. Now I know what I really want and need to do and I do it.
  5. @Zigzag Idiot Thank you very much!
  6. @Ibn Sina thanks for sharing.
  7. Hey guys! I started my internship this Monday at the start-up company I told you about. I do and learn how to do marketing, beside learning more about the crop they grow. I like this urban approach to farming. I don’t see myself growing plants at a farm in the middlefuck somewhere. I felt self doubt: there are people who speak English better then me, know more about marketing and so on yet, I am the only one who asked them for an internship in all the people living in this city! But my insecurities diminish as I get better. I met amazing people and all are interested in spirituality and self development at some degree. They all told me how smart I am for doing this work at such a young age. One of my favourite moments was when my boss watched some videos on YT and read articles about how to do a certain part of the project. It was so eye-opening to see that I don’t need to know everything nor entrepreneurs do. They learn and that's ok. I feel good and proud of myself. Hope you all are having a good time too.
  8. at krav maga it was good. so I went to three schools so far. the first and the thrid were very good, and the second was ok. the last two do not focus on the basics as much as the first. I do not like this. Thus, I will go to the first started for a while and then change to the second with more practice in pairs. my coordonation is better, first time and second my brian would block and confuse right with left and so on. i felt ashamed but kept pushing myself. At first I didn't want to go because I didn't think I was sick, no matter how long and practical I compare to the guy who beat me in middle school. but here i have 3 krav maga lessons later and i see progress. I will try martial arts systems next week for curiosity and then I will go to the first school every week. in addition to this, I try to embody this concept: is ok to fail the first few times, but each tiem you get 10% better. the biggest mistake is to quit first time.
  9. I got accepted at uni in my home city starting this autumn and i'll be studying the same major as before. I got accepted some time ago but didnt discuss this here because i dont want to worry and overthink like i did last summer before college. I want to focus on the present moment. That's pretty good that you've accepted this. I know is though especially when the indulging is too frequent.
  10. @RendHeaven Definitely. I am doing now stuff i wanted to do for years ( e.g. Krav maga) yet, I'm struggling with this backlash. On one hand, I'm growing exponentially during the day but indulging at night. How are you planning to deal with this backlash? Wish you good luck with your journey.
  11. Another krav maga school tonight. Don't know what to expect. Didn't read again how to break bad habits. I just excused myself from it. I feel tired and drained because of the work i do for my family. I don't like it at all. Our employees have no passion nor work ethic. The more i spend here the more i want to work with passionate people. Working here is very challenging personally though. I have to deal with all kinds of people. My ego gets triggered like a slot machine from the way a customer or employee treats me. Very interesting. For now i try to make thr best out of it. Next week I'll start my internship hopefully and then I'll work less here. It will be a strange balance from work I do for passion and work i do for money alone. I can say that since I'm working at my family's business i have become more relaxed with difficult people, conflict and stress. Is a slight change but i feel it. Being here means i have so much time to read books. So that's good. I cringe about what I've written here a year ago. That means I've grown.
  12. Zondag, 28 juli 2019 I had problems falling asleep lately. I listen to music, internet and masturbate until I fall asleep. Eating bad is less pronounced although I did eat sweets. My father started drinking more and this disgusts me. He drinks beer like water and then behaves like a jerk with us. I want to drink as well to feel better and fall asleep faster. I almost finished junky by William Burroughs. It amazing. I only listened when I was drunk, overstimulated after food and masturbation and very tired. I felt all the emotions, struggles, images, problems, and all he described in his book about addiction. Found a start-up company in my city where I can do an internship right now. They are very sustainable and the people surrounding them are very green. I will work for them in production and marketing in a week or so. I am not sure if they can offer me what I want to learn but will see. I am pleased with them so far. They cant afford to pay me and my father made fun of me and said I am dumb for working for free. He wants to make money just to have money. It made me a little insecure but I am not going to take advice from a guy who watches tv at least 3-4 hours daily and drinks alcohol like water. I went to another krav maga school. I realized how I use a false superiority complex over anyone else so I wont hurt my ego. This school was more hands on practice- he had to fight with each other and I got my ass kicked. I thought of myself as being very good at fighting with no practice or anything. I blamed outer factors for not learning self-defence until now, just to realize I was the one not letting myself do it and discover my fighting skills are non existent. It was an interesting lesson. I started reading a book about confidence. I thought is lame at first but I found myself in one of the situations described by the other. If you had 10% more confidence what would you do? What would have you done but you didn’t so far? One thing is learning to protect myself because I felt uncomfortable to do it. Met with a friend from high school. Just re-connected with her since the beginning of spring. I was waiting for her in the centre of the city and felt like usual: that I don’t deserve to be there because I am not good enough and so on. But I was conscious of my emotions and thoughts at a deeper level than I have ever been. I was shocked to realized that I am actually thinking those thoughts and feeling strong negative emotions started by something so dumb. It was unbelievable. I have been denying myself to feel calm and that I deserve to feel worthy just because I am a human being for years and for the first time I realized I don't need to meet any standards. Zazen is going better. Currently I'm in the second week. I'm going there once a week. I am still struggling to do it every day at home. But my back pain was not so strong as last time. My back muscles are so weak I had muscle spasms and I was shaking.
  13. Finally went to krav maga a few days ago. I am a little sore but happy. I will go this week to other two dojos to choose the best teacher. Work at my parents business is challenging & that's good.
  14. Lol this happens to me as well. i have no idea how.