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  1. That's true!
  2. University life so far ////// i didn’t try to befriend the ''cool'' people of my class and college. I felt a strong personal pressure to make friends with them because deep down I am afraid I wont be liked and bullied. In the past I made friends with those people just to avoid bulling by being their friend. I would connect with them so I would be the clown of the group to make them laugh. I realized this whilst talking with my best friend after failing college a few months ago. Sad but true. Uni started for two weeks and I finally feel I made the right choice. I don’t want to associate with them or be friends. Paradoxically no body makes fun of me now when I stay away from them vs when I was very needy to please them. In the last college I had a colleague who didn’t give a fuck about his social life at college; he had his own friends at home and girlfriend. I admired him. And I want to do pretty much the same thing. Is easy since I have krav maga twice a week, working for my family and the internship. I hang out only with some girls from my class but not so much. The guys overall seem very immature. It's surprising how deep my early life traumas go. I am flirting back and forth with a girl from my class. Things are going good so far. I am more direct with my intention than I ever was so far with a girl. She remembers me about three girls at least I could have been with in high school. I was so afraid of the idea of rejection and what my friends would think that I just stayed passive. Until they all got tired and moved on. I felt so frustrated. It makes me feel a roller-coaster of emotions: from excitement to fear. I avoided facing these emotions many times in my life. So many since I was a kid now I don’t know or believe I can succeed. When I am around her I feel headaches, shortness of breath, embarrassed, shame and anxiety. Maybe all these surpassed emotions come to surface as i am dealing with this area. The belief that I cant be with a girl or in a relationship is so deep in my ego. I would rather get rejected and frustrated than to push my comfort zone in this area. Is so hard to admit this and face this part of me. I am putting a lot of guilt and pressure on myself. How I should be already. How these basic dating skills I should have already. Is crippling. And I deny reality. I didn’t join any student organization or campus volunteering. At last college I spent so much time at bullshit events with the student organization. And I felt trapped there after a few months. It was a challenge at first but turned in a chore. Most of my time there was wasted on pointless activities. There where so many things I could have done with my time but that. That's why I'm not making the same mistake again. I joined because I saw it as a personal growth opportunity- and it was for some time. But would just get together for meetings and no body but three people and me would an effort to make activates. The other were just doing nothing. I thought when I joined the organization there would be space for me to acquire skills you need to open a small company. And it was anything but that. The internship I do now, is more like I was searching for in my student organization. I finally did my first food delivery on bike. It was an experience. I got late to pick up the order and very late to drop it. Like one hour and a half late. I felt so ashamed and stupid. What would that guy think of me? He didn’t say anything. And I pushed myself a lot from my comfort zone. I made so many mistakes and I just wanted to die. I run out of battery right after I arrived to drop the food. Found the apartment. I Was unfamiliar with the neighborhood. I managed to find a subway station and got home safely. I was so fucking scared but found the strength to put my shit together. So worried what my family would think. It felt good to stay strong and keep myself going. I realized how afraid I am of what people think of me. And now I think I look just like other dumb guy who made a mistake. And that's ok. No body really cares. I am very ashamed of this being on this forum. Is such a stupid situation to react like I did.
  3. Problems at my family business: so there is this guy who is envious on our relative success which has a similar business. he made us a lot of problems in the past, and still does. he has some corrupt cops friends and sent them to us to milk some bribe. we didnt give them anything and felt angry for not reacting better. we talked with a lawyer and apparently they had nothing to do there. and now they are passing by each day and are looking for some reason to fine us. when they came first and we didnt point out all the shady stuff they said and did or protected our rights very good. since they we have been waiting for these cops to come back so we can confront them properly. we talked with a lawyer after the first incident and now we know how to protect ourselves. i treat this as a great opportunity to make myself stronger. problems like this happen in real life and i need to deal with them not retreat in some notion about how the world should be.
  4. @Mezanti I feel the same. I have too much theory and mental masturbation about advanced and basic topics but in real life i struggle at the very beginning!
  5. Hey. I just got your app on my phone. I will let you know what i think in a few days. Congratulations for your success so far.
  6. Met more amazing and creative people though my internship. Realised how arrogant still am. I got all these deep knowledge from Leo but without me having to put any work in. Now I have this cloud of superiority hovering over me. But now i am aware of it. and how much worse it used to be. giving up this internship as i thought of before would have been a mistake. that choice would have been rooted in arrogance and fear of my ego being attacked.
