Winter

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  1. "Do you keep a journal? I think it's a great method to get concepts out of your system." I guess I should do that, it's just hard to discipline myself to do it. I used to keep a journal where I would reflect on my day but that's too much useless text. I should stick to keeping only the useful insights. "I'd say allow it to be and watch it, that'll grow your awareness by time." Even if I don't really accept it (but progressing on that), I'm still watching it and that's probably how I get most of my insights. (That's what I mean when I say getting insights from procrastination). "Every day in the morning, make a simple plan for the day, don't overthink it, just a few pointers to make you move throughout the day, and proceeding with the plan, immerse yourself in the activities and be present." Yeah, "be present" is what I think is most important. During the week the structure of university kind of allows me not to be present (just follow the flow, It's not like I'm gonna start gaming at the library), which is a problem since whenever the weekend arrive, I'm used to act automatically and not be present, thus wasting a good 20h of potential work. I need to stay present even when I manage to stick to my schedule. I was kind of skeptical of the "be present" thing because I got this "insight" from procrastination saturday and still got to procrastinate sunday (not sure what happened, I was aware of it but still couldn't get out of the non-present). However I'm giving it another try and hopefully it will work. I kind of need to be ok with the idea that I won't be present as well, even though I really want to be it. Thank you very much for your answer!
  2. Sticking to my schedule all the time, doing what I know I want rather than what the ego feels like doing now, and doing it with no resistance. Sticking to my schedule will allow me to reach my life purpose.
  3. The way ego gets me always appear to be unique yet ego probably always win the same way. Most of the time where I manage to suddenly shift from low consciousness to high consciousness, it's with insights. I get that "ah-ha" moment and I realize "ohhhh, that's how I was fooling myself". Works for a little bit of time and then, it seems this insight is no longer valid. It's like I sucked it's juice out of it and it no longer "works". So every time I procrastinate, I actually want not to procrastinate and I'm "looking for my insight". This is very difficult as insights don't just come by acting mechanically/automatically, it seems to me that they come when I do things manually (am aware of what I'm doing or doing something that is out of that routine). For instance, yesterday I was in my bed in the morning and I was thinking about how I'm gonna do X, Y, Z after I get up. Lucky me, I get an insight and I realize that instead of trying to plan awareness, all I should do is increase my consciousness in the now, and then proceed to keep this awareness I just got to run, eat breakfast, and shower while being high in consciousness . Using that insight I managed to do a decent day but then tomorrow, it's no longer relevant. I haven't forgotten anything about this insight, I forgot something about something else. What is it? That's what I need to discover. By "looking for that insight", I'm looking for awareness as if it was hidden somewhere to come instead of realizing it's there. But this realization isn't as simple as knowledge. In practice, no matter how much I want to keep awareness, I keep forgetting important details about it. Sure maybe I can get awareness right NOW if I wanted to. But what I want to is to build a life where I am more aware than I am currently. If you meet someone in the street and you tell him "observe the now" they might get aware for a few seconds, but that doesn't replace the ego training that is required to be aware all of the time. You guys like to mention how easy it is to realize awareness right now. But we need not to ignore that monkey business of training the ego so that it has more awareness. This is why, I assume, Leo focuses so much on the meditation. It's not just about letting go of everything now, it's about training the ego to stay aware for longer and longer. It's as if I can get awareness from incomplete knowledge (a single insight) but it's only temporary because I'm bound to fail to keep in mind another concept. When will I discover that other concept? Once it happens so much to me that it becomes obvious I guess. What I think is the worst is that those insights I get are things I used to keep in mind, just some months ago. This idea that I'm running in circles trying to get the self-actualization concept I've forgotten about is really demotivating. This really prevents me from seeing progress, and my daily timesheets confirm the lack of progress, at least in term of results. What I'm pretty convinced about though is that I can't just ignore the issue and pretend it's not there. I've tried so many times in the past "just to try to be aware" anyway ("don't chase, it's right there!" they say), but generally, I just procrastinate until I get my insight. I get most of those insights in procrastination though, probably