Dovahkiin

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  1. Thanks everybody. Every day has bit a little better ❤️
  2. Hi everyone, I'm bumping this thread up because I've been having a hard time, and this trip has entailed much more than just that initial day or two. I could really use advice and help right now. A few days after we tripped, my phone / social media addiction went rampant, and I was having an extremely hard time sleeping, sleeping about 3 hrs/ night. My daily meditation also fell off. Then, last Thursday (so 6 days after the trip) I talked to my dad on the phone and he said he thought he was dying. My dad has been a lifelong alcoholic and has developed serious heart issues and neuropathy as a result, and the last two years has been in and out of the hospital. He told me over the phone he thought this might be the end, so I immediately booked a flight home without thinking about it. My girlfriend wanted to come too and support me, so I paid for us both to fly there and back (~$1200). When I got there he hadn't eaten for a week, and was refusing food and water, spitting / throwing up, basically unable to move around or do much of anything. I realized I couldn't give help he wouldn't accept, so I had one last moment of connection with him watching a movie, and went to my mom's (parents divorced when I was four after my mom cheated on my dad with her drug dealer - their ensuing drug use and issues is a whole other can of worms) to rest. Yet, going to my mom's made things even worse: Since I can remember my mom has been extremely child-like and unable to care for others. She has extreme pain and issues that caused a ton of conflict as I was growing up, and I was shocked that in this fragile state I wasn't receiving help from her. She was wrapped up in her own shit, confused, and was actually asking me to do things for her even though I thought I was going home to be cared for. There was some opening and healing as I told her how I felt about a lot of things from childhood, but overall I found myself opening up to memories and trauma that were way more than I was ready for. I started having daily panic attacks, developing paranoid delusions and thinking I was still tripping and losing my grip on reality. I am from the southeast, and a ton of storms / tornadoes were rolling through, jacking flight prices insanely high and making it hard to return home to Chicago. I was genuinely starting to think I was in some sort of hell. I probably had 1 panic attack Friday, 3 Saturday (Saturday night / Sunday AM my body was in great pain and I got to such a dark place all I could do was feel my breath and trust God - I was so terrified), 2 Sunday, 1 Monday, 1 yesterday and none so far today. I THINK I'm ok now, but I truly "touched my madness" and freaked myself out. I'm definitely still recovering, though I don't have any more paranoid delusions and definitely am able to get around in the world, drive, eat 3 square meals, etc. I think I'd forgotten how much trauma I experienced as a child, and this mushroom (and then dad dying) experience brought it roaring back up. I came away from the experience realizing none of the adults I grew up with were really fit to parent me; they were, and remain, a mess. Going back to that environment in a child-like state validated my decision to move far away for college and keep family at a distance, and showed me that I simply can't rely on these people to help me when I'm weak. Luckily, 20-30 friends reached out and have been godsent in helping me through, talking on the phone, etc. I'm not going back home for my dad who's in the hospital, and I don't feel bad about that. I've visited him in these states multiple times now, and the fact that he told me he thought this was it only to refuse my help and go to the hospital really struck a nerve. I'm still releasing a lot of guilt I have felt for individuating and being ok myself when so many of my family members are fucked up. If anyone, @Serotoninluv or otherwise has general advice right now, I'm all ears. I don't want to go to any sort of institution, but my current plan is: Therapy, get back my daily meditation habit (today was my first day back), see girlfriend most days, socialize with friends, and probably next week resume my graduate school classes. I couldn't have known it would be this challenging, but I do think I've processed a lot of trauma that was locked in and that in the long run, this has been healing. Physical / psycho-somatic issues in my jaw and back have gotten much better, and while I'm still getting occasional migraines, the last three nights I've finally slept 8+ hours. I love you all, and am so grateful for your help.
  3. I am happy for anyone to but in anytime. It was a bad trip, and it was beautiful. The lowest low and the highest high so far. The local max and min, but not the trap that is the IDEA of the global max and min. She took 2.1, I took 2.8g. It started out alarming. I panicked. She threw up. Fear passed. @Serotoninluv was right to tell me to look after her. I wanted to protect her. While we were walking upstairs she fell, and I heard two thumps. I ran to her. She was confused. I helped her up and brought her to the bed, terrified. She is ok, thank God, but this trip forever changed reality. What happened couldn’t have happened by coincidence, I suddenly had the urge to google Godel’s inconpleteness theorem, remembered my life purpose, and enjoyed what amidst that panic was the happiest moments of my life. Depersonification, not complete, but complete enough to be aware of infinite incompletion. Infinite intelligence. All my memories I’d brood over became lessons, all the people in my life, from strangers like @Serotoninluv to my parents to every teacher from every tradition to science to religion to all of mind. But it wasn’t total wild experience and then I forget it, like has happened. I always envisioned the trip being something OTHER than this. I imagined a good trip to be some lala fairytale land and a bad trip to be some hell / devil scenario. But that's wasn’t it (this time). THIS is IT. I havent lost some level of boundless love with my gf. Literally everything is mind. I saw ancient mathematical / Egyptian-looking symbols everywhere. It's all mind because you can choose to see it or pull yourself out of it and go back to the materialist paradigm. Neither is really more valid than the other. Is it a drug or did two Homo sapiens walk around and find a mushroom that brought them back to the earth and reminded them who they truly are? Reality is infinitely intelligent and designed itself in its own image. It's god knowing him/her/itself. The emotions were through the roof. Music. You're so right with the importance of music. I was listening to deeply emotional music and realizing the profound suffering and sadness behind it, feeling how the artist felt and knowing what they meant in a way I didn't before. thank you for reading and please always butt in
  4. I’m thinking because ego identification is a spectrum rather than a binary. The animals we most closely relate to tend to be the ones we see as having a “personality.” Monkeys and dogs clearly seem to have personalities to us. Birds? Ants? Not so much.
