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About Winter

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  • Birthday 03/03/1998

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    Montreal, Canada
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  1. You care about your family, it shows in your message. So why are you taking them in hostage with those suicide threats? You are the author of your own troubles. Instead of seeing red like you are right now you could be spending very sweet time with the family you love. So why are you doing that? Why are you blaming everyone else for the problems you created in the first place? Stop this whining, forget all the shit and go spend time with the ones you love. Stop hurting yourself with those terrible thoughts. If you can't stop them you can replace them with a good life doing the things you want to be doing.
  2. Your only interaction with "life" is through the current moment and your memory. I could trick you (or you could) trick your memory and invent a whole life. Maybe you "started" 2 seconds ago with all your memories including the ones about reading the beginning of this sentence. If you assume that your life is not a lie and it is real without any evidence to back it up, then you are holding a belief. "This is all there is." If a pedophile keeps a children in captivity in his basement, for the child, the basement will be "all there is". Those topics are not necessary spirituality-specific, here's some basic philosophy:,_ergo_sum First is about being in a cave and resisting the pain of realizing there's more than that to life (being blind to something) and second is doubting "everything" and concluding that the only thing we can conclude is that there's something that is doubting. Spirituality goes beyond that.
  3. I actually understand all of that intellectually. My lack of understanding was about our different uses of the word "universe". To me the universe was the life/world/illusion. There's no disagreement here, it's just a matter of word usage, or notation. If for you "universe" also include the nothingness that is fooling itself into existing, that's fine. There's no point arguing about definition. I know you dropped logic and I understand why. You are probably right saying that to try to reconciliate non dual theory with logic is a waste of time. But I do it anyway and it worked so far. Maybe one day I'll break out of it but I really don't feel like I'm going to drop logic soon. Logic is at the core of expressing english words that have meaning. Now I'm watching your videos and I'm making logical sense out of them. I'm perfectly ready to admit that my life isn't real. (At least consciously, I have no idea what my subconscious have to say about that). In fact, it would be illogic to assume that my life is real since there's no way to conclude that. However, I do believe that assuming the opposite (that my life is not real) is as incorrect. (Isn't this an example of duality collapsing?) We can't assume anything. There's no word that can form a true statement about this subject. This absence of words is the nothingness that is Truth. I might not be non dual yet but I know that stopping to think is the way toward growth. I'm actively doing that in fact. The video game analogy is very strong, I use it a lot. But why would you stop playing when you realize it's a video game? The realization that you are playing a video game doesn't provide the goal you were trying to achieve by playing this video game. Should you play it or do something else? I decided to accept that I'm playing a video game and achieve a specific goal in that video game. I know what you mean by the difference between being experiencing it and thinking about it. However I think with logic (obviously with human errors), not with my feelings. I'm up to date on those concepts intellectually (not all, haven't watched everything yet) and I truly understand them in a sense that I could write an article about them. I probably lack experience with those concepts during meditation but man... meditation is slow. Logic is way faster to understand things. So probably my brain wants to take shortcuts by figuring your things out instead of experiencing them in real life with drugs or years of meditation. The only problem is that so far it worked and because of that, I never had to drop logic. It's not an excuse not to do meditation, but it helps getting a healthier ego by having thoughts that make sense at least. Furthermore, I've not hit a wall. My life is improving, issues have been fixed and are continuously getting fixed. I've been taking a logic approach to self-help so far and it proved to be good. In fact, I try to use logic for everything in life and it doesn't fail. The only thing that may fail is my capacity of finding the logic answer. That's just human error that's normal but that doesn't mean we should drop logic. It's not because you can't prove a theorem that it can't be proved.
  4. Thanks. Makes way more sense than with my idea of the word universe. That also doesn't conflict with the "there's nothing" thing. Thanks for that quote. It makes a lot of sense that love, as a noun is the absence of barriers. But then what is the verb to love? To remove any barrier? Do I love myself? What is myself, my identity? My ideal self or my current self? Of course I like my ideal self. But do I "absence of barrier" it?Anyway, don't answer those questions. I will answer them myself.