because I'm getting good at understanding my unwanted behaviours. Now sure, I can be aware as I'm typing this because I'm at least partially understanding what's wrong by making this post, but most of the time when I'm unaware, distractions keep me from doing meditation or others. So I'm thinking about doing a cheat sheet (list of reference of concept to remember), but I feel like I will just fool myself with it. No matter how much I put on such a cheat sheet, my ego will manage to forget whatever is not on it. Could still be beneficial though but I'm pretty convinced that's not the solution. Why? Because there's no procedure to get awareness. There's no list of steps you can follow to get awareness. I tried "ok whenever I lose awareness/get low consciousness, I'll listen to Leo's videos, it will wake me up". But no, it doesn't work that way. Awareness is all about being there, when following a procedure you are used to follow, are by definition not there. I often got good advices like "take a walk" or do something else whenever it happens, but that will works only once. You may build the habit of doing walks whenever you have an unwanted behaviour but that will do nothing more than building an automatic behaviour. Input will be appreciated, even though I'm not asking any question in particular. I'm not suffering though, just calmly trying to observe my own unwanted behaviours. I might even call this idea of "no procedure will get me awareness" an insight, but that's nothing new for sure.
  4. Thanks for the video! It appears to be what I was looking for.
  5. My "experience" or gut feeling I get from meditation is that "silence is the only right/correct answer". But silence is a thing too so it's wrong as well. But even the concept of being right or wrong is also ridiculous, and finding things to be ridiculous is also ridiculous. The only "truth" I feel is whenever there's no thinking. But again truth is just a label. All ideas are bullshit, including the idea of saying that some things are bullshit. Whatever I write I could not be right. Never took drugs or had orgasmic awakenings though. Nothing fancy I would call "awakening", doing meditation feels mundane and that's a good thing because that tells me I'm not delusional. I don't see myself ever linking experiences from meditation to concepts like existence or understanding. Existence is an idea.
  6. Sure I can imagine how good it feels to be without any internal pressure. I am sometimes. Sometimes I cry, or I sing or I do both at the same time. I'm probably a very terrible singer, I just do it to open up. In fact today I ignored my schedule and just went for a walk in the heart of Montreal, just for the sake of connecting back with my path. Can you see that old you had no life purpose? He wanted to analyze for the sake of analyzing. An academic with an identity and assumption that he should behave according to his identity. On my side, I don't have an identity anymore, at least I'm getting good at seeing my ego trying to make an identity whenever it happens. I'm whatever I want to be, and I want to be whatever will achieve my life-purpose. This life-purpose is much more than analyzing, few are the skills I won't need. I don't care about who I am and what I did. Why do you admire the bush? No reason. Why do I achieve my life purpose? No reason. But both are fine. Sure mine will take longer but what's so bad about time? You didn't talk about time in your story. What happened after admiring the bush? You stopped? (Assuming you are no longer at the bush right now). Why? Tired? No longer interested? I don't know the reason but I have good reasons to assume that it's the ego that stopped admiring the bush. Why not contemplating that bush forever? I try, I progress, I fall back, I feel hate for falling back, I retry, I feel dumb for feeling hate, I feel dumb for feeling dumb, I laugh about all those paradoxes. But in the end I look at all of this process and it's not any uglier or prettier than a bush. The bush is not admirable because it has any special property, it is because you decided too. Just like I decided to observe myself do emotional labour all the time to fullfil my life purpose. You used the example of admiring a bush. But do you think you could do the same with building a castle of cards for the sake of it, without anyone to watch you do it or gratifying you? What about going in the woods and building an (poorly made) house, just for the sake of it? What about becoming the most powerful person and changing the world, just for the sake of it, ignoring your ego all the way from the bottom to the top that would otherwise fool you with gratification, pride and pleasure? What is the difference with all these and why would you like doing one and not another? Why is doing small stuff or close to no stuff better than big stuff? I think only the ego makes a distinction between all of these. Ego gets tired easily so it's way easier to appreciate doing small stuff, but if you were to fully ignore your ego, you wouldn't care about doing something big or small, or committing for something that takes time. My point is, you can get fully at peace doing anything, as long as you are fully aware while doing the