  5. @Serotoninluv firstly, this helps a ton. I so appreciate the level of generosity behind you writing this much to help us! Great to know about the collective tripping energy and everything you said about modifying trip intensity somewhat. This should be interesting, because our connection is the strongest I’ve had with a gf by far. This relationship alone has made me recontextualize sex and human connection. I don’t wanna create a huge expectation going in, but I’m excited to see how it goes. I’ll go with the flow like you say. We’ve also both gained a huge appreciation recently for hiking, beauty and art (she’s getting into painting and this was a theme of my vday gifts to her), so I’ll 100% take your advice and have some beautiful videos ready. Maybe next time we can involve nature
  6. Thanks so much @Serotoninluv. My takeaway from this is that I won’t be capable of redosing skillfully, and that 4g is risky. Still, I want to do what I can to ensure a truly mind-opening experience. I also feel ok with the possibility of a bad trip if it grows me. Maybe 3g is a reasonable middle way. We could set some music up; other than that do you have any favorite thing to do? Just sit and let the experience happen?
  7. I definitely relate to this. Its not that hard to parrot those with nondual wisdom, to talk the talk of spirituality. For sure all this learning and talking is useful in that it points people toward the practices that assist them up the mountain, but for me personally, I’ve gotten the sense that the paradigm shifts, breakthroughs, awakening is to come from the work itself, and only motivation / pointers / course correction is going to come from the talk. In Leo’s video ‘What is God,’ he even says that the whole point of what he’s doing - trying to communicate something beyond words - is to encourage you to discover it for yourself.
  8. Depends on which ‘we’ you’re talking about!
  9. I’ve planned my first psychedelic trip for this Friday: My girlfriend and I will try mushrooms in our apartment. We’re thinking of meditating a while beforehand (when we first met and I told her I was into it and she expressed strong interest, saying she’d been wanting to try it forever, so I’ve introduced her to it and we’ve got a nice daily practice going, with yoga and other cool stuff in the pipeline. It’s been a dream. Aside from timing, meditating beforehand and taking the mushrooms on a relatively empty stomach, we don’t have much planned, so any setup suggestions are welcome. My main question: I was thinking of doing 4g, and she is thinking 2g. However, a few friends have said 4g might be too much. I think I’m up for it, but what would any of you with more experience suggest? I could always start with 2g, and decide on the next 2g once I’m slightly into it, right? any help much appreciated, and I’ll be sure to post a report over the weekend.
  10. Have you read Ludwik Fleck's 'Genesis and Development of a Scientific Fact?' I'm going through it now and keep getting reminded of the book you've said you're working on on epistemology, scientific thought (e.g. belief in sound waves, ear drums, etc), etc. Fleck talks a lot about thinking as something not truly done by individuals, and only made possible by collective consciousness, the stories we've culturally / scientifically accepted, etc. It's been surprising and refreshing amidst grad school readings that rarely if ever relate to the type of content on actualized.
  11. @traveler also I struggled with eating as well during retreat. The monk suggested focusing less on mindfulness during meals so that I could still maintain “hunger” and not deconstruct it and starve myself. Starving yourself would drain you faster than it enlightens you. So I’d suggest to just make yourself eat!