  5. Thanks for the warning but that's exactly why I come to this forum. I know I have things to be debunked. It's a pre-requisite to the self-acceptance technique at least. In the video about self-acceptance, Leo says to think about a memory associated with love and them isolate the love from the memory. Use that love and apply it to parts of your body. I guess the video continues by applying love to other things but this is a thing I struggle to do because I really don't understand love. If you'd ask me right now, It's say it's negative space. Love is the absence of rejection of objects (of any kind) by myself. In this way, love is nothing. The view is problematic not because I have a feeling of needing to discover love like discovering steak, but because I would like to genuinely use the technique for self-acceptance. I was stressing the fact that growth from meditation takes time as a justification for me to look for the answer in another way. In my day to day life, I don't keep saying to myself that growth from meditation will never happen or that it will take a lot of time. I tend not to even think about that. With meditation, I'm just aware that I shouldn't expect anything and take what comes. I can see how I would fool myself into thinking nothing will come and so not take what's coming (and miss it). Will keep an eye on that. To put it simply, I'm a crazy robot that arbitrarily decided to achieve goal X. You could try to go an argue with me why I shouldn't do that, but I've already spent a lot of time arguing why whatever you choose to do will be as arbitrary as my decision to do goal X. I've already decided and accepted that I will go against any desire, steak or veggie, that will be in my way to goal X. My ideal self would only work toward the goal, sleep, eat. Turns out I'm not a robot so how can I become one? How can I get rid of addictions, distractions and get more self control? The answer is meditation and self actualization. I'm not doing this for fun, I'm doing this for the arbitrarily defined goal X. Now someone told me I need steak to fix my self-acceptance issue which is directly affecting my productivity and thus slowing my course toward my goal. So now I'm interested in steak since I see it's useful to me. How do I get steak? The answer is meditate daily and wait for years? I'm not okay with that I want steak now because I want self-acceptance now because I want productivity now. I get that I'm wrong on the "wait for years" part. But I don't think I can just go and get something I don't believe in. I don't believe in love so yes I need the explanation to at least be able to belive it. But now the problem is not the explanation of love itself but rather other topics like the universe having weird properties that are in the way. I have no doubt about the honesty of your post. Indeed it's more the "universe has intelligence/love" part I wanted to stress because it's what prevents me to reach Leo's explanation of what love is. I don't expect to agree with his video on the first watch but I would at least want the language he uses to be clear for me. When I get whatever prereq I need for that video and I watch it, I will not agree with it. But I promise that I will not come and argue on the forum about it right away. I tend to think about concepts for myself for long before coming here. This post wasn't supposed to be an argument (which I fall into way to fast), I just want the part I'm missing. Nonetheless, even if that's not what I was looking for at first I appreciate you analysing my thoughts and giving feedback. Thank you very much.
  6. You are talking as if there's something that was created. There's no such things as humans or dinosaurs, those are just human concepts (memories/ideas). Well I don't get what is love and understanding love is kind of a prerequisite to other things. The difference between eating steak and discovering love by daily meditation is that the first takes minutes and the second takes years or decades. I'm meditating (or at least I'm trying to get the habit back) but I'm not relying on it to yield any result soon. I know it will be insanely long. If there was no use to consult information from other sources than meditation, Leo would have only one video and it would say to go get the information by yourself. Instead he provides a lot of information allowing us to compare our experience to his. It's not that I don't get his explanation, it's that this particular explanation is just omitted from the video as if it was previously explained. That's fine, I'm just trying to find the previous video in which is was explained.
  7. I'm 10 minutes in this video but I feel I'm missing prerequisites: What I understand is that "universe" or "physical world" is a theorical model we (as biological humans) use to describe and make sense of our perceptions. It's like a theory that most people choose to believe. But that belief is (or might be) self-deception and so I (whatever I am, nothingness/one/mind/etc.) fool myself into thinking that this universe or physical world exist. Getting rid of that belief is somewhat liberating, not sure why but it is. That's things I understand well and am confortable with. Now in this video the universe makes a come back. But instead of being this theorical model we set up as humans, it's something else. It's somewhat intelligent, can have love and interacts with consciousness or love. Trying to make sense of those conflicting ideas, I'm somewhat coming to the conclusion that what Leo's talking about when saying "universe" in this video is not about the theorical model we actually call universe, but the set of perceptions we get and from which we assume the universe. But that doesn't make full sense with sentences like "the universe accepts itself completely". Really, what is this new universe? Is it just a version of the you/mind/one/everything? I'm looking for video suggestions here that would take me from the "there's nothing and nothing is fooling itself into thinking it exists" to "universe exist and does mind-like things".
  8. She probably don't actually give a fuck, she's making comedy and pretty good one. The way she laughed at the tattoo guy's joke showed that she is not actually entitled to her opinion. I had "similar" behavior in the past and I used to sometime roast things that I don't fully disagree with, just for the roast. It's not honest but when your goal is to make an audience laugh it actually works. Don't do that though, there's better way to make even more people laugh. The only mistake the tattoo guy did was to accept this interview without checking what was going to happen. There's no way she would receive any argument, she might already agree with the guy. However instead of thinking of saying what's true she is thinking of saying what will make her look good and entertain the crowd. Whatever she's trying to achieve, she rocks! I give her benefit of the doubt and say she's aware of what she's doing. Tattoo guy is chill but should get off such comedy show ASAP.
  9. "that's just you not owning your desires." What's the difference between that and an addiction then? Could we say that a drug addict getting aware of his cravings for cocaine and resisting them is just now owning his desires? The reason I'm resisting them is not for the sake of resisting them, I'm not ready to make any time investment that is not related to my goal. In how much time do you think I'll get to know true love considering I don't and won't take psychedelics? I don't think I want to wait before getting rid of the self-acceptance issue. Not knowing what love is and does hasn't been an issue to me but beating myself up when things do not go according to plan has been. Could the "give love to X" technique work even if I'm not sure what is love? Relying to "awareness is curative" is fine, but I like the quick inner-game techniques. They have proven to be successful for me. It's faster to repeat a technique everyday rather than waiting years of doing a terrible behavior to slowly realize you don't want to be doing it.