thing. THAT BEING SAID I don't think your example invalidate my will to have a good definition of existence. Understand that I'm not doing that "because I'm an analyst" but I'm simply open to learn the point of view that is not mine for the sake of eventually understanding it for myself. If the point of your story was that "there's no point trying to model concepts like existence because you are losing time you could use to contemplace reality instead", then there's no case to all of Leo's videos oriented toward phylosophy then (Like What is God). But in practice sometimes you are your old self and you need some help getting back on track on higher consciousness levels. For me watching Leo's videos help, especially because they are direct. Today I spent my time thinking about phylosophy instead of procrastinating, because as soon as I saw myself starting procrastinating I decided to procrastinate using Leo's videos instead. Why? Because they have the potential to fix me up. Sure, I will fix myself up but if I can manage to have an "ha-ah" moment sooner using some good old theory, it's just kicking me back on track faster. That's why I do phylosophy, it's a source of procrastination that lead to useful learning (just like our discussion right now or simply by understanding the concepts). Thanks for the story though, appreciate that!
  7. Yes because this way has been working for me. Acquire theory and put it into practice and see if they work for me. I don't think Leo condemns this way of working. Sure there's the risk of me at some point outgrowing Leo and having to figure shit out by myself, but I can leave that as a challenge for the future. For now it's much better for me to aquire a lot of theory because not only it help me keep the big picture of self-actualization but it help me find my path whenever I'm lost. Why are you implying I'm using "philosophy" alone? I just said I meditate daily, in the very message you just quoted. Theory and practice need to be balanced. I just spent a good 4 months not having any new theory at all, just trying to "brute-force" my way through meditation and I didn't make any progress. Without theory you don't know where you are going and why you are going. Both are required and I'll keep using both. You could argue that 4 months is not enough and I should spend my entire life meditating without caring for the lack of results but that would be unstrategic. A good balance between theory and practice helps me go faster.
  8. @Serotoninluv Well I kind of back pedalled after that but I'd say it feels that one is the "right" one because it's the only one that I have at the moment. Like I know it can't apply to post-rational discussions or things that do not imply definition of sets really. But other than that I have nothing else because after asking myself what does it mean to exist, I kind of found out that it doesn't mean anything. Why this distinction between things that exists and things that do not? It doesn't make sense to have a list of things that do exists and things that don't, therefore it doesn't make sense to use the verb existing. I've kind of blew up the rules (or transcended if you want fancy spiritual talk) what it means to exist so I'm wondering what existence means for people that are farther. Do you have a list of stuff that exist and list of stuff that do not? How come and why does it make sense to you? Things exist if you feel like they exist?
  9. I guess I should of put more emphasis toward asking for a video suggestion rather than asking questions. What I like from Leo's argumentation is that there's no bullshit, no stone left unturned. He tries to hit every possible points. Whenever he doesn't, that tend to be because he planned to cover the topic in another video. Even his answers here on the forum are little help compared to the videos. There's just not much you can explain in a few lines compared to a hour long video and that's normal. So yeah, what I want is the full explanation on what existence is based on his opinion/idea/experience. To me experience doesn't automatically define terms in any language. You can project whatever you want on me but I don't care about any objective external reality, I can let my mind play any game but you have to define the rules of that game properly. You need to be at the same page in term of existence to understand a video that imples understanding of existence. I questioned the meaning of existence and to me, the one that feels the more right is the one based on set theory. I don't see myself coming back to a loosely defined version of existence, that isn't based on anything. One could say that I "let go" of the definition of existence if you want, because to me it feels meaningless right now. There's the mathematical one, which I can use sometimes but it doesn't apply to the stuff Leo is talking about and I'm left with no definition of existence. If feels more right for existence not to exist, if that can ever make sense. So is there such video? Is it covered in part 2 or later in the same video? I'm 1 hour in out of 2 hour and a half and unfortunately there's no table of content. Sorry for being rude. I just want the information and not a simple "find it yourself" answer.