  12. 1) once you get into this territory it’s pretty hard to go back. Not impossible to try, but generally ‘you can’t unring the bell.’ The process has started. 2) DN time varies tremendously. It could be very short, and like Leo said, it’s usually only years if you don’t follow through properly. That said, not following through properly IS a risk. I’ve been in a DN-ish area for 18 months now, and despite 6 weeks of vipassana retreat time in there, I’ve lacked discipline and slacked in my practice. 3) DN severity varies tremendously. A silver lining is DNs are not always horrible. Some people simply don’t have that much trouble. I’ve been able to function well professionally and decently with family despite the territory. Don’t script yourself into having a brutal time of it, and any difficulty that does come, shoot for equanimity toward it
  13. Hey, ether. I'm starting a journal / blog on here mainly for myself - to maintain accountability in reflecting on significant experiences on my path, but equally importantly, to have these experiences distilled on the web, as I perceive them in the moment, so that I don't fall into revisionist history in reflecting on my journey in the future. To any readers who happen to find yourself here with me, welcome Initially I'm going to have to make a few posts which fill in the gap between 2015, when I'd say I started on the spiritual path in earnest, and now, but thereafter I'll make regular (monthly, probably) updates here on progress with life purpose and awakening. To begin: In 2015 I was clueless about LP and considered "spirituality" to be bullshit, though I'd started meditating out of some vague idea that "the science says it's good;" it could increase the density of grey matter in my brain, assist neuroplasticity, reduce risk of a litany of diseases, yada yada yada. I saw it as a means to an end, namely the end of performing well at my job (I was about to begin my first job out of college as a proprietary trader) and doing well on a reality show I was on, "Survivor." Survivor is basically part survival situation and part strategy game, in which contestants form "alliances," deceive one another and vote someone off the island every few days, the idea being that the last person standing wins. I'd already been on Survivor in 2013, getting on the show by saying things like: "The former governor Mitt Romney has been successful in everything he’s ever attempted, be it private equity, business/law school or running the Olympics. He has accumulated enormous wealth in starting several successful business ventures and constitutes the perfect embodiment of capitalism" in response to the question, "who is your inspiration in life?" SD stage orange, much? Whew. By 2015 I'd changed a bit and was spirituality-curious and personal-development-curious, open to things like LOA / "the secret," but intent on purposing them to help me win the $1Mn prize on the reality show in my second try. I wanted to visualize myself winning and actualize it. Accomplishing this represented the top of the mountain for me, and I had no vision of my purpose in the world beyond it. All that mattered was winning Survivor, LOA / meditation / quasi-spiritual concepts were tools to achieve my goal, and it seemed to be working. I avoided elimination and made it deep into the game. At one interesting point, on day 33 / 39, I got what the show calls a "reward," in which I got to take a break from starving and eat. More interesting than alleviating my calorie deficit, though, was the spiritual component of this reward: The three contestants who won it got to leave the island on which we were playing Survivor (Koah Rong) and go to Cambodian temples near Angkor Wat to spend the night and experience cultural performances. Most significantly, we were blessed by three Cambodian monks (probably Theravada, though I'm not sure). I have one prescient memory from this time: The monks were chanting and we were sitting and observing them in a bit of a stupor, focused more on the pasta we were about to eat than on the ceremony right in front of us. Completely unexpectedly, the monk adjacent to me flicked a large glob of water off a flower, right onto my face. It took me aback. I imagine that this could have been the first message whirling over my conscious head that managed to plant a seed somewhere subconscious, and that the seed was responsible for the "WAKE UP" tree that began growing. Perhaps coincidentally or perhaps not, the day following the reward I changed my mind drastically about whom to vote out next, which was a questionable strategic decision at the time. I did well from that point, making it to the end of the competition, at which point a winner is voted on by a "jury" consisting of people who've been eliminated / voted out already. The jury - the people who've usually just been double-crossed and voted out - decides which of the final 3 contestants is most deserving of the win and the million dollars. I lost in a vote of 10-0-0. As embarrassing as it is, this is essentially how and why I found actualized.org - out of the confusion that ensued after I felt I was wielding the law of attraction and growing tremendously personally, only for the universe to respond unequivocally with a resounding "NO." A few weeks after filming wrapped on the show, I googled something along the lines of "LOA doesn't work," and found Leo's video on the subject, in which he stresses that action needs to be an intermediary between visualization and actualization, and that "the secret" is best used in a different manner from that in which I tried to use it. For a few weeks I sort of "flirted" with actualized.org, really resonating with one video and then being totally put off by another, teetering between extremes of thinking Leo had a lot of sage advice and thinking Leo was a hack. In retrospect I can see the reactive ego in this, and re-contextualize this psychological tendency toward extremes and desire to either view Leo as a guru or as a fraud. Nonetheless, despite where I was (the stage of "emotional midget," or "butt monkey" as the kids used to say on this site) at the time, I eventually watched the video in which Leo stressed how important the "dailyness" of a daily meditation practice is, and challenged viewers to do it every day no matter what. That is what I did, and doing it is really what set the journey of the last few years into motion. So far that journey has entailed a 180-degree career change, complete re-thinking of life goals, a big perspective-altering experience during meditation, an open-mindedness completely unknown to me previously, a few long retreats, a long-term relationship that helped me grow and much more. More snapshots to follow
  14. Hey all, I didn't see this posted already, but Tim Ferriss recently did an interview with Stanislav Grof (pioneer of holotropic breathwork, psychedelic research) that made for very interesting listening: https://tim.blog/2018/11/20/stan-grof/ They cover more than I expected them to, including rethinking psychology / psychiatry, 5-MEO, many other psychedelics, mystical experiences and experiences of synchronicity, and more.