  7. @studentofthegame thanks
  8. Update: In car with my brother and we got in a 10 second tense situation. I felt again frustrated, rage and afraid to stand up for myself. I haven't felt this for a few weeks. these are really strong feelings. really put me down, even more now that i am not ignoring them. i let this situation to just be and than i made a plan how to deal with it: keep learning self-defence and push yourself into arguments with people. i had some arguments last week and i acted 0001% better doing it from my point of view. to be honest being aggressive in an argument is how my father and brother do it. and this is a subconscious model to assess myself after an argument. that's the way i think i should act. and to be honest by this way, standing up for myself makes me feel that i am respecting myself. I have done the sedona method and others, thinking that the other person act like this because his own problems and i should just do nothing and just let them insult me and release all my negative emotions. now, i strongly disagree with this method. it just makes your self esteem crumble and hurts you deep down really bad. i can say that i do feel calmer and more confident in dealing with other people since i started learning krav. but i didn't expect all these supressed emotions to come to light. this was a surprise. So i have done 2 months of krav maga, more or less at this point. i can say that it made me very humble. i came in thinking that i am very good at fighting because i was born with these skills. and this soft self-image was torn apart big time each lesson. i wanted to quit when i realised that i suck really bad. really bad. first lesson i thought that the way i can throw a punch like a pro - this belief was destroyed by the end of the lesson; i didn't knew how to punch. funny. There is one move I cant do it right yet. Not even after 2 months. Next week college starts. I am both excited and sad. Somehow I am really excited that now I am studying in a big and crowded university. On the other hand, I want to keep my current routine: is simple and effective. I don’t want to stress about exams again. I fear the exams these times. I am doubting myself that I can get a degree. There are so many things I rather do than study for college but that's wrong long term. Right now I am at my best growth level I have ever been because I was only aiming to gain experience and growth; but I am insecure that I am starting college 2 years later than other people. I am ashamed to say that I failed college to my new colleagues. But in the same time I am proud of who am I. I am afraid that I will be bullied (a bit) by my colleagues and I will start hanging out with those people just to avoid being bullied. I will make them laugh and make a clown of myself. I have done this in high school and in NL. But at the time I didn’t realise it. Now I want to stay with the people I truly enjoy- and this I accomplished pretty well in NL. Leo said not to place too much energy on your being cool and having lots of friends. And only now i understand. So much time wasted with many people i didn't like and now i am only speaking with 1 person constantly from college. It makes me sad. But is a hard lesson to learn. I want to not get involved with school drama and community like I did abroad. I want to be focused on my life off-campus, and not be so concentred with my social status. But is so tempting. I see studying in my city uni at a second high school and a way to show my old self I can improve. I am happy I am in my home city once again. I see it as a second chance to improve myself by taking advantage of what the city has to offer. The internship is not going as well as i want. I want to put more into it. More energy and my full attention. i feel pressured to start my own business to feel successful as a young person. But I feel resistant and I tend to be sloppy lately. I keep pushing my duties for days at a time. Working for my family for the last two months made me more resentful with people. There are so many people who are very rude and assholes. Dealing with them made me be more cautious and frustrated. Some people will try to take advantage of you even if you were nice with them. Some will be nice people but in the same time assholes. I have learned so much. I observed that I am accepting society and culture for what it is, not what I think it should be like. I have noticed it in other areas. For example I am not trying to challenge my parents about their religion. I am accepting that they believe and fallow the church and that's ok. I don’t have to preach my point of view. And I am kinder with ''unconscious'' people. If someone wants to watch tv, gamble, smoke, drink, show off, and so on I am able to understand them and to let them be. Though I still have my judgements. Going through last maybe two years of various backlashes made me a kinder person. Now I understand that people who are addicted to a lot of stuff like drugs, gambling, social media, tv, food are feeling happy. They have a great time. The quality of happiness can be doubted but you get my point. I think I forgot how I felt before starting this work. I am not in the best spot myself right now. I am still struggling. I am fapping, no cold showers, watching tv series to fall asleep, I have started to play some sort of video games at family work- i feel addicted and stimulated to play them, i haven't done any step to get into pick-up since i got back- is a huge obstacle for me i cant seem to tackle for years, use Instagram and Facebook daily, porn, I am not meditating, my eating habits are pretty unhealthy now, I am going late to sleep each night, I got a taste for drinking and smoking weed, I am looking forward to any occasion I have to try some mind altering drugs- once I'm drunk or high I want to take anything to feel smth stronger, tried ketamine twice and I want to do it again, i am craving junk food, i take every opportunity i have to eat unhealthy, i have delayed starting delivering food on my bike for weeks already, I am not my highest self. In a way I got sloppy with some practices but stronger with others. I see my golden period of personal development as being two years ago. But back then i was overlooking some aspects i am now working on and vice versa. I feel stuck in some areas right now.