  10. I meditate daily for one hour (though missing days here and there) since july 2018. I'm not asking for a diagnostic, I want to talk about phylosophy involved in a specific video (there's no problem with me). A statement of the form "X exist" (God exist) has been said and I would like to have Leo's version of existence. Otherwise the 2 hour 30 minute video is nothing but a bunch of meaningless words thrown in to the air. If you are not into phylosophy that's fine with me, you don't have to answer. But this is on topic in this forum category. None of the concerns I mentionned has been answered in your messages. It's hard to prevent myself from thinking that you simply read the title and ignored the body.
  11. Sorry but a synonym won't help understanding when what's needed is meaning. What is the meaning that is attributed to the verb "to exist" or it's broader, less direct version "to be"?
  12. I'm watching the "What is God" video but I feel like I'm not on the same page because I don't agree or understand on the usage of the word exist. My point is that when we say that something exists, it exists in something in particular. When we omit the world/universe that we want to check if it exists in the real world. It is like the default set we want to check if things are in. This is just common sense and based on the regular usage of the word "exist". Simple example: "Do unicorns exist?" This question would be understood as "Do unicorns exist in the real world?" if I were to omit the world I'm talking about. The answer would be "I don't know but I believe we've got no evidence of such animal existing in the real world." If I were to ask "Do unicorns exist in this video game?" then the answer would depend on the video game. More examples: The real world does not exist because it is not in the real world. (The real world does not exist in the real world). If that doesn't make sense to you consider the following: Is the alphabet in the alphabet? No, the alphabet contains only letters, it doesn't contain other alphabets nor itself. Consider the set that contains everything, and name it "all". God exist in all, unicorns exist in all, the set containing infinitely many "all"s exist in all. I exist in all. (No matter what I am). Really, the real world (or scientifically observed universe if you with) and the video game are just mathematical sets. They are flawed (if defined naively) and depend on some axioms. I do not think that those axioms must necessarily be defined but, I think they need to if you want to talk about the verb "to exist". Else how would you define the word "exist" that do not depend on some set theory? What is this "exist" you refer to without using anything after? Probably not the same as the one I just derived from common sense. What I want is to know how Leo would define the word "exist" for his video (where it is used a lot). How can you even define the concept of existence based on nothing? If you know a video in which Leo defined existence, please link it. I don't even want to ask what it is "to be" because I feel like that's just a sloppier version of "to exist". Sometimes it means to exist, sometimes it means something else. To me, it seems that we are having a system with definitions that are interdependent. I don't know what the concept of defining something is (I know it exists in all hahaha) but it probably depends on existence and existence has to be defined in some way, otherwise it doesn't mean anything. Definition is the process in which we attribute meaning on a concept. No concept can have meaning if they are not defined to have some. On a similar note, if you want to play with any statement that can be true or false aren't you also assuming something about logic? There's no difference between "true" and "false", there's only a difference in the usage we make of it. I'm not talking about the labels (the words) here, but the meaning of something to be true and something to be false. True and false are 2 states a statement can be.