  10. Thank you for your answers. I've been doing do-nothing meditation from july up to december but I unfortunately gave up. I'm starting back now and at 20 min instead of 1 hour. But even when I was meditating everyday and well I wouldn't think about love at all. @aurum How can I identify such resistance within myself? I'm indeed "resisting" against thoughts of affection and sex that arise once in a while. I think about a fantasy of a fake relationship until I realize I don't want to be in that fantasy at all. But I don't think that implies any love. What is love? How is it not just the ego trying to give meaning to sex and affection cravings? I'm out of my small depression though, if I can call it that. It's quite frustrating because what got me out is school starting again. I had absolutely no self-control during the holidays, lost my meditation habit, wasted a ton of time and my only way out of this was the end of the holidays. I don't like the idea of being incapable of doing what I want without some school-imposed structure.
  11. I was watching this video up to the point when Leo asks you to find a feeling of love from a memory or thought and isolate the love from it. The problem is I couldn't find my feeling of love. Leo suggested many categories, multiple ideas clashed in my head but none made me feel love. I can't even tell what love feels like. The past "romantic" relationship I had (from 2 years ago) was about affection and pleasure, I can't tell there was true love there. Also I've settled on not having any more relationships as I'm not ready to make that time investment. It was really hard to me to find any love with food also, I'm currently controlling my diet stopping more and more to care about the taste of the food I eat. I eat because I need to to stay alive, nothing more. I feel shame when I eat things like candy, chocolate, etc. Video games is also a category Leo gave and there's no way I could find love there. It's probably the thing I hate the most currently in my life. I can't stop beating myself up for playing them and that's mainly why I'm watching this video. I tried to find old video game memories of when I was a kid and didn't care about that but all I found is nostalgia. That's different from love. I don't feel any love for nature, it's there and it's great but I don't think it makes me feel anything. So family relationships is another category Leo gave. My relationship with my dad is by far my best but it doesn't make me feel love on a daily basis. Even if he tells me "I love you" I wouldn't care. Not sure what memory I can bring up that will make me feel love. I don't think that there's no love source in my life, but rather I've lost the sensitivity to feel love easily from the sources. I can't really describe what love would feel like either. I've been pretty depressed these days (but nothing really serious or clinical) and I assume it's due to my lack of productivity and beating myself up for it.
  12. Time, TIME, T I M E That fucking delay we are allowed between posts Time is probably the number one thing that is driving me crazy. All my frustration is time based. I'm not frustrated because I watched a shitty youtube video about a shitty video game, I'm frustrated because I spent all day doing this. If I were given the time back I'd be happy. It's all about the time. I'm 20 years old and the number one thing that pisses me off is wasting time. I'm here, trying to contemplate my frustration of not meditation. It's 23:00, the plan was to meditate at 21:00 and go to sleep at 22:00. I'd like to finally get back on my schedule. But it seems like that I'm very consistent as wasting time, every night so that tomorrow morning It's as bad. In the morning when I didn't have enough sleep or it's too late, then it's too bad. The day is shit. And often it's shit enough for me to have a shit night, which will make the following day shit again. In the morning I'm aware of that, and I plan to go to sleep early. But at night I'm too tired to care. I'd like to think being tired is only an excuse to lack awareness but it seems too corelated to be a lie. When I'm tired I'm not aware. I'd like to have a least one day where I'm aware and tired to prove that wrong. That day has yet to come. I know the solution to all of this is to stop caring about time. Would make my life so much better. I could actually start spending my time as I want if I stopped caring about time. This generates hate, which I know I should stop. I should stop beating myself down. But that's the same story as stopping to care because you care. I'm telling myself to stop caring about the win because I want to win. Not gonna work, I actually have to stop caring about winning. But I FUCKING care. I decided that was the reason why I live. The only reason I would stop to care is to improve results, because I care.
  13. Everytime you slip it gets slipperier The first time I uninstalled that game Brawlhalla, I stopped playing it for months. Then reinstalled it and then uninstalled it again. That lasted weeks. The timespan of the game being uninstalled was getting smaller and smaller. At a point I was literally installing and uninstalling it every day. Same with lichess accounts. Same with all my other distractions. It's so slippery nowadays. Thankfully I stopped Brawlhalla. Why? A game mechanic changed making it unplayable for me unless I practiced for a lot of time. It was no longer an addiction because it got out of my confort zone. So I never truly beaten an addiction. I've beaten animes for a while but now they are back. I think this is pathetic, and I think this is pathetic to judge myself like that too.
  14. Stopping to care for better performance I remember when I was playing Brawlhalla a lot (an online fighting game). I used to struggle with frustration due to what happened into the game (or due to the moves I made). Sometimes in an attempt to overcome this, I managed to make myself believe that I no longer cared about the win and all I wanted is to make the best move until the end, no matter what the outcome is. This is basically what defeating neuroticism is. This is what I want to do now, with my life. Stop being mad because of me doing bad moves and start to make the bests moves from now.
  15. Often I feel like making posts that do not have any questions to it so I'll just write them here. They will not likely be useful to you but they will to me. This post will likely lack structure.