  9. Just finished writing a list about all the good things that came out from the last 2 years of my life and i feel better now. And then i see this inspiring message. And indeed life is good despite all the turbulence. I have grown a lot which is the sole reason i left. Goal accomplished. Really nice to read this. Thank you so much.
  10. Update: Used the kimono twice. I feel more deserving and confident wearing it. But i had to actually buy and wear it whilst feeling doubts. Is still very humbling to go to the dojo. I am still accepting the reality that i am learning self defence and currently suck at it. All these years i thought i ''already know whatever they have to teach me'' just go there and realise i know nothing. I protected my ego from reality. In which areas am i fooling myself? I meditated 3 times of 5 m each last week in bed laying down. I have increased my food intake since i got home. So easy to eat when i have so much food around. I eat many things which aren't healthy. I even forgot about the 10 min concentration practice i used to do before meditation. LOL. More buried arguments from the past cam to my awareness as i am learning to fight and deal with people at work. Still unpleasant when they arise but i am healing. I expected i would feel confident 100% if i learn how to fight asap. It makes me sad that all these years of avoiding conflict and feeling frustrated could have been changed if i had the right information. What would i do differently? First thing after being beaten in middle school I would have started learning to fight and set boundaries. That's it. frustration and denial made my life a hell many years after these events occurred. I couldn't let it go. Still cant, But i have to say i feel calmer and more ok with what happened. Because i am changing now and building the skills to deal with conflicts and fights in the future. There are so many things that seem genuinely urgent. Is so hard to make the difference with my goals. I am afraid i will run out of time if i dont do everything now. I am not satisfied with my life deep down. I have problems falling asleep. I cant bear being alone at night with my thoughts. I want to do ashtanga yoga now as well. And read more books and so on. Just to do it at a mediocrity level and feel stressed and guilty afterwards. I realised that when i was in NL i felt alone deep deep down. My junk food cravings, together with drinking and smoking weed were helping me cope with my loneliness and other things i missed i am not yet aware. Sometimes i had to listen to music all day just to get through the day. But i was too proud that I would even miss my family and crowded city. I wish i was nicer with my family when i was gone, they deserve it. they are good people.
  11. I feel consumed by regreat now. I am holding up crying. I am thinking back about all the mistakes i have done in NL. I think about all things which arent going as i want in my life right now.
  12. I will take my kimono finally. To be honest i dont see myself in one or getting to own different belts. I dont think i am good enough. I want to quit and return confident in a few years. But I read that confidence comes after not before; I will grow confident wearing it. College starts soon. I cant say i am happy about this. I really like my schedule now, with the internship, krav maga, family business and other chores. I dont want to be sucked up back in caring too much of my social status and try hard to fit in. I want to my schedule intact for a few months more. I am really happy i spend my summer here and I will be around for 4 years. I love living in a big city. I hated living in a town abroad. And i realised recently that i was sad and lonely in NL. But I didn't want to admit this to myself. It took courage to admit it. That's the reason I was craving drugs, fast food, sweets, porn, fap, excitement and self-punishment. I was really happy that I failed so I can go back home. I feel here are things I didn't resolve here. Since i got back i felt these craving at a quarter at how strong they were there. Now i feel like getting drunk once a month but there it was every week. Interesting. I was talking shit about my family and country when i was in NL, but i was ignorant back then. I feel bad for being such an ass with my family. My country is still shit but here are some good people (e.g. internship boss and his friends) and some cool events and opportunities. I spent lots of time speaking shit about my nation and country- all that energy would have been spent in better places.
  13. Interesting reads: https://www.kravmaga.com/belts-in-krav-maga-what-each-signifies/ https://www.salsamacho.com/the-krav-maga-belt-system-explained/
  14. Search an organisation which is already embodying your LP and volunteer for them for a few months. First, you should see how it is in the real world not from home.
  15. update: going to zazen next week. saw a fight on the street between some guys. very interesting. saw how they had no structure in fighting and how one of the guys could have escaped from a chock hold by hitting the guy with his elbows. also observed that the friends of the fighting guys were just looking at them. interesting. beside that i would have written about other recurring thoughts and feelings i wrote about already.