  13. Thanks to you! Will do my best to stay on track
  14. dont accept your so called lower self I try not to split my personality in different selves. No, I don't tolerate not doing my life-purpose but if only I could do it all the time, I would never have self-hate issues. What I want is to be higher-self, not to be happy being lower-self. I'm not looking for happiness, I'm looking for working on my self-purpose, which requires self-control, which requires being higher self. Stop watching Leos videos for a while I haven't watched them for a while and was about to come back to them. I really don't know better though, he is direct and that's what resonates with me. I don't know what is love and I'm really unconvinced that I lack any of it. I used to crave affection and mostly got over that. Shadow works looks cool, I'll need to check into that. I'd rather have a no bullshit version of it though. girly cry I did cry recently, felt good and then went back to low consciousness the day after. I'd say the problem is that, self-acceptance is not going to the root issue. It's fixing the self-hate but what I need is to fix what is at the root of the self-hate. Not the judging myself but the behaviour that causes the self-hate. Why? Because I want to do my life-purpose. This post is not about "please help me be happy being a lazy ass", it's about "please help me do my life purpose". Why? Because I decided I would do that life-purpose, no matter what. Doing self-acceptance for the sake of getting back high consciousness for the sake of not having the behaviour I'm trying to accept just doesn't work. I can't trick myself into accepting myself for indirectly not accepting myself. So yeah, with time I'm learning how to use a bit self-acceptance to apply it to the injury but, what I really need is someway for the injury not to happen again, that is, keeping my high consciousness. Thanks for your answer as well
  15. Could I ask what good habits you're trying to form that will make you totally awesome? Well all I care about is my life purpose. Being awesome is something my ego would love but it's not what matters. All the other good habits I have are running in the morning and meditation. I plan on starting to go to the gym eventually to get more respect from my future employees but right now, I believe it would be nonstrategic to attribute time for this. All I want is to at least get my business off the ground so I can leave my parent's house and work on the next step toward my life purpose. So yeah, I indeed focus only on productivity and stopping the bad habits. But this is what I want to be sorted out right now in order to move on. "The stress" of having too much stuff to keep in mind, however, is just another thing to keep in mind. I don't have much other solutions right now then periodically rewatching the "must-watch" videos from Leo, and get reminded of every way I might fuck this up. The problem is that doing any of my bad habits lowers my consciousness. For instance I stopped eating candies/chocolate/chips even though I'm very thin and never got any health/body incentive to do so. I guess I originally did this for the sake of getting self-control. The problem is that whenever I eat them, it's more of a way to escape reality than anything else. For instance I'll be ready to work on a homework, and then have a craving of eating something, go eat something, then come back with lower consciousness and kind of instinctively go back to procrastination, even though I was about to do my math homework. Then after a while (often after the snack is done), self-hate begins, self-acceptance follows but ego uses the self-acceptance process to do more procrastination, then a bit later more self-hate (a bit mad of being tricked like that into procrastination) and the cycle continues until the end of the day where I get my meltdown. But to be specific, the habits things I'm working on are: (what's on my plate) No procrastination, ability to follow my schedule all the time. My main procrastinations are (bad) youtube, lichess, reddit. All of them are pretty addictive and way to easy to access from anywhere. Stop thinking about girls, stop creating scenarios in my head of me being with someone else or me rejecting someone else for the sake of my life purpose (I believe the second part is a direct consequence of me being narcissist/proud and need to work on that one) Going to sleep on time (pretty basic but not doing this has been screwing me up lately) Daily meditation Not eating unhealthy food as a way of distracting myself Stop trying to get praise from people (talking to people for the sake of getting compliments, saying things like how much km I ran recently, or texting my grades to my friends) Stop hating myself (when it happens), stop judging other people I'm not working on doing no fap yet but fapping has pretty much the same effect as eating snacks in terms of consciousness. Perhaps I could allow a specific time for fapping on a day to prevent my ego from using it as a way to distract myself. But sounds a bit silly. I think it helped me to do that list, maybe I'm missing some but I no longer feel like there's so many things on my plate that I cannot count them. Suffering is largely a resistance to reality I love this. I will never say that I don't care about suffering then, as suffering is just a sign of me not on the right track to achieve my life purpose. Note that I'm not suffering when I'm doing what I want to be doing. I'm actually feeling pretty good when things line up. This morning I wake up and decided not to care about all my issues and simply got to work. It's been successful so far and I'm feeling pretty great today. But I don't believe that means I won't fall back next weekend, or the week end after. I probably just got a consciousness boost from getting reading your answers yesterday, but I can't just ask people to cheer me up every week.